Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren Make House

BUYERS: Jessica Alba and Cash Warren
LOCATION: N. Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills (Post Office)
PRICE: $4,050,000 (sale)
SIZE: 4,686 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Breathtaking Italian Villa in the BHPO adj. to Franklin Cyn. Park. 4 bds, 4 baths (en suite) + two 1/2 bas. Romantic master w/ fp that leads to an amazing outdoor terrace + his/hers custom closets, large cooks' kitchen w/ Viking Professional range. Expansive, charming veranda w/ outdoor dining area. Beautiful faux finishes, arched doorways, imported Italian tiles & sinks, surround sound, landscaped yard w/ pool, spa, waterfall. Newer system. Every room opens to the outside.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Now that she's got a baby in her belly, an engagement rock on her finger and new digs in the Beverly Hills Post Office, Your Mama sincerely hopes that Jessica Alba will stop swanning around town hiding her face, scowling, and generally looking like a Sally Sourpuss all the time. No offense gurl, 'cause Your Mama does not know shit about you, the movies you make, our why you rank on the Hollywood A-list, but one day your damn face is going to freeze like that and your career is going to be sorry. We know the paps can be annoying, but seriously gurl, if you want to keep being famous, and you know you do, Your Mama recommends a publicity lesson from ol' Paris Hilton. Everyone seems to love her and she doesn't even do anything worth liking except smile and make nice-nice with the paps who eat her up like candy.

Anyhoo
, for quite some time Your Mama has been reading on the blogs and in the gossip glossies that Miss Alba and her boy-bitch baby daddy-to-be Cash Warren have been house hunting. According to a recent blurb in US Magazine, the unmarried with-childs have finally bitten the bullet. The blurb in US gave Your Mama just enough information that with an assist from Our Fairy Godmother in Bev Hills, we were able to locate the new Alba/Warren family nest.

Listing information for the property shows an asking price of $4,195,000 and one of Your Mama's better sources whispered in our big ear that Miss Alba and Mister Warren closed on the property in mid-January for $4,050,000. Who knew Miss Alba had so much damn money? For what? Looking good in her bee-kee-nee? What has she done that has made her so much money? Seriously? All that money from a surfing movie? Did she save every penny she earned from Dark Angel?

Listing information for the "Italian Villa," which sits on a tiny off-shoot of N. Beverly Drive and not on N. Beverly Drive, measures in at a relatively modest 4,686 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 4 full and 2 half bathrooms. Your Mama likes the bedroom to bathroom ratio and it is certainly gracious to offer your over night house guests private poopers. But six terlits means the twice weekly cleaning gurl is going to need an assistant whose sole responsibility will be scrubbing terlits. Something for Miss Alba to keep in mind as she works her budget and hires her household staff.

Now children, please keep in mind that the furniture and decor are not that of Miss Alba and Mister Warren, but rather the sellers of the home, who are not in the fame game. So really, let's not blather on and on about how you've never seen a sofa like that in Tuscany or about how Italians don't pave their gardens with Saltillo tiles.

Here's what we like about this house: According to the listing, every room on the main floor opens to the outdoors. Now that, children, makes for some dee-lishus California living. The house is completely surrounded by Saltillo tile terraces tucked into the hillside, surrounding the heated swimming pool and over looking the scrubby hillside on the other side of N. Beverly Drive. There's a gorgeous outdoor covered dining area perfect for balmy evenings spent sipping stiff gin and tonics and playing Scrabble, and the resort style swimming pool is wonderfully private and lovely enough to look at.

Here's what we don't like: The kitchen. Yes, we do appreciate the monster island perfect for rolling out tortillas, and maybe it's just a bad photo, but that tile floor makes Your Mama's head swim like the morning after a long night out with booze hounds and boy magnets Fiona Trambeau and Falsetta Knockers.

