Saturday, August 23, 2008

Michael Bolton Can Live Without "Dalle Acqua"

SELLER: Michael Bolton
LOCATION: Kings Highway North, Westport, CT
PRICE: $11,000,000
SIZE: 9,623 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular waterfront on sparkling Nash's pond surround this exceptional Tuscan inspired residence and spacious guest house with a private, gated drive leading up to the gracious porte cochere. Enter into the luxurious & grand formal entry with imported Italian marble floors and an abundance of custom, imported hand-carved mahogany wood. The meticulously crafted mill work is carried throughout the home including the screening room, elegant dining room, exceptional chef's kitchen and sumptuous master suite with veranda...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama knows just four things about soft rock balladeer Michael Bolton. Number one is, of course, that mystifying misfortune of a mullet he sported for way too many years–a follicular fiasco that he's, thankfully, resolved. Number two is that he sings sappy and swelling songs about love and loss that (fortunately) do not get played on the radio stations to which Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter tune in. The third thing we know about Mister Bolton is that he's been engaged to Desperate Housewives dee-va and Tinseltown survivor Nicollette Sheridan for a looong time, long enough that one has to wonder if they're ever going to get married. And the fourth tidbit we can pull up from the depths of our gin soaked and sleep deprived mind is that Mister Bolton has long bedded down in the high-toned town of Westport, CT, which the children will recall is the very samy hoity toity hamlet where big bad Martha Stewart shacked up at her television famous Turkey Hill home before she spent a little time in the clink and subsequently moved to her gigantic estate in Bedford, NY.

Now, thanks to the Westport Wailer, we've learned a fifth thing about Mister Michael Bolton, which is that he's recently put his 2.71 acre estate in Westport, dubbed Dalle Acqua, on the market with an asking price of $11,000,000.

As far as Your Mama can piece together with property records, listing information and 411 received from the Westport Wailer, the Bolton estate is located on Kings Highway North and is comprised to two single and separate lots. The larger lot, at 1.51 acres, sits well off the road and includes a 9,633 square foot main house with 6 bedrooms and 6 full and 2 half bathrooms overlooking the resort style swimming pool and alluring Nash's pond beyond. Property records show that the 50-something year old crooner and father of three purchased this piece of his real estate pie in May of 1991 for just $975,000.

Property records reveal the smaller lot, which measures 1.2 acres and fronts Kings Highway North, was purchased in January of 1992 for an undisclosed amount of money and includes a smaller 5,375 square foot residence with 4 bedrooms and 5 full and 3 half bathrooms. Listing information refers to this as a "spacious guesthouse" and Your Mama hears (but can not confirm) from the Westport Wailer that this smaller residence is also utilized as Mister Bolton's music studio.

Although Your Mama is not so much impressed by the faux-Tuscan style of the mansion nor are we particularly pleased with the day-core on display in the photographs and we are generally of the mind that porte cocheres are better left to hotels, we're not revolted either. That is except for the kitchen, where some misguided individual has made the egregious and unforgivable mistake of putting fake greenery atop the kitchen cabinets. Regular readers of our little online endeavor will surely recall that this upsetting botanical bizness violates Mama's decorating rule #827 which clearly states, "No phony foliage allowed. Anywhere and ever. Particularly on top of kitchen cabinets that do not reach the ceiling." Listen hunnies, please, just say no to that nonsense. It really does not look very good and serves no purpose whatsoever. It just means you gotta pay the cleaning ladee extra to climb on a damn ladder to dust that silk shit.

The other considerable concern we have with Mister Bolton's crib is the high number of terlits that need to be cleaned. If the property records are accurate and to be believed, there are sixteen poopers on this property which means, of course, that the owner needs at least two full time gurls with scrub brushes tied to their hard working hands to maintain a high gloss on all those terlit bowls at all times. Given the high cost of finding good terlit gurls who are willing to walk from the main house to the guest house in the high humidity of a Connecticut summer and the bitter cold of an East Coast winter, these 16 terlits might be a real deterrent for a deep pocketed buyer.

