Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Lance Bass and His Two Swimming Pools

OWNER: Lass Bass
LOCATION: Mulholland Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
SIZE: 3,811 square feet, 5 bedrooms 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A long gated drive off Mulholland leads up to this beautiful "entertainer's" estate sitting high above Beverly Hills on 1+ acre with two guest houses and two pools. The elegant two story main house has an open floor plan with huge gourmet kitchen, 3 fireplaces, sexy master upstairs with leaded glass looking out to panoramic city and ocean views. two guest bedrooms downstairs include large en suite marble bathrooms with their own outside entrances. 3 patios for indoor/outdoor California living.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Not too long ago, the freshly out of the closet ex-boy bander Lance Bass sent out a text message to all his buddies and pals announcing that he was willing to rent his Beverly Hills (Post Office) house for six months while he was in New York where he is currently appearing on Broadway as Corny Collins in Hairspray.

So you know that Your Mamas little brain started to whirr, click and steam. Where? How much? We searched for information on Mister Bass's rental, and although we didn't find any listing information for renting the house, we did, thanks to the assistance of Lucy Spillerguts and our Fairy Godmother in Bev Hills, find the sales listing for the house which bug eyed Bass had on the market in 2006 for $5,250,000.

We're certainly not the first to report this, but just who do you think had the listing for the Mulholland Drive property? That's right kids, it was his ex-boyfriend and ex-reality television star Reichen Lehmkuhl, who in addition to having a real estate license, sells jewelry, takes acting lessons, dreams of being a soap stud, and generally tries to stay in the public eye.

According to property records, Mister Bass and his extremely and meticulously well groomed eyebrows purchased this quasi-colonial in October of 2003 for $3,880,000. Listing information and property records show the house sits on just over an acre of land and has just 3,811 square feet of interior space. We think the house looks much bigger in photos, but then again, so many mens' things look bigger in photos, don't they?

Nestled in a nook surrounded by the guard gated community "The Summit," the big white house is accessed up a gated, long, and curving brick paved driveway which snakes past the first of two swimming pools on the property and terminates in a massive brick paved motor court with a long view over the San Fernando Valley. The back of the house also features a lovely view and a second swimming pool. Lawhd children, imagine the number of scantily clad pool boys required to be on the property at all times to skim and chlorinate TWO swimming pools. It's just a good thing there are two guest units to house the necessary number of staff to maintain the pools.

Y'all know that Your Mama really tries to find at least a couple of nice things to say about the houses we discuss, but you're making it difficult for us Lance. Hunny, this is going to get ugly, but you should listen to Your Mama here, because we are sincerely trying to help you.

Your Mama hates to be a hater and we are well aware that everyone has their own sense of style and taste. But holy-moly mother of jeezis, this place is awful. Okay, the floors are really quite lovely. But that upsetting furniture in the living and dining rooms looks like it was chosen from behind door number two on the damn Price Is Right. Is that green bush under the library table in the living room even a real plant?

We can live with the fact that you actually want a houseful of traditional furniture...some do, after all. But Your Mama can not tolerate a young and well heeled homosexual who did not have the inner strenght and brain power and to hire a nice and talented gay decorator to hustle his stylish booty up to Mulholland Drive and do a seriously good traditional number on the interior of your home.

And do we even really need to discuss that deeply disturbing master bedroom suite? Yes baby, for your own good, we do.

About a hundred years ago Your Mama used to know a young man who was well known among his social circle for stringing and draping fabric all up and down his bedroom in order to create a romantic ambiance. But instead of looking romantic and sexy, it looked like the bedroom of a sad and lonely middle aged lady who spends her Saturday nights reading romance novels and drifts off to sleep spooning the cat with images of Fabio dancing shirtless across her mind. Do you get what we're saying Miss Bass?

We know you are out and about acting sexy, hanging with all the Hollywood homo hipster hotties, getting table service at LAX and Winston's and every other celebrity haunt around town. But dude, your bedroom is anything but hipster or sexy. You are not doing yourself any favors in your huzband search by bringing home shaved down wannabe Reichens to THAT bedroom. And then of course there is the bathroom. Hunny you are too young of a man to be living up in a house with a bathroom that only a lady like Robert Reed could love, may she rest in peace.

Your Mama has no idea if someone actually had the fortitude and nerve strength to actually rent this Broyhill Furniture showroom/Morroccan mash-up, but we do know that Mister Bass did not sell the house, despite a reduction in price to $5,200,000.

Lance doll, we know we were a little harsh here, but it's really for your own gay good. When you get home from New York, you call Your Mama so we can give you some assistance locating the names and numbers of a few nice gay decorators to help you overhaul your private quarters. In the meantime, break a leg Mary.

