Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Tony Romo Settles Down Near Dallas

BUYER: Tony Romo
LOCATION: Dowling Drive, Irving, TX
PRICE: $699,900 (list)
SIZE: 5,551 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: $10,000 to buyer. Stunning contemporary home. White marble floors, beautifully landscaped backyard. Pool and spa and outdoor entertaining area. Huge rooms with soaring ceilings. 6 bedrooms plus study, three fireplaces, Luxurious master bath. Ready to move in?

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh dear jeezis in heaven, say it ain't so. Not only did Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo buy an ass uglee mini-mansion in suburban Dallas, TX, he's reportedly asked his current gurly-friend, the recently down on her singing and acting luck Jessica Simpson, to renovate and decorate the marble floored monstrosity. Whaaaat?

Your Mama will agree that poor Miss Simpson may need to explore some new career options, but based on the dee-pressing day-core that we saw in the Calabasas crib she shared with ex-huzband Nick Lachey, we are not convinced that interior decoration is one of them. But then again, what does Your Mama actually know about anything? Perhaps her design sensibilities have matured after all those years hanging around with her nice gay hairstylist Ken Paves.

Anyhoo, according to the sassy and well connected real estate gossip queen Candy Evans who pens the Dallas Dirt blog, the ball tossing beefcake recently scooped up a 5,551 square foot house on Dowling Drive in a town called Irving. Not being overly familiar with the Dallas/Fort Worth area, Your Mama has to consult the internets to learn that suburban Irving sits smack in between (and a little north of) the sister cities of Dallas and Fort Worth. The house was listed at $699,900 and Miz Evans, a Lonestar ladee who usually gets it right, reports that she hears through the Dallas gossip grapevine that Mister Romo paid, "about $670,000" for his new Dallas area digs.

A quick peruse of online maps and listing information provided to Your Mama by Debbie Dallas, Mister Romo's new residence sits inside the guarded gates of a community that overlooks of the Cottonwood Valley Country Club and includes 6 bedrooms and 4 full and 2 half bathrooms, family friendly numbers Your Mama imagines Jessica Simpson's biological clock finds thrilling.

Listing information also indicates there are 4 separate living areas, 2 dining areas, 3 fireplaces, and a 3-car garage. We presume (and hope) that Mister Romo will have the entire house over hauled before moving a single piece of furniture into the place and he is certainly not responsible for the rather bee-zarre 1980s interiors. However, Your Mama can't help but look and look and look at the photographs of the unusually articulated house the way people on the freeway can't stop themselves from rubbernecking as they slow down to pass a bloody car wreck.

The all white, marble floored and double height entry hall leads into the all white and double height living room which also sports glistening Iraqi palace style marble floors and a cock-eyed view of the backyard swimming pool. The dining room features even more marble flooring and a distressing view of the neighbor's shingle roof which is only pitifully obscured by a pink flowered bush. All of which is only made worse by the floor to ceiling mirror clinging to one wall. Holy cow! Now children, in what era did diners actually wish to watch themselves masticating meat and sucking down red wine?

Into the gleaming and glaring all white and porcelain tile floored kitchen where dark glasses are required in order to make omelets and unload the dishwasher we find a suite of, surprise!, white appliances white counter tops. It should come as no surprise that the adjacent family room is also an all white and tile floored tragedy.

But it's in the master bedroom where the full hideosity of Mister Romo's new nest come to its full and obscene flower. Not only has the floor been covered in glossy and slippery black 12 x 12 inch tiles, for some unknown reason a large black bathtub has been sunk right down into the middle of the damn floor, a potentially perilous and possibly lethal set up about which we would think the building code people would gone ballistic. But alas, there it is in all its dubious glory, the "her" bathroom in Alexis Carrington's master suite.

The back yard does feature a modestly sized swimming pool, but we're concerned that there is not currently enough foliage for Miss Simpson to sunbathe in the buff without being seen and possibly photographed by the horny and hormone soaked teenage boys who live in the 'hood.

The bad news for Mister Romo is that it appears to Your Mama that he will have to spend considerable coin doing over every single inch of this place in the renovation that Miss Simpson will allegedly oversee. The good news is that even a non-designer singer/ack-tress like Jessica Simpson will have a tough time making it any worse.

Now somebody, please, point Your Mama at a celebrity owned house in Dallas or some other Texas town that looks good. We know there are some seriously cultured, educated and design savvy folks living in the Lonestar State who know how to do up their Texas sized mansions and colossal condominiums in a high and enviable style. Or at least they know which nice gay decorator to hire to pay for said style. So bring 'em on.

