Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Reggie Bush's Hollywood Hills Hideaway

BUYER: Reggie Bush
LOCATION: Viewsite Terrace, Hollywood Hills, LA
PRICE: $5,000,000 (approx.)
SIZE: 4,800 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: STRIKING DESIGNER VERTICAL ESTATE WITH 320 DEGREE PANORAMIC VIEWS! Breathtaking Penthouse master suite opens to an expansive Sky-deck for that "King of the World" feel. Private His & Her baths with all amenities is coupled with mahogany dressing room/closet. The Great Room welcomes with its floating glass Library Loft, cool Bar, silver padded D/R and platinum kitchen outfitted with Viking & Sub-Zero appliances. This city refuge could easily be a chic hotel with its State-of-the-art Theater, serene Asian guest suite, Home Beauty Spa and a hip Playroom sporting 3 TVs. Paneled elevator serves the tri-level seemless in/out door spaces where city to ocean views and beyond are always close by. Yacht-inspired ironwood party decks with a stone pool & spa, BBQ & bar plus a dining gazebo all focus on the jetliner views. Designed by Angie Thornbury & built by Gordon Gibson. Once in a Lifetime Opportunity!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We'll start with the Mister Bush who, of course, Your Mama knows nothing about as we're not much into the sports. According to the Hot Properties column in the LA Times, this man plays football for the New Orleans Saints. We have no idea why this man would need such a large and expensive home in Los Angeles, but we assume this USC alum calls Los Angeles home during the off season. We called Fiona Trambeau, who y'all know as our San Francisco informant about all things sports related. But all she wanted to discuss was Mister Bush's heiny and in fact was so graphic and vulgar about it all Your Mama had to hang up the phone on her.

Anyhoo children, this one is a terrible doozy and to be honest, there is just so much upsetting with this listing and property that it just makes Your Mama confused and sick. First off we're going to apologize for that round photograph up there. We took this from the listing agent's website. We have no doubt Mr. Sheldon is a stellar agent at Coldwell Banker. However, we do not approve of "creative" photo shapes.

The second problem we have with the listing information for this property is the headline used on the listing: "Hood Ornament of the Hollywood Hills!" Does Your Mama need any additional comment on that for all the children out there to know that is just plain wrong?

We hate to be tossing so much shade in the die-rection of this Mr. Sheldon, but we have another issue with his property description we would like to point out. What is the story with all that ubiquitous punctuation and capitalization? We considered going in there and removing all that crap, but it was just too much effort so we left it for you babies to be worn out by too.

We know Mr. Sheldon is hardly the only perpetrator of this sort of willy-nilly capitalization in the real estate bizness. So this goes out to all you real estate people who capitalize everything like everything is some sort of proper noun: don't do it. It just makes you look like you're yelling at everybody.

The house was purchased and given a total face lift by a woman named Angie Thornbury. This lady apparently has a nice bizness where she buys, fixes up, and sell on properties in the Los Angeles area at a great profit. Your Mama did a little searching and googling for this woman and this is what we came up with: She appeared on an episode of the HGTV show Designer's Challenge, and she started a design firm call Imagination! No babies, Your Mama did not add the exclamation point. Like her real estate agent, Ms. Thornbury also seems to enjoy shouting at people with extraneous punctuation.

We did some additional searching and kept coming up with dead ends. Your Mama just got tired of looking for this lady so we quit. We figured if she can't be bothered to make herself accessible on the internet, she probably does not want anyone to know who she is and what she does.

Lawhd babies, we're exhausted and we haven't even discussed the house yet. Your Mama has no major beef with the kitchen and living room areas. They're a little "W" hotel for our taste, which we feel is a style that's been played out. But that does not mean it does not sell for big bucks as no doubt Ms. Thornbury's pocketbook can tell you. We understand a lot of decorators are still doing this sort of thing and apparently a lot of buyers are still appreciating this sort of thing too.

The cinema room is obviously a very LA sort of home accoutrement. While we're not feeling the aubergine wall fabric or that "dramatic" overhead soffit lighting shit, we're sure this probably fits the bill for what many folks want in a private screening room. On to the bathroom. Well, at least in the one photo we have here, this room is a real problem. Your Mama can't imagine anyone feeling comfortable stripping nekkid in this room. I guess Mister Bush can imagine it, but he's probably just one of about a dozen who can.

Going back to the property description in the listing, there are a few features that make Your Mama furrow our brow with consternation. Hunny, what's a platinum kitchen? Does this refer to the color of the cabinets or the is it the material? And this "home beauty spa" that is mentioned? What ever is that? Is a room like this really necessary for anyone? Is this where you get your hair colored and woven in the privacy of your own home? And why would any "hip playroom" require three televisions? Can a person watch that many programs at once? Please. That many blaring television sets just seems like a recipe for an aural disaster that can only lead to a migraine.

Lahwd children, we're sorry to bring you such an abomination, but sometimes it's good to know what's bad, so then you know what's good, right? And with that Your Mama is signing out. We feel that migraine coming on strong from all the stress this listing is giving us. We need to get ourselves into a dark room with a big dose of Imitrex right quick.

Sources: LA Times Hot Properties, Coldwell Banker, Cory Sheldon, Zoom Info, HGTV


Anonymous said...

did rick james live here?

i can feel them Mary Jane girls getting their super freak on out there on the yacht-inspired party decks.

reggie may look like a lil like blair underwood, and his ass is a monument to god's penchant for using the natural world to prove he exists, but real men don't live in cribs.

-mary cheney

Anonymous said...

Nightmare on Nightingale

Anonymous said...

Ms. Thornbury is Mr. Sheldon's mother, lol. She changed her last name when she re-married ;-).