Saturday, January 12, 2008

Who's Got a Million Bucks for a Mad to Lab Rental?

PRICE: $1,000,000 (MD-LD rental)
LOCATION: Parsonage Lane, Sagaponack, NY
SIZE: 12,300 square feet (approx.), 8 bedrooms, 9 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: On Parsonage lane, newly completed 12,300+/- sq. ft. custom residence. The 4.1+/- acres overlooks expansive farm fields. Features 8 bedrooms, 9 full and 2 half baths, formal living and dining rooms, professional chef's kitchen, media room, office, and great room. Spacious covered porches, elaborate woodwork and cabinetry, and top electronics. 3,800' finished basement features gym, wine cellar, sauna, billiard room and two bedrooms. 1,700' pool house/gaming pavilion. Over sized pool with spa and all-weather tennis.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Sit down and take yourself a big fat nerve pill and a shot of something bracing because Your Mama has some real estate news that just might cause a few of you kids to faint in upset and flabbergast. See puppies, the day every real estate agent on the East End giddily awaited has finally arrived.

Earlier this week we learned from Braden Keil at the NY Post and the gurls at Newsday that the ballsy proprietor of a gargantuan and dee-luxe shingle style "cottage" in the hoity toity Hamptons recently dropped a 3-year old mansion on the summer rental market with a $1,000,000 asking price. Yes puppies, you read that correctly. That is one million fat clams to shack up in this lavish yet somewhat ordinary Hamptons estate for the 90-some days between Memorial Day and Labor Day. And it's note even on the water.

The gurls at Newsday identify the owner of the 4.1+/- acre Parsonage Lane property as a real estate agent named Andrew Saunders who was offered a million bucks to rent the property last summer, but declined because it was for sale at the time for just over $20,000,000. So that's why he imagines he might get a million dollars this year.

Another local broker, the inestimable and venerable Harold Grant, claims that he rented out a Southampton house last year for a million big ones, but the high producing agent with big name clients declined to comment further. However, other local sources told the gurls at Newsday that it was for an oceanfront house on super posh Gin Lane. So the Sagaponack house isn't setting a rental record for the Hamptons but it's still got all the real estate brokers up and down Montauk Highway whispering and gossiping about whether Mister Saunders will get a million bucks for a house that is not only not on the water, but does not even have water views.

In fact, the massive house in swanky and serene Sagaponack sits at least 1.5 miles from the sugar sand beach at the bottom of Sagg Main Street. What! For a million bucks you still gotta have the hunky gardener drive you to the damn beach? Oh hunny, no. Yes, you could pump a bi-cycle down to the sand if you were so inclined, but Your Mama thinks it's just plain suicidal to do battle on a bi-cycle with all the X5s, G55s, and 911 cabriolets that race up and down Sagg Main Street. We are cautious that way, but perhaps someone who can easily afford to throw enough caution to the wind to plunk down a million clams to lease a house for three months is both sportier and gutsier than Your Mama.

So what does a million bucks buy, or rather rent a stinking rich weekender? The main house measures about 8,500 square feet with an additional 3,800 square feet in the finished basement. Eight bedrooms and 9 full and 2 half baths should be enough space for even a large polygamist family if they're willing to double bunk the wives. The interiors have all been done up in whites and beiges and cremes, all very soothing and comfortable looking. However Your Mama would be petrified to open a bottle of red wine in this house for fear of it spilling and splashing and making the place look like a high class crime scene.

For a million damn dollars Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would want this house to come fully staffed with a gurl who does nothing but wipe the asses of our guests and a beefy young lad to stand in the driveway with a chamois to wipe every speck of dust that lands on the cars from the gravel driveway. We'd want chocolate sculptures in our bedroom each night and closet full of a never ending supply of Jo Malone and Kiehls products. We'd want a 24-hour professional chef on duty so that IF we were to awake at 3:27 am craving a chili dog and Chinese food it would be ready by the time we got downstairs in our well tanned all together.

