Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Hilton's Summer House of Horrors

OWNERS: Rick and Kathy Hilton
LOCATION: Fordune Drive, Water Mill, NY
PRICE: $400,000 (MD-LD)
SIZE: 6 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...The grounds are secluded wand the home feature a large living room with fireplace and French doors leading to a large screened porch. There is a large library with fireplace, a large in in kitchen and large formal dining room. The ground floor also features a den and a master suite. The second floor features a a large master bedroom and bath, 2 additional bedrooms with baths and a large office/den space. The is also a 2 bedroom, 2 bath suite accessed by separate staircase. The lower level features a large den and several staff bedrooms with baths...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Let's all get in our mental time machines and go back to late 2007 when a dee-lishusly scandalous article in Vanity Fair magazine reported that Rick and Kathy Hilton, proud parents of tabloid celebutards Paris, Nikki and Barron, leased their house near Southampton, NY for the 2007 summer season to a tenant who was bitterly unhappy with the bedraggled condition of the property. One of Vanity Fair's chatty and catty sources, an unnamed someone who claimed to have been inside the sprawling house, went so far as to declare, "Everything in it is moldy and filthy. Most of the screens on the windows are broken. Their dogs are obviously not house-trained. But they don't see it. These are people whose daughter has sex on a tape, and they think that's fine."

Oh dear. Ouch.

Given that real estate beat down in the mainstream media, Your Mama would have imagined that Mister and Missus Hilton would have sooner sold the house than to lease it again to a stranger who might tattle to the press about their impressions of the property. But alas, like their heat seeking pap magnet daughter Paris, the elder Hiltons appear to be gluttons for public punishments too. That's right puppies, much to the surprise–and delight–of Your Mama, the Hiltons and their big shingled house in Water Mill are back at the summer rental rodeo. Those gossipy gals who pen the Real LI column at Newsday recently revealed that Mister and Missus Hilton have put their summer house in the Hamptons up for a Memorial Day to Labor Day summer lease with an asking price of $400,000.

Property records indicate Mister and Missus Hilton scooped up their fully hedged 2.7 acre estate on Fordune Drive in September of 1999 for $2,385,000. Although listing information states the house is approximately 10,000 square feet, records show the house measures just 6,994 square feet. Your Mama will posit with no authority or actual knowledge that the additional square footage is probably located in the finished basement.

The main rooms, according to listing information, include a double-height entrance hall with a gently curving staircase and a few fake flower accents, a living room that seems to be trying–and failing miserably–to appear as if it had been done up by chintz queen Mario Buatta, a dining room with two large round tables and one too tiny chandelier, a library/den with a fireplace and blood red walls, and an eat in kitchen that Your Mama is petrified to even think of because we feel deep in our snarky heart that not only is it depressingly dated, but we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that there's a grotesquely giant pot rack swinging from the ceiling.

According to listing information, there are six bedrooms and 7.5 bedrooms spread throughout the house. There is a main floor master suite as well as a second master suite on the second floor where there are two additional bedrooms with private poopers. Above the 3-car garage and accessible by a separate staircase are two more bedrooms with private poopers. Down in the finished basement, according to listing information, is a large "den" and several "staff rooms" and baths.

While the day-core of the entire Hilton house is a vicious assault on Your Mama's delicate decorative sensibilities, the basement is where the horror comes to its full fruition. Admittedly, we have a sincere and strong aversion to any finished basement, but this one is beyond the pale. Clearly no nice gay decorator has ever stepped foot in that basement with its disturbing dropped ceiling and painted red floor. And let's not even discuss the Pinocchio figurine on the étagère, the bizarre profusion of fake flowers, the sofa set and coffee table that look to Your Mama like they were dragged home from the damn dump, or those dark and deeply depressing "staff rooms." If Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter told our imperious housegurl Svetlana that she would be staying in one of those dank looking basement bedrooms, beehawtcha would surely sneak upstairs in the middle of the night and slit our throats.

The grounds of the Hilton estate include a circular drive, a sport court, a free form swimming pool and vast stretches of flat green lawns. The property sits a short skip from Fowler Beach, a sugar sandy spot widely known among Hamptonites as one of the places fancy gays gather to sunbathe. Why Missus Hilton doesn't just pop down there and snag one of the many nice gay decorator types laying around in their itty bitty bathing suits to give her a hand doing up her house is beyond our comprehension.

In addition to their in desperate need of a do-over hideaway in the Hamptons, Mister and Missus Hilton also own a recently rebuilt estate on swank Copa de Oro Road in Bel Air, CA which records show they purchased in March of 2004 for an undisclosed amount of money. The Hiltons occupied a large suite at the Waldorf Astoria for many years, but Hotel Harry tells us they vacated their lavish rooms at the super swish Manhattan hotel back in 2002.

54 comments:

Princess Shotsavodka said...

am i that drunk or did all the previous comments evaporate?

Your Mama said...

