Saturday, September 29, 2007

Cuttino Mobley Dribbles, Shoots, and Breaks Even

SELLER: Cuttino Mobley
LOCATION: Clear View Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $3,995,000
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: No expense spared. Master bedroom with large walk-in closets and mountain views. Master bathroom with spa tub and steam shower with imported Italian stone. Patio off upstairs landing. State-of-the-art gourmet country kitchen with top-of-the-line appliances. French doors lead to a grassy backyard with pool and spa. Hardwood floors throughout. 4-Zone A/C. 2 car garage. Refrigerated wine cellar.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We hear from Little Jack Horner, one of our little tipsters, that another sports figure Your Mama has never heard of is selling his Beverly Hills residence. And don't you know, but our sports expert pal Fiona Trambeau is once again indisposed after a long night of Jaegermeister and the company of men young enough to be her damn children. Which means Your Mama is left to sort out who this Cuttino Mobley person is all on our own.

Turns out this Cuttino "The Cat" Mobley plays for the Los Angeles Clippers, which Your Mama understands is a professional basketball team. Due to Your Mamas limited interest in sports, particularly the big three of baseball, basketball and football, we were only able to spend a short time researching Mister Cuttino before we thought our little head would explode. As best as we could determine, Mister Mobley came to the Clippers in 2005 (from where we don't know, and frankly, don't care), is 32 years old, six foot four inches tall, 210+- pounds, and has a son, also with the unusual name of Cuttino.

Not long after moving to Los Angeles, property records indicate Mister Mobley purchased this newly built 5 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom house high in the Hills of Beverly for $3,650,000 Given that the house is currently on the market for $3,995,000, it would appear that Mister Mobley will pocket very little after real estate fees and closing costs are paid. What do the children think, did Mister Mobley over pay for the house at the tippy top of the white hot luxury real estate market in 2005, or is the house priced aggressively for a quick sale?

Mister Mobley's quasi Mediterranean / quasi Tuscan style house has been wedged into the hillside with a gargantuan retaining wall nearly encircling the house. Out the front are lovely views of the hills across Benedict Canyon.

There is nothing in the living room that Your Mama would recommend keeping, but the dining room is getting there, style wise. We can't see the dining room table legs, so we don't know what to expect there, but the padded chairs have a sophisticated 1940s feel to them that we appreciate. The curtains have a nice sheen and the painting, while too small to carry that wall on its own, is a good start towards dressing the room up. However, the room looks curiously unfinished and, despite the set table, like it's never seen food. Your Mama just goes ballistic over formal dining rooms in which the table has been set with all sorts of glitzy tableware for a dinner party that is not going to be happening. Note to people who do this: Unless there are actual people coming to dinner, please do not set the dining room table. It just makes the house look like a furniture showroom, and nobody wants to live in a furniture showroom, do they?

While done up in a more traditional and exuberantly beige fashion than Your Mama would prefer, the good sized kitchen does have a nice selection of high grade appliances, including two dishwashers and a trash compacter. However, Your Mama has nightmares over balloon valances like the one hung over the sink, and we do not even know how to mentally digest that curly-cued stool/chair thing that has been pulled up to the breakfast counter.

Up to the master bedroom and we are sad to say that we find an interior decorating crime scene. Seriously children, Your Mama does not even know where one would buy a bedroom set like we see up in this house. Does anyone know? We are quite certain that four poster bed cost Mister Mobley and arm and a damn leg, but it just screams faux Versace and whispers, "please make me into firewood."

Out into the backyard, which is really at the side of the house, we have a petite swimming pool and a spa large enough to host Mister Cuttino and a few ladies who like big and tall basketball players. The small yard is quick and easy maintenance for landscapers and the view from the patio is really quite lovely. We might encourage the next homeowner to attach a pergola to the side of the house and add an outdoor fireplace which would provide a really great outdoor living space.

Mister Cuttino, we have no doubt you are a master of the basketball court, and as such we certainly would not expect you to be a master at decorating your house. But one of the beauties of making the big bucks that professional basketball players make is the financial wherewithal to hire a nice gay decorator. And don't worry a minute about being your decorator's sexual fantasy. Trust Your Mama when we tell you that most nice gay decorators are far more interested in the green in your wallet than the junk in your trunk. So with your next house, please give Your Mama a shout so we can give you the names and numbers of a few good gay men to work their magic on your new home.

