Friday, April 10, 2009

The Beige and the Brown

SELLER: Miguel and Yulanda Núñez Jr.
LOCATION: Brewster Drive, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $1,750,000
SIZE: 2,754 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Almost a full acre & gorgeous panoramic Valley and City light views from almost every room of this spacious home plus 1,000 sq. ft. guest house all on a very private gated site. The living room features high beamed ceilings, hdwd flrs & walls of windows opening to the expansive patio, sparkling pool, spa & huge yard–all overlooking the Valley floor. There are 3 bdrms., 3 baths, den/office & gym plus very spacious Family rm. & large detached GH w/ bath & kitchen.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Every now and then Your Mama peruses the listings in some of the less glittery zip codes of Los Angeles. More often than not, we hit celebrity real estate pay dirt as we did when we landed up on the long time Tarzana home of actor Miguel Núñez currently listed for sale with an asking price of $1,750,000.

Although Mister Núñez is hardly a household name, his long list of boob-toob credits include a recurring role on the quickly cancelled sit-com Joey and a number of episodes of Tarzan. His film roles have been in such cinematic gems as Kickin' It Old Skool, Return of the Living Dead and Juwanna Mann.

Property records show Mister Núñuz and his wifey Yulanda purchased their near 1-acre mini-estate on Brewster Drive in October of 1997 for $588,000. The two story ranch style main house sits at the top of a long and gated celebrity style driveway and measures 2,754 square feet and, according to records, includes 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms all dee-pressingly done up in about 49,000 shades of beige and brown. Listen children, Your Mama ain't got a problem with brown or beige and we are well aware that a monochromatic color scheme can be effectively thrilling. However, that is clearly not the case here.

Anyhoo, the formal living room features some shiny wood floors, a peaked and beamed ceiling and a fireplace that has been rather ridiculously placed in the corner of the room. The beamed ceiling continues into the dining room which has a slate tile floor and a wall of windows opening to a terrace. The kitchen appears large enough and offers a good amount of counter space. Plus, we appreciate the Viking range and what appears to be a Miele dishwasher, but holy goddam, what in the world is going on with the institutional beige paint and that poor cabinetry that's trying and failing to look like some tired ol' country kitchen? Pleeze.

The master bedroom, where all the Núñez magic happens, is filled with even more, ugh, brown things and...oh, forget it. Y'all get the's brown. It's all brown. What more is there to say besides it's brown?

Listing information indicates the 1-bedroom guest house, located about half way up the long driveway, measures 1,000 square feet and includes a kitchen and bathroom, hardwood floors and an air conditioner that's vented out the window in the kitchen. Now children, we know for a fact that temperatures in Tarzana can bake the paint right off a big bodied Benz and having the a/c is necessary. But surely, there is a better solution than this.

Your Mama hasn't any idea why Mister and Missus Núñez are selling their house or where they might be going. And frankly, we don't care because we do not need or want to know what property they'll next be punishing with all their beige and brown things.


Anonymous said...

I hate to be a dick but nobody that reads this site gives a flying fuck about this house. Why would you even waste your time on this piece of shit? I am truly disappointed.

Anonymous said...

Ok, so it's brown and biege, easy to change. After seeing all the crap for 5 million, ten million, ad nasuem. what a reilef to see a realistic home that really is pretty sweet. I mean that dude in the bird streets wants 5 million for a glorified guest house, and here's a REAL house PLUS a guest house for under 2 million.
I personally would love this place, and although I am titillated by BIG NAMES the real esate portion of this blog is where it's at for me. Mama keep doing what you're doing. Every damn house you show does not have to be A list owned. Rock on!

Anonymous said...

oh shit, i just realized this house is in tarzan! i retract the above comment!

Anonymous said...

Good lord. If this is what the children think of Tarzana, I wonder what they think of their own neighbor keeping those 6 dogs living under the doublewide?

Anonymous said...

He's had a wife up in this place for over ten years, and this is the best she can do for him? I think the reason they're selling may be that he's decided to divorce her ass!
On a more serious note, I think these pictures may reveal their idea of staging the house. I just can not bring myself to believe they lived there for that amount of time and ended up with what we are seeing here.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, I don't mind beige and brown in homes but this one shows particularly blah. In general, I can't stand white walls and some of these bright colors people choose I can't stand to look at or be near either.

