Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Pacman's Palace

SELLER: Pacman Jones
LOCATION: North Chapel Road, Franklin, TN
PRICE: $1,799,950
SIZE: 5,845 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Pacman Jones Estate on 30 acres with a private 2 acre lake with boat docks. Huge 8 stall horse barn...Massive compound with 3 homes...This is the ultimate property in Middle Tn...Less than 2 miles to interstate 65. Priced well below market value.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Quick. Somebody bring Your Mama the nerve pills. The big ones.

We have been getting emails about this ass-uglee property since late last week (and it's now been reported far and wide), but given our recent technological ish-oos Your Mama has been way-layed and delayed in bringing the children up to date on the Franklin, TN estate of Pacman Jones that was recently put on the market for $1,799,900.

As someone who spends considerable time and energy flipping the channel away from ESPN and Monday Night Football, Your Mama didn't have a clue who the curiously named Pacman Jones is or what he does that warrants him be labeled a celebrity. Thankfully, a gorgeous gal who calls herself Redneck Reba informed Your Mama that Mister Pacman is not a video game character like we imagined, but rather he's a professional football player and titanic trouble magnet who plays a position called cornerback–whatever that is–and was recently traded from the Nashville Titans to the Dallas Cowboys. The young man was also recently whacked by the po-po for allegedly smacking some ladee in the face in an Atlanta strip club. Whaaat?! And children, this was apparently not the first time the young man got into trouble with the law or, in fact, the first time he was reported to be linked to a serious strip club kerfuffle. Lawhd have mercy, this man would do well to stay away from any and all establishments that serve liquor and utilize greased poles as day-core.

Anyhoo, now that Mister Pacman will be moving to Dallas (or perhaps he already has), he's no longer in need of this 30.36 acre spread in rural and famous folk friendly Franklin, TN that property records reveal he purchased in July of 2006 for $1,575,000 from ack-tress Andrea Fry and writer/producer Michael Zomber, a couple of industry people with itty bitty resumes on the Internet Movie Data Base.

When Redneck Reba first contacted Your Mama she asked, "Have you seen the ugliest house in Franklin, TN yet?"

And Your Mama thought, innocently, "How bad can it be?"

Well children, as you can see, it's about as bad as it can be.

Nobody, and we mean no-bah-dee, including Your Mama or our ball crazy pal Fiona Trambeau–a tart who knows intimate things about men who play with balls for a living–expects a professional football player in his early twenties flush with fat paychecks from the Tennessee Titans to live tastefully. But Jeezis, Mary and Joseph does every room need to have puffy black leather furniture and a behemoth wall mounted, porn ready boob-toob?

We recognize that Mister Pacman may not have been inclined to hire himself a nice gay decorator to help him out with his selection of lamps and couch cushions, but couldn't he have at least asked for a little decorating help from Tawny Tweenerlegs down at the local Strip and Bowl? Seriously.

Granted, the grounds are gorgeous, bucolic and horsey and we do love the private lake which we feel would be a lot less corny and Disneyland-ish if someone flipped the switch to turn off those silly fountain things. But the brick built house is, well, we don't mean to offend anyone, but it's an absolute disaster. In addition to the 5,875 square foot main house with it's 5 bedrooms and 4 full and 2 half bathrooms there are two other residences with untold numbers of bedrooms, bathrooms and black leather couches. In all serious, this would be an excellent home for a man with two or three wives. Or perhaps a woman with two or three huzbands...as Judy Tenuta would say, "It could happen."

That's all we have to say on the matter since any more would have us laid out under the table passed out from the hideosity and the gin and tonics. And that won't do because Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have reservations at a ridiculously expensive but dee-lishusly tasty Mexican restaurant tonight and we want to be sober for the experience...at least when we get there.

We're sure some of you are wondering where Mister Pacman is living now that he's a Texan by profession. Well, we could look it up and ask our people in Dallas, but puppies, we just do not want to know that this man is out there buying and filling up some gigantic house in the suburbs of Dallas with more big beds covered in black fabric, nailing a dozen or more flat screen boob toobs to the walls and sticking a giant hot tub out on the deck in the back.

23 comments:

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StPaulSnowman said...

This first comment reminds me of the first mosquito of a Minnesota summer. Welcome home Mama and siblings......almost smells like a new car here!

bentley said...

