Thursday, January 31, 2008

Jermaine Dupri's Buckhead "Beauty"

SELLER: Jermaine Dupri
LOCATION: Whitewater Trail, Atlanta, GA
PRICE: $1,500,000
SIZE: 5,523 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: An architectural gem nestled on a private estate lot this five bedroom five full bath, features gorgeous window-scapes. Master w/ terrace level, one full bar, two wet bars, recreational room, superb functionality and an artistic sensibility beyond compare. Open flowing plan, three fireplaces, wall to wall carpet, finished terrace, private backyard, stone tile pool, hot tub and three car garage. The exquisite estate represents Buckhead distinction.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Music mogul and Janet Jackson love muffin Jermaine Dupri has listed his Atlanta area house for $1,500,000. Located on Whitewater Trail NW in the swanky and suburban neighborhood of Buckhead, the 2.8 acre estate features a 5,523 square foot house that features 5 bedrooms and 7 terlits spread over 5 full and 2 half bathrooms. Other features include a three car garage, sauna, three bars (because it's best never to be too far from a booze cabinet), a full and finished basement, vaulted ceilings, and "an artistic sensibility beyond compare," whatever that means.

Your Mama really does not know much about the Atlanta real estate market so we haven't a clue as to whether this house is well priced or if it's typical for the Buckhead area. However, we are not much impressed with Mister Dupri's digs, and apparently neither was he because he's already moved out. It is Your Mama's humble and meaningless opinion that the paver stone front drive with it's big ol' porte-cochere looks like a damn Holiday Inn or some other middle brow motel, and do not even get us started on that tiled entrance hall with that upsetting built in planter which looks a little too much like Your Mama's dentist's office. And children, Your Mama hates the dentist office.

Moving into the low ceilinged and beige carpeted living room we see that Mister Dupree and his team of "decorators" appear to have been aiming for that special combination of funeral parlor meets tawdry VIP section of a cheap strip club. Dear Jeezis in heaven have mercy on our bitter and snarky soul, but the last time Your Mama saw flower arrangements like that we were burying our beloved Granny in rural funeral home with blood red carpet, may she rest in peace. Word of advice for all you pee-pohl who execute extreme feats of elaborate drapery swagging: Stop it! Stop it right now! Are you trying to kill Your Mama with all that disturbing and fringed fabric swaggery? Seriously folks, stop it because our delicate constitution simply can not bear it.

Out back, curved stairs with miles of pipe railing lead to a swimming pool and spa complex with heaps and piles of stacked stone walls. Here's the best part though, according to the listing for Mister Dupri's property, the terrace is "finished," a quality Your Mama imagines most people look for in terraces.

In truth, most of what's offensive to Your Mama's delicate decorating sensibilities can easily be changed by a new owner, a sledge hammer, a good architect and an even better nice gay decorator. However, we are concerned that Mister Dupri has simply moved on to perpetrate similarly distressing design crimes in whatever home to which he has moved.

Since he's clearly not living up in this crib, Mister Dupri just might be shacked up with Miss Jackson If Your Nasty at her 34th floor condominium at the Trump International Hotel & Tower in New York City. But more likely he's bedding down in the 4 bedroom he recently leased at the Time Warner Center which is basically across the street from Miz Jackson's luxury building. Do these two live in sin? Anyone know?

Property records show that Mister Dupri also owns several other Atlanta area properties including a 7,126 square foot house in Fairburn, GA, a residential building lot in Atlanta, and a 2,936 square foot house in Stockbridge, GA. It's unclear to Your Mama if Mister Dupri occupies any of these properties himself.

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

Was this the house featured on MTV's cribs? God, the horror!

Anonymous said...

Get rid of that damn potted plant. If I wanted to live in the lobby of a San Fernando Valley office park, I'd consider buying the place.

Actually, a better idea would be to burn the whole place down and start over.

lil" gay boy said...

This is the hideous product of a diseased mind . . .

Funeral home from top to bottom.

so_chic_darling said...

Oh dear.

lil" gay boy said...

I'm with Anon 10:17: torch it.

Perhaps one of those unfortunate accidental conflagrations could be arranged during a remodel?

Anonymous said...

I always thought this was the home of professional boxer Vernon Forrest.

pch said...

I'm okay with a discreet porte-cochère at a side entrance -- several good examples in Hancock Park. But as a main element of the facade, it gets seriously dicey. Swoopy mid-century houses can sometimes get away with it. But on undistinguished, overgrown tract houses, they're presumptuous and weird. Like when disproportionately grand foyers are larger than the living and dining rooms.

But what really bothers me about this house: I have a profound hatred for those darkish interlocking bricks that people seem to think classes up a driveway.

sandpiper said...

