Friday, August 15, 2008

Jenna Jameson Unloads in the Hollywood Hills

SELLER: Jenna Jameson
LOCATION: Sunset Plaza Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,700,000
SIZE: 3,958 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautiful and unique combo of Hollywood circa 1920s and chic upgrades with awesome city views. Former Valentino family home, currently celebrity owned with long celeb history. This stylish Mediterranean features incredible master suite, guest apartment, third suite and two bonus rooms. Sunken living room w/ fireplace, formal dining room, den opens to spa courtyard, gourmet kitchen, 5 patios/balconies, and 2 car garage. Fully gated/sec system and private. Entertainer's dream.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Property records show that in August of 2006, soon after famously bi-sexual porn super star Jenna Jameson announced she went splitsville with her now ex-huzband Jay Grdina, she scooped up a hideaway house on curvy, swurvy and potentially perilous Sunset Plaza Drive in hills above Hollywood for $2,700,000.

The purchase made sense at the time since the Scottsdale, Arizona based babe was reportedly "dating" L.A. based Red Hot Chili Pepper Dave Navarro and the professional fornicator was retiring and eager to break into more mainstream films that would not require she take it up the booty. However, now that the porn princess has hooked up with thick necked Ultimate Fighting Champion Tito Ortiz and will soon be pushing a screaming infant through her high mileage baby maker, she's listed her Los Angeles bachelorette pad for sale with an asking price of $2,700,000 which can be ogled in a gorgeous virtual tour.

Say what you will about Miss Jameson's chosen profession (and we're sure some of you conservative types will), but above and beyond the bubble breasted babe's rare abilities to work her pelvis like a corkscrew and moan like she really means it, this beehawtcha is an extremely savvy bizness ladee who has a fine and fat bank account that would make most millionaire wannabes weep with envy. Miss Jameson also seems to recognize that the Los Angeles real estate market ain't climbing like it used to and the best way to unload her Mediterranean style crib is to stick an asking price on it that's identical to what she paid for the place just two years ago. She'll prolly loose a few shekels on the transaction, but trust me puppies, this ladee has money to burn and can well afford to take a wee hit to her bulging bank account.

A quick and lazy search of the interweb didn't turn up any other recent celebrity owners but listing information indicates the house was once a Valentino family home (we imagine that's Rudy Valentino) and has a long celebrity history.

Anyhoo, according to prop records and listing information, the 3 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom house measures in at a somewhat modestly sized 3,958 square feet, which is a little small for a little gal with a penchant for big things. Sitting on a steep up slope of Sunset Plaza Drive, the Mediterranean style house will not suit the weak hearted or the soft-gluted who will surely have a difficult time even getting up all the stairs to the front door without pulling a muscle or having a damn heart attack.

Additional features in the multi-story Mediterranean include a soaring entrance hall with what appears to be original tile work accents, a red and lurid powder room that would be better suited to a high class brothel in Nevada, a beamed living room with a giant arched window with glittering views over Los Angeles, a poorly decorated dining room, and a decent sized but ordinary u-shaped kitchen with one of those horrible greenhouse windows are too often filled with ceramic frogs and Precious Moments figurines. Your Mama hates these things children and we decree with decorating rule #1,057 that no kitchen should feature a garish greenhouse window over the sink.

Miss Jameson's den has been re-worked into a slick and seXXXy media room that would be purr-fect for a sophisticated gurl on gurl scene if only Miss Jameson had not retired from the naughty film bizness. A team of nice gay decorators have outfitted the media room with black striped walls,black and white striped curtains, a zebra striped ottoman and a giant beige sofa. Also in the media room is a glossy and glitzy black chandelier, which Your Mama confesses to liking quite a bit.

Unfortunately we can't say such nice things about the bedroom with that eye-popping lemon yellow wall. Now children, Your Mama has an unhealthy attraction to bright colors, but this screaming yellow mixed with the glammy mirrored bedside table and the black white and red bedding is a hot mess. That's right we said it, a hot mess. But the decorating issues do not start there or end with the phone sitting on the floor in the corner. Oh no. The black and white framed image is hanging so damn high we'd surely wind up in a neck brace after kinking out neck trying to get a look at that thing and do not even get me started on that upsetting ceiling fan.