Outdoor amenities at Mister Bolton's spread include a fully lit and not quite north-south tennis court, a putting green (an amenity that Your Mama finds utterly bo-ring), a piazza (which we like), a swimming pool reached down a wide and royalty worthy marble staircase, formal gardens, sprawling lawns and a teeny tiny dock on Nash's pond perfect for launching canoes, smoking doobies and keeping an eye on the the natty neighbors across the slim body of water.

Your Mama hasn't a clue what Mister Bolton will do once he unloads his big estate in Connecticut but the children will recall of course, that Miz Sheridan recently and reportedly forked over $4,320,000 for a large and private house in the gated and suburban Los Angeles community of Hidden Hills that she snatched up from a-list lezbeeuns Melissa Etheridge and her wifey/baby momma Tammy Lynn Michaels. So Maybe Mister Bolton is headed for Hidden Hills where he and Miz Sheridan can have other resident celebs such as preggers Lisa Marie Presley, publicity luvin' dee-vorcee Denise Richards and Bruce Jenner and all those big bootied Kardashian behatchas over for brunch.

As far as we know, Miz Sheridan also continues to own the house on Roscomare Road in the hills above Bel Air where she lived with her previous huzband Harry Hamlin. That was back when Mister Hamlin was still a young and noo-bile television hottie and heart throb and long before he married leviathan lipped daytime drama ack-turus and clothing boo-teek owner Lisa Rinna.

29 comments:

pch said...

It's a beautiful setting. The entry facade's second-floor windows need some sorting, but I'm not otherwise revolted, either, Mama.

so_chic_darling said...

Mama may not be revolted but I am. The last time I was in Connecticut I was passing through on an Amtrak train to Boston and a chill passed through my body was it the fierce air conditioning or was it the state I was in?

so_chic_darling said...

Oh and Amtrak is so the great revealer of social inequities, you know that saying "wrong side of the tracks"? Well in CT you pass by some of the worst desperate urban poverty and 2 minutes later oh look there's another hedge fund chateau!

randomdrew said...

I find it a little odd to see Tuscan homes in the CT, because I feel like real representations of that style are usually in Southern California or Florida. I wonder what a Tuscan inspired home would look like with snow on it? Odd?

Anyway, conversely and perhaps inversely, I think although porte cocheres are a little gauche, they may actually be useful on the East coast where winters are cold and harsh because it provides a semi less intense environment to board the Rolls when William brings it around.

Anonymous said...

I heard martha's bedford estate is worth $60M. It's huuuuuge.

Alessandra said...

I also love the setting. I find the idea of a Tuscan in CT to be slightly disconcerting, but to each their own.

However, the kitchen needs to be gutted entirely. Aside from the fake greenery, the flow is all wrong, I hate the cabinets, the fridge and that damned useless island.

Anyway, I'm sure this home offers all the right amenities for whatever hedge hogs are still in business.

StPaulSnowman said...

This is a very appealing house. The look is clean and sharp without being sterile or cold.........except for the creepy photo of the guts of the projector and tiresome up and down screen. I would assume that, at this price, the magic disappearing home theatre would be part of the package. It would have been interesting to see the effect of the room with the technology stashed. What ever happened to this guy...is he on the casino circuit....one step away from reality TV?

StPaulSnowman said...

As ugly as fences are, no tennis court is useful without one........now that is what he should have arranged to go up and down. Yes, mama you are right about the plants......but I think they are plastic and not silk.

average joe :} said...

prices in all markets are in a free fall now

I would be surprised if he gets a million for his place

why is everyone putting their homes on the market when this is clearly the worst time to sell ?

I guess he like many others are going broke from illegal music downloads so he has no choice but to sell or end up in foreclosure ?

lil' gay boy said...

I'm in accord with Alessandra re: the kitchen; why do I get the odd feeling that just beyond camera range would be seen velvet ropes to demarcate it from the rest of the "home show?"

The approach façade is psychotic; the odd mix of arched, stepped and recessed windows is incoherent, and the porte cochere, as pretentious as it may be, is a welcome amenity in the inclement northeast, but the proportions are off and it doesn't express an axis of the design; it just looks tacked on.

Frankly, there's little for me to call Tuscan about this house; it's more along the lines of the generic "Mediterranean" knock offs of the infamous Toll Brothers in this part of the country.

