Friday, December 28, 2007

UPDATE: Ricky Martin's Flip

A kind and benevolent Floridian recently sent Your Mama a small cache of photographs of the Golden Beach, FL house that Puerto Rican pop phenom Ricky Martin has on the market for an astonishing $22,500,000.

If they put on their thinking caps, the children will recall that Your Mama first discussed the 9,882 square foot Ocean Boulevard property in early December when the ocean front property first hit the market. Property records reveal that the chisel chested cantante scooped up the 5 bedroom and 7 bathroom Mediterranean style house in April of 2007 for $16,250,000, and according to a source who claims to have been up in his casa, the estate is undergoing "mild renovations." These tweaks and fixes clearly include having a nice gay decorator get up in there to stage the place with clean lined moe-derne furniture that includes a creamy colored velvet sofa, a trio of shiny silk pillows, a cute little Saarinan side table and some West Elm-ish chairs in the kitchen with its lovely brick barrel vaulted ceiling.

Obviously there is no "life" in this staged decor, but as far as staging goes, it's far and above what Your Mama sees much of the time. At least there isn't a damn chenille lap blanket tossed across an ottoman, or even worse, a tawdry little tableau on the coffee table of an open book and reading glasses that make a house look post-apocalyptic and deeply sad to Your Mama. Clearly this is not the upsetting handiwork of Staging Girl in a Toyota–no offense gurl, and congrats on your new pink Toyota, but this is all a bit more restrained than your work.

Now puppies, if any of you screaming teenage gurls or horny homosexuals think you are going to parade up and down the soft sands of Golden Beach thinking you might catch a glimpse of Mister Martin's bikini clad bubble booty frolicking by the ocean side swimming pool, yer wrong. And yer stoopid too. Not only would that make you creepy, no one, and Your Mama means no-bodee-at-all, actually thinks Mister Martin shacks up in this house. It appears that the savvy real estate investor simply plans to flip the property and pocket a few million bucks for his troubles.

As for his whereabouts, well children, Your Mama has not heard from Mister Martin in a stone age and we can only assume he's camped out in one of his many other residences which include a Miami Beach mansion on N. Bay Road, a sophisticated pied a terre at the super chic 40 Bond in Manhattan, and a big house in Dorado in his native Puerto Rico.


Anonymous said...

Thanks Mama. I really needed these crisp and well-appointed images, especially after that frightening beach "situation." Love it.

Anonymous said...

No, we certainly can't blame our very own stager with the Toyota (I assume it's a politically-correct hybrid Prius) for the sterile appearance of these oddly cold rooms; staging lady would NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER, karate-chop the pillows the way this criminal has.

Sorry, Mama, but the staging doesn't look tastefully restrained, just lonely and sad . . .

But it's quite obvious that the entrepreneurial Miss Ricky ("of course I love pussy") Martin has never graced this pricey abode with his presence.

There's never been so much as a crumb in that kitchen nor a hard, sweaty body ornamenting the extravagant oceanfront pool.

Shame, really, when you think of the number of mega-wealthy gay men out there who would gladly plunk down more than $22M just for a whiff of Miss Ricky's cologne.

Anonymous said...

Oh Mama, our stager is going to be so pumped by your attention, she'll be unbearable to live with. Her head will be so big we'll have to grease the door jambs! I'm not sure but I think she was driving a 1993 Corolla before she won the new car. She had just rolled over 300,000 miles and going strong.
This house is so beautiful. I love every untouched-by-human-hands surface. What is that kitchen ceiling? And the kitchen walls? How does Ricky Martin make such big bucks? Is his singing career that hot?

Anonymous said...

Way to go Ricky!