Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Russia's $99,000,000 House

The Russian stock market is having a melt down and here in the good ol' U.S. of A Wall Street is in an utter panic over the bail out brouhaha, but that's not stopping at least one mega-moneyed Russian oligarch from dropping a chomper chattering $99,000,000 on a seven-plus story townhouse in Moscow.

No children, Your Mama did not key in the wrong numbers, that's $99,000,000.

According to a recent report from the big living boys and gurls at Baller House, the approximately 14,000 square foot townhouse is part of something called the Chistie Prudy (Clean Ponds) which appears to Your Mama to be a residential complex of obscenely priced apartments and townhouses in the center of Moscow and within walking distance of the Kremlin. The townhouse is reported to contain 5 bedrooms, 5 full and 3 half bathrooms, a swimming pool in the basement, a winter garden on the roof and an entire floor for the children because, apparently, really rich Russians prefer to keep the kiddies out of the way.

The billionaire buyer has not been named but according to a Moscow real estate agent, he's a low profile tycoon who is around 40 years old.

Let's put this purchase in perspective. According to Reuters India, the average monthly income for Russians is just below $700. A few clicks of the beads on our beloved and bejeweled abacus reveals that it would take the average Russian 11,785 years to come up with the $99,000,000 to buy this house.

Now that's just sad, ain't it?

Max Mutchnick Gets Lucky in Manhattan

SELLER: Max Mutchnick and Erik Hyman
LOCATION: West 11th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $4,100,000 (maintenance and common charges: $2,847/month)
SIZE: 1,750 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This brilliantly warm pre-war home offers a sense of luxury and comfort at every turn. The meticulously designed South facing living room and formal dining room adjoin, looking over quiet and historic W. 11th Street in the heart of the Gold Coast. Superb eat-in kitchen for informal gathering. Two bedroom, both with en-suite baths.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A little birdie we'll call Manhattan Mary recently whispered in Your Mama's big ear that Will and Grace co-creator and his unfortunately named man-mate Erik Hyman recently sold their Manhattan pied a terre for $4,100,000.

Most of the children will surely recall that over the last year or so Your Mama has discussed Mssrs. Mutchnick and Hyman's real estate comings and goings both ad infinitum and ad nauseum. But for those of you with memories the size of a garbanzo bean, we'll quickly recap:

Back in December of 2007 Misters Mutchnick and Hyman sold their exuberantly engineered house in Beverly Hills to talk show princess Ellen Degeneres and her newly wedded wifey Porta Di Rossi for a blistering $29,000,000. Then in June of 2008, the property mad men took their real estate and residual riches and scooped up tennis titan Pete Sampras' mansion on super swank Loma Vista Drive in Beverly Hills. Rumors and reports say that the real estate savvy gentleman managed to swing the 6 bedroom and 12 bathroom house for $16,980,000, a huge sum of money by any standards but nowhere near the $23,000,000 asking price. Someone in that family is clearly a very skilled negotiator.

Anyhoo, property records show the Misters Mutchnik and Hyman purchased a 6th floor unit in a reasonably posh, well maintained, and pet friendly building just of lower Fifth Avenue on West 11th Street in July of 2005 for $2,590,000. Listing information we managed to squeeze out of the interweb shows that that co-operative apartment measures (approx.) 1,750 square feet and includes two bedrooms and three bathrooms. (Yes children, we too can see that the floor plan shows 2.5 bathrooms.) The master bedroom includes four separate closets and a hotel sized bathroom large enough to turn a wheelchair, a nice feature for those of us in our advanced years. A confusing and catty wompus hallway runs between the master bedroom at the rear of the apartment and the impressive 38' long living and dining room space. A windowed kitchen is tucked up behind the dining room and appears large enough in which to put a small breakfast table, a rarity in most Manhattan apartments. For four million clams, we can only hope that kitchen has been stuffed full of very expensive and high grade appliances and cabinetry.

Although we know that many of you will loathe them with every fiber of your being, Your Mama l-o-v-e-s all them white walls which are perfect for hanging a small art collection and we love the pre-war proportions of the rooms. But for us, by far the most pleasing part of the co-operative apartment are the stunning herringbone patterned wood floors that have been given a lusterous and lovely finish. We can imagine the dee-light we would feel writhing around on those floors in our birthday suit, but that's really none of y'all biznes, is it?

Clearly the Misters Mutchnick and Hyman hired a nice gay decorator to come in and do up and do over their pied a terre in quasi masculine high homo style with Louis Vuitton trunks, zebra striped benches, well worn brown leather club chairs, velvet sofas and shiny lamp shades. Don't nobody misunderstand Your Mama. We'd live here in a heartbeat (cattywompus hallway and all), but we don't imagine anyone would mistake this for a heterosexual male's home.

What is perhaps most interesting about this sale is that the apartment was listed for $3,960,000 and Manhattan Mary swears it sold for $4,100,000. Although the apartment is listed as "sold" on Streeteasy, due to the fact that property records for the sale are yet to clear, we're unable to confirm that rather impressive (and surprising) $140,000 over the asking price number. If Manhattan Mary is right–and we think he is–Misters Mutchnick and Hyman got very lucky, didn't they?

Between the mortgage melt down and the bailout brouhaha it's interesting to note that some homes and apartments are somehow still selling for more than the asking price. In fact, according to the fine folks at Curbed, this is not the only apartment in the building at 15 West 11th Street that has recently gone to contract for more than the asking price. Yes, children, more.

As mentioned above, at the time of this discussion, prop records of the purchase have yet to clear so we were unable to suss out the buyer's name. We asked Manhattan Mary who the buyer is, natch, and he said it's just some billionaire with money to burn. Must be nice to be spending big as the Dow drops.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Your Mama Hears...

...that bling queen Kimora Lee Simmons has bought herself new house in Beverly Hills.

The children will recall it was only in August of 2007 that Miz Simmons unloaded her N. Doheny Drive manse and scooped up a new nest on guard gated Lime Orchard Road in the Beverly Hills Post Office that happens to sit right up next door to wannabe country crooner Jessica Simpson's California crib.

The children will also recall that nine months later, in early June of 2008, Miz Ants in Her Property Pants flipped the Lime Orchard Road residence back on to the market with an asking price of $7,750,000, a rather gutsy $1,850,000 price increase over the $5,900,000 she paid for the 5 bedroom and 8 bathroom house less than a year before.

Now we hear from a well connected tipster we'll call Danny Dishesdirt that the peripatetic Miz Simmons went out and dumped 8 figures on a 9,405 square foot house on a swanky Shadow Hill Way in the Bev Hills. The property was not listed on the open market.

