Friday, December 21, 2007

John Goodman, From Rehab to Home

BUYER: John Goodman
LOCATION: Via de la Paz, Pacific Palisades, CA
PRICE: $4,699,000 (list)
SIZE: 5,250 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: East Hamptons style, artfully designed 3-story new constructions, 5,000+ sf, 5 bd/5.5 ba, great room w/ soaring 16 foot ceiling, chef's kitchen w/ Viking appls. LR w/ coffered ceiling. FDR, master suite w/ custom brkfst bar, bath w/ steam shower. 4 bedrm suites upstairs, 5th suite down w/ pvt entrance. 3rd story media room. Restoration glass skylight illuminates 2nd floor picture gallery. Backyrd w/ Italian wd burning pizza oven.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in the late 1980s and well into the 1990s, Mister John Goodman played the lovable and HUGE daddy on the sitcom juggernaut that was Roseanne. Then the show went to shit (sorry Roseanne hunny, but it did, and you know it), Roseanne the TV character won the lottery, became a spoiled bitch and then poof! Dan Conner was booted from that shitty little house in Lanford and the Emmy and Golden Globe winning actor was out on the street hustling for gigs.

In the subsequent years, Mister Goodman parlayed his tremendous fame into a very bizzy career with a dizzying list of television and film credits. Like so many actors looking to make heaps of money without actually appearing in front of the camera, he's recently voiced characters in big budget cartoon flicks like Cars, Monsters, Inc., Bee Movie and the upcoming Bunyan and Babe.

In September/October of 2007, the famously fat funnyman did a somewhat secret stint at Promises, the very same uber luxe rehab resort in Malee-boo where rich and famous galore flock to be treated for addiction issues. Promises lays claims to many celebrity successes, but it is also the very same fancy facility Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan unsuccessfully attempted to get sober. Your Mama sincerely hopes that Mister Goodman's sobriety sticks better than it did for either of these two fading stars.

Anyhoo, Your Mama hears from a very reliable source that Mister Goodman has recently purchased a new and newly built home in Pacific Palisades that was listed for $4,699,000. We've not yet been able to ascertain a purchase price for the home, but we're quite certain that our good buddy Mister Big Time will be able to ferret that number out before too long. Located just spitting distance from the Gelson's Supermarket, where all the fruit is so shiny sunglasses are required while shopping, listing information for the quasi East Coast style house indicates Goodman's new digs measure approx. 5,250 square feet and includes 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. The master bedroom includes a "custom brkfst bar," a slightly unusual but handy feature for those mornings when you simply can't face Svetlana the house cleaner, the hard ass Swedish nanny, or your own children before you've had a big cup of java to fortify your nerves.

Additionally, there is a media room tucked up under the eaves on the 3rd floor which sounds interesting, but seriously we hope there's a kitchenette up there because who wants to be humping and climbing up and down all those damn stairs in search of more ginger ale, Bourbon and popcorn in the middle of that wonderful television freak show that is The Housewives of Orange County?

We are a mite surprised that the builder of the property did not squeeze an itty bitty swimming pool into the smallish back yard, because if Your Mama has said it once, we've said it a thousand times, we would not dream of forking over in excess of $4,000,000 for a house that did not have a heated cee-ment pond. We know some of you are not "pool people," and good for you. But, frankly, for that kind of money Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter not only want a pool, but a good looking and barely dressed pool boy to live in the basement included in the purchase.

Clearly the house has been staged to within an inch of it's life, but as staging goes, this isn't the worst sort of fake decor offenses. Rather than look like a Home Despot interior design showroom the decors screams "Restoration Hardware couture," a description our pal Kenny Kissentell so cleverly coined.

Back in the 1990s, Mister Goodman lived in the Louise Avenue house in Encino that now belongs to troubled, dee-vorcing, and "He's Big in Germany" actor/singer/boozing beast David Hasselhoff. Although some reports say Mister Goodman later owned a house on the 600 block of Amalfi Drive in Pacific Palisades, but Your Mama suspects that is actually a different John Goodman because some of the particulars of the personal information in the records simply don't match up with personal information for our ack-tor subject.

However, what we have ascertained is that at some point Mister Goodman actually moved to New Orleans and purchased a 4,900 square house on Coliseum Street in the Garden District from Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor, whose recent real estate doings Your Mama discussed yesterday. Property records reveal that Mister Goodman paid $1,800,000 for the 4 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom house that features a swimming pool and a two car garage.

Your Mama hasn't a clue whether Mister Goodman is relocating back to Los Angeles or if he's simply securing an outpost for when he's in town for professional obligations. Whatever the case Your Mama wishes Mister Goodman a happy home and a lifetime of sobriety.


Anonymous said...

Good morning, sweet Mama. I'm gonna spill the beans and tell you that we chilruns are chipping in to get you a ScooterChair with side baskets for the girls to ride in. Do you want needlepoint cushions or white patent leather? There's a big fight going on.

