Sunday, February 11, 2007

Howard Stern's EX-Summer House (Updated 02/14/07)

SELLER: Howard Stern
LOCATION: Ship Wreck Drive, Amagansett
PRICE: $7,600,000 (last list price)
SIZE: 1.75 acres, 5,500 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 baths
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from the listing agent's website) This 5,500 sq. ft. 5 bedroom Frank Hollenbeck/John Hummel collaboration is privately poised in the dunes overlooking 350' of pristine Amagansett beachfront...An open floor plan suggests relaxed weekends with complete kitchen, dining area and vaulted ceiling great room. The private master wing is joined by 4 additional guest suites for fortunate family and friends. Outside the heated pool and spa with generous decking is joined by a separate studio where your gym equipment will surely get good use.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Well would you looky at that. Turns out Big Hair is the marrying type afterall...and according the LAist, Big Hair gave her a big diamond and then a big, uh, well, Your Mama is too decent to say what else he gave her, but you can read all about it here.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Just writing about this man makes Your Mama feel durrty. Deliciously dirty, but dirty none the less. We'll muddle through as best as we can and then head to the showers to scrub off the grime by association. That's right puppies, this is the former home of that fuzzy headed, filthy mouthed, stripper loving, satellite radio shock jock Howard Stern. Did you hear Your Mama, the FORMER home. So don't none of you freako star fuckers drive out to the Hamptons and park your sad rides out front of this house thinking you're going to get a glimpse of Mister Big Hair and the wifey.

See, turns out the primary reason Big Hair and wifey (blond bomber Beth Orlosky) sold this post-modern dune riding summer shack is the location of this property was discovered by "fans" who camped out at the bottom of the drive and used the public beach access to hang around on the beach behind the house. Honestly. These "fans" really make Your Mama wonder if they're not correct in the head. Do they really think the way to endear themselves to a big celebrity is to stand out on the beach and holler at them as these celebs cook up their burgers and hot dogs on the barbecue? Please.

Big Hair and wifey rented this ocean front house way out in Amagansett for a couple of seasons before agreeing to purchase the property in 2002 for about $5,500,000. As it happens, this house is just a long stone's throw from Your Mama's favorite side-of-the-highway clam shack.

Your Mama's opinion on the house, a post-modern version of a classic shingled Hamptons summer house, is that it appears rather typical and even bland. Lots of square footage in a great ocean front location, but otherwise sort of, well, ordinary. If you ask Your Mama, and of course no one did, the best feature of this property is the heated ocean side swimming pool. Now children, that is some seer-ee-us luxury to be able to have your house boy Miguel serve you fish tacos pool-side while you sit on a chaise, feigning ennui, and staring at the crashing waves of the Atlantic.

Anyhoo, the happy couple had only a couple of happy seasons here before they felt they needed to move to a more secluded and secure location. Someplace where Mister Big Hair's "fan's" would not be up their butts while they were trying to have a relaxing weekend at the sea shore.

So they called up Corcoran's Gary DePersia, Hamptons uber-agent to the rich and famous, and put this place on the market. It is our understanding the asking price had to be lowered several times before securing a buyer.

Mr. Big Hair and wifey famously looked long and hard for a new property. Their house hunt was splashed on the gossip pages from Manhattan to Montauk, and due to the publicity the couple claimed to put an end to their search.

However, according to the New York Post's Braden Keil (via a website called Howard Shrine), this privacy seeking couple in fact had made offers on a couple of properties that did not pan out. First they lost out on a $20,000,000 home on Further Lane, which in addition to being one of the swankest locations in the Hamptons, would have made them neighbors with Mr. Jerry Seinfeld as well as many other super-rich and famous Hamptonites.

Then the couple was outbid on a tremendous, 22,000 square foot house on Scuttle Hole Road in Bridgehampton's horse country. This house, a newly built spec-house, sported an indoor basketball court. Of course, Your Mama thinks an indoor basketball court is stoopid, but maybe Big Hair and wifey like to dribble and shoot. Who knew.

The couple finally settled on a 4.3 acre plot of vacant, ocean front land in Southampton with a Squabble Lane street address for which they paid a reported $20,000,000. For vacant land! That should tell you something about housing prices in the Hamptons. But given Big Hair's much publicized $100,000,000 contract from Sirius Satellite Radio, Your Mama knows they can afford the property.

Mister Big Hair and wifey have embarked on building what will mostly likely be a huge, well-appointed house on this land. But we can't help but wonder what the more staid, super-rich neighborhood residents think of this purchase. We imagine the neighbors, who include Terry Allen Kramer and Leonard Stern, are probably concerned there's going to be a club in the basement and several stripper poles up in this crib. However, we understand Big Hair and wifey are actually quiet homesteaders who are unlikely to disrupt the calm of this blue blood hood.

The location of this property should ensure the couple plenty of privacy. Access is down a very, very long drive with tall privet hedges lining both sides. Once built the only part of the house likely be visible from Squabble Lane will be the roof line. And no doubt, this is exactly what Big Hair and wifey are looking for.

Your Mama knows Beth Ostrosky is NOT married to Big all you wing nuts can stop sending your nasty, holier than thou emails. Read and study the comment on this post from Stormy for the correct way to come at Your Mama (thank you Stormy hunny).

Sources: Forbes, NY Post, Curbed, The Howard Shrine


Anonymous said...

Lord knows I love this site and I love my MAMA, but why are we calling Howard's girlfriend "wifey"? Am I behind on the gossip and missed some nuptuals?

Your Mama said...

No hunny, you haven't missed any nupshuls, but considering their relationship they really are more like huzband and wifey than not, right?

Anonymous said...

Oh my, you are quite remarkable. Seems you have some sort of power very few possess...