Friday, February 22, 2008

One Hyde Park Floor Plan Porn

Yesterday, Your Mama received some fantastic information from a Continental cohort we'll call French Toast regarding the floor plans for the obscenely expensive One Hyde Park in London's Knightsbridge neighborhood. French Toast directed us towards the City of Westminster website that houses copies of the floor plans that were filed for One Hyde Park back in late 2005.

The moment we received the information from French Toast we began to sweat with glee and set about preparing a snappy discussion only to finish just as we received additional information from another lovely gentleman we'll call English Muffin. Now children, Your Mama does not know who this English Muffin person is, but he's apparently got enough cash and clout to provide Your Mama with an online brochure for One Hyde Park that include photos, an extensive list of services, and a sample floor plan for a typical 5 bedroom apartment that measures (approx.) 8,500 square feet with 5 bedrooms, 6 full and 2 half bathrooms.
While 8,500 square feet is far more space than Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's hard working house gurl Svetlana would ever agree to clean, we are none the less impressed with the general layout, which the brochure explains can be tweaked and altered with the assistance of the Candy and Candy design team...for a considerable fee, no doubt. Residents and invited guest enter the flawless flats though a private glass elevator and restricted lobby area while staff and service people enter through a different elevator bank altogether, so there's never any reason for the lowly laundry ladee to ever darken the front door of all the rich Russians and mega money Middle Eastern residents.
The floor plan porn (above) reveals that in addition to the wrapped in glass living room with a private balcony hanging over Hyde Park, there is a huge dining room, large library, medium sized media room, an office suite, and a massive eat in kitchen with a large butler's pantry which appear to include dumb waiters to bring groceries and supplies from the garage and the lobby, which we're certain the staff will appreciate for not having schlep everything up the elevators on their minimum wage backs.

The children will note that each of the five bedrooms (one of which can easily be converted into a staff suite) features a private pooper, and the lavish master bedroom contains a large sitting area, private balcony, twin dressing rooms and two ginormous bathrooms.

English Toast informs us that the people at One Hyde Park indicated to him that units range from 1,600 to 10,000 square feet and prices start at around £7,000,000, which converts to $13,651,610 at today's rate on Oanda.

In addition to the amenities we've previously mentioned such as bullet proof glass, a panic room, private underground parking, hotel services by the Mandarin Oriental Hotel Group, and etc., the glossy brochure reveal that the bespoke building will offer a full compliment of leisure facilities that includes a 22M swimming pool (72+ feet), a golf simulator, and a fitness room. A communal wine cellar can be used by the ritzy residents for private parties (we presume each owner has individual and locked wine cabinets), and a screening room that seats 30 can be reserved for private screenings. The ground floor will host "smart business facilities," which will include state of the art meeting rooms with video conferencing abilities.

Phew! Now puppies, Your Mama is going to go lay down because we are plum worn out from all the exuberant and unapologetically high priced luxury. We suggest you do the same after you pour over that floor plan and decide where you'd put your recliner. We kid.

59 comments:

Anonymous said...

gasp... no recliner's allowed!!!

as it stated in the owners manual

bentley said...

Hmm, a bit Starship Enterprise for my taste.

The bedroom layouts are throwing off my chi.

Jim said...

Brilliant work Mama. Is it just me or does the place look a tad cramped? Perhaps it's just the scale of the floor plan but I can't get my head around it.

lil' gay boy said...

These avant garde floor plans, although architecturally intriguing, and taking full advantage of the view, do not seem to be meant to be homes, but rather impressive showplaces. Oversized and funky shaped, you’ll never find a floral print recliner in any of these rooms. Does anyone spot what could be the “panic room” on the plans? Don't think it's any of those 4 closets just outside the entrances to the residence. My guess is it’s disguised as an extra terlit . . . lord knows there’s enough of them!

To be fair, I think we should cut all these Russian million & billionaires some slack. After living under Soviet rule for so long, those with the smarts, (or some nefarious connections to the military) did what any enterprising capitalist would have done – taken full advantage of the situation and made a quick (if perhaps illegal) bundle.