We had a technological snafu people and all your high-larious comments got deleted. We're very sorry.

Princess Shotsavodka said...

thank god, darling. I though maybe the Hiltons had you whacked.......

Anonymous said...

In that case - I'm sure it was mentioned before, but it has to stay on the record that those are for sure hotel liquidation couches.

Village said...

It's a rental people. When I was growing up, we had two beach houses, one we used and one we rented to pay for both. The rental was furnished in a way it didn't matter how many people or children showed up. It couldn't be destroyed. But is wasn't pretty. It was all the left over furniture from our house and all our friends. That's what this house looks like as well.

And Paris has a pretty twat.

Anonymous said...

I hear it plays songs.

Anonymous said...

Mama please show us something pretty as an antidote. I am not feeling well after seeing this.

Anonymous said...

And the outside looks so pretty!

Anonymous said...

Wow...YUCK...bad taste is an understatement

myblackfriendsays said...

I would expect there to be higher quality photos for a listing like this.

raybreg said...

Hey Mama,

One of your better posts of late! I nearly peed my Bjorn Borg shorts after reading what Svetlana would think of the place!

love, Ray

Anonymous said...

These are tacky people, people!! Money doesn't buy, class, taste or any sophistication! I'll bet the house they live in is no better. Tacky, dirty, and disgusting; describes the whole clan!!

Anonymous said...

noooo my old comment got deleted... im assuming your server couldnt handle the millions of people that clicked on the link from perezs site....haha that house if awful! i remember when they filmed kathys i want to be a hilton show, they never showed the inside of the house, just the front yard, now i understand why...

StPaulSnowman said...

Mama..........fess up........this had to have been your April Fools post. The gut wrenching abomination that is this place has sent poor Sandpiper to her local emergency room for an eyewash and sedatives. I have no doubt that LGB will also require medical attention. I can only assume that the interiors were the prize winning entry from the local reform school decorating contest. I can hear them shrieking in Malibu all the way out here in Minnesota.

Princess Shotsavodka said...

st paul darling it made me relapse...................

Babe "mind like a steel trap when absolutely unnecessary" Parish said...

ahh! i thought i had offended someone! :P
hmmm let's seee, i believe i said somethin
like..."it seems like the deeper you go into the bowels (and i do mean that literally) of the Hilton's House of Horrors, the decor and atmosphere get scarier and scarier. i will now share with thee the lyrics from one of my favorite Ramones songs in it's entirety, and here it is:
---
I Don't Wanna Go Down To the Basement
by: the Ramones

Hey, daddy-o
I don't wanna go down to the basement
There's somethin' down there
I don't wanna go
Hey, Romeo
There's somethin' down there
I don't wanna go down to the basement

--------

God bless the Ramones, proof positive that less is definitely more.

p.s. what the heck are they thinking with the two baker's racks flanking the giant screen tv???

Cuddles Kovinsky said...

God, Francine, hasn't he ever heard of the Hilton?

StPaulSnowman said...

Principessa Shotsa..........You sheets are barely cool at the Betty Ford Resort. Try to focus on something amusing.....like Mr. Cage's hair.

thevinylvillage said...

The exterior is lovely...the rooms on the upper floors dont look like they've got anything wrong that a few gallons of paint and new furniture couldnt fix.

But that basement!

400,000 big ones for a summer under a drop ceiling?? Not in this lifetime.

Anonymous said...

Mama, You know Perez has linked to this story?

thevinylvillage said...

and Im not to be confused with "village" above there.

I dont know from Paris' twat

pch said...

Those last four photos look like some good-hearted person tried to make a shelter feel more home-like.

Anonymous said...

OMFG. the original comments were PRICELESS. I was literally dying laughing at some. I hope all of the children can remember what they wrote...

lil' gay boy said...

Oh, Christ; for a moment I thought I was experiencing stigmata, but it was just my clenched fingernails digging into my palms...

I have to laugh at the dinky guard house at the entrance to such a swank community; does Frodo cast a spell if you try and peek over Miss Kathy's hedge?

The "decorators" seeing-eye dogs should be taken out back and mercifully put down; not to mention the "architect" ––– no doubt some former Robert Graves student who failed his course when he refused to give that troll a blowjob.

"...like Mr. Cage's hair."

What hair?

Katie said...

Wonder what they're hiding under the bedsheet-covered, glass-topped table(s) in the dining room.

Cartons of Paris's Valtrex, maybe.

lil' straight girl said...

The red floors say it all.

Hot Sauce said...

anybody want to spend the summer here at Bel Reve? (that's what me and Cracker call the doublewide!) We can fix up the shed for y'all for $400 , long season! We got a big blow up kiddie pool, too. We got a drop ceiling that ain't quite as low as The Hiltons. We do have one of them Miele dishwashers cause we read about it on Mama's blog and I won heavy at bingo one week so we figured what the hell let's splurge! Had to order the damn thing from Dallas......

Anonymous said...