Attached to Miss Jameson's bedroom is a monochromatic bathroom with what appears to be pickled wood walls and an itty bitty chandelier that give it a country goes glam vibe. Although Miss Jameson didn't wear much in the way of clothing during her porn years, her large dressing room has none the less been custom fitted to store racks of clothes and all of her many pairs of sky high heels and (it has to be said) fuck-me pumps.

Your Mama hasn't a clue where Miss Jameson and her beau-fried/baby daddy Mister Ortiz are headed, but we imagine it will be to a house where Miss Jameson will not need to pay the nanny extra to haul the Bugaboo up 49 flights of stairs just to get to the front door.

45 comments:

Quite Contrary said...

My eyes! What is with the Bon Appetit banner in the kitchen?

theflyingdutchman said...

Tiger stripes -> I thought zebras were black and white?!

pch said...

Welcome to the Coast, Mama!

Nothing but love for Jenna Jameson. This house, though, is problematic. It has a lot of the right design elements, but they were put together with little finesse. The overall effect is cockeyed. There are much better alternatives with the same architectural vocabulary, most of which don't have a garage with a tricky exit onto Sunset Plaza.

Anonymous said...

i like most of it, it has potential. But I couldn't agree more re: those hideously fugly greenhouse windows. I have always hated them and they are a particularly glaring offense to this home.

Alessandra said...

I want to like it, and yet, I don't. The closet is really cool. And there are other individual design elements that I appreciate. But overall? It feels pieced together.

Glad you're safely on the Best Coast, Mama.

Anonymous said...

Jesus H...I couldn't even make it past the wallpaper in the bathroom before I had to step away from my computer to compose myself.

Anonymous said...

"high mileage baby maker"

LOL..oh mama, how I love you so!

Anonymous said...

Concerning your title:

Ewwwwww.

bentley said...

Totally dig the entrance hall. It has great potential.

Anonymous said...

I'd sleep in the walk-in, it looks the most cozy.

Anonymous said...

Mama! Such language! (I looove it)

E.J. said...

Rudolph Valentino didn't live here; his brother and extended family lived here in the 1920s and 1930s. Actor Jack Albertson lived here from the 1960s until he died (here) in 1981.

Anonymous said...

I live across the street from Miss.Jenna and I can tell you that she is selling her property because of the huge monster modern property that is being built right next door. Once this modern property is built she would not have the privacy she needs. All the neighbors are upset with the construction. But, I can tell you that she is looking to buy a property by the beach. The house is beautiful in person but the rooms are very small and the layout of the house is very choppy.

Anonymous said...

What is UP with that horrid wallpaper in the shitter and the dark stripes on the wall of the den? Just horrendous! Hid. E. Ous!

Anonymous said...

What is UP with that horrid wallpaper in the shitter and the dark stripes on the wall of the den? Just horrendous! Hid. E. Ous!

Anonymous said...

priced way out of range, she is about a year late on asking for a price like this

btw chad from million dollar listing

he has not had any sales in the first 2 episodes, do you notice on how he kisses ass way to much ?

I find it hard to believe he is making any real sales, I do believe his parents are supporting his lifestyle at the time the show was taped.

eddie from pdx said...

the things that hot tub has seen....

Well, I guess pretty much the whole world has seen, but you know, I would still use a whole lot of bleach.

Todd said...

I like this house, and I'd like even more to sleep with Jenna Jameson and her well-used baby maker in this house. Oh, the minutes and minutes of fun I could have with her humping in that hot tub before moving to watch one of Jenna's finer films on that big tv in the zebra room. We could then finish off on the kitchen counter near that Bon Appetit sign.

Oh... let me get my mind out of the gutter for a minute and say aside from a few design elements, I really like the house!

Back to my Friday fantasy...

SigourneyBeaver said...

Well, that bathroom wallpaper certainly would make me go.
Nice dining room. How many times do you suppose she's been splayed out on that big ol' table?