We have heard from a gentleman who will remain nameless, that the soon to be parents have yet to move into the house. So don't any of you nimrods hop in your Daiwoos and Hyundais and drive up N. Beverly Drive hoping to catch a glimpse of Miss Angry Eyes. And we don't recommend it after Miss Alba moves in either. Even under the best of circumstances this gurl does not like to be bothered by the paps or her fans, and now she is carrying that Warren baby and her are hormones prolly raging, she just might come running out of the house frowning for everything she's worth and screaming like a banshee to give you a beat down. And you know what? You'd deserve it. Leave the ladee alone if she wants to be left alone. There are plenty of other attention desiring no talent "actresses" in LA who are more than happy to flash their hoo-has and be chased by the paps.

Now then, let's all take bets on how long before paparazzi hating Miss Alba lobbies her neighbors to have the street gated.

30 comments:

look at that dreadful chair said...

Must I?

so_chic_darling said...

It looks like a "nice" hotel in Mexico.

caveman said...

i can dig it, not too big, could be comfortable...but i'll wait until pch, sand & lgb help me form my real opinion.

thanks for the tip mama, i'll save my stalking on this broad until after she drops the kid & hits the gym to get that sweet ass back in shape.

daytimedrama said...

who knew she had so much money?

I don't think I have ever seen one movie with her in it.

I think for MY 4mil I'd want something a bit better, but that's mostly because I'm spoiled out there in Malibu.

Alessandra said...

For`what it is, it is not horrible. I've seen far worse. The master bath is lovely.

My questions would be "how big is the lot?" and "what year was it built?" ?" Guessing under 20,000 sq. ft. on the lot and built after 1995.

Anonymous said...

'I think for MY 4mil I'd want something a bit better, but that's mostly because I'm spoiled out there in Malibu.'

huh? for $4M you wouldn't get anything that much better landside malibu & for $4M you wouldn't get anything on the beach.

Babe Parish said...

Me no likey the giant Chiclets tile floor either! When I was lookin at the photos and got to the kitchen it was like Grandmaaster Flash pullin the needle off the record...sCrAtCh!ugh. The pool is nice, but that tile is gonna BAKE in the summer! ~sssss~

pch said...

Nail on head, So Chic. Nothing particularly great about this place, but nothing particularly awful. Generally uninteresting. Caveman's right that it has comfortable hangout potential.

Alessandra, not a bad guess. According to Zillow, 20,730-square-foot lot. Big for this stretch of Beverly Drive. House built in '75, but definitely remodeled/expanded.

And thanks, Babe, now I'm gonna have "White Lines" in my head all day. The money gets divided, the women get excited, now I'm broke and it's no joke, it's hard as hell to fight it, don't buy it.

staging lady with a toyota said...

Mama I was not the one who left this mess,but they should have called me.They wouldn't of had to drop the price after I worked my magic!

Anonymous said...

What is the address?

Bigdaddyj said...

I think her money comes from those Fantastic Four movies she was in...not the kinda flicks anybody who frequents this board probably pays any attention to, but if Entourage is to be believed (lol), those superhero movies and their sequels pay the big bucks....

pch said...

And don't forget about personal appearance fees...

Anonymous said...

^

She's hardly Paris Hilton. I can't ever recall seeing Jessica Alba hosting a nite in Vegas!

Hippie Canyon said...

The kitchen floors like like they came from that close-out store on Sepulveda I walked into last week, not what I would expect in 2007 and in 90210. I would start with new tile work from Walker Zanger or maybe Country Floors (?), add some antique wood plank floors, oh and rebuild the horrible, and undersized, metal-box "fireplace," replacing that with a real masonry fireplace... then ring Staging Lady and have her come over for some real fun.

Hippie Canyon said...

make that "... look like..."

lil" gay boy said...

You can tell this is a family home, not a "backdrop to the stars", by the premium placed on comfort over style. And I absolutely LOVE that drum table next to the mega-sofa. I also like the dining room, with the exception of the chandelier; it's as bad as the one in the kitchen.

Mama, I swear that kitchen floor is right off the set of THX 1138; seeing that first thing in the morning would make me lose my smoked salmon. And those chairs must go; they look like they'd snag any fabric but burlap, which I most certainly am NOT wearing in the AM.