58 comments:

Alessandra said...

I'm not surprised how much I hate this. At least he didn't spend a lot of money on it.

It's just so cold and impersonal and McMansion-y. The idea of Jessica decorating it amuses me but perhaps she's learned something since when she was married to Nick and couldn't find the damn garbage can in the kitchen.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is I'd be content living in one of Average Joe's appliance boxes if Nick Lachey was shacked up there with me.

Anonymous said...

I use to live around the corner from this golf course community and I must say it's a nice development but this house is so hideous. A contemporary McMansion in a golf community is just ugly and stupid. And the photos are bad. Why would a realtor post them (you can even see the realtor in the picture in the bathroom). Bad decision Tony. I guess the only upside to him buying in this area is that it's a few miles away from Valley Ranch (Cowboys practice field) and the Texas Stadium.

Parker said...

I don't think this could be an uglier...

bentley said...

That is one of the ugliest fucking foyers and worst staircase designs I have ever seen.

Yeah, super idea! Let's make the foyer cavernous, morgue-like, and cram the stairs into a wee little corner behind the front door, and THEN finish it off with a little turn."

Ugh.

Madam Pince said...

This house gives new meaning to the term "ass-uglee." I'm with you, Mama, in that I can't understand why a building inspector would approve that lawsuit-waiting-to-happen bathroom.

dmagazine said...

Candy Evans, rocks the Dallas real estate world.

Anonymous said...

tony is just a guy who really doesn't care. This house is like 5 minutes from Valley Ranch and like 10 minutes from Texas Stadium. You would think that with a $66 million contract he would have at least went to Highland Park or Preston Hollow and spend a million more on something that isn't as ugly.

I hope he tears it down.

Jesse B. said...

It is hideous to be sure, but I am still wondering how one can get that much house (square footage) for so little. A house of that size in my moderately priced market would cost over a million. I should move to TX if not only for the affordable real estate!

Anonymous said...

LOL at the reflection of the girl in the bathroom mirror with the TRI-POD!

Anonymous said...

^ "TRI-POD" how 80's of her... She must be keeping in theme with the decor.

Jesse B. said...

One of my closest friends used to work with and was pretty good friends with Mark Cuban (Dallas Mavericks owner -- became billionaire with sale of Broadcast.com to Yahoo back in the day). Mark bought something like a 15,000 SF house in Dallas. He used the living room as in indoor whiffle ball diamond. In fact, if I remember correctly, very few rooms were finished -- with his home office receiving the most attention then.

Of course, this was before the wife and child (perhaps children now -- I don't follow him). I would bet the wife had a great team of gay decorators come in and spruce up the house.

I would compare Mr. Cubans home to this one except Cuban's house is actually quite beautiful. He just wasn't worried about filling it up with furnishings for the longest time.

Jesse B. said...

btw, THREE posts in one day? Does this mean you and Dr. Cooter are all settled in, Mama?

Sandpiper said...

Mama, I'm with you ... props to Candy, the hardest working real estate blogger in Texas. And, oooh, by the way, my money's on her to break the RE news when George Dub-ya flies his DC coup. I read her often.

Know enough about this region of Dallas-metro area to be dangerous, but it is dotted with many lovely and beautifully appointed properties. What was he thinking?

Feel like I'd be kicking a property when it's down by saying anything further. This one's a Texas-size ZERO.

Loving the haunted shower!

StPaulSnowman said...

The only thing this architectural chancre needs is a glossy white Yamaha Peeannie in the living room. The whole black and white aesthetic is about as appealing as the Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson anthem.

StPaulSnowman said...

OK, so it was Stevie Wonder.........same mess.

Hippie Canyon said...

I have to agree with StPaulsnoman. In keeping with the Big D theme of this McCrapsion, the white P-Annie would be just the ticket. Then throw in (Literally. Please.)some Blackamoor statue that's more life-size candle holder than statue, and you'd have an interior that makes my new BFF Lance Bass's old place in BHPO look downright upright! And lets face it, that's not easily done (sorry Lance). Its not possible to have this... expletive deleted... look anymore straight boy/no clue/pro-athelete. BTW Mama, at least warn us next time. Do something like a plain white box with a "click here" over it so we don't have to be upset simply scrolling through the day's blog. Now if you'll excuse me, PRONTO.