For a million bucks Your Mama would want a former male moe-dell who does nothing but sit next to us on the beach and rub us down with oil and towel dry us after a dip in the Atlantic. Your Mama would want a gurl with a bucket of ice and a bowl of water to trail after our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly so that they never overheat as they roam the manicured grounds. We'd want a three times weekly (M, W, and F) team of house cleaners who work silently in the middle of the night so they're not underfoot and making a racket while we're trying read the classics and swill gin and tonics in peace on the covered porch overlooking the farm fields.

But alas. Your Mama guarantees that for a million dollars you still gotta drive yourself to the beach, supply your own chef, your own housekeeper, your own car washer and your own gurl to wipe your guest's butts. So forget it. We'll stay in the modest shingle style farmhouse we already own.

54 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh Mama! You just HAVE to forward this to Keith over at Housingpanic.com

Priceless!

so_chic_darling said...

According to a recent article in Newsweek Magazine there are just under ten million people with one million dollars liquid and in cash on the entire planet,that is based on not factoring in the value of peoples homes and things,just liquid deposits,legal and in a bank.So who in that pool will spend it?

Anonymous said...

White Fug.

Anonymous said...

Calling Anna Anisimova.

Rent this for $1M.

Charter her usual yacht [Queen M] for 2 weeks in the Med for $1M + Tip.

Summer Fun - Priceless.

Anonymous said...

mama i'd love to see pictures of your homes, they must be fantastic!!!

Pickles said...

one million to rent a former potato field for a few weeks,oh the magic of the Hamptons!

fairfield girl said...

Talk about a golden price tag.

Maybe he needs help with the morgage. lol

You know Farrell has a home for sale listed under a mill, why not buy it instead. You could turn around in a three years and more than double your money on it. I really dont understand the motive. Does he want to have a client list this summer? Cause I'd be looking at this guy and saying uh "no" if you want to screw me on a rental what would you do to me if I were buying a home?

And Mama we would love to see your home.
I love it when you take the blog to the Hamptons one of the big reasons why I read your blog.

Anonymous said...

Didn't Howard Stern pay a million last year for his Hamptons rental for the whole year?

lil' gay boy said...

A MILLION DAMN DOLLARS FOR A RENTAL?!?

For that much cash, I'd want to BUY the house, not rent it. A potato field more than a mile from the beach?

NO sir.

Anonymous said...

I know its a ridiculous price, but isn't everything in the Hamptons?
That aside, I am totally in love with the pool house. The lines of the carefully crafted roof are exquisite, and have not been messed up by endless botched additions in the way the main house has. The fenestration also looks to have been meddled with on the main house, in a way the pool house has escaped, to its great benefit. Things like that matter in such a flat and featureless landscape.

Inside, all is bland good taste; I can't get excited by it. The loggia could have been so lovely, but two sets of dining tables smacks of corporate, not cosy.

Flora

Anonymous said...

Wait a minute - did Mama say its newly COMPLETED? Not a renovation? Scrub the clumsy roof alterations comment above. It takes real talent to design a bad roof like that from scratch. Particularly when they made such a good job of the jolly pool house.

Flora

bentley said...

Incredible kitchen, and a stunning pool design.

Preposterous price.

Anonymous said...

Old Hag has made the papers. The headlines read "I'm Not Selling".

http://www.sj-r.com/News/stories/23465.asp

lil' gay boy said...

Way to go Flora, when I first saw that picture of the back "porch", I thought, "Is this where the motivational speakers lunch?"

As for Old Hag, Mama, can you arrange a virtual tour of this place?

;-)

MY VAGINA....!!! said...

MY VAGINA IS ON FIRE!

dana said...

If I rented this for a million smackers, you best bet I'd be sloppy drinkin' red wine all over the place!

Anonymous said...

