Saturday, January 5, 2008

Burt Reynolds Downsizing in Florida

SELLER: Burt Reynolds
LOCATION: SE Federal Highway, Hobe Sound, FL
PRICE: $10,500,000
SIZE: 12,500 (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Extremely desirable, hard to find private three acre estate. Neighboring State Park, & directly located on Intrac. overlooking Jupiter Isl., large yacht dockage, private two bedroom guest house, billiard & cinema rooms.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay children, today we are discussing the home of a senior citizen, so Your Mama will try and be as kind and respectful as our nerve medication will allow. The Wall Street Journal is reporting that 71 year old Academy Award nominated and Emmy winning ack-tur Burt Reynolds has drastically reduced the price of his waterfront estate in Hobe Sound, Florida.

Mister Reynolds' estate, only about 15 miles north of Palm Beach was first put on the market in 2005 with a listing price of $15,000,000, which was stoopidly raised to $15,900,000 about a year ago before being chopped to $12,900,000 last summer and then slashed again to it's current asking price of $10,500,000.

According to Mister Reynolds' PR flak, who was interviewed by the gal who writes the always informative Private Properties column at The Journal, stated that the 1970s sex symbol was downsizing from the 12,500 square foot mansion because he no longer has use "for something so huge." The spokesman went on to say that Mister Reynolds intends to purchase something smaller in the area and at any rate, the WSJ article indicates, Mister Reynolds' primary residence is in Beverly Hills.

Back in 1980, when Mister Burt Reynolds was still a mustachioed piece of silver screen beefcake who sassily popped gum and posed nekkid as a hirsute jaybird in the glossy pages of Cosmopolitan, he scooped up this Hobe Sound hacienda for a mere $700,000. You read that correctly children, $700,000.

Presumably this is just one of several poorly decorated homes that Mister Reynolds shared with the seemingly ageless Miz Anderson. Your Mama happens to have a soft spot in our cold heart for Miz Anderson, who unfortunately hasn't changed her lacquered hair-do since her salad days on WKRP in Cincinnati. Burt's ex participated in a few real estate transactions of her own recently when she unloaded her disturbing mausoleum of 1980s era trad decor in Mulholland Estates and reportedly purchased a 4,300 square foot freshly built Montecito-style mini-manse in Sherman Oaks.

According to property records and listing information, Mister Reynolds' three acre spread butts up against a State Park, and the 12,500 (approx.) square foot Mediterranean style house features 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms, a billiard room, a cinema room and a 2 bedroom guest house.

Your Mama's stomach is weak today, so we're just going to sum up our two cents in as few words as possible and then we're going move on and let the children slice and dice the place. The setting is lovely (if you dig this part of Florida, which Your Mama does not) and the enormously long driveway, water side swimming pool, helipad, and dock space large enough for a big ol' yacht are all nice features in a high priced Florida getaway.

But Jeezis, Mary and Joseph the interior spaces are a hot mess and Your Mama would Cannonball Run outta that house as quickly as our little legs could carry us before our eyeballs burned up in their sockets from looking too closely at the decorating disaster that is Mister Reynolds residence. Please note the migraine inducing pink and paneled game room with the stuffed bear and also that snowball like dining room chandelier which probably hasn't been touched since Loni lived there and very well might still have a tuft of her shellacked hair clinging to it. Ugh!

Oh Burt. Your Mama is just so disappointed. We really hoped you would have gone the extra mile and used some of your deep pockets and big bank accounts to hire a nice gay decorator to update and do over your house with the restraint and style benefiting an aging film and television icon like yourself. Perhaps in your next and more modest digs you'll see fit to have someone help you edit your lifetime worth of memorabilia and shape it into a killer and coherent collection that succinctly reflects your long, long career rather than looking like piles of clutter and junk you're too lazy to take to the dump.

50 comments:

Anonymous said...

It looks Bert used the set designer from Boogie Nights to decorate this place. And who are all the people lounging around Bert's pad?

aunt mary said...

Well, at least he has books.

Anonymous said...

They have people in almost every room! Maybe the buyer is supposed to think they will have more friends if they buy the place, lol.

Sweet Cheeks Bush said...

OH Mama! I just spilled half my martini on the rug...never mind...the Cheney Girl can shampoo it later.. Condi? CONDI!.. be a dear and fix me another martini.

I just love this house. Books and knicknacks are so important to let visitors know one's social standing. What says we have more money than you better than leather bound books and trinkets from our world travels.