Hippie Canyon said...

whoops ... make that, "I need a dirty martini. PRONTO."

Teal Chic said...

Props from one Candy to another!

Doodle Whore said...

It's utterly grotesque. Nothing burns me up more than rich people with zero taste. Just wait until Jessica adds her classy touches around the joint.

Todd said...

If you spend $700k on shit and then fix it up, it's still shit. This house is ugly. Tony could have done better. Horrible choice.

thevinylvillage said...

of all the things that one could have in an area as large as DFW..he picked THIS??
when I first saw the picture, I thought to myself..."self, if you got up in the middle of the night to tinkle, you'd end up in face first in that hideous sunken tub, bleeding to death before the smoked mirrors"
I could never have bought this, because I just dont want to die that way.

Anonymous said...

I don't know, it's not that ugly. For those of us in Northern VA, we can appreciate that $600K would not come close to buying you a single family home (3,000 sq feet if you are lucky) within 30 miles of where you might actually want to live and work.
I think he got a good deal and in a gated community?
save on the house and spend your savings on fixing the joint up.
I would start by filling in the tub. Seriously who wants to climb out of a bathtub only to be basically sitting on the floor?
P.S. - he is a dude. He probably thinks that all he needs is a few plasmas and he is set.

Anonymous said...

Yuck. Now I've gotta clean off the keyboard. Seriously, he must be planning to tear it down and bought it for the location.

Anonymous said...

Someone who makes this much money lives in this SHITHOLE? Damn! And it's over 5,000 square feet of ugliness for a single man?

He should have gotten a 2 bedroom at the W.

Anonymous said...

First of all, Mama asks, so Mama gets: Check out George Michael's home in Dallas.

Then, go poke around this site (and his blog) to see some examples of the better Dallas residences. Although for the most part these houses don't belong to celebrities, at least they show that crass yokels haven't completely wrecked all sense of taste in Dallas.

Anonymous said...

Now that's a great switch........a gay male couple who choose a straight female decorator and trust her with their Texas home. Pretty cool.

Anonymous said...

I love this house. It's so perfect, it's like a timecapsule. I wouldn't change a thing. Wait 20 years and these excess 80's mcmansions will be the new mid century mods.

Anonymous said...

I'm still trying to figure out that gated balcony over the entrance.

Do you have to be a stocky shower ghost to get up there?

Also, I can't figure out the pool. It's surrounded by slabs of concrete set in gravel? It looks smelly - like there'd be two retarded doberman pinschers running about shitting on the rocks.

jl13 said...

The third busiest airport in the world in terms of aircraft movements just around the corner.

Maybe he is an Airline Spotter in his free time. He will be busy so he doesnt have to hear Jessica talking about the Higgs particle .

Anonymous said...

Dear Baby Jesus in heaven, that is the fugliest house I've ever seen on this blog, and that's saying a lot!

Anonymous said...

Iraqi Palace! Ha, that is perfect!

Anonymous said...

George Michael & Kenny Goss sold that condo a few years ago. I was fortunate enough to tour it, and it was extremely tasteful in every way.

The land in the neighborhood where Tony Romo bought isn't remotely worth $700k, so it's definitely not a teardown. If you invested a couple hundred thousand into updating it, you'd still have major curb appeal issues and would be hard-pressed to find anyone willing to pay a million dollars for it. There is too much in the way of newer, nicer, more attractive product in the area for less.

Anonymous said...

When I look at the photo of the entryway to this home, I halfway expect Crockett and Tubbs to burst through the door any minute, arms drawn, shouting "freeze", with a Phil Collins song blaring in the background.

Texas gal said...

The gate to Cottonwood Valley is right across MacArthur from the Four Seasons (home of the Byron Nelson tournament). It's close to DFW, a bit south of Valley Ranch where the Cowboys train, and close to TX Stadium. I'm not sure how much that helps since the new stadium is in Arlington, but whatevs.

Not all the homes in this neighborhood are this dated and truly "uglee," but let's just say there are MUCH better buys in the area that are far less hideous. This isn't really a suburb either, in the traditional sense. It's sort of Las Colinas no-man's land.

Fun fact- Robert Tilton, one of those holy-roller TV preachers, used to own a house in Cottonwood Valley. Praise Jesus!

Anonymous said...

The Belle Nora mansion (google it) is magnificent on the outside. On the inside, not so much.

Anonymous said...

The dude is football player who is dating Jessica Simpson!! No one should be the least bit surprised that he has shitty (or no) taste.