Your Mama really has no idea why Mister Cuttino is selling this house. Is he trading up? Trading down? Is he himself being traded? Whatever the case, we wish him luck in getting close to his asking price so that he doesn't actually lose any money on this real estate transaction.

22 comments:

Aunt Mary said...

Mama, thank you for the very dishy posts. You've been typing your little fingers to the bone and we sure do appreciate the fun and treats you bring us.

I like this house. The open living room, foyer, and dining room with those gracefully arched doorways is pretty. The ceilings are nice too. I think a decorator has been here but maybe not so nice and not so gay. I like the outdoor space, but wonder why you would not put more windows in that side of the house. The outside of the house seems windowless and yet the inside looks well lit. I don't know California geography, but do those hills say "wildfires"?

nice gay decorator said...

I like a little chocolate if you know what I mean!
Show me that junk in the trunk baby.

Stephanie said...

That is one ugly house...especially the outside :(

Anonymous said...

Is tipster Little Jack Horner related to the sleaze Agent Jan Horn. Con Artist of Beverly Hills?

Anonymous said...

The 6 foot steep slope driveway sucks, and what's claimed to be a 'mountain view' is actually a big dirt hill in the backyard obstructing the view. He'll be lucky to get $4 mil for it. I think he paid too much.

Anonymous said...

be nice children!

Linda Hoof said...

Nice is for pussies!

Your Mama said...

Your Mama does prefers not to get into the middle of the comments, but to clarify something for the Jan Horn hater...our tipster Little Jack Horner is certainly not Jan Horn, not is our Mister Horner even a real estate agent. So whatever your beef with Mister Horn may be, it's got nothing to do with Mister Mobley or this house.

so_chic_darling said...

Once again a wonderful story.I love how you can turn a rather ordinary house into such a dishy fun filled romp!
Looks like Mr mobley should be on the look out for mud slides in this location.

so_chic_darling said...

Who is Jan Horn and why would he be hated?Maybe he was the one who finished off Louella?

Aunt Mary said...

So_chic_darling, the mudslides come after the wildfires, which were gratefully extinguished by the torrential rains, which soaked the hillsides, etc., etc. That's not even looking below the surface for god knows what geological horrors lurk. I read a very interesting book by John McPhee, Assembling California. Scaaarreee! I'm not knocking California, so don't get all riled up. http://www.johnmcphee.com/assembling.htm

Anonymous said...

I had never heard of Jan Horn and now I'm dying to know. Not because I believe a word of what the anon is saying but Jan must be someone pretty damn special to have his own personal internet troll!

Does anyone have any idea? anon has mentioned him in comments about properties on both coasts.

Anonymous said...

Jan Horn is a litte jimmy cricket midget Agent in BH, CA on the snake oil side far as Agents go. Word has it/ he would sell out his mother for a commission.

lucy said...

I thought the same thing about mudslides. Scary, scary.

But I still like this house...I think it's got good bones.

willy said...

Cuttino is cuteino!

Anonymous said...

Apparently Jan Horn is more than "a little jimmy cricket midget" or the anon wouldn't be posting about him so much.

Anonymous said...

Very bland. Also, I don't want to be under a dirt hill for this asking price.

Welcome To California. Now Go Home said...

Wildfires, mudslides, seedy agents, Britney & Paris. And have you heard? We have EARTHQUAKES too! HUGE ones. Whatever you do DON'T MOVE TO LOS ANGELES.

SOUL POLE said...

MAMA:

Would it hurt to read a sports website every now and then? Start with ESPN.Since many ball players have salaries that meet & exceed other celebs' paychex...it would ENHANCE your ability to diss...err dish I mean.Love 'ya anyway.
House is nice enough interior wise.I think he wisely bounced while he could claim at least a scratch on the sale price.EVERYBODY overpays to live in L.A.

smiley said...

ozzy house pictures

michael said...

I wonder if being held up at gun point and getting 100's of thousands of dollars stolen in jewls had anything to do with it...

Anonymous said...

Hope his reaction time is faster on the court... The robbery took place almost 3 years ago (and according to his Wiki page, at a Bel Air house).