I love the stuffed bear. And the stuffed people! You know, we could have had a stuffed Harry Whittington but Dick was too drunk to shoot straight. Is Mr. Burt Reynolds including them in the price?

I want this house..BAD. I want to shower every morning knowing a real manly man had been neked in that same shower. Boy! It is getting hot in here.. Condi? DAMNIT CONDI WHERE IS THAT MARTINI?

Well..I'd better go. That beotch of a mother-in-law is here and probably waylaid Condi with my drink. She thinks she can keep me from drinkin' Can you imagine? In my own damn house!

sandpiper said...

Mama, you're so bad! This one's a dilly. I need to pace before further response. And, Aunt Mary, your always tasteful glass-half-full observations continue to aspire me, but unfortunately, ain't gonna happen on this particular mess of mayhem. I shall return. But for now, I need to some deep knee bends.

Anonymous said...

Mama, While I'm sure Burt would love to hear that he is being referenced as an Academy Award winning act-tur, truth be told he is an Oscar-NOMINATED, Emmy Award-winnin' thespian

lil' gay boy said...

Burn it.

Anonymous said...

I'm with lil' gay boy. Burn it. And burn it quickly.

so_chic_darling said...

Mama maybe just maybe Realestalkers TV division will be able to gain access to this wonderful mess,and I say wonderful because anything that can make you gag gasp and laugh so much must be saying something.

Ms Frivolity said...

Yes hi there this is BURT REYNOLDS calling from A M E R I C A here can you here me?Is this capize shell chandelier design world in Manilla?Do you speak English?Hello yes I can here you,is that you Mr Bobby Trendy?
No I'm B U R T R E Y N O L D S I'm a famous Hollywood movie star,any way my lady companion and I of many years purchased a fancy shell chandelier from you in the 80s and I wanted to know if you have replacement parts?
Yes Mr Bobby Trendy we have...hey what the hell who's Bobby Trendy?I'm a fucking movie star I'm big do you here me?

sandpiper said...

It's too tragic. I resolve to skip this one. That said, I offer my dismal two-cents ... Further reduce the numbers, strip the structure of human traces, and God's speed to prevent a teardown listing. Burt, sweetie, in your heyday you were off the charts hilarious. Shift to now, real estate savvy? Not so much. Does my opinion matter? Zip/zero. At any rate, best wishes on optimizing this sale.

We have a staging lady onboard. She's marginally talented (LOL) but she'll take your check and vaporize, toot sweet. Her magic would be a HUGE up-tick on your marketing nightmare. I can speak for ... errrr... a passive few, in our recon mission road trip down there to de-clutter that hot mess shrine. Uncle Eddie is gassed up and waiting at an undisclosed Cracher Barrel parking lot. Meanwhile, we're all torqued and jammied-up for the southbound stretch. Cannonball Run in the DVD. Mama hints to be fast behind in her spanking new (comp/studio) BMW SUV with film crew in tow.

Anonymous said...

What do you do with those really cool bookcases (*sigh*, one day) if you go blind from all that color?

sandpiper said...

... 6:38...
Pray we're there early for the tag sale.

Anonymous said...

no way will that bald-headed bastard get $10M for this pig. it's worth $2M tops.

Ms Frivolity said...

Oh children I do know the difference between here and hear it's just that I had been given a gift of some very fine Hawaiian pakalolo by my dear friend so chic darling,well let me tell you it was the best joint I've had in years.

aunt mary said...

Oh, Ms F. You're back! I worry so when you don't check in.

If there's going to be a road trip to Florida to help this poor man stage his house, may I suggest we all drive empty U-Hauls for the cleaning out. I'll bring chocolates and sherry for roadside breaks. And bring sweaters. It's snowing down there.

lil' gay boy said...

I stand by my early post - torch it - NOW!

Anonymous said...

i'm with lil' gay boy... you need a couple drums of gasoline and a zippo with a sturdy wick.

that'll fix this mess.

or the holy hand grenade of antioch. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holy_Hand_Grenade_of_Antioch)

i'd settle for either at this point.

big virtual hugs, sunny

lil' gay boy said...

In the name of our "queen" - what hideosity (thank you Joan Collins for your contribution to American slang!)

I'm not sure the Holy Hand Grenade Of Antioch would do the trick - perhaps Little Big Boy?

Really, no matter how underinsured this shitpile may be, for 3+ prime intracostal waterway acres I'd rather see a home for crack addicted pregnant women.

One last time I'll say - torch the motherfucker.

pch said...