It will take a lot of money to cover the ugly in that house. Lots.

Alessandra said...

Maybe he bought it for his mama, not for himself.

Though with that tub in the master bath, one could argue that if it is a purchase for mom, he doesn't love his mama that much, since one wrong move and she breaks her neck.

Viva! said...

FUCKING UGLY!

I don't usually react so violently to a house, it is just a house...but DAMN that is a disgusting house...

But then, this is from the guy who thinks Jessica Simpson is worth his time. Figures.

Chris said...

Why is the facade so dirty dishwater grey? Is it the photo or what? Maybe a nice coat of white paint on the stucco would give it a bit of a lift. Not much you can do, clearly, but every bit would help.

Anonymous said...

I didn't see the requisite Nagel!

Glass. Block. Bathroom. Windows.

There's pink neon lite strips hidden under every cabinet. Trust me on this.

Anonymous said...

Yeah Yeah, uglee house... shut up all you haters. It's better than the shack you losers are living in. I swear people find any and every thing to try and flame Romo. P.S it is ugly by the way. Learn how to spell.

Anonymous said...

Oh and Viva, I dont know if you are male or female but if you have penis, stop acting like you wouldn't hit that. If you are female then get your fat lazy ass off the computer and jump on the treadmill. Maybe then someone will pay attention to you. Damn haters!You guys are so jealous. You make me sick.

Anonymous said...

6:59, read your own comment. The only reason you are so opposed to what you term 'haters' is because you are one yourself. Now chill, better yet, try therapy.

This house is a dated bland nightmare. There's no glossing over the ugly truth about some things, sorry.

Ron said...

I'm always knocked over the absurdity of someone coming around here spitting and spewing venom at the so called jealous haters.

Isn't that the very definition of the pot calling the kettle black?


Oh, and Anon 6:45, you understand that "uglee" was spelled that way on purpose, right?

lil' gay boy said...

It's just so wrong.

Viva! said...

6:59,

You're right, I WOULD hit it...but that's all. How Romo can tolerate being with her *all the time* though is beyond me, she's the epitome of stupid. Hot, but stupid. Beauty fades, dumb is forever.

That being said, it's still a disgustingly bad house. It's as if JR Ewing of 'Dallas' crossed paths with an 80s porn star and THIS is the house they designed. Just tacky, dated and ugly.

Anonymous said...

Just goes to show you Jess Simpson is "da Debil, Bobby Beuchae". Dump her and the house. What a train wreck!

Anonymous said...

this is grossss

Anonymous said...

Wow, you get a lot for your money in Texas.

Bet Jessica does everything possible to make sure this guy doesn't get away.

Anonymous said...

Jessica is pretty damn smart. She has a bunch of you fooled. And is laughing all the way to the bank.

longhorn09 said...

My parents actually live a few streets over from this house and I've yet to fully understand why Tony Romo chose this particular neighborhood. Don't get me wrong, Cottonwood is very, very nice, but it's mostly upper-middle class families and recent empty-nesters. In other words, it's your typical Texas suburb.

To be honest, this is one of the oddest looking houses on Dowling. It's definitely one of the more "unique" looking homes on the street, so I'm curious to know what improvements he plans to make to the exterior.

Anyway, Cottonwood is considered a very family-orientated area. So, in a nutshell, I can't help but wonder if Tony Romo actually plans to settle down in suburbia and start a family with J. Simpson sometime pretty soon.

GO LONGHORNS!

lil' gay boy said...

Longhorn09,

Looks like it's got some competition in the "unique" race from this perspective.

Where are those "wide open spaces" the Lonestar State is justifiably famous for?

babe parish said...

for 6 seventy whatever i'll take the little house in eagle rock!
this one looks like a mausoleum.
blechhhhh!

Anonymous said...

turn on the damn lights.

Anonymous said...

Tasteful Dallas celebrity homes:

Tom Hicks (owner Dallas Stars, Texas Rangers, etc.) 29,000 sq foot mansion built in 1938 on Dallas largest estate. Market value $35M
http://dougnewby.com/Architecture/Architecturally%20Significant/5555walnuthilllane.asp

Anonymous said...

You know who else used to live in Cottonwood Valley before his ego got especially huge and he moved to Californ-I-A? Dr. Phil.

Anonymous said...

I read that Michael Stribling Interiors got the contract to Design the home. Is that true?
I think that Stribling was the designer on hgtv's Design Star.