Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Damien Wayans' Mullet House In the Hollywood Hills

SELLER: Damien Wayans
LOCATION: Caverna Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,050,000
SIZE: 3,617 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exquisite newly renovated 5 bed, 4.5 bath in LAs hottest location. Mediterranean style villa with beautiful views from every room. Stainless steel appliances, new roof, granite counter tops, Venetian plaster throughout, high ceilings, beautiful stained espresso wood floors, and the only pool and Jacuzzi in the area!! An entertainers dream due to open spaces, loads of natural light, and impeccable accents throughout. Must see to believe.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We are prolly going to get lambasted and hung up by our toenails for saying this out loud, but Your Mama thinks of the the Wayans family as the black version of the Baldwin brothers...or maybe the Baldwin brothers are the white version of the Wayans family? Whatever the case, there are so many Wayans' that are rich and successful celebrities that Your Mama can hardly keep them all straight in our befuddled mind.

Damien Wayans, the owner of this Hollywood Hills house, is the nephew of a whole slew of Wayans' including Dwayne, Keenen Ivory, Kim, Marlon, and Shawn. Our mister Damien Wayans, who seems to prefer to keep his age and birth date a bit of a secret, is a jack of all Hollywood trades having wrote and directed several episodes of uncle Damon's show My Wife and Kids, as well as appearing in several films and television programs including House M.D., Little Man, and Malibu's Most Wanted with funny man Jamie Kennedy.

Children, this is one of those awful mullet houses: short and all bizness in the front and tall and party-like in the back. Drive up to this house and it appears to be a modest quasi Mediterranean style one story residence. Step through the door and you realize it's three–count them, one, two, three–long flights of stairs down to the damn swimming pool through this house that clings to the side of the mountain like it knows an earthquake is on its way.

Since Your Mama has never actually been inside this house, we can not tell you very accurately how the place is laid out, but suffice to say that there are rooms spread up and down three levels of living space, and that does not even count the pool deck which is on an additional fourth level all of it's own. Lawhd children, this house was clearly built for one of those all too common and too tan Los Angeles exercise nuts who thinks it's cute and useful to work the glutes while climbing stairs to get from one room to the next. Please. Your Mama does not need to get our heart rate up just because we are in the living room watching the deliciously disturbing Wife Swap and get a hankering for hunk of cheese located in the kitchen that is one flight up. Or down.

The public rooms are certainly adequate and even a wee bit dramatic with the dark floors, high ceilings and difficult to clean windows. The kitchen appears to have been recently renovated in a somewhat upscale but ordinary fashion. Nothing to complain about, but nothing to write about either.

The swimming pool and spa are indeed a lovely feature that, as the listing notes, are rare in this part of the hills. Your Mama would prefer the house and pool deck face the other direction with a view towards the ocean and the modest downtown Los Angeles skyline, but we imagine it might still be relaxing to sit poolside while Esmerelda the Miracle Worker performs one of her intensely fulfilling Mani-Pedis while we gaze out over the San Fernando Valley sipping a very stiff gin and tonic (lots of lime, please).

Now let's move on to the bathroom, the most significant and upsetting issue we note in the photographs. Children, we're just going to say it because we know you are already thinking it... this beige tiled bathroom looks like it belongs in some filthy and tawdry gay bathhouse in Kansas City. Your Mama does not mean to infer or even suggest anything about Mister Wayans sexual preference, 'cause we don't know anything about it. We are just saying that this wet room would make a coupla greased up and closeted married men traveling on bizness beside themselves with glee.

Property records reveal that Mister Damien Wayans purchased this property in August of 2005 for $1,350,000 which means that after he deducts the renovation costs and real estate fees he just might pocket a few hundred thousand clams for his troubles.

Your Mama hears from someone who would know that this house was recently toured at by boy band bad boy Nick Carter. Is five bedrooms enough to house his half dozen unruly and hostile siblings? If that horror show House of Carters is any evidence, Your Mama thinks not.

Anyhoo, a little birdie tells us that Mister Damien Wayans is selling off his Valley view house because he's picking up, packing up and heading to New York City. We have not been able to confirm that with any of this people, so please children, don't repeat that like you heard it on Entertainment Tonight.

P.S. Children, it is DAMIEN. Damien Dante Wayans to be exact. There is, of course, a Damon, who is DAMIEN's cuzzin. I know it's confusing, but just google his damn name.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's "Damen", Mama. Z'okay. You are allowed to make a mistake :)

smiley said...

um, its actually Damon

:)

Anonymous said...

This house. Ugh. The room above the living or family room with the wrought iron. I don't get it.