MV 12:28, go to the doctor and get that thing treated. And stop bringing it around here. Smells up the place.

lil' gay boy said...

Dana, can you slop some of that red wine Vagina's way before Old Hag accuses her of trying to burn her out of house and home?

luke220 said...

Makes the Hilton's house a bargain at 1/3 the price.

Pickles said...

Why is your vagina on fire sweetie and what does it have to do with a million dollar potato field?I for one need details.

servant girl on the east end said...

But the Hiton's place has dog shit on the carpet and giant roaches everywhere,and the smell,vomit city!

Pickles said...

Oh shit Mama I'm watching you as I type this on VHI billionaire rags to riches rock on you look great!

lil' gay boy said...

Am I the only one wondering where that long, tree-lined driveway to the right in the aerial photo leads to?

bentley said...

Good grief. Pickles, thanks for getting to the bottom of Vagina's woes. Such an odd comment. I'm so intrigued!

LGB, that driveway leads to a trio of stunners. Family compound, perhaps?

Mama's princess (in my mind) said...

Aside from local sentiment (woah! x infinity), structure to land ratios concerns, community upheaval, et al, I dip my little French-manicured toe into the underbelly of Mama's story on this property.

From what I ascertain (public editorial, etc.), this high-quality home-town-builder (Farrell) of spec and commissioned palaces, incl. those of our "stars" is now (2007) modestly yet appealingly backed in terms of conservative cash, by big guns Carlyle Group. Which own everything from Dunkin Donuts coffee on grocers' shelves to Manhattan’s new and biggest hot properties.
The Hampton builder's work is lovely (no hesitation).
How-ev-a, this seemingly small-town activity is quietly being goosed by a mega power of a global degree. (All public record. Draw your own conclusions.)

That's the tip of it, Mama gets Meshugeh when I go on too long on this stuff.

The intrigue that surrounds this is soooo yummy.

I have a little path of reference to back up what I've stated; publically pronounced truth (vs. fiction) is a wildcard. Ir's a mucky story.

lil' gay boy said...

Princess, don't leave us hanging like this - do tell, do tell!

Evil sister? said...

You really wanna know??? (Princess=an establixhed poster's evil sister [LOL] ... and I have some stuff that's very ... how do I say ... edgy????

Linda Hoof said...

I picked up some great cream for my vagina on my last trip to Haiti,don't ask,anyway the local Voodoo master told me it was made from virgins saliva and goats milk with some kind of vine juice.It works!

lil' gay boy said...

Dad always told me the best stuff was made by blind, left-handed virgins underwater . . .

Anonymous said...

Aside from local sentiment (woah! x infinity), structure to land ratios concerns, community upheaval, et al, I dip my little French-manicured toe into the underbelly of Mama's story on this property.

From what I ascertain (public editorial, etc.), this high-quality home-town-builder (Farrell) of spec and commissioned palaces, incl. those of our "stars" is now (2007) modestly yet appealingly backed in terms of conservative cash, by big guns Carlyle Group. Which own everything from Dunkin Donuts coffee on grocers' shelves to Manhattan’s new and biggest hot properties.
The Hampton builder's work is lovely (no hesitation).
How-ev-a, this seemingly small-town activity is quietly being goosed by a mega power of a global degree. (All public record. Draw your own conclusions.)

That's the tip of it, Mama gets Meshugeh when I go on too long on this stuff.

The intrigue that surrounds this is soooo yummy.

I have a little path of reference to back up what I've stated; publically pronounced truth (vs. fiction) is a wildcard. Ir's a mucky story.

January 13, 2008 5:27 PM




huh?????
what did you say?
Speak english?????
us Childrens dont know what you are talkin about?

Anonymous said...

Please we all know who Farrell is....one of the best and who they are backed by.

Pickles said...

It's like a big golf club house near an airport somewhere in the mid west.It's that anywhere architecture and nowhere at the same time.

