Friday, February 22, 2008

Khandi's Khrib of Fours

SELLER: Khandi Alexander
LOCATION: Woodshill Trail, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: reduced to $2,995,000 from $4,495,000
SIZE: 4,126, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fabulous! Celebrity owned hip estate behind Chateau Marmont. Head on dramatic city views are just the bonus to this spectacular home. Soaring ceilings in every room, 5 fireplaces, walk-in closet, gym, library, office, pool, spa, and grassy side yard for dogs. 3 car garage, at the end of a cul-de-sac with tremendous privacy and security. This house is sunshine bright with a full on southern exposure. Completely redone. Just bring your toothbrush - property is sold furnished!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last week, Your Mama floated a tidbit about CSI: Miami actress and buxom icon Khandi Alexander listing her home located up behind the Chateau Marmont Hotel, where rich and famous folks often gather for cocktails and adulterous rendezvous. Being the nervous and superstitious type that we are, Your Mama's big ol' ears pricked right up when we read through the listing and noted the repetition of the number four: 4 stories, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms, 4,126 square feet with an asking price of $4,495,000. We don't have a clue what all those fours mean, but children, mark my words, that number 4 is significant. Some numerologist type should get on the horn quick and try to convince Miss Khandi to sell her khrib for $4,444,444.

Property records show that the dee-lishus Miss Khandi purchased her multi-floor khrib on itty bitty Woodshill Trail in the hills above Hollywood in January of 2006 for $2,850,000. Listing information indicates that in addition to the 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms, the "recently redone" house includes 5 fireplaces (too bad there's not just 4), a gym, library, office, a 3-car garage, (why not make room for 4?), a small grassy side yards for the canines, full on southern sun exposure, a swimming pool, spa, and soaring ceilings in every room. Which all sounds good...on paper.

When Miss Khandi's khrib first hit the market, no pictures were included for all us nosy real estate gossip types to pour over. Now there are. And Khandi gurl, we gotta say, we are not impressed. We just hope that you have done packed your flat irons and push up brassieres and already moved on because the photographs of your khrib look about as alive as the nursing home where they used to keep Your Mama's mama's poor old Aunt Velma.

Your Mama confesses: we luv us some Khandi Alexander and because of our undying affection for the bosomalicious babe and her flawless chi-chis, we are somewhat reluctant to speak ill about those upsetting and confusing faux cornerstones on the exterior that fail to give the place a "French" vibe, which is what we think they're supposed to do. We're also not sure we want to get into the entrance hall looking like an airport terminal in Kuwait, the dining room with it's wall of mirrors that force diners to watch all the masticating in visual stereo, and we certainly don't want to bring up the obvious danger of stepping out of that patio door after a half a dozen gin and tonics and falling di-rectly into the mini-pool.

For some unknown reason, the Miss Khandi's khrib is being sold furnished, which perplexes Your Mama but should please all lovers of fake suede and white rugs.

Here's what Your Mama wants to know...is there an elevator in this house? Because navigating four floors of residence without an elevator could easily get a little difficult unless you're one of those firm gluted exercise freaks that are so common around Los Angeles. The other thing we want to know is if a good pair of binoculars allow one to peer into the rooms of the Chateau Marmont? The ability would certain save on the cable bill because who needs reality TV when you can sit on the balcony and watch the sordid doings at the Marmont day and night?

Although we are not a big fan of this house, Your Mama sincerely wishes Miss Khandi much luck in selling her house and the furniture to someone who likes climbing stairs. And wherever she may land next, we sincerely hope she'll khool it on the fake suede and white rugs. Seriously gurl, give Your Mama a shout and we'll hook you up with a nice gay decorator that will rock your next khrib into the sensational celebrity hideaway you deserve.

44 comments:

Jordy said...

too many floors for me, so weird there's another home up for sale on Woodshill Trail, why's everyone suddenly moving?

sandpiper said...

This is a 4-alarm violation of real estate marketing.

Mama, it's not 4/1 yet. Is this an early April fools joke?

lil' gay boy said...

BGD just called - J Lo delivered just after midnight, a boy and a girl - no names yet.