I think it is actually Damon Wayans.

smiley said...

oh snap.. it IS Damien

wow

:)

Hippie Canyon said...

Now that is an investment! I could get the $2M back within the first year from filming amateur porn in that shower... Naturally I would cut Sister Mary Cheney, HoneyIceTea, So Chic Darling, Joan and Tallulah in on the action! And maybe Caveman could "swing" by for a cameo? I can see the hole, er uh - whole thing now. We could call our website cockeyed.com! What do you think?

SOUL POLE said...

MAMA...it's DAMON.The Wayans family is probably the first family of comedy-whether acting or writing.The Baldwin brothers are funny...in a tragic and unintentional way.That mullet house thing is uniquely Cali.The byproduct of having to be grateful for any crappy sliver of land you can get.Style-wise they're not much to look at...but the VIEWS are usually spectacular.In my younger days-when I was but a HIMBO fresh off the bus from Miami-some movie director chick and I did a floor by floor "HOUSE WARMING" of her mulletopia right down to the hot tub/pool @ the bottom with fabulous views of most of the LA Basin.

caveman said...

gotta love the mullet & i'm on board, hippie canyon porn producer, just tell me where to point this thing & stand back cuz its got a hair trigger.

Aunt Mary said...

What can I say? It has the ambience of a maximum security prison. Hate it. But love the Wayans. "In Living Color" had the most hilarious skits and charactors. "Wanda" was my favorite although a creation of Jamie Fox.

Anonymous said...

Mama,

There are two Damon Wayans in the family. Father and son.

Damien's uncle is the famous Damon from "In Living Color" and "My Wife And Kids". His son Damon Jr. is a working actor/write but not as well known as his father.

Anonymous said...

Hated it!!!!!

Layler said...

Mama, thank you for educating us non-West Coasters about the Mullet House. Very interesting design, but a clever way to maximize the sliver of space on a cliff one gets for the lot.

I like the house okay. The bathroom is horrendous. How could you not slip and crack your head open on all that tile???

The pool area is lovely, but such a shame there is barely enough room for a lounge chair or two beside it. No big barbecues taking place there.

Sister Mary Cheny said...

my husband Heather Poe has wanted to appear in a retro/nostalgic re-enactment of a number of Colt films, but the dream has always been to remake Kansas City Trucking Company!!

or work with the young Paul Barressi.

if you need to contact me regarding this, call the white house and use the code "michael christopher" when Lynn answers.

Anonymous said...

the stove, THE STOVE!, is cheap and ugly. Where's the wolf? The viking? How can you have a celebrity home w/o the range?

Anonymous said...

wtf with the TINY little sink on the island in the kitchen????????

Anonymous said...

wtf with the TINY little sink on the island in the kitchen????????

sugarhoneyicetea said...

I'm happy that the Wayans have found a way to spread the wealth around such a huge family. This place is ok. I do agree the bathroom is terrible and I hate the idea of a house with three floors. The kitchen needs upgraded appliances--Viking range, subzero at this price range. And Hippie add me on as a producer. Does that mean I can finally get my SAG card?

Anonymous said...

I hate wrought iron. I don't find anything attractive in it at all.

I don't have enough blood pressure medicine to get up all those damned stairs. I'll pass on this mess.

Anonymous said...

i saw the house... its not bad inside. if you like that style.. just lots of stairs. House did look packed up. Yours truly.. the hottest 818 broker in town

caveman said...

no, this is his brother darryls house or maybe its his other brother darrel?

Hippie Canyon said...

Love to all... I'll have my people call yours and we'll plan to start lensing after escrow closes. SugarHoneyIceTea, I think we can get your SAG card. I'll detour one of the SAG extras so he won't be able to show up and get you a voucher! Oh, and kudos are in order for Caveman from whom I'll steal the name of our first production: "Hair Trigger." That's all for now, I've got to get back to working up the draft, as we folks in the biz say.

DianaSaidIt said...

That shit is ugly. I'll give him 12.5 dolla

Anonymous said...

the baldwins are a train wreck. don;t insult the wayans by comparing the two families.

Anonymous said...

The view from the pool is lovely but, when you turn around, you're facing 4 stories of ugly stucco box. Yuck. I hate the wrought iron and the different sized arched windows. And yes, the shower does look like a porn director's dream. Clearly designed with groups in mind, the split level shower room would be enticing to givers and/or takers. Just line 'em up and yell, "Action." Still room for the cameras, too.

Anonymous said...

For your information he is not selling the property. Please edit that part. Thank you.