The entryway is nice, even if the double doors are at an odd angle, but the pool area, lush as it is, just doesn't seem to mesh with the rest of the landscaping (this is the part that screams Puerto Vallarta to me).

Love the hexagonal and subway tile in the bath but not feeling the vanity; too motel-ish. Don't much care for the bedroom fireplace, but even a bad one is far better than none at all; but those swags over the French doors must go.

Would love to know the size and general topography of the lot - it's hard to tell if it drops off steeply or it's just the camera angle.

pch said...

It's not a dramatic drop-off, LGB...sits just above a trio of houses that front Beverly Drive...but the topography gets very steep behind the house. The lot is a little under a half-acre, and much of it looks to be usable.

lalala said...

Italian villa? Italians have a better sense of proportions, you'd never see such low ceilings in Italy, I'm getting claustrophobic just by looking at those pics, Bad taste Jessica

Babe Parish said...

J'Alba's Dough::: Not to get all Ari Gold on everybody, but I think Jess managed to buy the house from moola she earned from her lead roles in 1)Sin City~ which is currently in pre-production on the sequel, 2)Good Luck Chuck, with Dane Cook!, 3)Awake~ w/Hayden Christensen, and 4)The Eye~ which is out right now. Also, I think doing three Susan Storm (Fantastic Four) roles since 2005 hasn't hurt her bank account either!

Who wants to "Hug It Out, Bitch?!"
:P

Anonymous said...

Don't care much for the house and even less for ms. Alba. I think she is sooooo overrated. She is cute, but NOT the "most beautiful" as her PR people keep pushing. Her PR peeps are great, though -- they keep her splashed all over the media and have hyped her so much that she is getting rated as more beautiful that truly exceptional women like Nicole Kidman, Salma Hyak, Charlize Theron etc. What a sham!!

caveman said...

eff marry kill.
eff alba & hyak, marry theron & kill kidman, she gives me the heebie-jeebies.
hey, you started it.

lil' gay boy said...

Caveman, have away at Alba and Hayek for now if you must; marry Charlize (if you get a good pre-nup), but let's save Nicole for now shall we? Think of the things she could tell us about that psycho Tom once her non-disclosure agreement expires . . .

Bigdaddyj said...

You mean Tom's creepy Scientolo-friends didn't use their special mind-blanking ray on Nicole before they let her out of the marriage?!? LOL

Alessandra said...

pch...thanks for the additional info. It's all about the lot-size and the location of said lot for me. I'll take a crappy house on an acre in BHPO over a jewel box on a 1/4 acre any day. One can always rebuild, if necessary.

pch said...

Alba is so hot I watched Honey all the way through. She can scowl all she likes as far as I'm concerned. Fortunately, Theron and Hayek tend to choose better pictures. Kidman is a great actress (To Die For, Birthday Girl, The Others, etc.), but something seemed to happen a few years back that just killed the sex appeal.

De nada, Alessandra. I definitely see your point. But I'm a sucker for pre-war houses -- outstanding 1920s and 1930s architecture is almost always gonna trump lot size for me.

Aquaman said...

is it just me, or are do the ceilings seem way low.

in both the living room and the kitchen, the tv's are almost squashed up to it (the ceiling).

the kitchen floor might be alright if there was a dramatic and cool contrasting color scheme happening around it, instead of all that tepid grey brown shiz

Anonymous said...

http://tours.tourfactory.com/tours/tour.asp?t=373501&home=http://realestate.classifieds.yahoo.com&slink=-2

Anonymous said...

This house is absolutely horrible. Only the bathroom is decent. Surprised anyone would buy it. Time to gut everything except the bathroom.

a.ro said...

Looks more El Torito-lite to me. And more fascinating that she would chose that aesthetic since she is such a self-hater. Buena suerte pendeja.

Kara Kamari said...

All of you are just haters.... Jessica is a wonderful actress and its pathetic that people hate on her. Its her house. Not yours. Im happy for her