Saturday, February 23, 2008

Randy Wolf Tosses His Crib on the Market

SELLER: Randy Wolf
LOCATION: Vicasa Drive, Calabasas, CA
PRICE: $4,250,000 (list)
SIZE: 10,204 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular custom built Med. estate, private and secluded. Guarded gate community. Magnificent estate of over 10,000 sq. ft. Features include a ballroom sized entry and dbl. oak stairs, living room and Great Room with three sitting areas each, a gourmet kitchen w/ Sub Zero and Jennaire appliances. Separate Home Theatre HD updated. Wood paneled Game Room. Tropical paradise in backyard. Master suite w/ sitting area. High Tech surround sound throughout.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All of our friends and family well know that Your Mama does not know a thing about the professional sports people. However, with an assist from our ball crazy pal Fiona Trambeau, we are going to try to make some sense this morning and sound like we know the difference between a baseball and football, which of course, we do not. Not long ago, the world learned that San Diego Padres leftie pitcher Randy Wolf bought himself some new digs in the Hollywood Hills from Velvet Revolver gee-tarist Slash. Surely the children are not still so hopped up on last night's drug and alcohol binge that they can't recall the drama that whirled around that house?

Just in case, let's Reader's Digest the saga so everyone is up to date: In December of 2005, Slash forked over $6,250,000 to buy the Wattles Drive house because, it was rumored, he and the wifey Perla were headed to the high court of dee-vorce and the aging rock star was gonna need a place to lay up with all the Hollywood hussies who were sure to beat down his door with their Lucite heel sling backs the moment they got wind of the split. But the Mister and Missus managed to work out their differences and the Wattles Drive house went back on the market for $6,995,000. No buyers presented themselves. The asking price was reduced several times and Slash got so pissed the house wasn't selling he filed a million dollar lawsuit against his real estate agent claiming the agent misrepresented the property during the purchase. Please. Finally, Slash managed to unload his real estate mistake in December 2007 for $5,725,000, a gigantic financial loss. The buyer was the above mentioned ball tosser Randy Wolf.

As it turns out, Mister Wolf also needed to sell his Calabasas crib on Vicasa Drive in a small guard gated development which was recently on the market for $4,250,000. Property records reveal that the sidewinder purchased the tremendous 10,204 square foot residence on its .78 acre parcel in June of 2003 for $2,385,000.

Listing information indicates that in addition to the large public rooms (living, dining, kitchen, family, and game rooms), the brick shaped behemoth features a whopping 7 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms, which seems like an awful lot of house for a single fellow who was in his mid-20s when he bought the big house.

Now kids, we know that Mister Wolf had better things to do with his time than worry about the day-core of his stupendous suburban mansion, and we realize that the color of his furniture and the intricate swag of his curtains was probably of little or no interest to the man. But perhaps it should have been. Your Mama has never been a fan of these sprawling and newly built suburban mansions that are smothered in beige carpet and stuffed full of even more brown and beige furniture that is set off against black granite counter tops and Home Despot quality lighting fixtures, and this house is prime example of why we get all gaggy and bitchy when we're discussing those sorts of homes.

However, rather than get all steamed up and righteous about those deeply dee-pressing curtains that have us wanting to poke out our eyes with a fork, or that glitzy and impossible to keep clean black marble floor in the entrance hall, we'll try to take the high road this morning and find a few nice things to say. Your Mama always appreciates a long gated driveway with thick foliage at the front of the property to provides at least a sense of privacy and security. The four car garage is great for sheltering a fleet of big BMWs and there are two fireplaces, one in the formal living room and another in the master bedroom. Two is good, but we'd have preferred to see a third to anchor the commodious and beige family room also.

The movie thee-ay-ter is a nice feature (except for the vulgar red carpet), and although Your Mama is not and never will be a fan of grown men having children's toys on display, we do credit Mister Wolf with having such kooky and quirky objects as life size Star Wars mannequins, an air hockey table, and a sofa crafted from the butt end of a 1950s Cadillac. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would sooner peel off our own skin than have any of that crap cluttering up one of our homes, but at least the pleasingly paneled game room reflects Mister Wolf's gen-u-wine personality, unlike all those other beige, brown and banal rooms that are totally devoid of life.

We heard rumors from The Calabasas Cackler and the always in the know Lucy Spillerguts confirmed that Mister Wolf's house was purchased by recently rehabbed rock star Richie Sambora, the dumbass who left the soo-blime Heather Locklear for the publicity hungry crazy train that is Denise Richards. Naturally, those two parted company long ago, but not before the world was subjected to any number of pukey reports and photos of them sucking face everywhere they went.

