Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Abbreviated House of Carnie Wilson

SELLER: Carnie Wilson and Rob Bonfiglio
LOCATION: Shirley Avenue, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $2,249,000 (reduced from $2,325,000)
SIZE: 4,491 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Celebrity owned breathtaking oasis S/ of Bl. Quiet pceful nghbrhd. Walled/gtd w/ cir dr. Lg frnt yd. Trd 1 sty rnch. 5 bd-5ba-4fp, crn mldngs-rcsd lgts. Plnt shutrs, hdw/travr flrs, surrnd sound. Fr. Drs, alrm sys. Lg cooks kit w ss appls, grnt, mpl cbnets, skylghts, wlk n pntry. Eat n kit, frml dr, lr w/ vltd bm clgs & nu cstm wndo bnch. Dn w/ 15 vltd clgs, extsv chry wd bltns. Look 2 mssv pklike yd w/ pl. Nu 1300 sf redwd deck, detchd bonus rm, mbdrm ste w/ fr drs, fp & lg wk n clst. Spa tub & h/h snks.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Carnie Wilson, the daughter of Beach Boy Brian Wilson used to have a career singing saccharine pop songs with her sister and childhood pal in Wilson Philips. Then she had a feel good talk show for about as long as it takes to heat up a pop tart. Then she got skinny with some sort of surgical procedure. Now she writes self help and cook books based on her experience as a fat and depressed woman. She's married to session and touring musician Rob Bonfiglio who also plays the guitar in a little known band called The Skies of America.

All due respect to these two hardworking E-list celebrities, but we find them immensely uninteresting and Your Mama can barely muster the energy required to discuss their traditional and shockingly uninteresting Tarzana home. Property records reveal that the couple bought the 4,491 square foot South of Ventura Boulevard house back in January of 2004 for $1,510,000, and despite having put in a "nu cstm wndo bnch" and "Nu 1300 sf redwd deck," they have recently put their 5 bedroom and 5 bathroom single story suburban sprawler on the market for $2,249,000.

Your Mama freely acknowledges that the Wilson/Bonfiglio home does have a few nice features such as the vaulted beamed wood ceilings in the living and family rooms, the skylight in the kitchen, and the large deck at the back of the house. However, we would like to suggest that in the future Miz Wilson not rely on her own paltry interior design skills to decorate and furnish her future home(s). Fake greenery atop the kitchen cabinets? Hunny, no. That big brown leather sectional sofa? Well that just makes Your Mama's heart ache. No, it's not all bad inside. Really, it's not. But Miz Formerly Fat could use the hand and eyes of an expert to assist her in purchasing properly proportioned rugs, how to mix and match patterns effectively, and how to successfully resist placing family photos and depressing decorative plates on top of tall armoires. Because dear, hunny, nobody but professional basketball players can see up there.

Most people East of Pasadena had prolly never heard of Tarzana until the stereotypically suburban San Fernando Valley town was launched into the stratosphere of world-wide gossip when the terrifically troubled mommy Britney Spears shaved her damn dingbat head at some random hair salon in Tarzana. Other celebrity and quasi-celebrity residents of Tarzana include Brit's ex Kevin Federline, lady killer Wilmer Valderama, Jaime Pressly and porn star Crystal Ray who has performed in such cinematic wonders as Camel Toe Jockeys and Anal Bandits 4.

One last thing. Your Mama really tries to keep off the back of real estate agents, there are more than enough people who just love to vilify and slander them. But we are mortified with the excessive abbreviation used in the description of this property. Certainly only the most hard core real estate freakos will be able to make sense of that hieroglyphic like chicken scratch, and in this increasingly difficult real estate market Your Mama recommends less abbreviation and more complete sentences. Just a thought.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

momma wytf are u up so early great post

Anonymous said...

very nice. i expect an insurance agency owner and his church lady wife to snap it up in a jiffy - plenty of room for the miniature poodles.

Anonymous said...