As for their spending habits, well, imagine being a starving child and getting handed a $100 bill and pointed at the nearest candy store. Think he’s going to buy granola bars?

No sir.

Once they gorge themselves on all the Western toys they can lay their hands on, perhaps some of them will sit back, contemplate, and acquire a little more discreet taste. Perhaps not. As for the mega rich Middle Easterners, almost no amount of money can erase thousands of years of culture and customs.

Only time will tell.

Thanks for ferreting out this floor plan porn, Mama; I knew you would! But do my eyes deceive me? The interior shots appear to be high-quality computer renderings.

pch said...

Or the Death Star, Bentley...cue up Darth Vader's theme music.

Lady Fotherington Fornsby Smythe said...

It's a high security prison block for nouveau riche capitalist philistine barbarians in Versace and Bulgari bags and baubles.
I shudder and gasp at the horror of it all.Already I can no longer shop at Harvey Nicks because of the Russians.Can anything be done to stop them?Please help us.

Anonymous said...

I think once they are finished they'll be amazing. Candy & Candy have the best reputation ... Whats the deal with their L.A building? Is it still going ahead?

Anyway, I was thinking that only 50% of the apts are in contract ... only 39% of those in contract are Russian so perhaps once finished the Russian percentage may not be to large & like mentioned in the previous thread the buildings will be super quiet most of the time b/c they'll be pied a terres ... The Russian families will be housed in large $50M townhouses on Eaton Sq & Chester Sq & the apt will be used for the Eastern European call girls, those are the ones shoving in Harvey Nicks! [Only Americans go to Harrods!]

Mama, does the brochure mention Candy & Candys famous mirror? They install full length mirrors in the dressing rooms - you check yourself out facing the mirror then turnaround & it takes a full length pic of the rear of your outfit, turn back around to face the mirror & within 5 secs the entire rear of your outfit is displayed in the mirror so you can see what you look like from behind! ... Good for all the Russian females, they'll never have to leave their swank apt with their skirts tucked into their panties!

Parker said...

Good find, Mama. I still can't imagine living in a place like that, but then again, I enjoy my green lawn and space for the kidlets to play. I also can't wrap my head around living in a place that reminds me so much of a hotel, complete with people to tend to your every whim. I'd feel like I was missing out on life while hired help was living it for me. Then again, I wouldn't mind having a little assistance preparing dinner now and then...

sandpiper said...

Dunno. As they say, form follows function. If the target (no pun intended) demographic needs bullet proof glass and safe rooms ... I'll stay put right where I am, thank you very much.

Anonymous said...

GREAT JOB Mama!!!
I would love to see a virtual tour on one.
How sad to feel you need SO much protection. I prefer the wide open spaces...

Sandlewood

aussie child said...

I love the floor plan, the spaces are so large the irregular shapes of the rooms wouldn't be all that noticeable

so_chic_darling said...

Ace reporting Mama,is this the most expensive real estate on the planet based on per sq foot price?

margalit said...

Excellent find, Mama. But there are a couple of things I find disturbing about this floor plan. No guest powder room? Ewwww.

And where do this fabulously rich people wash their clothing? Or do they just throw it out when they're done wearing it?

I can't imagine raising children in such a space. But then again, when you have enough help, the kiddies only have to appear to the parents to say goodnight. Sigh.

so_chic_darling said...

One more question,does anyone know what was on this land before?I doubt that it was vacant.

Alessandra said...

The aerial view makes these buildings look like coffins. Not to be macabre, but that was my first impression.

While the floor plans do look cramped, with 8500 sq. ft, the owners probably feel like they've got plenty of room. I'm not sure how one copes with all that angular space, but I've got to hope that once inside, it all makes sense.

Anonymous said...

"No guest powder room? Ewwww"

I think I can see two.

"I can't imagine raising children in such a space"

The vast majority will be pied a terres & if it's mostly Russians & Middle Easterners then they tend to keep other properties in the city.

"the kiddies only have to appear to the parents to say goodnight"

It's Britain. Kids go to Boarding School if their Parents can afford $60K a year to send them.