As a side note, Your Mama hears that Slash and Perla have sold their long time crib that hovers above Valley Vista Boulevard in Sherman Oaks and are thisclose to purchasing a big new house on or just off Mulholland Drive. Details are slim at this point, but we'll see what we can dig up in the next few weeks.

Your Mama would like to wish Mister Wolf a happy home in the Hollywood Hills. Listen hunny, let Your Mama give you an unsolicited word of advice: Do yourself and all your guests a favor and spend some of your big San Diego Padres paycheck to hire a nice gay decorator to do up the day-core of your new house. If you need a few names, give Your Mama a shout and we'd be happy to hook you up.

38 comments:

pch said...

Maybe my sense of scale is thrown off, but are the only high-ish ceilings in the kitchen? Kooky. And the statue in that strange Jacobean-meets-Vegas stair hall looks like it's striking a Karate Kid pose.

daytimedrama said...

I'm overwhelmed by the ugliness of the kitchen. A lot of the Calabasas mcmansions have at least nice kitchens.

Look at that dreadful chair said...

All of them,but special mention to the dining chairs,what period is this?
Early new money?

Alessandra said...

Gawd, the public rooms like they belong in an expensive mortuary.

Absolutely horrid. I can't get beyond the entrance. Yuck.

That is all.

High class lady decorator said...

This is a crime scene!

Anonymous said...

If he hires a nice gay decorator for his new crib he could end up with an entire residence that echos the curtains in his old abode- the only things that would compliment those cathouse craptastic window treatments are a chartreuse silk smoking jacket and a life-sized statue of David.
I half expected to see a classy Venus in a plastic garden oil dripping lamp hanging from a swag chain in the family room.
I totally agree with daytimedrama i.r.t the kitchen. I'm sure it could just be personal taste but I can't imagine dropping a wad on a blend of mid to high-end appliances and then slapping on Home Depot cabinetry.
At least Lamps Plus made a nice profit from the general contractor.

West Coastian said...

I'm completely underwhelmed. I sure hope this dood has more personality than his home does.

Other than the games room, it's deevoid of any personal touches whatsoever.

Barren Karen said...

Funeral home drapery like that costs a lot of money.

so_chic_darling said...

I have so many questions about homes like this as I just do not understand them on so many levels.Who designs them,what school did they study architecture at?Who designed and made the furniture and why?
Why does this sort of thing seem to be the new normal?

lil' gay boy said...

This is what we East Coasters envision when you West Coast folks spit out the word "Calabasas" with a lemon-puckered moue.

I must have animals on the brain today: when Alessandra mentioned mortuary, I thought, "yeah, pet mortuary";
and when PCH alluded to those Vegas stairs I immediately pictured a dog act coming down them.

But the worst crime scene was the backyard; I thought I was looking at Vicki Gunvalson's house!

But, to be kind, he's just a kid with a lot of money; let's hope he doesn't box up a single item to take with him to his new digs, which we all have seen is in need of a nice gay decorator to call it home. Mama, please get those names to him ASAP!

Parker said...

Why, why, why do people buy in Calabasas? What's the appeal besides getting a bigger house for your money? Who would want a big, ugly house like that, and all for the privilege of living far from everything!

Alessandra said...

Unfortunately, the SoCal, there is a class of developer who does not have an eye for detail and just barely grasps the design and architectural concepts behind Mediterranean and Spanish home styles. So, they throw stucco on the exterior and put on red tile roofs and then you go inside and there are marble columns and recessed lighting and stupid floor plans and bad proportions and not even a whisper of what the house could be. These homes get built and bought because no one knows any better, which is the most piss-poor excuse on the planet considering that SoCal is also an epicenter of actually decent Spanish and Mediterranean homes. All some one has to do to educate oneself is go to Pasadena or Hancock Park parts of Los Feliz or Beverly Hills to see beautiful examples of this architecture. Instead, we are inflicted with this dreck.

Sorry to rant, but it is a sore point.

Calabasas, indeed.

pch said...

I'm gonna riff on Alessandra: We now have at least a few generations of Americans who are so conditioned to mediocre tract house design that they use its principles -- even in custom projects -- without noticing its fundamental flaws. Architects don't see it, clients see get it. The blind leading the blind, as it were.

pch said...

^
meant to say "clients don't see it"

lil' gay boy said...

Alessandra, PCH,

Just acquired a two-book set; "Los Angeles Houses, 1885-1919" & "Los Angeles Houses, 1920-1935"; I highly recommend them to anyone who wants to understand your passion for good LA architecture.

Despite how nice we may say it to your faces, some of us East Coasters tend to be terribly snobbish whenever LA architecture gets mentioned; sniggering into our hands and saying "Architecture? Yeah . . . right. Looks like Mexico at Epcot."

Been guilty of it myself when it wasn't modernist. Boy, was I wrong.

