Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Andrew Vajna's Lemon on Lime Orchard Road

SELLER: Andrew Vajna
LOCATION: Lime Orchard Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $6,495,000
SIZE: 9,516 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exceptional privacy and sophistication on 2 acres up a long, private gated drive. Wonderful indoor-outdoor flow to pl, covered patio, tennis court and verdant mountain vistas. Richly detailed inside, with soaring ceilings and handcrafted parquet flrs. Enormous fam rm with beautiful bar and wine racks. Extensive master suite on first level with office, fireplace, sauna, double baths and huge closets. 3 add'l brs up, plus one down. 2br maid or in-law suite has separate stairway.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The name Andew Vajna may not roll easily off your tongue, and you might just need to be in the "industry" or be a film credit reader in order to recognize his name. Your Mama guarantees that you've seen or heard of many films which were financed and/or produced by Mister Vanja, who happens to be one of the most prolific film producers in the action genre.

Mister Vanja has had his Hungarian hand in such money making blockbuster films as Die Hard 3, the Terminator and Rambo franchises, and well as The Scarlett Letter, Evita, and Basic Instinct 2. Your Mama wonders if it was Mister Vanja who wisely and smartly red lighted Miss Sharon Stone exposing her middle aged hoo-hoo in B.I.2. Don't get Your Mama wrong, we love us some of that crazy ass Sharon Stone. The lady does amazing work with AMFAR and she's always good for a puzzling outfit. But we do not, we repeat, do not ever want to see her lady bits exposed the big screen again.

Mister Vanja's house, tucked up into the hills on the guard gated Lime Orchard Road, occupies a nearly perfect location in the Bev Hills Post Office. The two acre parcel sits on a guard gated street, which helps to ensure the riff raff and the looky-loos won't be cruising the streets with digital cameras hoping to catch a glimpse of the neighborhood honchos and celebs as they boss the landscapers and instruct the maid where to set out the garbage cans. The perfectly private location overlooks the wilds of Franklin Canyon and provides its owner with all the amenities expected in a $6,000,000+ home including gorgeous views, a gated motor court, lighted tennis court and a lovely oval heated swimming pool.

What makes this lot less than perfect in Your Mama's humble opinion is Charleton Heston. Yes children, the gun loving senior citizen lives at the top of the hill in a modern mansion that overlooks Mister Vanja's property. We have no doubt that the siting of Mister Vanja's house obscures the prying eyes of Mister Heston, but it's not Mister Heston's eyes that worry us. It's the fear of stray bullets that might wander down as ol' Charlie stands on his deck and takes advantage of his right to bear arms.

Your Mama wants so much to like this house, because, Heston aside, we are really quite enamored of the location. But as we look at the photos of the 9,516 square foot house, we are simply mortified. Mor-tih-fied. How is it that a man with this much money can live in a house that looks like it has not had a nice gay decorator up in there since 1984?

We'll allow that the living room is not all bad. We like the large burnt orange colored carpet, and the lucite coffee table gives us goose bumps. We even dig the silver walls and we can live with the beige sofas, ordinary as they may be. But please do not get Your Mama started on the cock-eyed collection of picture frames on the wall, the swagged funeral home curtains or the lonely black lacquer screen. A talented and nice gay decorator go turn this room in to something really lovely with just three days and $5,000.

The rest of the decor, however, makes us puke in our mouth a little. We're sorry Mister Vanja, Your Mama does not intend to be cruel here, but we loathe the hand crafted parquet floors, the entrance hall looks like something in a dated Dallas mansion, and the master bedroom with the furniture fabric that matches the wallaper...well that's just criminal. We're also disturbed by the card table in the master bedroom. Card table? What?

Given the secluded location of the property, the detached 2 bedroom staff/guest quarters, and the tremendous master suite that features a fireplace, attached office, double bathrooms, sauna, and extensive closets, Your Mama thinks this would be an excellent house for a celebrity who is willing to take on the trouble and expense of a gut renovation. And, of course, the new owner will need to to wait out ol' Charlie up the hill before feeling safe to wander the patios, pool deck and tennis court without being a victim of an errant bullet.

The Lime Orchard Road enclave is home to many of Hollywoods rich and famous including Tom Freston and Guy Oseary. Earlier this week we discussed a couple other houses on Lime Orchard Road including Jessica Simpson's gorgeous spread, and the country Tudor that Bling Queen Kimora Lee Simmons recently purchased.

Sources: Go Fug Yourself, Internet Movie Data Base,

17 comments:

Richie Rich said...

Not to worry about old Charlie Heston's bullets; the old man is wheelchair ridden and he doesn't have a clue what a gun is anymore, nor who his neighbors are; in fact, he doesn't evenk now who he is at this point. Saw him at St. John's Hospital in SM and he was, let me say, beyond repair, so to speak. He's out of it.

so_chic_darling said...

Yes Mama I puked a little in my mouth too!It would take a whole coven of gay decorators to swoop up the canyons from West Hollywood on their hybrid brooms to fix this 80s mess!

so_chic_darling said...

g

Phoenix said...

