Monday, July 2, 2007

Wilmer Valderrama: Valley Boy

SELLER: Wilmer Valderrama
LOCATION: Calvin Avenue, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $2,250,000
SIZE: 4,822 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gated "Celebrity" estate on large flat lot (23,329sf) with tennis court, pool, pool house, jacuzzi, & gym. Beautiful curb appeal with circular driveway. Home does need updating. Prime Tarzana location. house is vacant (guest staying at house) & easy to show.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Is it just Your Mama, or does it seem a little odd to all the children that Wilmer Valderrama, who has a reputation for screwing starlets, lives in Tarzana? Yesterday we learned from the doyenne of celebrity real estate Ruth Ryon at the Los Angeles Times that Mister Valderrama has recently put his Calvin Avenue estate on the market for $2,250,000. According to Miz Ryon, the Venezuelan actor has already decamped to another Tarzana estate, and Your Mama can tell you the new place is on Wells Drive.

Now, Your Mama can sorta understand American Idol judge Randy Jackson living on a big estate in Tarzana. And we can certainly understand Kevin Federline trying to save some dough and sock away some of Britney's money by living in a house in Tarzana. But Wilmer the man-ho?

Do not misunderstand Your Mama or get us wrong. We are not hatin' on the Valley, and Your Mama does not want to receive an onslaught of hate mail from all you Valley dwellers who wouldn't dream of living on the other side of the hill. But given Wilmer's persona as a pussy loving conquistador, we always imagined him living near the hot spot cloobs in some glassy and over-sexed house in the Hollywood Hills filled with black leather furniture, drawers full of condoms, and a jacuzzi with a view of the twinkling lights of Los Angeles.

Your Mama has a tough time stomaching that idea Wilmer has been out there saying things like, "Hey baby, why don't you come back to my big suburban faux Tudor house in Tarzana where we can get to know each other better?" What is even more upsetting and perplexing is that it seems that just about every perky breasted wannabe ack-tress is more than happy to head out to Tarzana to show Wilmer her perky breasts.

The 70s Show actor, who often sports tight pants that show off his thick legs and big basket to maximum effect, purchased this house in February 2003 for $1,250,000. Which means this is the house where he lived during his torrid and dramatic 4 month romance with teen queen Lindsay Lohan. Lawhd hunnies, imagine if the walls could talk?

The listing states the house needs updating, and from the photos, we'd say so also. The house may have a lot of the accoutrement that well to do families enjoy, such as the swimming pool and tennis court, but it just looks so damn un-sexy for a 20-something single guy like Wilmer.

We are mortified by the beige carpeting in the master bedroom and the Home Despot ceiling fan has us clawing out our eyes. Your Mama is not surprised to see a home gym up in this house so that Wilmer could take every spare opportunity to keep the pectorals pumped and the bubble booty firm and high. As for the kitchen, we are simply confused by this space. The white cabinets are fine, as are the grey counter tops that look like they might actually be Formica. But the tile floor looks like something out of a cheap hotel in Bermuda.

This mock Tudor house, and the new one over on Wells Drive in Tarzana, is far from the the only properties this 27 year old real estate mogul owns or has owned in the San Fernando Valley. We'd recount them here, but Your Mama is just too damned lazy, so head over to Mister Big Time's blog where he has a thorough, long, and exhaustive list of all the properties Wilmer has bought and sold since he got rich acting his brown bubble butt off on the television.

Your Mama has just has one more thing to say before we sign off and head out into the gorgeous weather. Wilmer, hunny, you are a rich young man. In addition to your television riches and your budding real estate empire, you also co-own three restaurants and a oversee a soon to be released line of men's clothing. So please, Your Mama begs you, take some of that money you earn and hire yourself a nice gay decorator to do up your new house. Seriously.

Sources: LA Times, Big Time Listings, NY Post, Who's Dated Who, Socialite Life,

6 comments:

Phoenix said...

Hmmm.. brags about his conquests and size, and still manages to get dates? Dosen't anyone in show business have any shame?? Oh, wait..

Anonymous said...

puh-leeze! i can't stand this little midget - he gives venezuelans a bad name - except of course hugo chavez!

Benjamin said...

That house looks like it could be in Texas.

Anonymous said...

benjamin honey, the valley may as well be in texas

Anonymous said...

Stop beatin up on the valley! The architecture IS authentic tudor, for the valley. What I really wanted to say was...can you smell that place just from the pictures? yuke yuke poo poo.

Anonymous said...

Well, at least it has a tennis court. Otherwise, very blah.