"does anyone know what was on this land before?I doubt that it was vacant."

Bowater House. An ugly 1950's office block. Surprised it wasn't knocked down years ago given the location, top of Sloane Street, across from Harvey Nicks, along the street from Harrods, looking onto Hyde Park. Not sure who owned it previously but Candy & Candy bought it in 2005.

Barren Karen said...

Margalit, I see two powder rooms for guests...one behind the kitchen in the service entrance and one next to the room with the desk...office i guess.

This doesn't look cramped to me. 8,500 sq. ft. cramped? Cramped is my Cousin Wanda's 1000 sf 2 bedroom house with 7 people living in it.

The coffin thing was a good call.

sandpiper said...

Hi so_chic ...

Just for you!
Second paragraph from the bottom.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the link, Sandpiper. Loved it!
So, where's the secondary kitchen for the Master Bedroom, or is that something we'd have to pay extra to have Candy and Candy design and install for us? No one wants to tramp all the way to that kitchen at midnight for the post-coital ice cream, nor would we want the help trooping into our privacy at that point. And it would be nice to wake up to the smell of freshly brewing coffee right next to the bedroom early in the mornings. Yep, definitely needs a secondary kitchen ...

Madonna with a twenty in her hand said...

What's the celebrity discount?

luke220 said...

No one has commented on the lateral views. All those windows on the side look into adjacent apartments. For people so concerned about security, I'd think that this may be an issue, along with the glass elevator.

I like the concept but hate the floorplans.

chineese delivery man said...

no discount!

lil' gay boy said...

SP:

Here's the contact you asked for:

mamas_haters@live.com

To everyone here:

Please feel free to use this address to tell me to shut up, fuck off, eat shit and die, etc. I won't mind it a bit.

I just ask one thing in return - I have never, do not, and will never post a comment under anything other than my nickname, LGB. So think twice before you post to an anon, assuming it's me; it breaks my heart to think that it could be some young kid finally working up the nerve to make his or her first post, only to be accused of being someone they never heard of and having abuse heaped upon them.

As for the recent personal comments re: BGD; I was told by one of you kind folk that some of you had asked after him (you know who you are; thanks folks), and wanted to express my appreciation for your concern; after all, apart from the critiques and quips we exchange, we really don't know each other except through what we post. And as for J Lo, well she is a celebrity and we do gossip about them, don't we?

Thanks again for asking after BGD; I truly appreciated it.

Peace.

HUAC said...

your girl is lovely, Hubble!

LOL, "it breaks my heart to think that some young kid finally working up the nerve to make his or her first post ... only to be accused."

dude, i am sorry for your troubles with yer partner/bf but really, are you HIGH? get a grip.

young kids are not working up the nerve to post on this here blog. even if they wanted to post, they wouldn't be daunted.

there are DEFINITELY some recent anonymous posts that seem to have you written all over them.

Anonymous said...

All,

Let's take a higher road.

Peace.

Viva! said...

I've come. I still hate buildings but imagine living there, with THAT view to wake up to.

Anonymous said...

LGB,
How could it NOT be incredible to share Jennifer's blessed event. Babies are miracles--each and every one.

lil' gay boy said...

HUAC,

You are simply mistaken.

Thanks, Anon 6:14.

Parker said...

...and who wouldn't want to hear good news about a sick person who is recovering? Really. Life is hard enough, let's celebrate what blessings we have. Without our health we have nothing.

As for this property, I wonder how often the windows are cleaned for that kind of monthly payment?

Parker said...

One more thought: Mama writes with a personal and conversational voice that sets the tone for others to contribute in a similar fashion. This isn't a news site.

Anonymous said...

Jan Horn and Lil' Gay Boy were seen together outside Hyde Park. But that's crazy since, Jan does his best work in the closet. Beauty and the Beast

lil' gay boy said...

Went to Jan Horn's "site" - some pretty boring properties there, if you ask me.

I'm a New Yorker - can someone explain why he seems to be the most hated man in real estate? His inventory sucks, quite frankly.