Egads! That brick arch with the sofa neatly tucked underneath it makes me laugh, hard. The counter and stools facing what, a wall? Super. The morgue, excuse me, bathroom, makes me want to jump out the window.

Is construction complete here?

I do like the staircase and am intrigued by the solarium-type rooms on either side of the stupid three-tier windows all in a row.

I lived in Japan for a while. That first post is a perfect example of this:

www.engrish.com

Anonymous said...

I was wondering what happened to everyone - I missed this the first time around, but all I can say on this house is, omg, this really could be the worst looking house ever featured here, or even possibly ever built. Seriously, the property deserves so much better. I can't believe my eyes.

Anonymous said...

A pathetic house for a pathetic individual. I hope Jones's next roommate is Michael Vick.

Flora said...

Oh my, what a comedy of errors. Who ever designed this had a serious inability to visualise in 3D. I can't believe they even did elevation studies before throwing this up (ahem).
Sanmichele it is NOT.

The interior is even more disastrous than the exterior. Where to start? The pointless brick arch adrift in a room that seems to have no function? The empty wasteland of bedroom space?
The bathroom that has nowhere for ones toiletries?
Its totally gagalicious.

Flora

Anonymous said...

www.30AcresAndaLake.com

wreckingball said...

Is that a copy of The Last Supper perched atop a dining chair?

Natalee said...

The architect of this monstrosity should be flogged.

pch said...

I'm really hoping that 30AcresAndaLake URL isn't meant to be a play on forty acres and a mule...

sandpiper said...

This house is a fitting tribute to its owner.

JB in Silver Lake said...

This hideous place reminds me of driving through the really poor section of my great-grandmother's town down in East Texas. It's like the architect was 10 or going for the same soulless mess. I can't imagine ever wanting to come home if I lived in this place. The only appropriate thing to do, which, given the asking price isn't out of the question, would be to knock everything down except the barn and start over.

Anonymous said...

These correctional facilities may be hideous, but 30 acres is a nice plot of land.

Yak said...

Wow! That is one sad ugly POS. Whoever designed it (and I'm guessing it was one of his cousins who probably has no credentials and used some home design software found in a cereal box) needs to have their license yanked.
The bright side is that the land must be worth close to 1.8M so you could probably dismantle the house, reclaim some of the materials and start from scratch.
Of course there's always the option of starting your own polygamist sect which are very in vogue right now.

lil' gay boy said...

Who knew one abode could be so ghastly?

If it were a correctional facility, it would have been closed down long ago for abuse to the inmates . . .

Again I have to ask, can you picture the couple who built this saying, "Perfect - just what we wanted!"

Then turning to their seeing-eye dog and saying, "Bark if it's beige."

InALittleMinute said...

Oh my.. there should be some sort of warning label posted before these pictures are viewable! Goodness! Its one thing to have The Last Supper in your dining room its a WHOLE OTHER STORY when you cant even hang the damn thing on the wall, or position the picture properly.. to rest it on a chair in the corner.. Ewh... bad taste all around.

InALittleMinute said...

STPAULSNOWMAN... Im from MN originally... and can i tell you, I would rather a swarm of mosquitos coming towards me than this horrid thing!

StPaulSnowman said...

IHEARYA!

Redneck Reba said...

The thing that I love is that pretty much every room is decorated in pictures of him. I think I counted three big ones in the living room alone. It would be different if they were family or candid shots or scenes from his football triumphs, but they're clearly there to impress the hussies he brought home.

BTW, if Tawny Tweenerlegs had decorated the house, the couches would be carved walnut with flowered velvet upholstery. Trust me.

And thanks for saying the sweet stuff about me!

Anonymous said...

Wow. I think I would itch if I had to live there, BUT it looks no different that a lot of the other jock (heck, BACHELOR) pads I've seen. It's called lower-end jock chic. Sad.

Anonymous said...

This house is really sad. It's on South Chapel Rd. The gate even has (or had) a TN Titans logo with his number on it.

Many of the Titans homes are horrific.

Anonymous said...

But Andrea Zomber is a hot piece of ass, even though she is getting a little long in the tooth.

Anonymous said...

But any home lived in by cutie-pie Andrea Fry Zomber must be worth much more because it has absorbed her aura. Of course the bad vibes from her worthless Samurai convict husband cancel some of these good vibes out.