The billiard room actually makes me smile -- back when I was a kid in the 1970s, the old entertainers always seemed to have a room like this, so haphazardly crammed with random memorabilia that it resembled a junk drawer. The kind of place where you saw a personalized photo of President Kennedy next to a tear sheet from Variety and one of Red Skelton's clown paintings.

There aren't many left. And this one's a mess, to be sure, but I'll bet there's some pretty cool stuff wedged in between the dodgy art.

DR.VEGAS said...

This is clearly a case of Loni going passive/aggressive on Ol' Burt.Congratulations to all the schlock miesters who got rich selling their CLOSEOUT MERCH to the then happy couple.

Anonymous said...

they describe this estate as " hard to find" which it would be if the tour boats out of Jupiter Inlet didnt point it out on every trip. this is the turnaround point in the trip people take to see the greg norman, perry como and under construction, tiger woods estates.

Anonymous said...

i was in this mess pre-staging...it was a lot worse...

Anonymous said...

think of what else you could get for $10M - or even half that!

Anonymous said...

Too busy, too clutered, too 80's, but all easy fixes for the new owner.

Mike Piazza said...

It was Cosmopolitan, not Playgirl where Burt put the goods on display. The issue of Cosmo caused such a ruckus, that folks decided to build a mag around the concept, Playgirl.

Course, women were the ostensible buyers, but it geared toward for all uw budding teenage homos in the 70s who remember it fondly.

Perhaps cause ol' Burt was the first guy i have saw nekkid in a mag, i have a soft spot for him, but I gotta say i agree with PCH, i bet there's some pretty cool stuff wedged in there.

Back then Billiard Rooms were inspired by Westerns and Shakey's Pizza commercials. This place looks to be a time capsule, where nothing has been touched for maybe 30 years, except maybe the installation of a hi def TV in the screening room and a bowflex in the gym.

Just imagine it filled, Burt smoking a stogie while a framed photo of Dinah Shore looks on, Sally Field blending margaritas, Jerry Reed playing Amos Moses on the gee-tar and Jim Neighbors saying, "well gaaaawwllly"

Good times.

Anonymous said...

anon 3:20 - I doubt they mean the location is "hard to find", they are saying it is "hard to find" a 3 acre parcel for sale in that area.

caveman said...

i like the game room, looks like a fun place to hang out...why not, its a game room. if i was the buyer, i would request that room stay intact.
i bet elvis would like it also.

Look at that dreadful chair said...

Over there,and there,and that one it's putrid!

rocky, the flying squirrel said...

No kidding, Caveman.

All this high-falutin' "design for living" chic gets just a wee bit tedious after awhile.

And like Aunt Mary says, there's books, which to my mind always give a room some soul.

Plus I could see myself being shagged on the pool table.

Dusty Apricot Blue said...

I'm with Aunt Mary I can see myself getting shagged on the pool table too.

Bobby Trendy said...

I love it,I just need some Ostrich feathers and a glue gun.

lil' gay boy said...

Ladies and gentlemen, I sincerely doubt you'd be the first to get shagged on that pool table . . . well, perhaps the humans.

caveman said...

i bet that bear could tell some stories, i'd have a videocam in that bears mouth to keep track of my blondes

that bear said...

Yes Caveman and some of the blondes were boys!

spillmyguts said...

No one, not one person, answered your query about Burt's current BH residence. Are they so full of themselves that they don't answer Mama when she asks them a question? hmmmmm.

sandpiper said...

Spillmyguts: "Full of themselves?"

Welcome! And, at the risk of being too sassy, please let me thumbnail Our Mama 101.

Our Mama's primarily focus is on real-time listings. But, Our Mama, in her wisdom, may occasionally touch on other properties by same owner, just for spice. Usually, these won't be a deep dive, unless the parcels are also on the market.

Can you imagine how crazy it would be for Our Mama to track down every ancillary detail?

If I sent Our Mama info on every detail to be had on Mr. R's BH shack, she'd realistically ignore it til and if that property lists.

This is a happy place and we're welcoming you, sib.

Caravan with us at the undisclosed southbound exit near Hilton Head. Look for the pink Toyota and all of us swilling up Aunt Mary's delicious F&B under our generator-powered tiki lights at the rest stop. We'll be there til day break, or later.

LAPD Tipster said...

Good Lord! You're putting yourselves in the hands of Staging Lady behind the wheel of that ancient toyota?? Remember to take the pear paintings. You might need to put them under the tires to get some traction on those icy roads. I'll meet you there.

lil' gay boy said...

lapd tipster - have you forgotten our dear ol' staging lady has won herself a brand-spanking-new Toyota?