According to Danny Dishesdirt, the bold, brassy and filthy rich dee-vorcée forked over $11,500,000 for what Mister Dishesdirt called a "tired 90s Medit. villa with a n/s tennis court."

Information Your Mama located on the property reveals that the model turned fashion dee-ziner's new walled, gated and humongously hedged house includes 7 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms, 4 fireplaces, a two story entrance hall, a mahogany paneled library, a ginormous screening room, a state of the art home gym, a wine cellar and an existing guest house. (Mister Dishesdirt also whispered in Your Mama's big ear that there are plans for a new guest house.) Your Mama is a little flummoxed that there does not appear to be a swimming pool on the property. Eleven million plus clams and no swimming pool? No thank you.

Your Mama, as well as several of the children, has already noted that the house on Lime Orchard Road has been removed from the Multiple Listing Service. Of course we don't have any idea why, but perhaps she's planning on staying put on Lime Orchard Road while the new house on Shadow Hill Way is gilded, glamorized, updated and upgraded to her her lavish standards? Could be.

As far as we know, Miz Simmons also still co-owns that outlandish monster mansion in Saddle River, NJ that she shared with her music mogul ex-huzband Russell Simmons which was last listed for sale with a wonky looking asking price of $19,888,000. The (approx.) 35,000 square foot mega-manse no longer seems to be listed.

Teen Aged Vanessa Hudgens Buys an Adult Sized House

BUYER: Vanessa Hudgens
LOCATION: Studio City, CA
PRICE: $2,750,000
SIZE: 5,200 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular old-world Tuscan, architectural manor with Moroccan influences & city light views. Engineer w/ caissons into bedrock, amazing custom stacked stone, saline Pebble-Tech pool/spa, waterfalls, cabana, bbq island, hardwood & stone floors, the ultimate gourmet kitchen, Thermador appliances, windows, copper sinks, Arte de Mexico wrought iron & glass doors wine cellar.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama has long heard whispers and rumors that 19 year old High School Musical ack-tress/wannabe pop star Vanessa Hudgens was looking to buy herself a house in the Hills of Hollywood. The paps frequently photographed the dark haired gossip glossy favorite touring multi-million dollar properties and several reports came out that she bought this house. But, according to our sources, she did not buy that house.

In early August of 2008 while strutting her starlet stuff in borrowed clothes at the Teen Choice Awards, young Miss Hudgens rather brazenly announced to E! Entertainment's super slim red carpet reporter Juliana Rancic that she was in the process of purchasing her first house. Not long after that, Your Mama received a secret communique from a gal we'll call Charity Chitchatter who whispered in Your Mama's big ear that she'd recently heard from someone who would know that Miss Hudgens had closed on her new house.

So Your Mama quickly got on the horn and contacted a few folks we thought might know what is what regarding Miss Hudgen's real estate doings and sho enuf we soon heard back from our wickedly well informed source Lucy Spillerguts who told us that the teen aged millionaire recently dumped $2,750,000 on a big house in Studio City, CA.

Property records show that in early September, young Miss Hudgens completed the transaction for an approximately 5,200 square foot house in the hills above Studio City that listing information reveals includes 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms. Children, what in the world does an 19 year old gurl need with a 5,000+ square foot house with half a dozen bedrooms and 6.5 damn bathrooms?

Listing information also shows that in addition to all the bedrooms, Miss Hudgen's new abode includes a large entrance hall with a curving staircase where she can practice for her Norma Desmond years, living and dining rooms, a home office, a large gore-may kitchen that looks to Your Mama like it could be in just about any upscale tract house anywhere, a family room that opens to the rear terrace and pool deck, and a wine cellar which young Miss Hudgens will not be able to use for quite some time as she's not even old enough to buy liquor.

Other amenities of the teenager's three story abode include hardwood and stone floors, glittery views over the San Fernando Valley, three fireplaces, a three car garage where she can park her pricey Audi convertible, multiple terraces overlooking the back yard and all sorts of wrought iron detailing Your Mama assumes is an attempt to give the house a neo-Tuscan/faux Mediterranean/Moroccan mish-mash sort of vibe. Ack! Listen people, you can't just slap a tile roof on a house an fill it with wrought iron railings and call it Tuscan because we have been to Tuscany and we are certain there are not many (if any) houses in Tuscany that look quite like this. But then again, Miss Hudgens is just a bizzy teen aged ack-tress giddy and flush with fame and while she may well know a Louboutin from a Blahnik and True Religion from Rock and Republic, what does the gurl know about architecture? Seriously. We imagine her real estate agent could have told her this was High Gothic Georgian-style Center Hall Colonial Revival and what would she know, right?

Anyhoo, Miss Hudgen's terraced back yard features a beautifully blue saline swimming pool and spa where she can skinny dip in private after spending the afternoon slapping down the credit card at Fred Segal, a barbecue island, whatever that is, and a cabana where she and boy beau Zac Efron can quietly comb each other's hair and paint each other's toe nails in the shade.

If anyone were to ask Your Mama, which of course no one did, we think it might have been more financially prudent for young Miss Hudgens to purchase something a bit more modest in price and size. Certainly she could have found a cute three bedroom cottage in a solid Studio City neighborhood for 1.5 million, right? Afterall, the Disney people will eventually stop making High School Musical movies and then what is young Miss Hudgens going to do to make her mortgage? Sing? Pleeze.

Previous to scooping up her own celebrity style spread, young Miss Hudgens shacked up with her parents in the 2,385 square foot North Hollywood house prop records indicate they purchased in September of 2005 for $865,000. It must be kinda surreal to have your teen aged daughter buy a house worth more than three times the value of your own house. Not bad, just strange. Right?


P.S. Thanks to one of Your Mama's children we stand corrected. Miss Hudgens is 19 going on 20 and not the 18 years old that we first thought (and reported). We used our fingers rather than our bejeweled abacus and we counted incorrectly. But whatever. She's still 19 damn years old, which is awfully young to be buying a 6 bedroom house. Imagine what it's going to be like for her roaming and rattling around in there all alone as the house creaks and groans as it settles on its caissons. It makes Your Mama lonely just to think about it.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Tony Gonzalez Lists House in Manhattan Beach

SELLER: Tony Gonzalez
LOCATION: 34th Street, Manhattan Beach, CA
PRICE: $3,999,000
SIZE: 3,465 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Huge rooftop deck that runs the length of the property. Ocean views from the interior. Big master bedroom. Giant four car garage with bonus storage room. Great kitchen, den and family room area. Lots of character. Two blocks to the sand.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Just the other day, based on a contact from someone we call Princess Sandypants, we discussed and dissected the Manhattan Beach house of professional baseball player Derek Lowe. Then yesterday, Your Mama recently received a second clandestine communique from the obviously well informed Princess Sandypants letting us know that another professional ball player had listed his Manhattan Beach house with an asking price of $3,999,000. This time the the property peddler is a professional pig skin player named Tony Gonzalez.

