Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Vicki Gunvalson Decides to Stay in the Big House

SELLER: Vicki and Donn Gunvalson
LOCATION: Altimira, Coto De Caza, CA
PRICE: $1,780,000
SIZE: 4,000 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Truly unique one of a kind custom estate on a one-third acre lot with a spectacular view of Saddleback Mountain and the golf course! Walk to the clubhouse thru your own gate. Every detail is handcrafted with old world charm, yet modern convenience. 2 masters–one down! Media room. Secluded end of culdesac location. In the process of being upgraded, new paint, carpet, stone floors, slate bathrooms.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: By far one of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's favorite television train wrecks is the gloriously disturbing reality show The Housewives of Orange County. Certainly the children have all tuned in to The Bravo to see this stunner of a program on which a handful of rich, tan, highlighted and Botoxed women in suburban Orange County, CA, open the doors of their banal suburban mini mansions and let us all peer inside their embarrassing lives behind the gates of Coto de Caza. Children forgive Your Mama for saying this, but these boojie bitches mustn't have an ounce of shame because they seem to relish letting the world know their children are obnoxious, entitled and inarticulate mush brains, except for Kara and Briana who seem to recognize that getting a proper education and speaking correct English is a worthwhile endeavor. And don't even get Your Mama started on that sorry lot of emotionally checked out huzbands. Jeezis H. Christ they're enough to make a ladee go lesbian.

Anyhoo, on the Season 3 opener last week we learned that hardworking, successful and obsessive control freak (and our favorite Housewife) Vicki Gunvalson and her huzband Donn had purchased another banal mini mansion in Coto de Caza, the upscale guard gated community where it appears one must present a pair of fake double Ds to even meet with former Playboy Playmate and real estate agent Housewife Jeana Keough.

Although empty nesting Vicki and Donn had already purchased the house and hired a burly looking queen named Frankie to poorly decorate the place in a faux "Tuscan" style, she was having some remorse about downsizing from a 5,000 square foot house into an only slightly less ostentatious 4,000 square foot house. Over dinner with Donn one evening, she fretted about how living in a smaller house and installing a new $250,000+ backyard swimming pool extravaganza might compromise her feelings of success and empire building despite the notion that they would be able to pay for the new house with the equity of the old house, thus being wonderfully free from a large mortgage payment each month. But alas...

Thanks to an OC tipster we'll call Penny Lane, Your Mama has learned that Vicki and Donn have put the new and smaller house back on the market just 6 months after purchasing the 5 bedroom and 6 bathroom property for $1,650,000. Naturally it's listed with Jeana and the Gunvalsons are asking $1,780,000, a $130,00 gain that should just about cover the real estate fees and the truckload of furniture from the Broyhill Furniture showroom.

Although listing for the house indicates the house measures 4,000 square feet, property records actually show that house at 3,055 square feet. The bougainvillea covered house is well located for privacy at the end of a cul de sac and overlooks the Coto de Caza Golf and Racquet Club. The house currently does not have a swimming pool, but there is a shabby looking sport court that Vicki and Donn planned on ripping out and replacing with one of those uniquely American backyard swimming pool complexes with a grotto, slide, bbq center and whatever other new-fangled swimming pool accoutrement that the designer mentioned.

Your Mama is so overwhelmed by the interior photos of the Gunvalson's all beige faux "Tuscan" freak out that we don't really know where to begin discussing this disaster? We have never been to Tuscany, but if it really looks like this (and we sincerely doubt it does), Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would both sooner run bamboo shoots under out fingernails than go there. Ever.

Just the study alone has Your Mama wishing we had some spare needles to render our eyes sightless. What in the world is that place? The suit of armor? Oh. My. Gawd. You have got to be kidding, right? The vase of pussy willows? Come on Frankie, you can do better than that, can't you? Does this look like a room that anyone would actually use? For what?

Your Mama simply can not go on without compromising our health. So we're going to leave the discussion to the children while we take a big fat nerve pill and curl up in a fetal position in the corner trying to erase the image of that frightening fabric swagged over the kitchen window that has been seared onto our brain..

55 comments:

Anonymous said...

The entire house and it's contents are one gigantic made in china bowel movement!

Anonymous said...

I really hope that she decided to sell the place before her decorator bought any window coverings. Those things (esp in the family room) must have come from JC Penney. I hope they were just thrown up (excuse the choice of words) to "stage" the house. It is all just so awful.

Layler said...

I don't watch the show (sorry Mama). With the exception of the nice marble entryway with the curved staircase, the rest of the house looks like a plain, middle class house to me. The window treatments are horrible in that one photo (study? office?), and the bedroom is horribly blah.