BTW, would I be correct in assuming Hyde Park is a "gay establishment?"

;-)

Anonymous said...

my manager at sotheby's told me Jan Horn is really unethical and steals clients from good agents. said people are sick of this lil' flea bite trying to steal listings. he's a no name wantabe. D-list at best. flush, ah, the smell of a fresh dump as it circles the toilet bowl.

Madonna with a twenty in her hand said...

I was talking to the sales girl at Candy and candy,I don't need a discount on my tofu!

lil' gay boy said...

Anon 9:14,

Nicely put. But since our diva, Ms Kathy Griffin, is a D-lister, he's got to be WAY below that . . . just where does the sewage exit?

Anonymous said...

I don't want to hear about babies or sick loved ones. sorry. but i don't.

I want to know more about this jan horn though.

And, does anyone else think it's just inexcusable to spend 192million on an apt? when you could spend 30m, get a nice place and help a lot of less fortunate with food shelter and healthcare.

I'm all for rich people, but there is a point where the spending is just inhuman and greedy.

Anonymous said...

^

All 4 penthouses have similar prices. Sorry but in London $30M buys you very little, probably a 4000sqft terrace house in Kensington, Chelsea, perhaps a detached house in Notting Hill .. For a terraced house in Belgravia, Knightsbridge then you're talking $40M - $60M, about the same for a detached property in Holland Park ... So, $30M gets you a "nice place" but a fairly small one at that.

The spending isn't inhuman or greedy when you likely give multi-millions to charities & foundations annually.


"BTW, would I be correct in assuming Hyde Park is a "gay establishment?"

Well, London is 33% green so you can imagine with all the parks there's lots of activity. I don't think Hyde Park is, like most parks it's well policed in the evening & they tend to work undercover I believe ... Hampstead Heath is the known cruising ground in London after dark - apparently it's the busiest cruising ground in the world & for some reason in super-rich Hampstead the police turn a blind eye, as do the residents - definitely makes being straight & walking your dogs at night a daunting prospect, the last thing I would want is for George Michael to try & lure me into some bushes - lol!

Anonymous said...

The low scale/density and repetitous plan of the four "coffins" reminds me of college dorms. Did height restrictions forbid a real tower?

Live from London said...

we are being eaten alive by the Russians and their vulgarity.First they destroyed the South of France now us.

lil' gay boy said...

Anon 5:44,

Thanks for not laughing at me - that was a MAJOR DUH moment for me; I was asking about an LA real estate agent and completely forgot this thread was about One Hyde Park. In London. Where London's famous Hyde Park is.

I thought he was referring to a bar in LA. Like I said, DUH.

=:O

Anonymous said...

"All 4 penthouses have similar prices. Sorry but in London $30M buys you very little,"

Quite an exxageration my friend, my aunt and uncle just bought at 7000 sq townhouse in mayfair a block from the park for 20 million pounds.

Yes London is uber-expensive, but it is not buying a high end property is not as costly as building a space station.

Anonymous said...

sorry I meant 20 millions DOLLARS

Anonymous said...

Seriously though, 15 Million Pounds will certainly buy you plenty even in Belgravia....There just happens to be quite a few ultra expensive properties which boogle the mind.

As far as One Hyde Park, I would wager most of the buyers, are far more interested in the prospect of personal stationary with the building as a return address, than the actual design.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the above, it simply isn't possible that the majority of properties in London are worth more that 30mm. What exactly is your definition of small? 5000 sq feet? It is silly to say that for 15 million pounds you will only be able to find small properties.

Anonymous said...

"Quite an exxageration my friend, my aunt and uncle just bought at 7000 sq townhouse in mayfair a block from the park for 20 million"

You'll notice I didn't mention Mayfair. A townhouse in Mayfair is substantially cheaper than a townhouse in Knightsbridge or Belgravia. £10M for a townhouse is cheap as hell, you can barely buy a townhouse in Notting Hill for £10M - Try buying a townhouse in Belgravia, Knightsbridge, Holland Park & the Phillimores in Kensington for £10M - the realtors will laugh in your face.