Will let you know when he finds out. He sends his love and appreciates Mama's chilruns asking after his health. His fever has finally broken (it's a J Lo miracle!) which means he'll be home in a few days, although bedridden for quite a while; in the meantime he has a front row seat to the J Lo goings-on. Can you tell my anxiety level is down?

;-)

Snow day here on balmy Long Island - I love telecommuting!

As for Ms Khandi's house, well, I had higher hopes for the decor, given her fierce personal style. The window treatments are, well, they just are . . . The fake quoins, as Mama said, are unfortunate (but the facade still presentable), kitchen is not obnoxious, and the stairwell with its flying bridge and skylights are mercifully subdued, but other than the dining set I wouldn't take a stick of that overstuffed furniture, no matter how comfortable it seems. Not even that cozy throw on a snowy day like today.

Not normally a fan of mirrored walls but it somehow works in this space; my guess is no view to speak of from the rest of the room but more awful drapes, from what the reflection shows, although the fireplace looks good. It appears to be a reflection of the room in the pic below it.

Sandpiper, grab that extinguisher and we'll go to work!

I suppose a lap pool is better than none on this crowded lot, but that spa looks downright dangerous. Might stumble out that door with a G&T in hand and go ass-over teakettle into it! What a waste of good Bombay Sapphire . . .

If I hear any more from BGD about J Lo I'll pass it on; once again, thank you all for your good wishes for his speedy recovery. I missed Mama's chilruns.

Anonymous said...

I love Khandi funny (NewsRadio) and I love Khandi serious (Miami CSI...well, okay, that's more funny than serious, but whatever), but I do not like one thing about her house. I'd love to see where she's moving.

Flora said...

That pool is frankly alarming and dangerous. Don't you have builing regulations over there? I hope Miss Thing, whoever she is, is moving to a plot with sufficient space for a pool you can actually walk around on all sides. I don't mind the cardboard quoins on the facade so much as I do the textile terrors that 'decorate' the windows. She is right to leave them and the rest of the furniture behind, but its cruel to make someone else pay for it, when we all know its going to end up in landfill soon. Right?

Barren Karen said...

Flora...I love you. I'm committed to an affair with Babe Parish, but maybe we can have a fling? My too large membered husband does not mind.

When are people going to learn that you can't just throw a gauzy piece of fabric at a window and call it a curtain?

Khandi, you are sexy as can be, and all due respect, but someone needs to give you (or the decorator you paid waaay too much money) a lesson in the Curtain Arts.

Anonymous said...

Mama, I just commented on your 1 Hyde Park floorplans & the entire post has just vanished! Were the Candy & Candy lawyers that quick to email you? They do tend to be very secretive about their projects!

pch said...

It could be worse. But the cornice and those quoins are killing me. The outsize fanlight over the front door, too. And the center hall looks like you're on your way to the food court at the Westside Pavilion.

bentley said...

It is wildly apparent with all these "celeb" owned homes that no one, from the owners to the designers, actually cooks. They make the most bizarre placement choices for their appliances. What a mess, and shtank-ass ugly, to boot.

Alessandra said...

I kind of like the museum gallery feel of the foyer. You could hang some fabulous art there (or even do a Calder mobile or a Chihuly chandelier) and it would liven up the space a lot.

Otherwise, it is a completely pedestrian house (no pun intended, even though you could potentially be hiking up and down four stories all day), and the furnishings look like Crate and Barrel floor samples from 2003.

LGB, glad to hear BGD is on the mend and that JLo has birthed herself some babies.

Alessandra said...

Oh, completely agree with Bentley on the kitchen. I had a brain freeze when I saw the stove and fridge placements, which are wildly impractical.

But Hollywood types don't eat, so a working kitchen is purely vestigial.

lil' gay boy said...

Alessandra,

I absolutely LOVE Chihuly - perfect suggestion for that foyer; you always have a good eye for just what a space is missing.

fairfield girl said...

lgb
I'm so glad that gbd is doing better.

Anonymous said...

L-Bud,
Lost your e-contact info. What post is it under again? Tried search w/no luck.
SP :)

Anonymous said...

UGH. He's back and I am out of here.

Parker said...

Well now we know why no pictures were originally posted with this listing. I totally agree with the comment about the center hall looking like Westside Pavilion - perfect. I'm a fan of Khandi as an actress, not as a homeowner.