Sources: LA Curbed, Perez Hilton,


Anonymous said...

I just LOL at work when I read the Broyhill Furniture comment. As usual, Mama, you are right on.
I'm all about traditional decor, but my God, it's truly awful! My eyes are bleeding. It's too bad because the outside is really lovely w/ the long driveway and the pools.

The bedroom looks like something I would have swooned over in middle school. I shudder at the horror.

West Coastian said...

I spit out my sandwich when I read about spooning the cat. lol You are too, too much Mama. :-)

bitterspinster said...

Hilarious as always Mama. This house is an atrocity for a gay man to own in it's currently decorated state.

sugarhoneyicetea said...

OMG! Are we sure Lance is gay after seeing this house? Does he know anyone else gay or maybe straight who is into interior design? This place is awful.

Phoenix said...

Sidesplitting funny Mama :) I do have to hand it to Bass in one regard. As many rooms as I've viewed during my visits here, I probably won't be able to offhand recall many and who they belonged to, but Lance Bass and his cat spooning, romance novel disaster suite is forever imprinted in the immediate recall area of my long term memory bank wether I like it or not, lol

Sister Mary Cheney said...

My husband Heather Poe has a suit and a pair of shoes that exactly match the colors of the drapes and the floors of that room.

One time when he walked into the kitchen dressed in that suit, i had an orgasm while fixing his morning muesli.

Anonymous said...

Looks like Madame's House. Too much Red, I would paint everything white and loose the fabric. It's not such a bad house. What was his Hunky ex BF name?

Anonymous said...

What celebrity rents there house out for 6 months? Geez - I thought he's have plenty of $$$ to pay the mortage! Maybe not ...

Phoenix said...

I found a flash show of this house for anyone who's interested. It's really a nice place, built in the 1940's.

so_chic_darling said...

It looks like the interior of a brothel in a country where prostitution is legal!

Phoenix said...

lol, it looks like something I've never seen before, that's for sure. Lance's decor is shocking to see in near full screen living color, but the house itself is nice. I'd have to change out the stair railing if I owned it though. Swirly twirly wrought iron is like nails on a blackboard to me.

Anonymous said...

In the full screen flash show, the music does match the decor.
The only nice thing is the second pool.

Anonymous said...

"country where prostitution is legal!"

it's legal in the u.s.a! well, at least in nevada & rhode island!

Miss Scarlett said...

That man cannot possibly be gay. NO self-respecting gay man would be caught dead in a house decorated in that hideous manner.

jbeebs said...

I read somewhere(instyle maybe?)that Joey Fatone's wife decorated this house. It was a Christmas spread maybe 2-3 years ago.

mr. smiley said...

phoenix.. incredible find!

it looks like the christmas tree shoppe decorated their house (anyone familiar with / from new england will understand that!)


it kind of reminded me of santa's workshop.


mr :) said...

oh, and most definitely that photo shoot was around christmas time, right???


Anonymous said...

Good night - that is just nuts! His boyfriend probably left due to uncontrollable nightmares.

nancypants said...

Your are at the top of your game on this one Mama!
Jeez! Looks like it was decorated by The House of Tacky.

Cameron said...

Any time you hang tapestries from the bedposts, you're going for Indian restaurant chic, and that's a problem. Perhaps Lance was too busy keeping Reichen on his back to notice that blood red walls can really kill a hard-on.

jbeebs said...

Okay to clarify my last post. The magazine article WAS a Christmas issue, but mention that Kelly Baldwin(Joey Fatones wife)IS his decorator for the whole house,not just the Christmas junk.

Phoenix said...

jbeebs, thanks for that bit of information. It's a little comforting to know that Lance lives with his room looking the way it does more from a desire not to offend a close friend's wife than personal taste. But still.. ugh

Anonymous said...

I thought the gays were supposed to have taste.

I guess the boy band thing brings down your style IQ several hundred points, if not a thousand.

Anonymous said...

I used to look at certain larger homes and think wow it must be nice to live there.

Now Ive seen some of the interiors of these places and Im no longer envying them.

Anonymous said...

This place is U G L Y. If I must say something good, maybe the bathroom is tolerable until the rehab people get to that room. Shudder.

Anonymous said...

"What celebrity rents there house out for 6 months?"

Tommy Hilfiger.

Lots of them do it.

Anonymous said...

miss bass needs to remove the lure from her mouth and get her gay shit together. where is she from? new jersey?

Anonymous said...

If you look at assessment records, it says the house is only 1-story... I am thinking the house usta be one story and about the 3800 sq ft then, and when the previous owner before Miss Bass renovated it they built a second floor addition, which would explain why when you watch the virtual tour it looks like there is a second master suite with that hideous peachish marble floors in the bathroom