Well, I don't need to do my daily crossword now 'cause I've had this puzzle to solve. :-) The house isn't so bad! Needs some pop with the furniture and decorations, but the architectural modifications are very pretty for a ranch. Aside from the uninspired decorating, I like how unpretentious this place is, and love the idea of sprawling out over 4,000 sf on one level. Much, much nicer space than a lot of celebrity homes, particularly in comparison to the ghastly OC house from yesterday. (Shiver ...) I had nightmares about that one last night ...

luke220 said...

Mama,

Full words cost money and in this soft real estate market the ad budgets have been slashed!

Aunt Mary said...

Good morning mama, I think you are still recovering from the suit of armor and pussy willows and just couldn't muddle through the abbreviated hyperbole. My eyes glaze over when I encounter the jargon. The kitchen plants are awful. They are probably fake. But I don't like any plants indoors. Only cut flowers. I don't want the work, the leaf litter and the bug breeding ground.

A kitchen should be a lean mean cooking machine. Let the artistry be displayed on the plate for the palette.

Anonymous said...

Carnie probably put that stuff way up high (I donno about the plants though) for child proofing, just like she had to ruin the lovely looking pool by putting a gate around it.

so_chic_darling said...

Ranch dressing

pch said...

I like Tarzana -- nice big lots, trees everywhere and rambling ranch houses. If I had to live in the Valley it would probably be there.

Anonymous said...

I have to LOL at the pictures on a tall armoire because you could find that in my own home right now! Nor surprisingly, I love the house and the interior.

Anonymous said...

Finally, a celebrity house that anyone could happily live in. Aside from a few misguided decorating choices (some of which are undoubtedly baby proofing measures) this house is fantastic. I've always liked ranch houses on big lots with beautifully landscaped yards. This house is all that and a bit more. Lots of natural light, lovely white exterior. Just fantastic!

Cake said...

Carnie's mama does/has engaged in some real estate hustling, perhaps she is the one responsible for such abbreviant foolery.

Dingus McCrackenberry said...

That white piano has got to go.

Maybe they could sell it to the porn-star neighbor for the set of Anal Bandits 5!

Marc Jacobs' Other Ho said...

I'm just curious... If I didn't see Anal Bandits 1-3, will I be able to follow volume 4?

Anonymous said...

Probably not.....bummer.

Anonymous said...

It's listed for "2,325,00"? She even abbreviated the price!

Heksje said...

Oh, please. There's nothing wrong with this house except the snobbery factor - if it were in LA proper you'd be talking about how charming and cozy it is (and be looking at a whole lot less backyard.)

While I agree about those tacky plants in the kitchen, the rest of the house doesn't look any more boring than 85-90% of the houses I've seen here.

caveman said...

i can see myself grillin & chillin on that back deck.
i like it, space & privacy.
it reminds me of a ranch i've got my eye on whenever i unload the 2 story monstrosity i own now.
steak, shrimp & ribs,(after you decorate it of course) for all you girls when i finally get it.

Anonymous said...

caveman, you actually believe there are any real *girls* on this site? LOL.

caveman said...

absolutley, & i believe its a state of mind, i don't make the rules, just going with the flow, relax, this is a good, fun, informative blog.

Sandpiper said...

1:08

Girls? Of course there are girls, and boys, and realtors, and agents, an media, and, and, and. It's late, I'm tired, and you're an ass.

Anonymous said...

sandpiper,

You're the ass. I made a joke (hence the "LOL"). Get a grip and I don't mean on your tiny dick. (not joking now).

Anonymous said...

Guess what? It's up for sale AGAIN:
listed August 31, 2010 for $1,890,000
Hey, at least her mama (the listing agent) didn't go crazy with the abbreviated description (but the all caps have GOT TO GO.) Nice house, tho.
http://realestate.yahoo.com/California/Tarzana/shirley-ave:7363be193da44a1bf6b0f2c7377c215a