Monday, July 2, 2007

The K-Fed Cribs

You are some kind of lucky children, because today Your Mama has a Kevin Federline double whammy for you. Not only will we discuss the Tarzana house he rented after he was booted (or fled, depending on who you ask) from the Malee-boo mansion he shared with tawdry tartlet Britney Spears, Your Mama got the inside scoop from our trusty cohort Lucy Spillerguts on the house where the wannabe rapper recently moved.
RENTER: Kevin Federline
LOCATION: Vanalden Avenue, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: reported to be around $7,000/month
SIZE: 6,300 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION:Featured on HGTV "Celebrity Home" (famous celebrity lived in) Tuscan style private gated estate. Many custom details & superb workmanship. Travertine, granite, Venetian plaster throughout. 5+4.5 plus large bonus room, theater/gym, office, living room, family rm, 5 fireplaces, gourmet kitchen, large closets, "lavish master suite w/ retreat. Fireplaces, steam shower & walk in closets," pool, spa & built-in BBQ, 4 car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in December of 2006, Mister Britney Spears needed a place to live. Brit Brit, the fickle former pop star who was yet to implode, was still living in their Malee-boo mansion, and she was making it tough for the wannabe rapper to get his game on with the floozies who were ringing his phone off the hook after hearing he was single and soon to be rich with a wad of dee-vorce settlement cash.

So, over the hill to Tarzana the baby daddy of four went, where he leased a newly renovated house on Vanalden Avenue. It was in front of this house in mid-February that poor Britney's screws all went loose. Gurl had had enough, and went all kinds of crazy screaming at the paparazzi and beating her umbrella on the windshield of a paparazzi-driven SUV. Then, frazzled and agitated, she jumped in her car and high-tailed it to a nearby hair salon where the poor thing shaved her head as bald as her hoo-hoo. Remember that children?

Anywhoo, the current owner of the property, a real estate agent, purchased the house in April of 2004 for just $750,000. A major renovation was completed in 2006 and the house is currently on the market at $2,589,000. An article in Star Magazine, via a blog called Team Kevin, claims the estranged huzband was paying $7,000 a month to lease the house on Vanalden, a number Your Mama can not otherwise verify.

We do not have much to say about this beige, beige, BEIGE!, run of the mill San Fernando Valley McMansion that offends every architectural sensibility we have. Lahwd children, there are some ugly houses in the world. Honestly though, it's not the exterior that is so troublesome to our eyes. It's the interior with all that oatmeal colored carpet, the oatmeal colored Travertine, and the oatmeal colored walls with the wood window trim. Your Mama does not even eat oatmeal, so we certainly do not want to live up in a 6,000 square foot bowl of the paste-like breakfast food.

Sources: Star Magazine (via Team Kevin), Socialite Life

RENTER: Kevin Federline
LOCATION: Avenida Oriente, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: More than you think he could afford to pay.
SIZE: 6,826 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This magnificent Tuscany style estate, two years new, offers luxury, comfort and breath taking views of the El Caballero Country Club golf course. Beautiful secluded location in the Monte Verde Estates.. 7 bedrooms, 8.5 baths. Gourmet kitchen with stainless Wolf/Sub-zero Appliances. Climate controlled wine cellar with glass door. Niles sound system.Six stations throughout the house.Listen to different devices in different rooms.. Golf course view in the back of the house. Exterior fire place and television, water fountain, infinity pool with waterfalls and fountains.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: While we really have no idea why Mister Kevin Federline moved from the Vanalden house, we did get the 411 from our cohort Lucy Spillerguts on where the white rapper recently moved. And it's just across town to another Tarzana McMansion. Your Mama surmises that in the lexicon of Tarzana McMansions our Mister Federline has in fact upgraded his crib. Here's why:

1. The house is larger. According to listing information, the Mediterranean style house measures in at 6,826 square feet and includes 7 bedrooms and 8.5 bathrooms. Interestingly the property records filed with the city show 10 bathrooms. Not sure why the difference. All we can say is that we hope Mister Federline is earning enough money to pay a gurl to clean all those terlits each week.

2. The neighborhood is gated. The house sits in a small, gated development that borders the El Caballeros Country Club. No guard at the gates, but at least it'll mean not having a few dozen paparazzi knocking on his door and buzzing the security every time Brit Brit gets a new weave or eats lunch at a fast food restaurant.

3. The house is more expensive. The house is currently on the market for $3,200,000, considerably more than the Vanalden house. Your Mama is unclear whether Mister Federline is leasing or purchasing this house, but from the information we have gathered from our sources, it appears to be a lease.

The house is currently owned by a real estate agent who purchased the property in May of 2004 for $2,254,000 and we Imagine that Mister Federline is paying a substantial rent to offset the mortgage for the owner. In fact, we'd bet our fat booty that he's paying even more than he was at the last house.

Your Mama heard through the grapevine that Allison "Allie-J" Joyce, the gal who is sometimes referred to as his "agent" and sometimes as his girlfriend, is also living at the Avenida Oriente house. Your Mama can not confirm this people, so it is GOSSIP and not gospel. Know the difference. Anyhoo, there seems to be some debate about whether they are coupled or if it's a bizness relationship. Who knows? Besides, only Brit Brit and her attorneys prolly care.

One does wonder how our Mister Federline can afford to lease lavish homes at high rents. Your Mama does anyway, don't you? We know he makes money for showing up at clubs in Las Vegas and Miami, but seriously folks, how often are people paying this guy to show up at a club? Because let's face it, K-Fed isn't even on the d-list with Kathy Griffin.

Your Mama hears from an often well informed source, whom we'll call Manny Motormouth, that Federline is just biding his time until the dee-vorce papers get signed. Motormouth tells Your Mama that the reports of Federline getting just $1,000,000 are simply untrue and claims that the white rapper turned town an offer of $17,500,000 and will, very quietly, get more than $20,000,000 from his none too stable and soon to be ex-wife. That is unless the fading pop star can convince Fed-Ex to give it another go. Just more gossip and rumor children, gossip and rumor.

Whatever the case, Your Mama is quite sure that Mister Federline is just waiting around, leasing houses, until the dee-vorce decree is signed and he gets his big fat settlement check, whatever amount it may be. At that point we imagine he'll contact some sweetheart of a real estate agent with a narrow waste and wide breasts who will sell him yet another Tarzana McMansion that he can do up pimp style with Britney's money.

Sources: Lust Hunt, CBC, MTV


Anonymous said...

WOW! This is the first swingset I've seen on a property here! How... pedestrian! LOL.

Seriously, what do these little rich kids do all day if they can't play in their yards?

The house is lovely - LOVE the staircase. Kitchen is nice but cabinets are too yellow.

Rich said...

The street is Avenida Oriente, not Orienta.

Hope this helps!

Anonymous said...

1st house: all that medium dark wood trim contrasts the beige interior palette giving the decor a 70's dated look despite being recently updated. Either paint the wood, or paint the walls, or both.

2nd house: the wood in the kitchen and bathroom has an ugly, aging orangy-yellow varnished look to it. Hopefully it's just bad photograpy but I don't think so. Not a fan of front and center garage doors, but I've seen worse.

Federline: While I don't care for his rap music or contrived ghetto gansta speaking voice inflections, I have to admit I hope his genes prevail over Britney's for the sake of their children.

Anonymous said...

I seriously would not want to live in any other of kevin federline's house's - it would scare the daylights out of me - the first one he lived in - he trashed that one - the new one that he is now in, lets hope he's cleaning after himself - let the nannies and cleaning ladies have the day off and lets see if he knows how to clean a house all by himeself with anyone's help