Not knowing a thing about professional football other than that the muscular men are usually stuffed like sausages into very thin capri pants through which you can often see their jock straps, Your Mama did not have a clue who this Tony Gonzalez person is. So early this morning, we rather unwisely dialed up our hard living and ball obsessed pal Fiona Trambeau on the Skype wires for a little 411 on Mister Gonzalez. We should have known better than to call Miss Trambeau before noon. While Miss Trambeau was, uhm, indisposed this early morning and could do little more than hurl scathing insults at us for bugging her while she was, uhm, entertaining, she did manage amid her foul-mouthed ranting and raving to get across that Mister Gonazalez plays the tight end position for the Kansas City Chiefs.

Tight end? What in the hell is a tight end? Of course Your Mama knows what a tight end is, but what kind of luridly suggestive job title is Tight End for the Kansas City Chiefs? And here we thought football was only for gentlemen of the butch and burly persuasion. A quick search of the interweb also informed us that in his position as a tight end Mister Gonzalez holds several impressive sounding NFL records for such things as most single season receptions for a tight end and most career touchdowns by a tight end. Being such a record breaker, he probably makes a lot of money, right?

Anyhoo, just as Princess Sandypants promised, property records do indeed show that the 3,465 square foot house on Manhattan Beach's 34th Street was purchased by an Anthony Gonzalez back in January of 2003 for $1,575,000. Upon seeing that number and comparing it against the property's current asking price of $3,999,000, Your Mama immediately consulted our bejeweled abacus whose well worn beads revealed that Mister Gonzalez is attempting to double down on his real estate investment after owning the 4 bedroom and 4 bathroom property for less than five years.

Ordinarily Your Mama would say this is outrageous and unrealistic, not to mention a little greedy grabby. However, the Dr. Cooter has some good lookin' and wonderfully bronzed cuzzins who did very well for themselves when they recently sold (and bought) some choice Manhattan Beach real estate. So before all you Chicken Littles start hollering and getting all in a snit about the sky falling–and if you watch CNN, it does sorta sound like the sky might be falling–remember that people with money to burn on real estate have always paid high unholy premiums to shack up a short distance to the sugar sandy beaches of southern California. And children, this house is just two itty bitty blocks to the shore.

Now then, let's have a look see at Mister Gonzalez's house. Listing information shows that in addition to the probably little used living and dining rooms, the house includes a large master bedroom, three additional family/guest bedrooms, and a large family room/den area in which Mister Gonzalez has put, yes children, a pool table. If there's anything that Your Mama loathes more than a pot rack it's a prominently placed pool table. Put it in the basement, put it in the garage, put it in its own room where you don't have to look at the ass uglee thing 24/7, but people, do not put a pool table in the damn family room. Ever. Did you hear that bachelor men? Not. Ever. We concede that putting the pool table in the family room is better than the living room, but really, that only makes the sorry situation marginally better in our snarky book. And the wet bar area? Holy cow children that thing looks to Your Mama like an unhappy marriage between a stuffy British pub and a tourist filled Mexican Margarita bar in Puerto Vallarta and it only adds to our dire need for a nerve pill and a giant pitcher of gin and tonics to wash it down.

What about the kitchen you ask? Well, it's certainly trying very hard to look dignified and distinguished, isn't it? We would have much preferred to see something a little lighter in tone, a lot less carved and not nearly as serious...this is a house at the beach after all.

On the other hand, the reedonkulously gigantic roof terrace is dee-voon. We love the long views of the shoreline, we adore that bed thing with the shade making slatted canopy, it was smart to include a built in barbecue area and the Dr. Cooter would think he'd died and gone to heaven sitting in that hot tub guzzling wine and listening to the pounding surf in the distance. The kitchen can (and in our estimation should) be replaced, but this view, children, can not.

Seriously kids, considering its plum location, awesome view, decent size and the fantabulous roof deck and despite all that fussy cabinetry and all those bile producing "chandeliers," this is not a bad house. All that crap can be fixed. And let's be honest, if someone can pay nearly four million buck for a house, they can afford a smart architect, a nice gay decorator and few hundred thousand to fix all those punishable crimes of cabinetry and interior design. Plus, there is a four car garage. Four! Anyone who has ever tried to park anywhere near the beach knows that having all that parking on your property in Manhattan Beach is worth a pretty penny or two.

Given that Mister Gonzalez was raised up in nearby Huntington Beach, it's hard to imagine he's giving up a beach house for the land locked horizons of Kansas City. But maybe he is. Then again, maybe he's just trading up to a bigger an better house at the beach. Who knows? Your Mama certainly don't, so don't any bahdee go reporting that we do. Because we don't. We only know that this house is for sale.

Now then, Your Mama has to git. We've got a full day of meetin' and greetin' ahead of us.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Billy Baldwin Lists House in Bedford Corners

SELLERS: Billy Baldwin and Chynna Phillips
LOCATION: Chestnut Ridge Road, Bedford Corners, NY
PRICE: $3,895,000
SIZE: 6,400 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Long wooded driveway leads to 19th cent grand Carriage House. Exquisitely renovated. Generously proportioned floorplan defined by extensive millwork. Both LR (w/ fpl) & formal DR offer french drs to pergols-covered stone terr, gourmet EIK w/ top of the line appl, FR, onyx-topped wet bar & brass sink, beautiful glass-encl Conservatory, Pool/pool house, 4+ acres of beautifully landscaed property w/ speciman trees, stonework, rock outcroppings.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Although MTV Movie Award winning ack-tor Billy Baldwin has reportedly lived in the sleepy and uppity bedroom community of Bedford Hills, NY since 1995, the last Your Mama heard about this real estate doings he was dropping about fourteen grand a month to lease a very pretty house on S. Spaulding Drive in Bev Hills. See children, Mister Baldwin needed a Tinseltown crib in which to live while filming his role on boob-toob spoof Dirty Sexy Money as a very married politician with a secret tranny gurlfriend expertly played by gorgeously long legged actress (and real live tranny) Candis Cayne.