You've got a rich history of fine historic buildings there and I'm glad you share them with such patience with Mama's chilruns. I think I can better appreciate your frustrations now.

Oh, and the treasures that have been lost - that must still sting.

Thanks for sharing.

sandpiper said...

This guy's a ball player. He lives and breathes the game. Probably wanted a real estate investment and this is what his advisors recommended.

The main feature seems to be white drywall. Isn't the shell I'd start with (nor could afford! lol), but it could be worked. The landscape is beautiful and I guess the grotto pool thing is an attraction, if you're into that look.

I wish him the best. Am sure he'll land on his feet.

Anonymous said...

the whole place looks like a funeral home. yuck!

sunny in sj said...

Alessandra and PCH,

Could you give us some examples of good builders in SoCal? We have the same problem up here in NorCal,
but I'd be interested in seeing/hearing names of good builders down there.

Anonymous said...

all these wheely-dealy machinations are the doings of slash's missus. she runs that camp with the iron fist of Attila the Hun-stress.

Alessandra said...

Sunny, I've heard good things about Mur-Sol, but the problem, as I see it, isn't the builders, so much as it is the developers (who are sometimes also the builders).

The problem is the lack of a good architect. The joke about builders who design their own homes is that everything is in eight foot increments (because that's how it comes from Home Depot or the lumber yard). It's a joke, but it has some truth.

Look at the designs of such local architects as Sylvanus Marston, Wallace Neff, Roland Coate, early (very early) FLW, even Greene and Greene...they are iconic. The first three did a lot in Spanish Revival and Mediterranean styles. And they got the details and proportions right. And you can't find more detailed-oriented architects than the Greene and Greene brothers, who took into account everything from the smallest and most inconsequential items to the largest issues.

I'm not even getting into the modern geniuses like Schindler, Neutra or May. I'm just saying that we have an extensive history here in the Los Angeles area and it is a TRAVESTY to see crap perpetuated in the name of some architectural style. It is an insult to those who did it right the first time.

Wow, sorry to get all soap-boxy. Who knew some dumb ball player's funeral home would set me off like this?

Polly said...

I don't like it.

sandpiper said...

That was good. Don't apologize.

Anonymous said...

Hate the funeral home drapes; maybe expensive; still hate em'.
Bland, Bland, Bland. Non-nutritive home substitute.The only person I know that can pull off a grotto is Hef.
Still lost in the Penthouse at One Hyde Park.
But there is a 30 million plus difference..........

lil' gay boy said...

Alessandra,

"Some ball player's funeral home . . . " I think I wet myself.

Priceless.

Anonymous said...

Oh I don't know...I like the shower and...and...and the bananas in the kitchen. Those are good too.
Peace
Joel

lil' gay boy said...

Joel,

Please tell me you are not suffering from a banana fixation, are you?

I thought we settled this with the wine.

;-)

daytimedrama said...

hmmm, one thing I like about this house.....um is there a peppermill in the kitchen?

lil' gay boy said...

Daytimedrama,

Would you, by any chance, be referring to a "Rubirosa?"

DailyCelebs.TV said...

I know someone looking for a house like that closer to Hollywood, mama can make the commission once we find it on this site.

Anonymous said...

LGB Nothing is seldom settled with wine...things are stirred up but rarely settled. Sunday grins to all
Joel

Anonymous said...

daytimedrama said...
hmmm, one thing I like about this house.....um is there a peppermill in the kitchen?

HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!

BuzzBirds said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

my theory on why a young hot baseball player would move to suburban Cali-b, home to McMansions, Hummers and bratty kids. He grew up in Reseda, which is the ghetto of the Valley. Actually very working class. Calabasas was probably nirvana to this ordinary kid who happens to have talent in B-Ball. He played with all the rich kids in the West Valley, went to after season parties at huge mansions with swimmin pools. When he made it big, he thought "i is goin to Calabasas" He bought this monstrosity and had his mom decorate.
Now he's finally getting hip man and moving out to the Hollywood Hills where he can be around people who aren't middle aged and socially ambitious for their 4th graders Ivy league prospects.
Why do people move to Cali-B??? The school district had an incredible marketing campaign! Totally false and overrated, but there you have it

daytimedrama said...

"lil' gay boy said...

Daytimedrama,

Would you, by any chance, be referring to a "Rubirosa?""

Haha you figured me out.

Anonymous said...

Daytimedrama,

You are out of your league here. With all respect, this is not your crowd.

If you wish to pursue someone, go offline, because here won't cut it.

bitter spinster said...

I think this may well be the fugliest home you've shown on here.

bentley said...

The dude's got a STORM TROOPER in the games room, which is pretty sweet, but speaks volumes about the dire situation in the rest of the house.

Alessandra said...

Well, he does have a pinball machine, so he can't be entirely hopeless.