Thursday, November 29, 2007

Livin' Large in Encino With Eddie Cibrian

SELLER: Eddie Cibrian
BUYER: Carlos Mencia
LOCATION: White Oak Avenue, Encino, CA
PRICE: $4,395,000 (list); $4,300,000 (sale)
SIZE: 6 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Newly renovated walled & gated celebrity owned Ranch Estate. Grand 2 story entry w/ wrought iron staircase. Ideal for entertaining, rooms are grand scale & open to spectacular luch tropical grounds w/ pool & spa. 2 master suites, FR / coffred ceilings, library, + home theater. Banquet sized FD & kitch w/ center isle, granite, Viking & SubZero SS appl. Spacious master w/ frplc, & ba with 2 walk-in closets, 2 showers (1 steam), spa tub. Travertine & hardwood floors + high ceilings. 6 car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh dear. Somebody please get Your Mama a silver spike that we can drive through the heart of the decorating demon who is responsible for this Encino mess that luscious looking actor Eddie Cibrian and his model wifey Brandi (with an "i," of course) call home. Dear Jeezis in heaven, Your Mama just prefers not to know that there are people in the world who actually want to live in houses with porte-cocheres meant to make the house look elegant and grandiose but really just make it look like a damn Ramada Inn.

According to property records, Mister Cuban American sexiness purchased this enormous 8,560 square foot house of horrors in May of 2002 for $2,020,000. According to listing information, the rambling and recently renovated six bedroom house includes eight bathrooms, a home theater, library, family room, two master suites (1 up and 1 down), and a banquet sized dining room. The vast second floor master suite features two walk in closets, a fireplace, and for some asinine reason, two showers. Shoved in the corner of the second rate porn set worthy bedroom we see one of those exercise bike abominations. 8,560 square feet of faux elegance and the Cibrians shove that sweat maker into the bedroom? Oh, hunnies, no. Yer a good looking and hard bodied couple who need lots of exercise to look hawt, but surely there's a better location for that contraption.

Since we first located this property a week or so ago, the status of the listing has been changed to "Looking for a Backup" which would indicate that the bee stung lipped slab of beef and his sexy mommy wife have found a buyer for their hive inducing residence.

Holy moly children, we don't mean to be haters. Y'all know we like to say something nice about all the properties we discuss, but sometimes that is just not possible and Your Mama is just too shaken and upset to continue damaging our eyes looking at this house. Well, okay, the backyard lagoon style lap pool with the tropical landscaping is pretty, but that arching bridge is simply not safe for the handicapped or booze imbibers.

Anyhoo, before we cozy up to our big bottle of Bombay in an effort to calm our frazzled nerves, let Your Mama offer Mister and Missus Cibrian and all the children some sage yet simple decorating advice. It is never, ever a good idea to drive the Hummer or whatever other big ass SUV you have out to the local mall and march in to Pottery Barn and shout, "I'll take it all!" Because unfortunately it ends up looking like this. There's nothing overtly offensive here, but there's also nothing interesting or compelling about the interior spaces either, which quite frankly is a decorating crime of the highest magnitude.

Now puppies, we must leave you and ring Louella Hopper, our dear old friend who has recently and thankfully returned from self imposed exile and who always provides Your Mama with moral support, guidance and the most sa-lay-shush and dee-praved gossip about the doings in the Platinum Triangle.

UPDATE: This property was purchased in late 2007 by comedian Carlos Mencia.

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hate the house, love the [soon to be former] owner. As soon as he wants to ditch the wife who was probably responsible for this mess, he can shack up with me.

Anonymous said...

Call me a tacky porn star but I like the house.

I like the pool in the backyard, I'm a big fan of the waterpark look (I know, ship me off to to Coto de Caza, I guess I'm white trash with money).

I like Eddie Cibrian, he seems like a really nice, decent guy. Hopefully he and his wife and their kids are going to an even better house!

Anonymous said...

Come on... That just has to be staged. No one decorates like THAT!

(do they?)

Anonymous said...

It took me a while, but I figured it out why those rich people in LA also are always so skinny and toned...It would take them just 30 minutes to walk from one end of their house to the other. That bedroom looks like it doesn't need the treadmill, walking to the bed, back to the bathroom and to the walk-in closet is exercise enough for the entire day. I guess I should get myself a 10K sqf house to work off all that is on top of my skeleton. Ahh, it's easy to be rich once you are rich....

Hippie Canyon said...

Eddie Cibrian is THEE hottest man, second only to Caveman. Unfortunately, this house looks like a Lance Bass wet dream! I would never have guessed such a masculine person as Eddie would have lived in this truly fucked up McMansion. Sorry. But sometimes I just let it rip. I guess I'm just bitter that after all my hard work being butch 24/7 it didn't do me one bit of good. He went and married HER anyway.

Anonymous said...

i recognize this house. this is the house that they shot the beverly hillbillies movie in. it looks very similar to the way the house looked when the movie was filmed. all you're missing is the clampett family and jethrine. (do they come with the place?)

big virtual hugs, sunny

Anonymous said...

I have no idea who the homeowner is, but this is one ugly house. Wait a minute. It might not even rise to the level of ugly house.

aunt mary said...

I like the dining room.