Now we hear from Aerialist Dave that Mister Baldwin and his wifey Chynna Phillips–a gal whom all the children will surely recall as the skinny blond gurl from 1990s sugar saccharine pop trio Wilson Phillips–have listed their 4.36 acre estate in Bedford Corners, NY with an asking price of $3,895,000. Records and reports reveal the country living couple paid $3,350,000 for the property in February of 2005.

Listing information indicates the main house was built way back in 1890 and includes 5 bedrooms and 7 terlits. Presumably this bed to bath ratio means that every bedrooms has its own private pooper, which Your Mama always finds appealing. The central entrance hall is both large enough to receive to receive multiple dinner guests at one time and to impress the pimple faced pizza delivery boy. The generously proportioned living room includes a fireplace and at first glance what appears to be a really nice row of three french doors leading to a terrace overlooking a rolling landscape. However, a second look reveals that the doors are not set center on the wall which, unfortunately, creates a cattywompus and visually distressing situation.

The dining room with it's faux-Chippendale style table and chairs looks like the sort of place where no one ever eats except on Thanksgiving and a large green den looks like where the Baldwin family probably gathers to watch the boob-toob and play Wii. This is another room that at first glance we sort of liked. Then that heavily patterned carpeting with the rose motif came into focus and Your Mama was mor-ti-fied. That might be okay in the 10-room Park Avenue apartment owned by a lacquer haired octogenarian, but we just don't think it's a very prudent choice for a young family. It's just so darn old lady.

Clearly many thousands of dollars was spent on high grade stainless steel appliances for the large kitchen and in fact there are separate SubZero refrigerator and freezer, an excellent feature for a growing family of five. However, Your Mama just cringes and cries like a baby over this kind of caucky brown raised panel cabinetry that looks like it's trying desperately to not look like a damn kitchen. And those massive corbels with the carved grape clusters on the center island just make Your Mama wanna puke. Sorry, but they do.

We recognize that this traditional style house and large leafy property will likely appeal to a lot of people. Traditional designs often do. It is indeed a very family friendly environment where all the well educated, well employed and well dressed residents are expected to keep up their lawns and make nice-nice over cocktails with the neighbors even if they can't stand the smell of each other.

However, Your Mama does not care for the Westchester suburbs, which for the geographically challenged, sit just north of New York City. It's a personal thing. It's not that we can not or do not understand why rich people want to raise up their kids in such a bucolic and upscale environment, and it's not that we don't think the rolling landscape isn't jaw droppingly beautiful, terrifically expensive and home to loads of rich and famous folks such as domestic diva and ex-con Martha Stewart and supah-fine 5-time Oscar nominated (always a bridesmaid, never a bride) actress Glenn Close. The posh suburbs are simply not our real estate cup of tea. Unfortunately Your Mama has read entirely too many gloriously bleak and deliciously depressing John Cheever short stories to make the notion of riding a commuter train from Mt. Kisco to Grand Central Station every day seem anything but soul crushing and suicide inducing.

Once upon a time not so long ago there was a strong and solid market among Wall Street types for this kind of traditional multi-million dollar estate. With the rather tenuous financial situation continuing to scare the buhjeezis out of all the bankers in Manhattan, Your Mama has to wonder if there are so many Wall Street huzbands willing and able to cough up nearly four million clams for all these expensive to buy and costly to maintain houses in quietly swank towns that dot the hills of Westchester County.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Are Brad and Angie on the Move...Again?

According to multiple reports from around the world, Hollywood's most peripatetic pair and their half dozen multi-culti kids (along with their large retinue of security guards, nannies, tutors and assistants) have recently decamped from the Chateau Miraval, their most recent rented home in the south of France, for a schloss outside of Berlin called the Palais Parkschloss.

Most reports say the Brangelina brood's new and temporary home sits on the shores of Wannsee lake on the outskirts of Berlin and includes a large house, a private helicopter landing pad perfect for getting Miz Jolie to the local 7-11 and back in relative safety, a private dock and a staff that reportedly includes 14 body guards, personal chefs and nannies. Nothing like the simple life.

If the Palais Parkschloss sounds familiar it might because it's the same high security compound that wacky Tom Cruise fellow was reported to have leased while in Germany filming whatever Mission Impossible movie was filmed in 2004. Your Mama will not waste money watching Tom Cruise movies so we don't have any idea if that was Mission Impossible 1, 2 or 3 and frankly we do not care. Apparently action film actor Steven Seagal also once rented (and caused damage to) the Palais Parkschloss. Steven Seagal? Whoop. De. Do.

Your Mama wonders if the paparazzi hounded family will ever return to the United States where they own a compound in the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles, an tennis court estate on the bluffs of Malee-boo, a big ol' house in New Orleans and a fa-boo ocean front compound near Santa Barbara, CA. They might have a few other places, but that's all our gin soaked mind can remember this early in the morning.

Photo: from Bild

We Don't Know...

...what's going on over there with Mister Big Time, but he's obviously having himself a world of hassle and heartache with the back end coding of his always juicy celebrity real estate blog. Your Mama wishes him all the best in getting up and running again very soon.

UPDATE: Leeza Gibbons

We're a little late to the rodeo on this one having been reported ages ago by celebrity real estate writer Ann Brenoff at the L.A. Times, but since this was one of the first properties Your Mama ever discussed on our little online endeavor, we thought we'd chime in with a wee update on the house that entertainment television talking head Leeza Gibbons and her estranged huzband Stephen Meadows have been trying to sell for a damn ice age.

The couple, who apparently went splitsville several years ago, first put the house on the market in August of 2005 with an asking price of $8,750,000. No (serious) buyers turned up at that price, which is a little odd whe you consider that was back when people were still buying up high priced properties like they were playing a game of Monopoly. Your Mama first discussed the 7 bedroom and 8 bathroom two-building compound on Courtney Avenue in December of 2006 when it was foisted back on the market with a reduced asking price of $7,995,000. After just a couple short months, a tipster we called Lucy Looselips whispered in Your Mama's big ear that the house had been sold...or at least been put into escrow...with a purchase price of $7,750,000.

But alas. Unfortunately for Miz Leeza and Mister Meadows, that buyer (and we hear at least one other) did not pan out. Now, the now longer a couple couple are making another go of it...not their marriage children, but selling their white elephant of a estate which listing information indicates includes three floors and approximately 11,000 square feet of vintage Mediterranean mansion with a two story guest house/studio that was built in 2000. The estate is now priced at $7,395,000.

According to listing information, the 1+ acre property was apparently once owned by maniacal mommie and hugely talented Academy Award winning actress Joan Crawford so we're is a little soo-prised some filthy rich queen with a wickedly campy sense of humor hasn't already come along and snatched this place right up.