The suit of armor is just sad. It's like someone with a very vague sense of design thought that would be something wealthy people would put in their home, so they went out and got it. It's terribly symbolic of their desperate attempt to look like they are more than they are. Ugh.

Anonymous said...

I am obsessed with this show also. It's particularly fascinating that there are more than one ex-playboy models in this group. How did I miss the season opener! Thanks for covering this stuff.

pch said...

I haven't seen the show. So I'm not sure how these people position themselves. But Coto de Caza has a fair number of ridiculously huge, ridiculously expensive properties. This is not one of them -- it's a bog standard tract house. I'm gonna guess their previous residence, though larger, was probably in the same category. In other words, the slums of Coto de Caza...nice, but nothing to crow about.

Besides, unless you want lots of acreage and/or a horse, I don't understand why anyone would want to live in Coto de Caza -- it's really hot and located in the outer limits of BFE.

The Gilded Moose said...

She needs the extra space for when Laurie's new lips come over.

caveman said...

nothing a nice gay santa ana fire couldn't fix.

so_chic_darling said...

"The vase of pussy willows"Just reading that made my day Mama.That was all so funny and shocking at the same time.By the way I'm calling the Italian consulate today to see if there is something they can do about the Tuscany problem!

Anonymous said...

How humorously vulgar -- and that's a statement, not a question. This one's a keeper for the big year-end review! On the nerve pill meter, I'd rate this a 20 mg.

Anonymous said...

Are you kidding me? She actually hired a decorator?!?!?

Anonymous said...

I like Vicki and of all the Coto husbands, Don is by far the best, he actually seems to give a damn.

That being said, I hate this house. It needs an interior overhaul badly and the backyard, good lord that thing needs the aquatic extravaganza Vicki has at the Big House.

I hope she gets her asking price, Vicki seems alright and Jeana can always use the commission.

Anonymous said...

They will lose money on this property(if it ever sells).

Tracy said...

*That* is not armor, it is an armor-shaped collection of metal, probably made in Mexico.

*This* is bespoke reproduction armor:

http://www.lightlink.com/armory/armory.html

Anonymous said...

Their economy-minded decorator has a keen eye for Herculon-Olefin blends. Long after the swivel and recliner mechinisms wear out, those soft goods will still look tent-sale new.

ms_wonderland said...

It's a beige riot. Don't worry Mama, you and the good Dr can go to Tuscany without being assailed by a job lot of props from The Tudors. In fact, a visit could cleanse your eyes after all these fake 'Mediteranean villas' Californians are so keen on.

Anonymous said...

Prices are still high in Beverly Hills, 3.6 is the median for a home out there. We have a long way to go for the market to tank so estates will still sell for millions if not 10's of millions.

Hottest and coldest LA zip codes

Hottest
Area/zip % change Oct. 07 median sales price
Beverly Hills/90210 192% $3.65 million
Beverly Hills/90212 71.8% $2.19 million
Sherman Oaks/91403 66.7% $1.27 million
Pacific Palisades/90272 41.8% $2.69 million
LA/Brentwood/90049 32.4% $2.25 million
LA/Rancho Park/90064 31.0% $1.31 million
LA/90027 30.7% $1.24 million
Palos Verdes/90274 24.8% $1.50 million
Rowland Heights/91748 22.6% $650,000
Manhattan Beach/90266 16.4% $1.66 million

Coldest
Tujunga/91402 -37.2% $386,000
Malibu/90265 -34.9% $1.59 million
Palmdale/903550 -29.9% $235,000
Downey/90240 -26.8% $504,000
Encino/91316 -25.9% $515,000
Lancaster/93534 -25.0% $224,000
Lancaster/93535 -24.1% $239,000
LA/Windsor Hills/90043 -23.9% $415,000
LA/Firestone Park/90001 -23.9% $350,000
Downey/90242 -23.0% $423,000

Aunt Mary said...

I would like to see these figures plotted on a Weis-Thorsen diagram with cardinal integers fissioned for redacted coefficients, otherwise it's meaningless to me. Where's my sack of corn curls?

Anonymous said...

Where are the oil paintings on velvet. Mama, are you holding back some pictures?

Anonymous said...

O T - Mama could we have some Hamptons goodness? Nothing like the Hamptons realestate to lift the winter weather!

Aunt Mary said...

Caveman, my dear man, I'm surprised you got away with that santa ana remark without being shrilly berated by the "Committee Against Tongue In Cheek". Maybe they're busy running spread sheets for the early morning seminar.

Anonymous said...