Sooooooooooooo_Chiiiiiiiiic_Darrrrrrrliiiiiiiiiing! Where are you? You must come home. Mama's fixin to run off with some show business man. She says she'll send for us when she gets settled in, but I think she's chased us up a tree. I'm scared.

Anonymous said...

Anon 5:58,

http://madeinbrazil.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/crushoneddie.jpg

Anonymous said...

That was weird, it cut of the last part of the url. Add

/crushoneddie.jpg

:-)

chillins #56 said...

Just as long as she doesn't leave "Auntie Louella" to babysit again. She always smells like cough syrup and moth balls.

so_chic_darling said...

It's OK Aunt Mary I'm back,no you can't kill an old sack of Judgmental shallowness just like that can you?
I loved the way my gal pal Ms frivolity wrote the murder story though,she does tend to make shit up,but some of the things she said were uncannily true!I had to have her cover for me and cause a commotion so that I could slip out of town without anyone knowing,having more than one passport helps,and so does having a Rothko on the library wall.Right Aunt Mary.Anyway they didn't get me and I'm not at my "junk" filled apartment.I'm hiding out with Zoila in Central America.When it's safe to return I will.Next stop a privately owned Galapagos island.

so_chic_darling said...

Did anyone hear anything about what happened to Old hag?t sounds like the DID get her.So sad,so very sad.

so_chic_darling said...

sorry my spelling's a little off,this pot down here is so strong and I have been very disturbed lately.

so_chic_darling said...

Oh and what the fuck was in that drink that Zoila's handsome nephew gave me 30 minutes ago.Oh weeeeeeeee.

so_chic_darling said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
aunt mary said...

Oh, So_Chic, finally! I didn't know you had a Rothko, too. What color is yours? Seriously, I used to think that Mr. Rothko was pulling our legs, until I was tutored by Simon Schama in his book and tee-vee show. The Power of Art is definitely worth reading for the dilettante like myself. His color "fields" were painstakingly created with many layers of glazing and many hours of musing as he smoked and contemplated his work in progress. Simon Schama (who I think is quite hot) said that as a gauche teenager he first saw a Rothko and was stopped in his tracks. I visited the National Gallery several years ago and sat in the Rothko room for quite awhile. Nothing happened. I wish I'd read Schama's book earlier. Now I know that Mr. Rothko wanted his paintings to have their own environment. He liked each to have it's own space and the light low. The educated viewer is drawn into the color field and pulled into another dimension of experience. I would never hang my Rothko over a sofa, even if it did match the throw pillows. XOXO's

aunt mary said...

To those who I haven't put to sleep and would like to view some Rothko collections online:
http://www.artcyclopedia.com/artists/rothko_mark.html

aunt mary said...

chillins #56, oh but she is! She's talking to Auntie Louella on the phone right now!

chillins #56 said...

I'm running away from home until Mama comes back. Last time, Auntie Louella touched my pee pee.

Layler said...

Oh, mama, it's not that bad, come on. It's fine, non descript, but a house that regular people could live in.

The facade and cul de sac entrance, and the big foyer are impressive, I see why he and his wife liked that. The rest is "blah," very middle America.

We Cuban Americans love color and gaudiness, so I'm very impressed by the owner's controlled attempt to furnish the house without too much color and flash.

I never heard of this guy, so I had to look him up in IMDB.com. I'm very surprised he could afford this house, as he seems to just be a regular working actor who does a few episodes of a show here and there. Maybe he's in over his head and that's why they're selling - got a little over ambitious with the mortgage.

For those of you who clog the comments with faux drama and storylines, just stop. It's silly. We don't need an education on Rothko or melodrama.

sugarhoneyicetea said...

All. That. Beige. Beige carpet, beige tile. Yikes!

Anonymous said...

Ms. Louella is back!
I'm so glad. I thought she had been abducted by the evil real estate police.
I've missed my gin and toast.
http://losangelesrealestateundercover.blogspot.com/

layler doesn't have a sense of humor said...

Layler, You are reading a blog written by a white man who goes by "Mama" and writes outrageous and over to top commentary on celebrities and their homes and you are going to expect the comments to be any less colorful??

If you don't like a comment, don't read it. No one is holding a gun to your head.

Christina said...

ew please tell me that is not a bean bag chair!

Sunny in San Jose said...

I just knew Mama was a guy! I love you so Mama, and I love Dr. C and the dogs and cat too! You are the best Mama a girl could have! I am so happy that you will have a teevee show, I could just wet mah pants. I love the side stuff people put in the comments, I am really gettin an edyucation. Don't ever stop the blog Mama, the comments are too rich.

Anonymous said...

Sunny, you missed Mama's tv debut a couple of months back? He was on a show about the most outrageous real estate for sale in the US.

He's a hottie. :-) Uh oh..here comes Dr. Cooter, I better run.

Anonymous said...

I remember seeing this house on a random drive thru tour of White Oak...I love Encino!

Sandpiper said...

The home facade from Beverly Hillbillys is in Bel Air. Correct me if I'm wrong. But really, who cares? It's all good fun.

Sandpiper said...

Errrr...that is, the original TV version.

Jaded Old Queen said...

Layler my dear please lighten up the stories are lots of fun and some are being penned by on strike writers letting off creative steam.I love reading them,if you don't pass them by.

aunt mary said...

My dear Layler, I couldn't begin to educate ANYONE on Rothko. I'm only recounting how I was educated. But thank you for the compliment.