Audrina Patridge Heads for the Hills

BUYER: Audrina Patridge
LOCATION: Bryn Mawr Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,290,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...This new construction Spanish Villa has a spectacular view over looking the city! It has 3 bedrooms & two and a half baths, & a huge gourmet chef's kitchen. The kitchen features a separate convection oven, 6 burner gas stove, built-in microwave, wine refrigerator and side by side refrigerator, & a center island. The entertainer's patio is like a resort w/ built in BBQ, refrigerator...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in late August Your Mama floated a (not very) blind item about a best friend battling gossip glossy favorite spending some of her not very hard earned reality show money on a new house in the hills above Hollywood. As many of y'all guessed correctly, the new home owner is none other than Audrina Patridge, dark haired gurl from The Hills, not the blond one who wants to be a fashion dee-ziner, but the one who aspires to be a mo-dell and ack-turuss. Yes, well, good luck with that baby gurl...

Anyhoo, we know that many of you don't care nuthin' about those cat fighting kitties from The Hills and if we're telling the truth–and we always do–Your Mama does not either. In fact we've never even bothered to watch the damn program. However, the cast members' comings and goings have become inescapable for all us gossip glossy junkies who are forced to read about Heidi and Lauren and Audrina in between stories about real stars like Brad Pitt, Halle Berry and British singing sensation Robbie Williams...who Your Mama also hears is buying a new house. But more on that later.

It's certainly no secret that Miss Patridge bought a new house. Oh no. As is typical with the publicity seeking lasses from The Hills, she's been yakking it up with all the paps and gossip glossies about how she felt like a guest living in the, uhm, guest house of Lauren's house in West Hollywood and how she needed more space for her clothes and accessories. Isn't that nice how her pee-pole have trained her to be so diplomatic? Most reports say that former BFFs Audrina and Lauren can't stand the sight of each other, but for all Your Mama knows, the whole hate each other thing could be made up for their stoopid show. Who knows? Who cares?

According to our source Lucy Spillerguts and confirmed with property records, Miss Patridge paid $1,290,000 for her newly constructed "Spanish Villa" on Bryn Mawr Drive that includes 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, a gore-may kitchen with a window shoved up into the ceiling and more tile floors than in all of Spain itself.

What is most interesting to Your Mama about Miss Patridge's purchase is that as far as we can tell (from the listing information we saved all those weeks ago), the house was last listed at $1,199,000 which means that according to our beloved and bejeweled abacus the reality show personality paid more than the asking price for her new house with it's built-in microwave oven and resort like entertainer's patio. More! That, children, just isn't happening that much anymore.

There's really no point in discussing the rather bland and beige day-core seen in the photographs because that is clearly the work of Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota. And not some of her best work either. Your Mama hopes Miss Partridge has the good sense to hire one of her nice gay decorator friends to get up in there and work it out. The first thing Your Mama would suggest is to go out and buy some damn rugs to cover up some of that beige tile that has been laid down, seemingly, throughout the entire house. Who does that? Why? The builder couldn't have mixed it up with some nice dark floors in the living and dining rooms? Pleeze.

At least the place has some pretty nice views over looking the glittery lights of Los Angeles.

Property records also reveal that Miss Patridge's new next door neighbor is How I Met Your Mother actor Josh Radnor who paid 1.1 million clams for his house in June of 2007 for his 1926 Spanish style house with 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms.

Now then, let's move on and hope none of these other folks from The Hills bother to buy a house because Your Mama ain't got nuthin' left to say about them.

P.S. We stand corrected...this gurl's name is indeed Patridge rather that Partridge which is what Your Mama thought it was...shows you how much we know. Anyhoo...we've fixed it. The least we can do is spell the pee-pole's names correctly, right?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Here We Go Again...

SELLER: Britney Spears
LOCATION: Summit Circle, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $7,900,000
SIZE: 7,453 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exquisite gated Italian Renaissance Villa w/approx 7,500 sq ft of luxury, 6 BD, 6 ½ BA, wet bar, library, den, chic dining rm, & grand foyer. Artisan quality finishes, dramatic high ceilings, millwork, stone & mosaic tile floors, & iron accents. Chef’s kit w/Viking appliances & breakfast nook open to spacious great room. Romantic Master w/fireplace, & loggia. Manicured grounds incl. pool, spa, arbor, & lush landscape ideal for entertaining. Offered w/select furnishings, accessories, & art work.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh lawhd have mercy on our snarky souls children because it looks like that poor Britney Spears gurl is on the move. Again.

All the children remember that the ex-Mrs. Federline dumped $6,750,000 on her big house on Summit Circle in the guard gated community called The Summit on a lark back in January of 2007. That was back when the lamb was hanging out with all kinda hooligans, creating havoc and getting into all manner of stoopid shenanigans while wearing that dumb ass pink wig and flashing her baby smooth baby maker all over Tinseltown. Remember those days children? Good times. Good times. Ack!

The 6 bedroom and 6.5 bathroom house where Miz Spears has been holed up mending her mind the last few months has been for sale so many times at so many different prices since she scooped the place up furniture and all that Your Mama can't be bothered to count, so pleeze don't ask us to.

What we do know is that the Mediterranean-ish manse is freshly listed with a real estate agent from way out in Calabasas, so perhaps the rumors are true that Miz Spears wants to move out to some guard gated community in the northwestern 'burbs of Los Angeles where she'll have some room to roam far far far from the camera snapping and crazy making crowds on Robertston Boulevard.

Ugh. We're not even sure we care anymore. Do you?

All we know children is that someone better be burning a whole lotta sage up in that house to be getting rid of all that bad juju that's been floating around poor Miz Spears the last couple of years.

Derek Lowe Tosses His Manhattan Beach Manse on the Market

SELLER: Derek Lowe
LOCATION: 19th Street, Manhattan Beach, CA
PRICE: $5,700,000
SIZE: 4,260 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 2 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Stunning Mediterranean style home filled with top of the line amenities. Easy stroll to sand, strand, ocean and downtown Manhattan Beach. Master suite with own ocean view, limestone deck, large walk-in closet and bathroom with heated stone floors. Top floor offers to living areas, gourmet kitchen, vaulted wood-beam ceilings and 2 ocean view decks.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to Princess Sandypants from Manhattan Beach (that's in Southern Calee-fornya children, not New York City), Your Mama has learned that Mister Derek Lowe, formerly of the Red Sox and currently pitching balls for the L.A. Dodgers, has put his Mediterranean style Manhattan Beach house on the market with an asking price of $5,700,000.