What a pretty house! Traditional and modest in size. And no, I don't think the staging lady with the Toyota was here (bless her bedraggled and exhausted heart). All that white would give me a headache and having me bitchin' about every grubby finger smudge and I don't want to spend my remaining days grouching about housekeeping. You know Svetlana wouldn't care and would be pouring white talcum powder on stuff instead of cleaning it. And let's face it. You can have a clean house or you can have beasts. But you can't have both. I love me my fuzz therapists.

There is a dee-vine book by Cheryl Mendelson, Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House. She's a Harvard law grad with a secret passion for the home fires. She grew up with grandmothers whose religion was housekeeping and her book is a must for all homes. I just sent it to my daughter. (Yes, Aunt Mary does have fruit of her loins).

Anonymous said...

I'm back home and safe, thanks to a lovely, brawny construction worker; seems I somehow found myself down on lower Varick at a demolition site where I'm told I tried to take a dump in the bucket of a backhoe - oh, well!

Said hunky construction worker fished Big Gay Decorator's business card out of my wallet (oh, that tickles!) and kindly called our car service to deposit me back at 740 Park, where Big Gay Decorator is making a pitch to redecorate a powder room there. Apparently the budget is so high he was going to suggest they just paper it with $100 bills but I don't think that will go over too well with the stodgy old blue bloods there.

So now I'm back home with a nice cup of hot cocoa catching up on Mama's blog.

Don't do drugs, children - you could wind up with a blandly staged $4M house with no pool!

Or taking a dump in Soho.

Anonymous said...

Looks like it comes from a 1990 edition of those house plan magazines they sell at supermarkets. But people in the Palisades love anything vaguely New not a bad choice for a spec in the Village.

Anonymous said...

the upside, grill, brick pizza oven on patio & big tv
the downside, 4.7mil & no pool or potrack, so gonna have to pass.

it actually looks like my cave.

Anonymous said...

I dont know... If I were going to live on the east coast I would want an east cost home If I were on the west coast I dont't think I would pick this. It's beautiful but not right for the area.

The West coast home said: hey dude what ya gonna do t'day lets's surf!

The East coasthome said: we are scheduald for appromixatly three point two days of fun with activities at the club in the evning, and on Sunday we will go beg for permit to have a clam bake

East coast: we are scheduald for appromixatly three point two days of fun with activities at the club in the evning, and on Sunday we will go beg for permit to have a clam bake


Anonymous said...

oops sorry about the half double post my cupter is getting nothing for Christmas because it has been bad : (

Anonymous said...

beautiful home!

Anonymous said...

I guess it's ok...kinda ugly for PacSade though...

Anonymous said...

Love this house. It's airy and bright. I really like the clean lines of the rear elevation.

Anonymous said...

Big Gay Decorator, what the sam hill is going on over there at 740 Park? Orange terlits???? Are you going to make our mama hafta to git up out of her chair and traipse all the way over there to knock heads? Now you git that mess taken care of and remember that what happens at 740 Park stays at 740 Park! Rohypnol indeed! And make that boy some camomile tea!

Anonymous said...

What a scary picture of Vlad the Embezzler ($40B off shore stash) on Time mag cover. Next he'll be shopping for digs on UES.

Anonymous said...

John actually did own 619 Via de La Paz....can't imagine why he would leave there and go to this address....but so be it.

Here's a complete listing of addresses he's had over the years:

1513 Sorrento Dr Pacific Palisades, CA 90272
2810 Telemark Dr Park City, UT 84060
2840 Telemark Dr Park City, UT 84060
324 Bronwood Ave Los Angeles, CA 90049
619 Almalfi Pacific Palisades, CA 90272
203 Carondelet St 811 Ste New Orleans, LA 70130
3 Garden Ln New Orleans, LA 70124
5180 Louise Ave Encino, CA 91316
6308 Vita Dr Saint Louis, MO 63123

Though different birthdates may appear, that is all the way of hiding from people like us!!!

Anonymous said...

I don't mind the house, but for over $4 million I want a pool and a big tacky one at that!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Aunt Mmaaaarrrryyyy?! I believe I added my choice for Mama's scooter seat: You didn't mention my idea to use the cut-velvet leopard print from that pillow I stole in London 20 years ago. Its right up Mama's alley to recycle things like this, and it would coordinate nicely with the Memory Blanket Caveman and I had made for her birthday. And don't tell me there's nobody here who hasn't the upholstery skills to take if from oversized pillow to oversized scooter seat cushion. I mean, come on. I'm sure none of us want Mama's Xmas-Channukah present to look as boring and white bread as El Heffer's house in the Palisades!

PS Happy Holidays to everyone!!! XOX + peace

Your Mama said...

