Monday, November 12, 2007

Catherine Bell Misses the Mark in Calabasas

SELLER: Catherine Bell
LOCATION. Garrett Court, Calabasas, CA
PRICE: $2,895,000
SIZE: 5,676 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Tuscan one-story in gated Mureau Estates on acre+ lot with huge flat lawns and serene mountain views. Moto court to domed entry and huge living room with beamed ceilings and hardwood floors overlooking verdant gardens. Huge master suite with walk ins plus 4 additional bedrooms with ensuite baths. Grand kitchen with stainless appliances and all the best! Complete "smart house" audio, video and lighting controls plus home theatre with electronic reclining seats.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Having earlier discussed celebrity Scientologists Beck and Marissa Ribisi's new Hancock Park house, Your Mama continues the theme with a discussion of the Calabasas casa of another celebrity Scientology couple, hot to trot actress Catherine Bell (Army Wives, JAG) and her huzband Adam Beason, a former stunt man who is currently "working in computers," whatever that means.

Property records show that the couple purchased their newly constructed 5,676 square foot "Tuscan" style house in May of 2005 for $2,580,000. Which means that at it's current asking price of $2,895,000, the hard bodied Ms. Bell and her computer savvy spouse will barely clear enough cash to pay a respectable mover to pack up and move their crap to another high end cookie cutter suburban dream house.

Located in a small gated enclave of 11 like-minded homes just outside the guard gated celebrity laden community of Hidden Hills, the single story house has five bedrooms, half a dozen bathrooms, a four car garage, a fancy kitchen with all the bells and whistles, a screening room, and no damn pool. No pool? What? People should be arrested and given a beat down for not putting swimming pools in the vast backyards of all these multi-million dollar mini mansions out in the blistering heat of the western suburbs. Three million clams for a house and you gotta use the public pool? Your Mama thinks not.

Even more troublesome about this property than the almost unforgivable lack of a swimming pool, is the location just outside the glittering gates of Hidden Hills. Your Mama feels deep in our prodigious gut that this house has a 2,000 square foot inferiority complex, and if this poor house could talk it would say, "I wish I could be an equestrian estate in fancy pants Hidden Hills like former teen idol Shaun Cassidy's 7 bedroom ranchette just below." But alas.

It goes without saying that Your Mama does not care for the faux Tuscan exterior extravaganza. We are also non-plussed by the interior spaces where it appears Miz Bell attempted (unsuccessfully) to act as her own nice gay decorator. The Bell/Beason place is not without some successes: We like the leather bar stools in the kitchen, that curved banquet in the breakfast area is entertaining (except for that hideous orange poof thing), the breakfast table itself has a pleasant organic quality, and the screening room works better than some of the tacky messes we often see in the homes of the rich and/or famous. We dig the burnt orange curtains in the living room, and for some strange and inexplicable reason that silly shiny white horse "sculpture" thing in the living room floats our boat.

Otherwise, we're sorry to say, the place is a bit of a mess. Do we start with the too small and ugly rugs in the master bedroom? How about with the motorcycle parked INSIDE the house despite the 4 car garage? Or do we begin with the flimsy and cheap looking pool table? Or how about the upsetting conversion of the garage into a home gymnasium? Ugh. And then there's that damn pot rack in the kitchen, which just chaps Your Mama hide. Children, you must learn to resist any and all temptations to hang pot racks in your homes. Please. Just say no!

If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, this house is more banal than offensive (except for the pot rack, which is just revolting), and we hope that Miz Bell will do herself a favor and hire herself a nice gay decorator to help her pull it all together and spice up her next home. We believe she's got some good instincts (she does understand the value of putting actual books in the living room, after all), but she needs some honing and guidance to smooth out some of those rough edged and ill advised decorating choices. Listen Cat hunny, if you need some help choosing a decorator, please let Your Mama know and we'll get you a long list of prospective home beautifiers willing to take on a too expensive suburban tract house.

Now, get Shaun Cassidy on the phone because Your Mama has a serious bone to pick with him.

18 comments:

pch said...

I get a kick out of Mama's swimming pool fetish.

Anonymous said...

Mama: What's your problem with Shaun? He's the apple of my eye from my teenage years and, unlike most child/teen stars, hasn't turned into a complete train wreck.

luke220 said...

I think Mama was referring to a different bone.

Anonymous said...

Oh, dear, it is a bit of a mess, isn't it? Very, very bad feng shui for poor Catherine and her hubby and maybe they don't even realize it? Of course, she's so damned gorgeous that her presence in the house probably cancels out a lot of that bad energy, but Catherine, Honey, pulease hire a _good_ designer for your next place so that you can truly relax and feel pampered and rejuvenated by your home! It's so worth it!

Anonymous said...

Mama,

I'd say that motorcycle isn't for actual riding. It appears to be a vintage scooter and is "art".

luke220 said...

I hope she hires new landscapers in addition to the interior decorators.

mr jones said...

the party is over people, save your cash cause we bout to have a crash !!!!!!!

Countrywide: downgrade could be crushing:

Mortgage lender says that a credit downgrade would severely impact its ability to raise money.

They can't pay their bills ? whaaat ?

What happened to their 270 billion cash that they said they had ?

Anonymous said...

All financial markets are cyclicle, Mr Jones. Just like the stock market goes up and down, the RE market will go up and down. Anyone in it for the long term will be just fine. I'm getting fed up with the black and white doomsday thinking shrieking about the sky falling. This is a healthy market correction for an overinflated market, it really needed to happen, it's a good thing, so just relax.

so_chic_darling said...

Mr Jones please talk to Mama's husband Dr Cooter.I believe that he has some wonderful new fangled medication to help with your worries.

daniel said...

Mama, you need to stop saying that Hidden Hills (just like it's little sister Bell Canyon) is so fabulous. Rocketdyne dumped so many chemicals out there in the 50's (because it was the boonies back then) that there is a noticeable increase in cancer in those communities, especially with the children. It is to the point that a well known brokerage had a little study done and needless to say that those who read that report will only take referrals on those properties, so they won't have to disclose it or risk being liable for not disclosing it. This is why those who know the area actually prefer Calabasas and Lake Sherwood.

Anonymous said...

why - in a house that size do you have to turn your garage into a gym....

Anonymous said...

why the cheap ass pool table. It looks like fisher price to me.

so_chic_darling said...

I'm going to ask a question that i have asked before.Are we at a restaurant in The Grove,or a Pottery Barn in Tampa?
Oh and can the Italian government do anything about it,like when they got that old shit back from the Getty?Can't they trademark the whole Tuscan thing keeping it in Tuscany where it belongs?Like the French did with Champagne.

Anonymous said...

Like daniel said Hidden Hills sucks, horrible area to live in, don't come here.
It's better to buy outside these gates of hell, just like Catherine did....

Christina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

These houses are quite sad, actually for the poor people that can't afford to buy inside the Hidden Hills gates, same goes for those Mountain View "Estates".

But NO POOL!!! That is just unforgivable!! I keep my horse nearby so I know how hot it gets there in the summer, believe me, I'm thanking God I can return to Malibu to escape my daily trek into the valley.

Aunt Mary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

The reason Folks like Calabasas and Mureau Estates is that you get a Huge One Story Home on a Flat Acre for under $600 per square foot. Your kids go to civilized schools where they can actually study and learn and can walk around without being assulted. Try getting that on the "Westside" for twice the price. It just won't happen.