Naturally, not knowing a thing about sports, Your Mama phoned our good friend Fiona Trambeau, a boozy and brassy babe who knows more about men who play with with balls than anyone else Your Mama knows. When we mentioned that we had a few questions about this Mister Lowe, Fiona let out a hoot and a holler loud and long enough to take the top prize at the high-larious pig calling contest at the Iowa State Fair. Yes, she did and it about busted our ear drum.

Anyhoo, Fiona told us there are three things we should know about Mister Lowe

Number One: In January of 2005 he signed an eye popping 4-year contract with the L.A. Dodgers that pays him a whopping $9,000,000 per year.

Number Two: After two years as the only so-so starting pitcher, he was demoted to the number two slot for the 2008 season. Presumably that does not affect his fat paycheck.

And Number Three: Just a few short months after arriving in Los Angeles, the very married with children Mister Lowe began a lurid affair with a gal named Carolyn Hughes, a former pageant queen who covered the Dodgers for the folks at Fox. Each eventually left their respective spouses and reportedly shacked up in sin.

But children, as inneresting and fun as it is to snicker and act all aghast about cuckolding couples, we're here to discuss the real estate and property records show that Mister Lowe scooped up this 4,260 square foot house just a half block from the Pacific Ocean in July of 2006 for $5,000,000. Listing information provided to Your Mama by Princess Sandypants reveals that the house was built in 2006 and includes four bedrooms and five bathrooms. Some of the listed five bathrooms are half bathrooms, but until we hear from Mister Lowe's terlit gurl, Your Mama can't confirm how many of those are full and how many are half bathrooms.

In addition to all the bedrooms, there house includes an open plan living and dining room and a suburban style kitchen with all the granite and stainless steel hoozy goozies that rich people want nowadays. While we don't care for the cabinetry (we don't personally care for raised panels) and the carved corbels on the breakfast bar make us feel nauseated, we do appreciate that guests have a great spot to sit and get slowly and comfortably pie-eyed while the hostess prepares cheese on Triscuit hors-davors.

We do like that the floors in the master bathroom are heated since coastal mornings can be rather chilly, but we're concerned about that the short flight of stairs which could be very dangerous for someone like the sometimes clumsy Dr. Cooter who has a tendency to need to get up several times in the middle of the night to pee-pee. One small slip in the night and he'd crack his head wide open on the stone floor and then our night's rest would be ruined having to take him to the damn emergency room.

The two features that Your Mama likes best about this house are the three car garage (parking in these ocean front communities is murder) and the location on 19th Street just a few moments stroll to the sugar soft sand. What we don't like is that the three story house does not appear to have an elevator. This might not seem like an issue for all the spor-teef types out there, but for all the fat asses like Your Mama who would love to sit on a top floor terrace looking out towards the Pacific Ocean but don't particularly want to break a sweat to get up there, an elevator is a necessity.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Scott Weiland Is Flipping Out in Sherman Oaks

SELLERS: Scott Weiland and Mary Forsberg
LOCATION: Sutton Street, Sherman Oaks, CA
PRICE: $2,250,000
SIZE: 3,399 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Spacious & bright 3 bedrooms, 3.5 baths and separate detached guest house with full bath. Chic and lavishly upgraded to perfection. Gourmet kit w/ premium S/S/ appliances. Luxurious master retreat w/ huge walk-in closet & spa like master bath with fireplace. Priv. backyard features swimmers pool, outdoor deck and large grassy area. Expansive outdoor living area w/ exceptional park-like grounds designed for entertaining.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Recently rehabbed Stone Temple Pilots/Velvet Revolver lead singer Scott Weiland and his model mate Mary Forsberg have put their Sherman Oaks house on the market with an asking price of $2,250,000. Does this mean that the notoriously volatile and reportedly bi-polar parents of two have finally decided to go splitsville, or are they just looking for a little more square footage for their over-sized and well publicized emotional outbursts?

Property records show the comely couple only purchased the Sutton Street property from the very bizzy and tiny nosed actress Lindsay Price (Lipstick Jungle, Pepper Dennis, Beverly Hills 90210) in March of 2007 for $2,100,000. This was right about the same time the Missus Weiland went all kinds of crazy and got herself picked up by the po-po for setting fire to thousands of dollars worth of Mister Weiland's wardrobe on the front lawn of their damn house. It's unclear to Your Mama whether the sartorial bonfire took place at this house on Sutton Street or, as some reports indicated, at another residence a few miles away Toluca Lake.

Perhaps it should come as no surprise that listing information for the Weiland's 3,399 square foot three bedroom house is a wee bit confusing when it comes to determining the number of bathrooms. In the summary of the property three bathrooms are listed and in the description of the house it says 3.5 bathrooms plus and additional pooper in a detached guest unit. So for the sake of argument and until we hear from the Weiland's terlit gurl, let's just say there are between 3 and 4.5 bathrooms.

The interior day-core of the Weiland residence, which include living and dining rooms as well as a large white kitchen and family room space, appear to have been all done up and did over in a Kelly Wearstler Hollywood Regency style. However, we sincerely doubt that Miz Wearstler is actually responsible for this hot mess because if she was it would be, well, better. And she certainly would have known better than to hang that too tiny crystal chandelier in a dining room aching for something large and dramatic.

As a side note, are the children loving watching that Top Design program on the boob-toob as much as Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter? We could care less what all those high-drama design queens are doing with their cubicles and bunkers, we just wanna see what kind of high-larious outfit and cockamamie coiffure Miz Wearstler is gonna show up with. If the executives at Bravo were smart, they'd get rid of all those wannabe Martha Stewarts and just film Miz Wearstler wandering around on a sound stage dressed like a damn peacock, picking at her nails and squinting at dust bunnies. Even better put her in a room with that dee-lishusly mean Nina Garcia ladee from Project Runway and see which bee-hawtcha is left standing at the end of the day. Now that would be some good damn reality television.

But we digress. Not only are both of the Weilands reported to be bi-polar, so is the exterior of this house. The front facade appears to be some sort of quasi-faux Mediterranean tract house with arched windows and some very complicated and visually perplexing iron balustrades, while the rear facade presents a more mid-century modern vibe with a simple hip roof and a large wall of windows overlooking the back yard swimming pool and the park like grounds beyond. We imagine the Weiland's gardener curses them every week while he's having to maneuver the mower around those boulders set smack in the middle of the lawn.

