Monday, January 29, 2007

Hello, Dolly!

SELLER: Dolly I. Lenz
LOCATION: Water Mill (Southampton), NY
PRICE: $5,995,000
SIZE: 1.5 acres, 6,500 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Located in the Water Mill estate section close to ocean beaches. This fabulous 6,500 sq. ft. plus home boasts voluminous ceilings in the great room and sun room which is off the huge eat-in kitchen, library, formal dining. The home also boasts 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms, finished basement with recreation room and gym. 2-car attached garage, 2 car detached garage with studio apartment above. heated gunite pool and all-weather tennis court. Beautifully landscaped 1.6 just minutes from Southampton and Water Mill villages.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Anyone who knows anything about New York City real estate will recognize the name of the homeowner of this property. But for all the children who don't recognize Ms. Lenz's name, let Your Mama educate you: Dolly I. Lenz is quite possibly the most successful real estate agent that ever walked the earth and is unquestionably New York City's premier agent.

Simmer down now Michael Shvo. Lawhd hunny, Your Mama can hear you shrieking through the internet wires. You many have been her protege, and you may have clawed your way to the top the the New York City real estate heap in just a few short years, but you're just going to have to wait for the queen to retire before you can wear her crown.

Ms. Lenz, a Bronx native and former accountant, has built her own real estate empire within the Prudential Douglas Elliman company. In addition to working with scores of nameless and faceless rich folks, Ms. Lenz has brokered deals for some of New York's most prominent celebrities such as Bruce Willis, Barbra Streisand and Kinray CEO Stewart Rahr, to whom she sold Burnt Point, a $45,000,000 weekend home in 2005. Your Mama is breathless calculating the commission for that one and we know that number has all the children reaching for their calculators too.

On a side note, it is said Mr. Rahr was partially persuaded to purchase Burnt Point, because he was unsuccessful in deterring the horny Hamptons homos from cruising the dunes at dusk out back of his previous ocean front property in an uber-posh section of East Hampton. Rather than continue waging that losing bitch fight/slap fest, he decided to move on to what was then the most expensive house ever purchased in the Hamptons.

The real estate powerhouse that is Dolly Lenz not only sells co-ops and condos in Manhattan, she also gets scores of listings in the Hamptons and Palm Beach. And children, her Palm beach listings include the Mr. Donald Trump's $125,000,000 terrifically gauche flip property. The Douglas Elliman website shows Ms. Lenz currently has listings in various other far flung locales including the Heath House in London, an ocean front crash pad in Malee-boo, a terraced penthouse in Boston, and a castle in Fife, England.

Constantly working two or three blackberries, carrying a $6,000 Hermes Birkin bag, and ferrying clients around in a chauffeured luxury sedan, this black suited, high heeled super-agent never stops working. According to a report in Haute Living, she even took calls while in labor with her children. What? Hunny, Your Mama hopes your clients appreciate that level of dedication and are thankful you are willing to tie yourself into a pretzel in order to get their deals done.

Anyhoo, we are familiar with the location of this home because, as it turns out, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have leased several of our automobiles just up the road about half a mile and we often take our bitches Linda and Beverly for a sandy stroll along the beaches in this area.

The house sits South of the Highway at the end of a quiet cul-de-sac just North of Fordune, the one-time 44-acre estate of Henry Ford that has been divided up into large estate sized parcels with extremely large houses. There are several beaches that are biking distance including the wide stretch at the end of Flying Point Road, and even closer is the very gay friendly Fowler's Beach.

Ms. Lenz's home appears quite modest in the photos, however, the property is a fairly typical South of the Highway property and includes a heated swimming pool and tennis court for the spor-teef minded. Although the home has more than a half dozen bedrooms, the detached two car garage includes a one bedroom apartment upstairs. Your Mama loves this because it's always nice to have a place for the maid or less favored guests to stay.

Your Mama only has the deepest of respect for Ms. Lenz and her real estate acumen, but after looking at the photographs above, you know we do have to take issue with her interior decoration. Gurl, you make a lot of money and you have got this house cluttered up like and looking like any old tract house in rural Minneapolis. We are suggesting with your next weekend getaway in the Hamptons you hire yourself a nice gay decorator to help you pull it all together in a style more befitting of the real estate royalty you are. If you need the names and numbers of a few interior propping poofters, you just let Your Mama know and we'll messenger a list right over.

Of course, with a husband, two teenage children, and 75 plus listings, who knows how this woman finds the time to get her hair cut and colored, let alone interview and hire a decorator. As busy as she is, it's practically a miracle she has any furniture at all. Hunny, give Your Mama a call and we can help you work out those little details while you keep the wheeling and dealing going at the dizzying pace we have all come to expect from you.

Sources: Prudential Douglas Elliman, Haute Living, The Real Deal, Luxury Real Estate


Unknown said...

The Water Mill the hamlet is named for is aprox 1/10 mile away. Water Mill is the correct name as per local government and the United States Postal Service. Its ZIP code is 11976. sportsbook Water Mill is considering incorporating as a village following the unsuccessful attempt by Dunehampton, New York to incorporate. Dunehampton's incorporation would have cut Water Mill off from the Atlantic Ocean beaches. Sagaponack, New York incorporated because of this.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.