Hi Mister Rich,

We don't know about all those addresses or where you came up with them, but we do know that you have not included Mister Goodman's current New Orleans home, which we're certain was merely an oversight.

As regards to the house on Amalfi, it was not the birth dates that confused us, it was the presence of a different middle initial AND a wife's name that is not and was never married to our celebrity Goodman.

So it's still sort of a mystery to us.

Anonymous said...

Aunt Mary,

Your taste is impeccable. I'll go with whatever you decide. Oh, and good news ... jeweler just confirmed overnight delivery on the diamond studded basket for Sugar.

Anonymous said...

Spitting Distance... How vivid..

Anonymous said...

"when you simply can't face Svetlana the house cleaner"

Damn that's funny. U da Bomb, Mama, u da Bomb!!!

Anonymous said...

Reporting in - I'm all recovered from my Rohypnol debacle and Big Gay Decorator is oh so contrite - he's promised me a diamond-studded something in my Christmas stocking . . .

Gotta love that man!

Anonymous said...

As we reflect on the holiday season, and the priceless blessings that have added a spark to our days, let us pause and join together in gratitude for the gems so richly bestowed upon us by Our Mama.

A moment of silent reverence for the pearls of enlightment on pot racks.

"The children will note the pot rack...and of course all the children know by know that a pot racks drive Your Mama to the booze cabinet -- AND THIS -- We sincerely hope Miz Heigl will consider removing that horrible pot rack in the kitchen or Your Mama will worry ourself into an ulcer that the tall beauty will bruise her head on those pots and pans. Or worse yet, knock herself out with pasta boiling over on the stove and no beau-hunk in the house to rush her the smelling salts. [And] hunny please, be sure to take that nasty pot rack down and spare Your Mama the worry-- AND THIS -- We happen to know there is a large and nasty pot rack above the commercial grade range in the kitchen, and who doesn't know by now how Your Mama feels about a pot rack? -- AND THIS -- We also note the dreaded pot rack. Pot racks are another of those kitchen implements that we encourage all sensible people refuse when their fancy kitchen designer recommends one. … AND THIS ….Children, these things do not look cozy and charming, they look messy. AND they are lethal when swinging around during earthquakes-- AND THIS -- Also, we're a little concerned about that lonely wok hanging on the pot rack. Perhaps the stagers could come back and either add a few more cooking vessels? Or better yet, just remove the pot rack altogether? Can anyone explain the pot rack phenomena? -- AND THIS -- We don't get it. The Dr. Cooter and Your Mama may have obscenely expensive cookery, but we much prefer to hide our pots and pans from the casual kitchen visitor-- AND THIS -- Ugh. And then there's that damn pot rack in the kitchen, which just chaps Your Mama’s hide. Children, you must learn to resist any and all temptations to hang pot racks in your homes. Please. Just say no! -- AND THIS -- And the pot rack upsets us considerably. … AND THIS ….And that horrible pot rack loaded with enough copper cooking ware (and garlic) to kill someone if the damn thing came crashing down-- AND THIS -- We'd rip that pot rack down lickety split. We just don't like those things. We don't care how much you paid for your copper cookery, we think pots and pans belong behind closed doors unless they're being used -- AND THIS -- Phew! Oh Lawhd children, Your Mama has done exhausted ourselves … so we do not have the appropriate energy to properly discuss … the pot rack in the kitchen… which [has] us just about ready to pull our eyes from their sockets-- AND THIS -- Your Mama can only hope that Miss Nicky has the good sense to remove that silly pot rack before one of Sister Paris' hair pieces get caught up in there resulting in a hair disaster of the highest magnitude."

Happy Holidays to Our Mama!
Happy Holidays to all!
Sandpiper xxoo

Anonymous said...

Oooo, did I tell you? When the car service dropped me off at 740 Park, the doorman looked at me as if I were something Fifi pinched out on the sidewalk; that is until I told him I was with Big Gay Decorator; he escorted me right up after that.

Right up into a pristine, never-be-gutted wonder, with an enfilade of formal spaces which Mama would have died for.

I went looking for my man and wandered into the kitchen, where, lo and behold, A DAMN POT RACK!!!

Oh, my nerves . . .

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

lil' gay boy

Anonymous said...

$4+ million with a big garage door on the front - yuck. It looks like a suburban tract house.

Anonymous said...

Mama how right you are about the Restoration Hardware line,but I did have to stick to the sale items.

so_chic_darling said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Washington Mutual (finally) under SEC investigation for its role in inflated and bogus home appraisals

Anonymous said...

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Washington Mutual said on Thursday it is cooperating with a U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission inquiry into the handling and reporting of mortgage loans that may have been based on inflated home appraisals.

The SEC is also looking into whether the company, one of the largest U.S. mortgage lenders, properly accounted for its loans in financial disclosures to investors, according to the Journal, which cited people familiar with the situation.

Anonymous said...

Perfect close to supermarket retirement home.