A few flicks of the well worn bead on our bejeweled abacus reveal that the troubled twosome are likely to lose a few shekels on this real estate transaction, partick when you consider carrying costs.

Property records show that in June of 2008 Mister Weiland forked over $1,300,000 for a much more modest house on Ethel Street in a much less expensive section Sherman Oaks.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Sorry children...

...but Your Mama has to take this weekend off. Not only are we feverish, we've got all manner of family obilgations to get through.

We'll be back at you as soon as we can.

Stay tuned.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Tina Sinatra Lists Bev Hills House

SELLER: Christina Sinatra
LOCATION: Lloydcrest Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $2,450,000
SIZE 3,024 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exceptional architectural, huge open spaces. A breathtaking lifestyle w/ effortless flow. Double LR w/ fp, media rm, separate dining area, warm & inviting kitc. opens to outdoor living/din covered loggia. Elegant mstr w/ vaulted clng, fp & skylit sitting rm/off., guest br/den w/ full ba. plus sep. gst apt. Brick flrs, expansive cyn & cty vus, lrg swimmer's pool, 2-car w/ additional carport.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to our tipster Junebug, Your Mama has learned that Frank Sinatra's youngest daughter Tina, the one whose boots were not made for walking, recently listed her long time residence on Lloydcrest Drive in the Hills of Beverly with an asking price of $2,450,000.

If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we had to do a little searching on the interweb to sort out if this Miz Sinatra has accomplished anything in her life besides being the daughter of one of America's most iconic and beloved crooners. Turns out she has. Well, sort of. As best as we can tell, in the late sixties and early seventies, the good looking gal acted in a few boob-toob programs including the made for television film Fantasy Island as well as produced a couple of films including one about (surprise!) her father and in the year 2000 she authored a book about (surprise!) her father. Nothing wrong with a little nepotism folks. If Your Mama's daddy was rich, famous (and dead), we'd prolly be figuring and finessing ways to make profit off his memory too. Afterall, someone is going to do it, so it might as well be the family.

Anyhoo, as best as we glean from the property records, Miz Sinatra purchased this house way back in April of 1968. Your Mama hasn't got a clue what she paid for the place, but given that it was 40 years ago, well, you know that it was pennies on the$2,495,000 the property is currently listed.

Listing information reveals that Miz Sinatra's hillside house measures in at a modest 3,024 square feet and includes just 2 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms (as well as a separate guest apartment). Your Mama does not mind this particular ratio of bedrooms to bathrooms as we do not like to encourage too many house guests to stay too long. However, the slim number of primary sleeping chambers will likely rule out all those Brady Bunch style family buyers and all the real estate size queens who are convinced that owning a house with less than five or six bedrooms is a punishment. Other amenities include a double living room (whatever that is) with a fireplace, a dining area, a media room and a "warm and inviting" kitchen that opens up to an outdoor living and dining terrace which despite that disturbing ceramic lemon tower tree thing on the table looks like the only part of the house Your Mama could be in without feeling like we wanted to poke out our eyeballs with a pencil.

Miz Sinatra's house is located in a neighborhood that is often referred to as the Crest Streets, a swanky and hilly 'hood located between Coldwater Canyon Drive on the west and and Loma Vista Drive on the east, is chock full of rich and famous folks like wiglicious wonder Tyra Banks who owns a home on Readcrest Drive, Microsoft billionaire Paul Allen has a gigantic estate on Beverlycrest where his next door neighbor is Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis and just around the corner from Miz Sinatra one Waynecrest Drive is the 14,595 square foot mansion of shockingly rich Ron Popeil, the Ginsu knife guru and inventor of all manner of seemingly useless items such as the GLH-9 hair in a can product, the Cap Snaffler, and the Inside the Shell Egg Scrambler.

Although the listing for Miz Sinatra's house is still marked "active" in the MLS, jaw-flapping Junebug swears all up and down that the property is in currently escrow and that Miz Sinatra will soon be packing up all her truckloads of tchotchkes and schlepping it less than a mile away as the crow flies to a newly built house on Wallace Ridge Drive where she'll be close enough to send her house gurl down the street to Courtney Cox and David Arquette's house to borrow a cup of sugar.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Thursday Afternoon Mish Mash

Not only is Your Mama is down for the count today with some strange symptoms of sick like sore eyeballs, sensitive skin, tingly innards and a mushy brain, one of our neighbors has been running a LOUD and obnoxious machine all damn morning that has us ready to slit our own (rather sore) throat. So bear with us children as we try to bring y'all a little Thursday afternoon mish mash.

On Tuesday, Your Mama discussed a perfectly loverly London townhouse that our jet-setting tipster with the distinguished Greek surname swore up and down is owned by a U.S. born former model turned boobalicious bizness woman named Caprice Bourret. At the time, Your Mama was unable to confirm with 100% certainty that the contemporary casa is in fact owned (and being sold) by the surgically enhanced Miss Boo-ray.

Thanks to clarifying communiques received from several children, we've learned that Miss Boo-ray actually invited the MTV Cribs cameras into her house which clearly shows that the house we discussed does indeed belong to Caprice Bourret.

Yesterday Your Mama discussed the hew-mongous Hamptons habitat listed for sale by former Lehman Brothers COO and president Joseph Gregory with a stunning $32,500,000 asking price. When Your Mama sat down to pen our little post we were ignorant as to the amount of money Mister and Missus Gregory paid for their Surfside Drive mansion which sits on 2.5 acres of prime ocean front property in super swanky Bridgehampton, NY. Now, thanks to a gabby gal we'll call Bridgehampton Betty, we do.

Property records provided to us by Bridgehampton Betty clearly reveal that Mister and Missus Gregory forked over $19,000,000 for the 8 bedroom and 8.5 bathroom ocean front mansion in January of 2007. Yes children, nineteen million clams.

A few flicks of the beads on our bejeweled abacus reveals that the Gregorys and their pee-pole honestly think their house has increased in value by a whopping $13,500,000 in less than two years. Pleeze.

Your Mama does not begrudge anyone a profit on their real estate investments, but this, children, is reedonkulous. Perhaps we can't blame the unemployed Mister Gregory for trying to turn a 10+ million dollar profit flipping this posh property, but seriously folks, what mo-ron would pay $32,500,000 for a house that 18 months ago sold for $19,000,000? In this market? Your Mama hates to sound like a Chicken Little, but we sorta think the salad days of short term monster-sized real estate gains are over, even in the rarefied market of the hoity toity Hamptons.

Your Mama hears from a well connected source in Beverly Hills that recently released from the clink soft porn producer Joe Francis is sniffing around the better zip codes of Los Angeles for a new house and that he's got his eye on a twenty million dollar place called La Villa Serena.