How do they get away with exaggerating the size of a home to such a degree? Boggles the mind.
I say exit "stage" left to all of those crappy furnishings. It's a good thing Vicki is in insurance as apparently she doesn't have one creative bone in her body. As for the show, the sneak preview article promised a touching scene where Jeanna and her daughter Kara consider an offer for a mother/daughter Playboy spread. Gahhhhhhhh

MCEIII said...

That show is garbage. Anyone who has lived in the better parts of OC a long time knows that it's pure BS. Just a few kooks living in total la-la land. Sad so many people buy into it.

Anonymous said...

One of the extras in the quarter million dollar pool was supposed to be an underwater volcano. maybe to erupt and take out the neighborhood so everyone can collect the insurance.

Anonymous said...

what a snooze casa gunvalson-o be.

why no kathy ireland lamps? all the rest of the hookers, er, wives, have them.

luke220 said...

After last night's show, Don can no longer be considered "the best husband." He came across as an abusive drunk last night- and Vicki boozes it up too. Maybe they were drunk when they bought this house??

Anonymous said...

this show and the republican snatches who star in it make me feel better about my life in every way.

the jaunty interior is enough to make any poor girl want bigger tits and a good face sanding-n-spackling.

how about the sales dude/hustler dad who kicked the bucket leaving his daughter to figure out a career in the energy drink business he'd started?

whenever they revisit the good man's wisdom and shared meals with his retarded paris hilton-like progeny at Johnny Rockets and such they tint the screen a slight sepia tone (that somehow matches vicki's palette choices)

writers strike, what writer's strike? who needs writers???

Lynn-E-D said...

HAHAHA!! Right on MAMA!!!

sister Mary Cheny said...

republican snatches? did someone say republican snatches?

my husband Heather Po and i will be right over!

Anonymous said...

Kid you not:
Saw that exact eyesore of a knight (Taiwan? Mexican?) in a shop window today -- $350 retail.

luke220 said...

Is she selling the house furnished? That's one house that shows better empty.

Anonymous said...

Well I have been to Tuscany and the houses I have seen are nothing like this,

It shows you can have loads of dosh, but not good taste

Anonymous said...

She needs to hire a stager who knows what normal people like. Plus someone should tell them real estate in South County is depreciating, not appreciating, expecially not with that decor..

Anonymous said...

even if you buy furniture at tarjay you can make sure that your wood tones match...

what happened?

Anonymous said...

Still for sale...Vicki put 10% down.

How do you say two mortgages?

Anonymous said...

I think the house is beautiful. Everyone wants to hate, but not me. I could only dream to have a house and all the little things inside there like that house and if I did I would be very thankful. Hating is a very ugly look on people, inside and out.

Anonymous said...

Vicki got carried away with the real estate market as many have. What she hasn't come to terms with is this house will be worth less, not more next year. In a rising stock or real estate marekt everyone can get rich by buying, especially with borrowed money. The downturn seperates the woman from the girls, and Vicki has just been lucky in business and real estate, she is clueless and not formally educated and it shows- very sad but entertaining. It's now off the market and she is behind on property taxes, so foreclure is coming, house might be worth $1.1 million is foreclosure. Vicky should stick to making cold calls to broker life insurace for outragous commisions. Could you imagine paying her commison to go online and find a life insurance policy? Coto insurance has been exposed as a rip off by her, she will be out of work there soon, a drunken crazy agent isnt a good image for Coto.

Anonymous said...

I predict both of Vicki Gunvalson's houses will be on the market this spring. She is way over the barrel with fiancial leverage trying to carry both of them, and based on the TV show her marriage appears to be over. Can you imagine the war of the roses that will occur when husband Donn just trys to get his fair share, after all the big house was his to begin with. Keep your powder dry, price are coming down everyday, and there will be some steals when these places go into foreclosure.

Anonymous said...

God, that house is a mess, glad to hear its off the market. Who is the hottest houswife? I can't believe so called professional woman think that running around with their hooters hanging out is the way to convey a professional real estate or insurance image. But I guess guys like me watch and think about squeezing one off in that ample housewife clevage, so brovo to Brovo for bringing those delicious Ta Tas into my home.

Anonymous said...

Has anyone smelled the inside of Vicki's houses? The Altimira house really smelled weird, it could have been that Harkey Firestein-like decorator who was living there, but its no wonder a house that smelled like that would not sell. Has anyone smelled her other houses? Could it be her perfume or some kind of incense or Potery Barn scent she sprays around. I heard of aroma therapy but this smell is odd, does her primary residence and lake house smell funny? Anyone know?