Anonymous said...

Every day these pictures stay up is another lost day for a potential buyer.

If it was my house, I'd get this mess pulled, fixed and reshot--fast.

said...

Anon 10.02am

Good Fucking riddance!

Anonymous said...

unrelated to this post, but for those floor plan porn lovers, you may want to check this out...

http://www.fishseddy.com/browse.cfm/2,103.html

Just Asking... said...

Let's not name call over this LGB thing. Is there is an amicable solution to be reached?

Maybe if LGB kept his comments more brief/less frequent and more about Mama's posts and less about his life and personal issues, perhaps those that do not care for him would keep their traps shut?

Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

oh

Anonymous said...

Why is everyone moving off Woodshill Trail? It seems like the whole street is for sale.

said it before said...

yes...more brief/less frequent
we can all goto TMZ for J Lo updates.

lil' gay boy said...

Just Asking & Said it Before:

Excellent point (that's what got me into trouble the last time) - no updates or personal info, PROMISE.

No more posts on this thread either - SP, will get my e-contact to you somehow.

Wendy said...

Whatever girl

Parker said...

How about if you're not interested in what LGB has to say, you just don't read his comments?

Anonymous said...

Parker,

That's not a bad suggestion and one that's been floated unsuccessfully before.

I really don't think anyone wants LGB to stop posting.

I don't mean this in a malicious way at all, but I think some just would like for him to post less frequently and not bring his personal life on to this blog which is not written by him or about him.

He's free to start his own blog if he wants to create a fan base interested in his personal life and off topic musings. And to be honest, I think he should...he's got a fair number of people who seem to enjoy his touchy feely intimacy and extensive comments and would no doubt read it.

That said, I'll get back on topic, which is Khandi Khane, who is one tall drink of water. Too bad the same can not be said of her house. It's gotta be staged, right?

Anonymous said...

We all bring our personal lives to the blog in some way or another. And there is nothing wrong with that. It is an online *community*. If Mama didn't want the readers to feel a sense of community, he wouldn't be "Mama" and wouldn't refer to the readers as the "children".

I really don't get the personal attacks on LGB because he never writes anything bad about anyone else here. The only thing I can figure is someone is jealous that LGB does actually have something to say and people are actually interested in reading it...unlike a person who shall remain nameless (until he comes up with his next screen name).

Anonymous said...

Please everyone stop complaining.
I enjoy ALL comments and interesting information. If I don't relate or can't relate it is released and let go, then on to the next....
LGB I find your comments interesting and knowledgeable. Teaching the old dog new stuff...

Sandlewood..

Anonymous said...

No. Respectfully, this is not an online "community," nor is it a social networking site. It's a blog about celebrity real estate where people read about and chatter about celebrity real estate, architecture and interior design.

We DO all bring a little of ourselves to the comments, of course. But do you know ANYTHING personal about regulars like sandpiper or PCH or Caveman? How about So Chic, Aunt Mary or Barren Karen? Do you know where they live, who their spouse is, what they do for a living, or any medical issues (God forbid) they're dealing with? Neither do I.

In all fairness, LGB and his pals have tossed out any number of nasty comments too. No one is clean there.

There does however seem to be a real effort to come up with a solution t the "problem" so that everyone, including LGB, can contribute and comment without it being a bitch fest.

Anonymous said...

I love being floated a tidbit.

property pimp said...

Yup, thats the house that "numbers" built.......... owners built three in a row.....

sandpiper said...

Respectfully, 2:03,

[Others, please skip this if you wish because it is "off-topic," and longer than intended. <3 ]

2:03, I get what you're saying. Really do, and respect it.

I wrote something close to 1:37's comment hours ago. Then I thought, "No, don't get involved" and back spaced.

Your description of our bond is so accurate. Speaking for myself, I'm drawn to a "shared temperment"...call it a dominate right brain with the left not far behind (a rare and wonderful mix when it happens--and we have it!). I think we connect in a curious appreciation for architecture. We're not splitting atoms or balancing the Federal debt. Here is about the temperment that binds us to Mama's lead; why we're thrown together.

I like to think we need to embrace that collective spirit on a human level in short spurts as required; in this case a serious hospitalization of a loved one.

2:03, please take a name because I like you and hope to associate you as a familiar voice.