We're not sure why the filthy rich Girls Gone Wild guy would want or need a new house in LaLa Land given that he already owns a massive manse on Bel Air Place right next door to legendary Hollywood hottie Zsa Zsa Gabor. Maybe he needs a nearby place to put up a bunch of barely legal boobie baring sorority gurls gone wild?

Earlier this week we all spent considerable time poring over the fabulous floor plan for Bill and Tina Flaherty's drool worthy doo-plex penthouse at Manhattan's Rosario Candela designed 1040 Fifth Avenue that recently landed on the market with an asking price of $43,000,000.

A helpful young man we'll call Tricky Dick thought the children might enjoy a look-see at the original floor plan for the penthouse (below) that was published in Andrew Alpern's book The New York Apartment Houses of Rosario Candela and James Carpenter.

The children will note that the original floor plan included three bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms plus a full complement of staff rooms surrounding the kitchen and pantry.

Although she's yet to find anyone willing to actually buy the place, Your Mama hears from more than one well connected real estate source that our favorite Oscar nominated nut job Sharon Stone leased out the real estate white elephant on N. Beverly Drive that she bought, never moved into and has been trying to sell for nearly two damn years even though the asking price has been reduced from $12,500,000 to $10,000,000. We understand that Miz Stone is getting about thirty-five grand a month for the 5 bedroom and 6 bathroom compound, an amount which probably just about covers the bills for her, uhm, dermatologist.

Another helpful and generous reader took the time to scan and email Your Mama the original floor plan for the Samuel Goldwyn Jr. mansion (below) that recently hit the market with an asking price of $24,000,000. The floor plan was included in a book called Residential Architecture in Southern California.

Until one of Your Mama's little spies gets into the house, we won't know if the floor plan remains the same as was originally built, but the children will note that when the house was completed in 1934 the master suite encompassed and entire wing of the second floor and included a sitting room, a large dressing room, two bathrooms, city view terraces and a large sleeping porch, a dee-lishusly practical feature for dealing with the scorching heat of Southern California back in the days before air conditioning.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Joe Gregory Is Getting Out of the Hamptons

SELLER: Joseph Gregory
LOCATION: Surfside Drive, Bridgehampton, NY
PRICE: $32,500,000
SIZE: 9,500 (approx.) square feet, 8 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Views of the Atlantic Ocean and luxurious interiors are the highlights of this stunning residence. Homes like this rarely come on the market. Set on 2.5 acres this home is protected by expansive dunes in the heart of Bridgehampton. With over 200 feet of Oceanfront and pristine sandy beach this home boasts incomparable views and resort like amenities. This "Hamptons Grey" shingled home is just two years old but has the charm of cottages built a century ago...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In light of the financial markets swirling down the proverbial terlit, the U.S. government's multi-billion dollar bailouts of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and insurance giant AIG and this week's mind blowing bankruptcy filing by old school Wall Street investment bank Lehman Brothers, Your Mama thought the children might get a kick out of a look-see at the Hamptons summer home of Joseph Gregory that is on the market for a bank account busting $32,500,000. For all the children who do not watch or read the financial news, Mister Gregory is the gentleman who acted as the Chief Operating Officer, President and Managing Director for the now defunct Lehman Brothers until June 2008 when he was unceremoniously and very publicly tossed out on his green suit wearing big bonus booty.

Two years ago, back when many Wall Streeters were still telling the public that the looming sub-prime mortgage meltdown was nothing to worry about, Mister Gregory and his philanthropically minded wifey Niki scooped up this newly built ocean front house for an amount of money that Your Mama isn't able to sort out. However, given that this house is located on swanky Surfside Drive on 2.5 acres of prime Bridgehampton ocean front land and considering that Mister Gregory's 2007 compensation package was reported to have been in excess of $26,000,0000, it's probably safe to assume that he and the Missus Gregory forked over for more money for their weekend house than most of the children will see in a lifetime...or two.

After purchasing the speculatively built mansion, the couple, whose primary residence is located in Lloyd Harbor, NY, reportedly spent another couple of million clams upgradin' and decoratin' their approximately 9,500 square foot beach behemoth that includes a two story entrance hall with floor to ceiling raised paneling, a large living room with a coffered ceiling, fireplace and at least two built in televisions, several formal and casual dining areas, an all white gore-may kitchen with every appliance amenity available, a den, media room, conservatory and an entertainment salon on the second floor that opens to the large ocean view deck.

In addition to the two gigantic master suites–one done up in pukey pink the other in baby blue–which open up to the above mentioned second floor deck, there are six additional bedrooms each with a private pooper, a feature Your Mama imagines every family member and weekend guest can appreciate when it comes time to cope with the previous evening's din-din of lobster, Krug and caviar. Other interior amenities include four fireplaces, ten foot ceilings on the main floor, quarter-sawn oak plank flooring, all manner of meticulous mill work, and, natch, a high tech security system.

Outside, the spectacularly simple 50-foot gunite swimming pool and spa (on the ocean side of the house, thank you) are surrounded by velvety lawns that lead to a private path across the dunes to 200 feet of quasi-private and very swanky Bridgehampton beach front.

As for the day-core? Feh! Obviously, a butt load of Wall Street bread was spent on Scalamandré drapery fabrics, custom woven rugs and a truck load of ginger jar lamps, but it's all so damn ordinary looking and lacks personality. Besides, who can imagine strolling in to this house with sandy feet and a wet bathing suit without incurring the steely glare of Hattie the housekeeper? Not Your Mama, that's for sure.

So why are Mister and Missus Gregory selling up their ocean front getaway after millions in renovations and just two years of owning? Well, according to their real estate agent it's because the couple have spent almost no time at the house since completing it's over-haul and may have only used the house a total of 14 days since purchasing and upgrading the posh property. Fourteen days! Whaaat?

Well children, that may be true (or it may be the party line), but the real estate cynic in Your Mama doesn't think it's such a coinky-dink that this house hit the market right about the same time Mister Gregory found himself without a damn job. We're not saying anything, 'cause Your Mama don't know the sea from the sky, but we're just sayin', you know?

Your Mama imagines that with Lehman Brothers shutting up shop and letting go tens of thousands of employees, all the hoity toity Hamptons brokers are prolly bizzy as beavers fielding phone calls from investment bankers who no longer have fat paychecks to pay for their multi-million dollar summer houses. And Your Mama bets all you folks out there struggling to pay your own mortgages feel just terrible for them too, right?