OMG, are those knick knacks on the wall? knick knacks? If That red bedroom had a daybed instead, I would swear it looks like my local church. All it needs is a crucifix between the curtains.
This is the ultimate C.I.A.rendition house. Those basement bedrooms look like prisoners were handcuffed and tortured in them. Is that a red floor or dried blood?
I need to know who rents this place, it will be the stupidest person in America.

The Dingman Group said...

Great Story! I enjoyed reading this write-up. The photos do seem a bit low quality...

thcgirl77 said...

Ugly and tacky interior design!

Anonymous said...

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=watermill.+ny&sll=40.707252,-74.006452&sspn=0.116595,0.2211&ie=UTF8&ll=40.891857,-72.354938&spn=0.000908,0.001727&t=h&z=19

Anonymous said...

I feel like doing a big turd on that lawn.

Also Paris has no idea how to give a BJ.

bentley said...

The front hall looks like one from a suburban mcmansion circa 1984, or the one from Fargo.

Agreed that the grounds are very pretty, if unimaginative, but inside...

This is just the worst house.

Anonymous said...

The inside looks like Grey Gardens, but without the inherent style and flair.

Anonymous said...

What amazes me is the audacity of people like this, it is well known that Rick Hilton owns his own Real Estate Brokrage and sells to some high end folks back on the west coast and KNOWS what it means to stage a home to get the best bang for your buck. Now people with the way that the Hamptons has seen a dive the likes of the Titanic you would think that he would say "hey Kathy maybe we should spruce the place up so that we get the damn house rented huh" NO the level of arrogance that exudes from this family is mind boggling.

Anonymous said...

People prefer doing business with Jeff Hyland (his business partner) than Rick.

Rick's house in Bel Air is a eye sore and with the millions he makes from commission and selling Brenwood estates it just shows he is a tight ass.

Anonymous said...

My God .... What do you people want???? After all it is only four hundred thousand for the entire season. A decent suit costs 40,000.00 now. At that price having the entire place redone by your own fancy gay decorator is a bargain!
No one understands the plight of the rich ... or cares!
I just love all the features it features and can easily feature myself featuring lovely dinners all season long that will certainly be featured in the feature section of many sunday papers.

Anonymous said...

Anon 7:00 AM. You are so right. It's like an enormous f**k you. I wouldn't be surprised if the house is exactly as it was when they were sued a couple of years ago over the condition, that they did ZERO to improve the situation aside from some Lysol mold and mildew spray here and there. Then they have the nerve to use these pictures detailing the atrocious decor, and to glibly price it at $400,000 MD-LD! What a joke. That would be a joke on them because they ain't gonna rent this year at half that price. They know that, but they have no shame so they'll try anyway.

Oh, and if even they thought the kitchen was too awful to picture, then you know it must be really, really bad news. And btw, the kitchen in a Hamptons house is the center of summer life.

Anonymous said...

7:32

Shit stirrer. You're not trying to do anything but get people to flame you for your asinine statements. Let's ignore that children.

Anonymous said...

7:32 was joking. It's unclear whether or not you are too. Hope so!

Anonymous said...

There's something desperately wrong. Why do I have the gnawing feeling that these are NOT the real photos? I can't belive that the Hiltons would be this stupid. Especially since he has a real estate firm! There's something more to this than meets the BLEEDING eye. Mama, honey, put on your detective outfit....

Anonymous said...

7:32 - ...your own gay decorator. Interesting concept. If I was in the market for this rental, I think I'd ask to pay MORE if they'd empty the crap out of the basement for the season.

A few trips to the local Goodwill could furnish it better than this.

This place reminds me of a movie set or frat house. Beautiful from the curb, but an entirely different story when you open the door.

StPaulSnowman said...

Why does the decor make me yearn for the days of Wayne and Garth?

Anonymous said...

$400,000 is a steal.
You get a free case of herpes with the lease courtesy of Paris herself and as many frozen burritos as you want courtesy of her boyfriend.

Anonymous said...

$400,000 for this crap? That is the worst interior ever. Like, real bad.

Anonymous said...

Bob Evans did the decor.

lucy said...

Somebody got a discount over at Waverly, years ago.

Anonymous said...

looks like barbie, my little pony and ironman all threw up on the same heap!

ZR said...

this would have been a much more intelligent post, if it weren't for your stereotypical portrayal of interior decorators. you don't have to be gay to decorate.

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha. have a sense of humor zr...it's the stereotype that's being made fun of.

Anonymous said...

i would be less embarrassed by my daighter's sex tape than having these pics shown to the world!

Anonymous said...

Just so you know, Fordune technically lies within Southampton. At least the Hilton house does.

Anonymous said...

the inside of the house is awful!

Anonymous said...

Admit it LOL you all wish you had that 10,000 square ft mansion with a pool in the Hamptons.

It looks fabulous in design and the location is very desirable.

Jealousy is a very sad emotion which people try to camouflage through criticism.