Anonymous said...

Also, if your Aunt & Uncles property a 'block from the park' happens to be in the immediate vicinity of Grosvenor Square then it's no wonder it was so cheap for 7000sqft .... NOBODY wants to live in homes close to Grosvenor Sq due to the American Embassy & possible attacks. That entire area is like Baghdad with armed police & their machine guns on every single corner. Many stories have been in the media about people trying to shift their properties for years & years, there was even a documentary made about the local residents living in fear ... Then the residents were campaigning through the media for the streets to be closed to traffic b/c they feared car bombs etc... So basically, your family got a bargain - hopefully they'll settle in b/c it will take 10 years to sell the place!

Anonymous said...

BELGRAVIA

6,500sqft - $45M

http://www.struttandparker.co.uk/html2/php/property.php?tab=list&id=SLN070111

6,900sqft - $36M

http://www.knightfrank.co.uk/SLA070165


Just 2 examples. For those prices in the U.E.S of Manhattan you can get 15 - 20,000 sqft.

Anonymous said...

Terraces are too small for the size of the apt. IMHO

sandpiper said...

This floor plan is unnecessarily over-worked.

For such a complex layout, wouldn't it be easier to navigate without the many distracting features like area rugs, too much furniture-and people?

Maybe it's just me, but if the line weights weren’t so heavy, and some of the "givens" like door openings, closets and structural elements were grayed back, this plan would be so much easier on the eyes and mind.

Anyone know if the windows are correctly represented? I thought they were angled?

lil' gay boy said...

Sandpiper,

I believe this plan is from a lower floor; if you look at the elevations of the buildings, the upper floors do have angled windows. Also, the first set of plans posted were not finals, I believe.

I like looking a floor plans too; but with it's unique geometries, representing furniture arrangement makes it harder to get a feel for the space - I just have a hard time picturing it.

sandpiper said...

LGB,
Ahhh. Now I get it! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

j"ust 2 examples. For those prices in the U.E.S of Manhattan you can get 15 - 20,000 sqft."

Actually you cant. In the primest of properties 40 millin will get you about 8-10,000 sq feet.

Eaxamples: Two penthouses at 15 central park west, 46 mllion/10000 sq feet.

Rupert murdoch's apartment, forget the specifics but same deal...

Palazo Chupi: 27 and 31 million for apartments less the 8000 sq feet.

I really feel that although London may be over all more expensive, the upper echelon of properties are priced similarly, except of course for a few exceptions....

Oh an Uncle Jacob and Aunt Rose live right near the Dorchester, not sure if that is near the embassy or not.

Anonymous said...

http://corcoran.com/property/listing.aspx?Region=NYC&ListingID=1172904

$60M 9800 sq feet

http://corcoran.com/property/listing.aspx?Region=NYC&ListingID=1123635

$50M 7000 sq feet

http://corcoran.com/property/listing.aspx?Region=NYC&ListingID=1035804

$47.5M 7000 sq feet

http://corcoran.com/property/listing.aspx?Region=NYC&ListingID=1172899

$23M 4800 sq feet

Sorry for the horrific spelling before:)

But as you can see I think Belgravia, Kensington, and the prime areas of Manhattan are about neck and neck...

lil' gay boy said...

I think they should rename this development; I got the idea from Alessandra:

COFFIN COMMONS

Anonymous said...

Who designed this building? This floor plan is horrible. The bedrooms are layed out like a cruiseship or something. Too regular and too boilerplate. Ugh. Also, too many public rooms. Who needs all that? Even the bloody filthy stinking rich don't unless they conduct social events constantly.

Anonymous said...

I've been informed ceilings will only be 9'3". This is because of height restrictions. Luxury standard is generally 10' or more.

john said...

This question is open to anybody:
Does anybody know how much square footage(internal and external combined) is any one of the 4 penthouses,are they even equal in floor space to begin with?

Thank you for answering this question.

Anonymous said...

Coffin shaped and bullet proof glass - can you say "M-A-F-I-A?"

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.