Anonymous said...

Ouch. Where does one even begin? I think my favorite is the etched dolphin glass in the dining room.

Nice setting, but I'll take a bulldozer and shovel out all the fixtures for a complete and total do-over.

aunt mary said...

I beg your pardon! I've never been "shagged" on a pool table. The idea!! (however, under a pool table on a shag carpet???)

staging lady with a toyota said...

Seeing that my new pink Toyota hybrid get such good mileage I've been thinking that I should take this one on.I can stop at all the discount outlets along the way and work my magic!

CEO, Stagers to the Stars said...

Dear Staging Lady with the Toyota:

Great news! LAPD tipster is waiting on I-75 under the Welcome to Florida sign, ready to hitch up you new (gently used) pink trailer. Inside, you will find our 2008 "Special Circumstances De-Klutter ™ " kit, complete with spackle, dust masks, related products; plus 72-hour rental of fork lift and unlimited one-way hauling service to the property owner's museum in town. Compliments of me, CEO.

In approximately 72 hours, your "Special Circumstances - Decor-Delux" kit will helecopter in. Details forthcoming.

Meanwhile, enjoy the on-site food and beverage services, including 24/7 liquor station (you'll need it); ocean-view tent lodging; and related facilities.

Good luck! Congrats again on landing this monumentally horrendous project -- and fat contract (royalty for me!). Thanks too, to your somewhat quirky, but delightful friends.

LAPD Tipster said...

Dear CEO, I'm meeting you in Miami. There are too many outlet malls along the road and Staging Lady will have to stop at every one. She is still in search of the perfect Dusty Rose silk flower arrangement to hot glue to the dashboard of the Toyota.

I chartered a private jet using city funds while the mayor is campaigning for Hil. "Strapping Hunk" can come along for the ride but only if he puts out.

Oh...Somebody needs to pick up Old Hag. Word on the street is her daughter is going to court to claim she is nuttier than Britney and the White Woman combined.

CEO, Stagers to the Stars said...

Dear LAPD Tipster,

We'll be lucky to keep Staging Lady on task. She called from the Knoxville outlet. Rambling about yet another detour ... Feather World.

I'm booked at The Tides. Cancelled Motel-6 in Kissamee after the Jupiter contract's recision period expired. Rewrote my bylaws on royalty cuts, too. I'll be seeing four figures on this baby. Staging Lady won't be happy, but I've got an iron-clad clause in the contract-- "Franchisor (Me, CEO) reserves right to revise all fees and conditions without recourse by franchisee." She'll get over it.

I know Strapping Hunk is a Four Seasons guy, so let's hook up for cocktails and dinner, 8-ish? Your lobby? Look for the Pink Bentley out front.

I can't help you with Old Hag. Last time I saw her, she bit me. Tested positive for Rabies. Not pretty. Fool me twice ...

Aunt Betty and So-chic are picking up staples at a little shoppe in Buckhead. They'll join us if they can.

Til then, and again, you're a prince.

LAPD Tipster said...

CEO, I'm crashing at Ricky's. He goes nuts for a man in uniform and I love a latin that can.. uh.. ehm... it's a family forum. I'll tell you over drinks.

I sent an unmarked to troll the blvd looking for Strapping Hunk, no luck so far. I suggested they check his favorite LA hangout (Coral Sands) but even hardened police officers won't go in there.

We put a tracking device on the Toyota. She is now at the Marshall's at the Outlet Square Mall just north of Atlanta.

Too bad about Old Hag. The family might get her this time. Don't know why they want the place. Word around the precinct is the crack dealers don't even want that house.

Anonymous said...

The library is the only tolerable room, but it still needs some toning down. However, I'm seriously impressed with the books. Probably a designer put those in for him, though, maybe the one who crammed all kinds of shit in that horrendous and blinding game room. Still, it is true, the guy is old and this was decorated in a happily bygone era.

sandpiper said...

I'm gonna reserve the option to be or not be impressed with the books, as I don't see anyplace comfortable to curl up and read. Unless, there's a big red brocade recliner and antler chandalier that got cropped out. Waiting for verification from Aunt Mary and/or Staging Lady. :)

lil' gay boy said...

Strapping Hunk and Ricky made a mercy dash for the Old Hag, and haven't been heard from since.

Rabies, you say? I'd better get tested . . .

Anonymous said...

i'm a minimalist. it looks like burt's not.