Anyhow, the kitchen cabinets are awful and the flat screen is practically shoved against the top of the ceiling. Odd.

I do like the fact that it's on a gated acre though. Everything else can be changed but the ability to shut everyone out and off is great.

Anonymous said...

tarzan's not so bad. i detoxed there in 91.

Anonymous said...

Delux tool shed with windows, though most tool sheds would be envious of such a plush ceiling.

Anonymous said...

Take the 1 and the 7 off the price of this house and now we are talking.

Anonymous said...

The house haters are slipping (or nipping in Mama's G&Ts). No one is going to comment on the portable air conditioner with the ductwork stuck through the window in the last photo?

Village said...

I guess they bought it for the pool.

Anonymous said...

They could have done better with the furniture and the placement. It must be staged or something--to live there for 10 plus years there is really nothing in there, and def nothing personal or *warm* about this place.

Man, that fireplace way in the corner with nothing gathered around it really throws the whole room off. That contrasting cabinet concept--really the experiment did not work out and only made the doors look really cheap.

The A/C thing in the guest house--I'm sure the put central in there or a window unit cut into the wall somewhere high would have been better. I don't like all the extreme contrast white paint trim in most of the rooms and exterior. Really, this home would be better mid century modern or 50's traditional decor---cuz that's what it is. Be true to the house.


Mama was right on this one, not horrible, fixable with paint and your own furnature.

Mama's black sheep in WEHO,

Still being good!

Anonymous said...

I doubt it's staged because you can see a plastic bin stuffed under the bed in the master.

The bed under the window with the drapes drawn in just awful.

But, this is a cute house and everything, including the kitchen cabinets, can be painted! I'd take it in a second!

Anonymous said...

mama, in response to every one of your decorative complaints:

welcome to the valley

if you don't believe, go next door, ask the owners to let you in

go down the street

hop over to woodland hills, encino, or some parts of sherman oaks

the horrid mistakes of the cheap home "despot" slate flooring in the kitchen, the affront of beige items, beige paint, and unconscionably bad beige faux-ed kitchen cabinets will be repeated many times over

complaining about this house in tarzana is like going into red lobster (perhaps joe's crab shack) and being surprised the seafood isn't fresh

the sad thing is that many of these houses have great bones, this one for instance was built in 53 and has a great engagement of the site

unfortunately, there's something about the valley mentality that makes people turn these gems of modern residential architecture into tacky beige mini-ramadas

in short, i saw an eichler in granada hills, and somebody put pillars around the front door...

Anonymous said...

if you work in the porn industry the valley is great. easy commute.

Anonymous said...

Mama, I know you hate the swag type drapes, but I think they'd be better than what's in the master bedroom - 50 lbs of fabric draped on a 1/4" rod so it sags in the middle.

Most of what's wrong with this place could be fixed in a weekend with a Goodwill truck to take away the furniture and several gallons of paint.

LOVE the pool area.

Anonymous said...

I like the beamed ceilings but hate everything below them. It's all so cheap and ordinary looking.

The "guest house" is nothing but a storage shed - and one has to pass it to get to the main house? How pretty.

The exterior has a certain Cliff May look to it, which I like, but it's been junked up. The bones of this place are good - a gut job and redo with clean, modern, quality fixtures and furnishings would do wonders. The pool is perfect, though.

Anonymous said...

Love the pool area.
That looks like a dehumidifier in the guest house kitchen.

Anonymous said...

The house itself isn't so bad but the decor is awful. I don't think that's real slate in the kitchen and I'm pretty sure that the thing at the end of the bed in the Master is from Pier 1. Seriously? Just ugly. Isn't it bad enough that you live in the Valley but you have to have an ugly house too?

Brenda said...

The house itself isn't so bad but the decor is awful. I don't think that's real slate in the kitchen and I'm pretty sure that the thing at the end of the bed in the Master is from Pier 1. Seriously? Just ugly. Isn't it bad enough that you live in the Valley but you have to have an ugly house too?