Anonymous said...

Jenna Jameson is a lesbian.

Babe Parish said...

The outside of Jenna's house totally looks like the house that Teri Hatcher's character lived in in that film, The Big Picture with Kevin Bacon Brothers Sedgewick.

Anonymous said...

jenna is like the kobe bryant of porn. she's just damn good at doin' it. and fun to watch.

Sandpiper said...

Bring on the landscape architect, bouganvelia and lots of big planted pots. As for the interior, I'd rather not say.

Anonymous said...

My eyes are bleeding....

Bigdaddyj said...

"unloads"...LOL...what a perfect word to use in a headline about a porn star...only thing that would make it better would be if it were about a male porn star...;-)

so_chic_darling said...

If she's a lesbian does that mean that her husband..................Oh now that's interesting.

so_chic_darling said...

What to call this style of interior decorating, Ming provincial bordello ranch Mexican?

Anonymous said...

This house is as hideous as the seller.

Anonymous said...

This house is tragic. She must have payed cash because I can't imagine this place ever appraising anywhere near 2.7. She'll be lucky if she gets 1.7.

Chris said...

So the decor is in ultimate bad taste? What would you expect from someone in her line of "work"? As for her second coming, so to speak, in the movie business, how many well known porn stars do you know who made the transition to being important main line actors?
Any?

Chris said...

So the decor is in ultimate bad taste? What would you expect from someone in her line of "work"? As for her second coming, so to speak, in the movie business, how many well known porn stars do you know who made the transition to being important main line actors?
Any?

debbie downer said...

First off

no views

bought at the peak paid 1000% premium

I think she will have to take it off the market


new mortgage resets are occurring this month now those with great credit and jobs are starting to default

the RE market is going to crash harder than anyone anticipated

I am sure her agent is getting offers of 300k cash as we speak

I know they will turn them down

they will wish they took them next year

in case you have not heard

parts of the US offer homes for $1

one dollar and it is yours, of course the gangs and drug addicts are your neighbors

in parts of Florida you can move into a brand new home for $399 down

looks like we are heading back to the 1920's

FINALLY

the Children said...

So now Average Joe/Serge is calling himself Debbie Downer...guess he has sexual identity problems as well...

debbie downer said...

I am not average joe

JACKASS

I am a bitch plain and simple

asshole

debbie downer said...

I mean I am a lady that can be a bitch

you prick

Amy said...

"Jesus H...I couldn't even make it past the wallpaper in the bathroom before I had to step away from my computer to compose myself.

- anonymous"

i couldn't have said it better. horrifying. utterly horrifying.

ps my (estranged and lunatic) sister loves her kitchen greenhouse window -- and that's where she keeps the urn with my dad's ashes. fitting, non?

the matchmaker said...

Hey Debbie...if you aren't Average Joe, then I've got the perfect guy to hook you up with - Average Joe!!! You two would be perfect for, nay deserve, each other....

Anonymous said...

I wonder if I get a "blue Light" the floors etc will have her pussy juices and cum stains all over the place?!

debbie downer said...

no thanks

Anonymous said...

I'm actually looking for a house in that area and price range. Saw the house and thought it was nice . . . until I heard it was Jenna Jameson's. I'm sure she's a lovely woman (well we've seen that she's a lovely girl lol) but I have to consider as a single female the stalker factor. I'd hate to have some deranged porn star stalker lurking around not realizing Jenna no longer lives there . . and besides I don't have the thick-necked Tito to defend me lol. Nice house, reasonable price point for the area, but the previous owner may cause some people pause. Again, not hating on Jenna, I'm sure she's nice but there still a certain ick factor.

Anonymous said...

don't worry about the blue light inspection since she probably swallows

Chris said...

If she had had a sense of humor the sign in the kitchen might well have read: "Bon Appetits", but alas I suspect no humor lurks in or near her person.

Polly said...

Shut up debbie you white trash food stamp spending hooker.

Kenny said...

How did she unload on a hill?

Anonymous said...

jenna lost this house and the new owner is the guy that owns that clothing company called "hale bob"... ugh.