But as PCH said, the setting is indeed lovely, and at this price point the potential buyer would probably be looking to remodel the hell out of it anyway; I won't be living there or visiting soon so let 'er rip.

Anonymous said...

If my long fan memory is not failing me I think Michael purchased the "studio" home first and the more elaborate second. Having just gone through the downtown Chicago market I know values are not decreasing in the more high end areas! So I hope Micheal makes a killing on his home. And leave the hair alone-its my best memories of the 90's!

luke220 said...

For that kind of money, I'd want to be on Long Island Sound.

The property is also being offered without the guesthouse, on 1 1/2 acres, for $7.5 million.

Chris said...

I must demur with regard to fake foliage. Used in moderation, it can be a big asset to the decor. The stuff these days is so well done you have to actually pinch or chew on it to know if it is fake or not, and of course it means you don't water, and you don't need to worry it will grow all over things, or get brown and ugly, etc., etc. I think it is mere snobbery to reject it out of hand. Like the carpet phobia. Both have their place.

Books for Foodies said...

I covet that chef's kitchen!

hai azakyte said...

If I remember correctly he bought the second house for his teenage daughters to live in because they were driving him crazy with all that teenage estrogen in the air.

average joe :} said...

I havent been an annoying jack ass for at least 2 days and am dying for attention.

I would be surprised if anyone reads my post but I will read it over and over myself with only one hand on the keyboard.

why wont anyone sell me a house when i clearly have no money, education, class or negotiating skills?

I guess they like many others are going to sell to people who actually have money instead people like me who fill the kiddy pool, make a wine margarita and say I am in Ibiza.

Bigdaddyj said...

Tuscan in Connecticut doesn't disturb me as much as badly-executed McMansionesque faux-Tuscan does anywhere, which is what the front of this house screams to me, though the back is definitely more attractive and authentic looking than the hideous architectural trainwreck that is the front. I do like the kitchen, though, very masculine, though I too agree with mama that the cabinet-top foliage (faux or not) is indeed unnecessary and takes away from the otherwise stark beauty of the black cabinets & granite contrasted against the white/beige flooring...

so_chic_darling said...

Really there is nothing quite as tacky a fake foliage or fake anything for that matter. One of our big problems in fact is that almost everything is fake. Might as well say there's nothing wrong with leaving clear plastic covers on living room furniture too. Why stop there? Some people like to leave the plastic on their lamp shades as well.

average joe :) said...

that was not me again the whack job broke out of the mental ward

average joe ;) said...

that was me again I gave hand job to the guard and broke out of the mental ward

average joe :} said...

Whack job you are not allowed to leave the sanitorium for at least 10 years

average joe :} said...

Whack job I am not allowed to leave my granny's basement for at least 10 years, when I turn 18.

Anonymous said...

WAAAAYYYY overpriced...especially since it is on an inlet AND on a busy street a block from the busy post road...not sure what agent is steering him wrong.

Anonymous said...

black kitchen? is that an embalming table?

Anonymous said...

just read that he and ms. sheridan decided to end their engagement... maybe he's looking to start over somewhere new

Jesse B. said...

Wouldn't you know...Bolton and Sheridan have ended their engagement (per People.com). Me thinks the news was slow to break, and the listing of the home is somehow tied to their breakup.

Gen X Girl said...

i remember when i used to see mike in the mall in new haven on chapel street every weekend like clockwork. he always wore a black trench coat and tried to speak to me and my friends..sure we practically lived in the mall - we were maybe fifteen? but him.. i'm not so sure just what he was doing there all the time, it got to the point where we'd never go to that mall without seeing him. sure is a world of difference from being a mall rat in the the 80's to now, huh mike? LOL! hope he sells his house. wish we kept in touch as i've become a real estate broker in westport since then... ;)

Anonymous said...

Gee . . . too bad he painted over that beautiful mural he had in the entryway. It was GORGEOUS and I can't imagine a buyer wouldn't have wanted it.

Anonymous said...

The foliage doest bother me , the remaing
Of the home not house are beautiful , now as for his hair , hair does not make the person ,