(How ironic, Marvin Gaye's "What's Goin' On" is playing in the background.)

Babe Parish said...

COMMITTED. COMMITTED. Love that word and Barren Karen you have my blessings to partake of the verbal exchanges with Lovely Flora. Who am I to ball n chain ya? :P

Now, if only Ms. Khandi would COMMIT to a STYLE! This place is a neutralized disaster. She is so foxy, I only wish her pad displayed the conviction and chops she effortlessly exudes every week! Even a thousand dollars spent at Pom Pom or any other shop on La Brea or Beverly would jazz this place up considerably. The palette is like 'Nilla Wafer meets bad Hummus!

BP

Viva! said...

I hate this house. For 4.495 million I expect a fabulous pool, not some jagged edged plunge cliff side disaster!

Here's the thing: this is likely an improvement on what the house used to look like and she got it for a decent price and since I like Khandi I hope she makes a few bucks and buys herself something MUCH NICER and TASTEFUL in Brentwood.

The Hollywood Mayor said...

This house is CRAP!

4 stories! Who wants that? The master is upstairs (floor 4) and the kitchen is downstairs (floor 2). Who would want to go for a snack in the middle of the night with that sort of trek?

That pool is aweful, the design of the house is horrible and the interiors are horredous... this house is wayyyyyy overpriced as is. Nice square footage is about the only positive... not a home!

lil' gay boy said...

Sandlewood (whom I suspect is not such an "old dog"),

At the risk of making too many comments again, thanks.

Anon 2:03,

Yes, in a fit of pique, I may have said something that was personally nasty (correcting someone for their typos, misuse of synonyms or bad spelling, etc. is childish); I own it and I apologize. None of us are innocents here. I will assume most of us would like to believe we are above such petty crimes against our fellow man, but alas, we're human. And when we do bring a little bit of ourselves to a comment thread, we do become a community, like it or not.

But I do not wish to, nor will I ever start my own blog; hard as you may find it to believe, I do not desire such attention; but more to the point, I couldn't in good conscience draw away a single of Mama's posters - there's much you have not been privy to, but Mama has been very good to me.

As for Khandi's house, rip out the quoins, fanlight and cornice as per PCH's suggestion, choose a nice neutral color for the street facade, and its curb appeal would soar. The kicker would be a second elevator.

Tom said...

Dude you are fascinating to watch you make your way around here.

Just curious...how has Mama been very good to you? I suspect you're being dramatic in your association.

lil' gay boy said...

Mama responds to her emails - I think that's kind. Nothing more dramatic than that.

Most people who run a blog couldn't be bothered to. When BGD was in the hospital, Mama sent a nice note.

Aquaman said...

the question is, what particular personality disorder does LGB suffer from?

his insistent posting only slows when the comments of others finally manages to pierce his denial that they are either one person, or part of some vast internet conspiracy to bring Mama's site to its knees.

he then comes back in a contrite frame, and seems to acknowledge the situation by saying things like, "that's what got me into trouble before," and then boom, before you know, it, we're back to square one and he's prattling everywhere to everyone in that way of his.

he is the only one, as far as i can see, who drags elements of his personal life, and in this case personal trauma, onto the stage in order to what, i'm not sure.

hell, maybe it's some variant of Munchausen by Proxy syndrome, who the fuck knows?

as for his own blog, i just checked, and the URL blowhard.com is still available.

pch said...

Swung by Woodshill Trail this afternoon. On the plus side, the house is tucked at the bottom of a steep little cul-de-sac, so feels very private. But Mama is right -- the main view is of the Chateau Marmont's backside. It's thisclose. No thanks.

The Akroyd house on Selma is just around the corner. Crazycool triangular lot. I'd imagine the views are fairly limited. House looks like it does need work, but has a very excellent haunted mansion kind of vibe. For half the price of the Alexander place, you get a much more interesting proposition.

lil' gay boy said...

PCH,

I envy you your ability to scope out these properties in person. Also, you clearly know the history of the areas they're in.

You once mentioned that you moved around a lot as a child; was it in these areas, and is that where your appreciation of them comes from?

pch said...

Bingo, LGB :)

Anonymous said...

she reduced her price, she asked $4,495,000 and now $3,495,000