I saw it listed for $1.6. So reduced once at least? Too fugly to link more pics. TMI. LOL

Here's sample competition...relative features... save $350K. (Ignore decor & kitchen island.)

http://www.harrynorman.com/Listing/ListingDetail.aspx?Listing=27835518

Genny said...

Wow, Jermaine Dupri lived at the HoJo?

Anonymous said...

Please sign the guest book on your way out.

SigourneyBeaver said...

Oy. Those funereal floral thingamajiggies flanking the window in the viewing roo...oops, I mean living room, bug the crap out of me, along with the hooptydoo shit along the ceiling that eventually weep into the babyshit-toned drapes....

The structure isn't so bad really.
wtf is that brown-walled room with the big garbage shoot coming out of the ceiling?

Lotsa stuff a sledgehammer and paint will fix rather well. Someone needs to get a better handle on landscaping for curb appeal :)

Anonymous said...

I'm confused, Mama--why did you even post this listing?? Just for laughs I'm guessing? It's truly so pitiful I can't even believe it. Needless to say, the whole thing is horrible, but the two worst things have to be those swags over the windows and the floral arrangements!!! OMG, what were they thinking?

lucy said...

Sigh. Buckhead used to be THE THING in Atlanta, too.

Hippie Canyon said...

Oh PCH, you're thoughts are quite similar to mine on this one. I agree the porte-cochere is a nice feature on the right house, but otherwise... it looks like the formal entrance to a Ramada Inn. Just like this one. Speaking of inter-locking brick drives, it reminds of the late 80s, early 90s when too many people were paying huge sums to have faux cobblestone installed - the worst of which would be in a jet black finish. And, I shit you not, one house I have the misfortune of recalling had embedded into the jet black faux cobblestone... wait for it... a gold mosaic rectangle of "shalom," right in front of her turquoise Southwest design gates. Well folks, it looks like the same D-signer hit the Atlanta area years later. What a truly Fucked-up mess this be! There's only remedy that comes to mind: invest a few thousand dollars in a professional arson, and just walk away.

pch said...

I think I have the name for my new band, Hippie Canyon: Rectangle of Shalom

Hippie Canyon said...

LOL!!! Feel free to record at my house when they finish the studio - the one I've planned for 10 years now.

Anonymous said...

I thought janet owned a condo on 17th & 7th in the building that has Williams sonoma in it. Then I heard she moved in with jermaine to the time warner bldg a little while ago.

lil' gay boy said...

Sigourneybeaver:

"Oy. Those funereal floral thingamajiggies flanking the window in the viewing roo...oops, I mean living room . . . "

I laughed so hard I thought I'd have to call Old Hag for one of her "pills."

Priceless!

lil' gay boy said...

Hippie, PCH:

Can Aunt Mary, So_Chic and I be your backup singers?

We can work out a Supremes act behind you with opera-length gloves . . .

;-)

Alessandra said...

The window "treatments" cause me to pray for death.

Oh, and unless you're going to have a conservatory where you're growing exquisite and exotic plants, get rid of the hideous fucking indoor planter.

That is all.

pch said...

LGB, I've always thought an alt rock band could use Supremes-style back-up :)

Alessandra, I think "that is all" should be your catchphrase...like Fez had "good day" on That 70s Show.

And in the interest of not wigging everyone out about tangents, this'll be my last comment on this thread...

Alessandra said...

Not to get you in trouble, pch, but I have to laugh about "that is all", only because my business partner has called me out for saying "end of story" as a catchphrase. Apparently, I like to sound definite. ;)

This house? Still sucks.

lil' gay boy said...

End of story.

(C'mon, somebody had to say it!)

SigourneyBeaver said...

Beaver thanks you, LGB :)

What's the deal with the dizzying roof pattern on the embalming.....oops...carriage house?

lil' gay boy said...

Sigourneybeaver,

It's a modified hip roof; my guess is that the change in pitch was due to a drainage problem.

Either that, or to make room for Husdon's EverLife embalming fluid.

Lugg said...

Dont' like it.

Anonymous said...

Oh I used to love Buckhead! We would to jet down to Atlanta every other weekend from Portland just to party party party. Great nightlife for 20 year olds, I've since outgrown. Elton John has a place in Buckhead. And mega-billionaire Anne Cox Chambers has a place on West Paces Ferry Road. I'd say that this is a fair price, despite it's obvious drawbacks.... but I wouldn't leave San Diego for it.

Beth said...

I live in Atlanta. That is a really ugly house for Atlanta, especially Buckhead. The horror! There are some truly spectacular homes in Buckhead (all around, but especially Buckhead) but this is horrendous.

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