Anonymous said...

I smelled that smell in Altimira, my husband said it was the smell left after an exterminator has treated a residence. It was the smell of rodents decaying in the walls and under the floors. It dissapates after the rodents dry up in the walls and should not be a problem if the house continues to be redent free.

Anonymous said...

Uhhg! i've smelled decaying rodents, its not pleasant. I bet that pig of a decorator left food around or it was the previous owmer, because Viki seems to be a neat and clean freak. It's so sad she has to learn this tough lesson, but i'm sure the house will eventually sell at some price.

Anonymous said...

Rodent smells are nothing new, especially for the Altimira house. Everyone thinks you can subcontract everthing out these days, but owners need to keep a watchful eye. Someone left an unflushed bowel movement in everyone of my four toilets after am open house. These so called rich people in Orange County are down right nuts! I fired the agent after that nonesense.

Anonymous said...

That's so funny about the BMs in bathrooms at Open Houses. I have a friend who goes to Open houses with his wife and they try to have quickie sex in secluded portions beautiful houses, they find it exilerating. I'll have to tell him to have sex and take a dump in an Orange County house, to pay homage to these clueless sellers. when owners ask how the marketing is going she could measure activity by the amount of couples humping and taking dumps in a house, as thats all that will be happening until prices drope another 20-30%

Anonymous said...

I'd like to hump and dump in OC houses, sounds like fun and a great way to deal with the real estate downturn. Those money grubbing houswives are a drunken mess!!!

Orange County Real Estate Open House Hump and Dump Weekend- Coming soon!!!!

Anonymous said...

Forget leaving unflushed poops in the toilets of these people's houses. Go to a discrete area or slip between the sheets in one of their beds and squeeze one out! That's the only thing that will make these people realize that their lifestyle has "jumped the shark".

Anonymous said...

Forget the poop, blow some smooge into those sheets! These people are so busy and distracted they never blow loads in their beds or even their houses for that matter. Vicki has not had a smooge maker in her in years, and its why her marriage is on the rocks. These woman need more jism and less real estate talk, that's the only thing that will take them out of the tailspin that their lives have fallen into.

Blow more loads and pay less real estate taxes! Forget Vicki's insurance, it's a scam, unless the contracts have drips of sperm on them, they are not enforceable, and everyone knows there is not a drip of DNA or even a little smegma on her contracts!

Take that to the Orange County Sperm Bank, and make a deposit!

Anonymous said...

Thank you! It appears I'm not the only one who wants to lose a a loose stool in vicki's house. I'd like to make a load and paint fecal graffiti on her walls. That's the kind of positive influence she's had with her deranged orange cunty lifestyle. Has any of her houses sold yet mama and Dr cooter?

Anonymous said...

Just husked some corn, guess what I want to do with it?

Anonymous said...

Insert that cob and twist the night away! That's what Vicki's husband does to get off because she pays no attention to him. After dinner at the Gunvalson's there is not an eaten corn cobb in site, her husband has squirreled them away for his late night pleasure, when Vicki is passed out drunk- its so sad Mama!

Anonymous said...

Does anyone get a Lesbian vibe from Vicki? I think that's why she's lost interest in Donn! I be she's snagging some of those corn cobbs for herself and that snappy new assistant she had made over.

Anonymous said...

I dont know about gay, but someone in Orange County said she masterbates with a golf club after forcing a few golf balls up her ass. To each his own I guess, but if thats true its pretty far out there!

Anonymous said...

Vicki is a very insecure woman when she is around hot females younger than her! It is very disapointing, especially when Vicki invites these very women to events who are suppose to work as an agent! She is soo caddy and childish she makes a big scene and alienates them, gossips about them like a inferior, jealous, nutty batty highschool loser. Its sad. The "click" or losers who follow her ridiculousness are just no brain losers. I wonder why Jeanna stays friends with her. Donn has been over Vicki and when Vicki/cameras are not around Donn isnt shy to talk about it. When he is away from her he makes the most of his time with other women. He tolerates her for the money and business opportunites the show has brought him. Vicki was a huge disapointment. CAddy, 2 faced, gossiping over women she finds better looking than her! How can someone who is practically a grandma act so retarded!?

Anonymous said...

I'd like to smell Vicki's private parts. I bet they do not smell fresh!

Anonymous said...

I think they need to contact that show "Sell this House."

Anonymous said...

Vicki has nice big milk jugs for breasts, if she were younger she'd be a perfect wet nurse to send to Haiti to feed the orphan children.
Donn loves her and who could blame him, she is the warm milk maid of OC, God Bless her.