Pickles said...

anon. 5.27pm what are you trying to tell us because I for one don't undersand.Please don't make this place out to have intrigue,it does not!
anon 6.57 no nobody knows who Farrell is or who they're backed by so shut up.

bentley said...

A whole of nothing anon 5:27. Let's dip that toe a little deeper and actually tell us something about this nondescript pile, shall we...?

And use full words, if you please, you're not selling the house.

Anonymous said...

pickles so how do you know so much about Farrel? hmmm And as for shutting up I'll shut up when I'm good and ready too. You do not control Mama's blog so go find some one else to bully. Do you live in the hamptons? do you have a Farrell home? if you do why don't you show us some pictures? Why dont You tell us what you and Joe spoke about while he was building your home? ityrakia.

dana said...

OK, so I drank all the red wine intended for Vagina. Sorry, just don't scratch too much in public. And I'm going to comment from now on under the name 'GOD'. Not 'GAWD. God is a woman now. And if she has five acres, she wants goddam stables. Even is it's for mules. And GOD hates these fuckin well hidden refrigerators that you can't figure out how to open. That's why she drinks red wine.

Anonymous said...

I quote mama.....

We know the builder of this house, Farrell Building Company, is an excellent builder, but we did not know that the company is funded by the Carlyle Group. That's an interesting bit of information that sort of scares the bejeezus out of us...Don't know who the Carlyle Group is? Google it. Its the private equity firm where former President Bush used to be employed.

@

http://realestalker.blogspot.com/2007/05/stephen-cohens-temporary-summer-house.html

Pickles said...

I live in a van down by the river.

Anonymous said...

thats nice
lets see some pics
atns

Anonymous said...

You want pictures of the vagina or the pickle?

smiley said...

THEY PHOTOSHOPED THE TREE ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE HOUSE OUT OF THE ARIAL PICTURE.....

conspiracy!!!!

lil' gay boy said...

Very observant, Smiley; perhaps we've discovered the finally resting place of Jimmy Hoffa after all . . .

Butcharoo said...

hey lil gay boy...how is it that you have so much time to comment like 49,000 times on each posting?

lil' gay boy said...

Telecommuting, butcharoo, telecommuting.

Anonymous said...

Farrell is NOT a hometown boy (ie "local")...just a guy who got lucky cause he sold a couple of his poorly built houses to a few of the famous folk, and word got out. His construction is so-so, though has gotten better in the last couple of years.
this is a land locked house with a ridiculous price tag...YEs, i've seen it! Been in it...kind of an oceanfront price if you ask me!!

Anonymous said...

I dont think anybody said he was a home town boy. the point was he is listing a home under a mil.

Wendy said...

What?

Anonymous said...

Mama your hamptons article has struck a truly weird conversation amoung the children. some of them dont understand the discord like wendy what?

Wendy said...

I'm just lost,who are all the players here and what's going on?

TO 6;33: said...

Chill. I wasn't talking an obvious no-brainer google epsode. I know the diff between public record and facts. Many would have found this interesting. I no longer care.

lil' gay boy said...

Wendy "What"; go back and peruse some of the older posts to find out who is who and what is what.

Just don't drink any liquids while doing so; you could accidentally snarf them through your nose (painfully, I might add.)

Anonymous said...

ah - i think these comments need to be moderated....

also, initial reaction to home was that it was the one used for the movie "somethings gotta give" a couple years back. the interiors look the same, imho. BUT the home was oceanfront, this isn't.....

sandpiper said...

That, anon 1:10, if in fact true -- and I have noooo idea, would simply be the magic of editing.

Anonymous said...

definitely not the house from somethings gotta give, this house was just finished last year and that movie came out a few years ago. also, pt was not that he was listing house under a million. House was on sale market for 20 million and is for rent for 1 million, which i reiterate, is ridiculous....it's a landlocked house in the middle of old potato field...NOT OCEANFRONT!!!