OMG, I wasn't expecting another post today, but am I ever glad I decided to stop back. I'm close to being overjoyed with tears at not being greeted by an upscale California home that dosen't look like an arched shoebox with a growth hormone disorder. I'm loving this house, decor aside. I'm a total pushover for vintage architecture, vine covered exterior anythings, soaring wood ceilings, the oval swimming pool shape.. and it even has acerage, separate quarters, guard gated community, the 'works'.. sigh. I wouldn't gut renovate the place, but would refurbish it selectively, agreeing with all of Mama's stated criticisms except one. I wouldn't have the heart to rip out the handcrafted, inlaid real wood floor in the front hall. Rather, I'd choose to have it stripped and refinished in a darker, richer color. And all this for substantially under $10 million too. Imagine that. I'm fast drawing to the conclusion that just about everything in the L.A. real estate market with a double digit million$ and above price tag is not something any normal person with half a brain would want.. rich or not.

Phoenix said...

I'm close to being overjoyed with tears at being greeted by.. rather. Forget the 'not' in that sentence. I'm subject to things like double negative errors the later in the day it gets :)

Anonymous said...

i'm coming to the conclusion that my 3000 sq ft is all i need compared to these shitholes with the dumb chandiliers & uncomfortable rooms.
i hope the super rich are happy but i would take a pass on most of these ridiculous living conditions.
but, then again i'm not trying to impress the folks of hollywood.

Anonymous said...

i forgot to mention in the above post, i like the brick & the view.

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Phoenix said...

Anon @ 6:34 PM, I wouldn't go so far as to call them sh*tholes, but clearly anyone who feels 'at home' in a 20,000, 30,000, 40,000, or 50,000 foot home is overcompensating for a real or imagined deficiency in some other area of their life. It dosen't take a rocket scientist.

Phoenix said...

This home's only drawback that I can see it the near proximity of the garage doors to the front door. For some reason, I have a thing about that. I don't like to see garage doors from the front elevation of my home. Were I to buy this house, I'd have to change that somehow.

Hippie Canyon said...

I've seen too many homes like this one, with its mixture of ceiling types. Coffered in one room, plain-Jane in another, open-beamed in still another... it gives me the impression of being remodeled several times over the course of, say, 20 years, by several decorators (not designers) from The Valley. As for the overall style, I can't help but look at this house and think its the home of a once great TV/Film star who hasn't made any substantial money since 1982. And don't get me started on that TACKY room with matching wallpaper and upholstery.

As for other comments about square footage and living well. I have to agree with you. Roseanne Barr once said anyone living in more than 5,000 square feet is just nuts! Now, I'm not sure if I would cut it off at 5K, may 6K would be more to my taste. But I've seen fantastic homes that I've considered buying recently, in the range of 2600 sq.ft, that have been so perfect for a single person like myself that it makes one wonder if there is a need for anything bigger? Well, yes... if you entertain on a large scale, then more square footage may be required. But 20-30-55K sq.ft in a private home, (the late Aaron Spelling's god-awful manse in Holmby Hills anyone?)doesn't work. When you loose a sense of scale, you've lost it altogether. And as difficult as it is to hear, bigger is not always better. (Did I just say that?) Which brings me back from my digressive treatise to Miss-Ter Vanja's house. After re-reviewing the pixs, I have to agree with Mama: gut renovation toute suite! Its just too "Southern Accent" for L.A.'s environs. Now, if you'll excuse me; I'm late to see my agent (aka my shrink) and I still have to run by my "friend's" house to pick up some more acid. Until later, Caio everyone.

Anonymous said...

Is Lime Orchard Road part of a gated community...(if so, what is the community name)?

If not, is it just one street that has a guard at it's entrance. Never been there.......

Anonymous said...

ooooh it looks like a Holiday Inn circa 1984.

smiley said...

too many pillows on the couch!!

ouch..

:)

Hippie Canyon said...

RE: Is it a gated community?OKay, Anon... I'm doing the best I can, trying to adjust to the colors, thanks to the window pane I just licked - like Paris licked Stavros (but that's a story for another time). Now, Lime Orchard is not part of any gated community. Its a quite road right off of Coldwater Canyon, in the unincorporated part of BH, referred to as BH PO (as in Post Office). It has had speed bumps for a number of years, and in 2005 it was decided by (names witheld) that the street deserved, at least, a guard at the top of the street, just about 200' after turning onto it from Coldwater. My guess is they were trying to keep the likes of me out! Well, judging from the guard shack that looks every bit like a prop dept guard shack, I'm not even sure if they (the residents) received a city permit for their guarded street... Just so's ya know.

Anonymous said...

This place needs rehab.

Anonymous said...

As a person who's been visiting that house since I was a wee little lad, it's really not that bad. I mean, maybe I'm biased, but I've always enjoyed visiting Andy.

AND, that couch is super comfy, even with all the pillows. I've taken more than enough naps to know. Not to mention a kitchen that chefs would kill to have in their home. There's also a fully outfitted exercise room that you forgot about. The house is great for entertaining and is only a little "bleh" when it isn't filled with people, but what more can you expect from a Beverly Hills mansion.

I think you're being a little harsh on Andy for his house. He was never a person concerned with decorating the place in the first place. It was my dad who got him to do it in the first place, however long ago. And as you said, it would only take another decorator to jazz up the place, so what's the big problem?

And as for the little security guard, he doesn't do much. The people living around that little street off of Coldwater had a few robberies, so they wanted to get the guard there. It's more for the sense of security.