Friday, October 9, 2009

Sam Ronson's Residential Sloppy Seconds

TENANT: Sam Ronson
LOCATION: Beachwood Canyon Blvd., Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $4,395/mo
SIZE: 1,776 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Classic, Contemporary Chic, describes this stunning Hollywood Hills 3 bed/2bth home. Completely upgraded with top of the line designer products including Waterworks bathrooms and Italian imported kitchen. Snuggle up in front of the oversized roaring wood burning/gas fireplace and enjoy high ceilings, archways and even an interior balcony/nook that looks over the living room.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh children, we are running so behind this morning. Last night Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter had a late, late, late dinner and several unusually robust margaritas in a Mexican place down on Hollywood Boo-lay-vard with our friend Flower who is visiting from New York City. While the food was tasty and the drink dee-voonly dizzying, it's all repeating and backing up on us today causing severe delays in our abilities to function properly. That's right puppies, Your Mama is all kinds of hung over. Plus, in addition to burping up last night's boo-rita and adding to our psychic misery, our celebrity real estate schedule shows we've got a bit stomach churner to discuss today.

All the children who have opened a gossip glossy in the last couple of years know that Lindsay Lohan's lesbian lover,–twig thin trust fund DJ Sam Ronson–lives in a modest house on Beachwood Canyon Drive in Los Angeles. The house has, after all, appeared in literally thousands of tabloid photos and videos so it's not so difficult to identify iffin you pay attention to these things.

In late August, Your Mama received a brief missive from a Beachwood Canyon resident we'll call Florinda Flapphergums who informed us that a "For Lease" sign had popped up Miss Ronson's rented residence. We spent a few minutes looking around for a property listing but, alas, came up empty handed. A few days later all sorts of reports came out about Miss Ronson picking up and moving house, ostensibly to one that would offer her and her on again/off again drama queen pap magnet ladee-friend Lindsay Lohan more security and privacy. As anyone who has ever driven up Beachwood Canyon knows, hordes of photographers stand around the sidewalk and clog up the street in front of the Miss Ronson's house hoping to snap a few pictures of the her and/or Lindsay unloading groceries, looking a hot mess or, even better, having a screaming fight like they did in mid-March of 2009 when the two ladees had a knock down drag 'em out argument that resulted in shattered glass and a visit from the the po-po who were called in by a neighbor concerned about the intensity of the domestic dispute.

Anyhoo, fast forward to the second week in October when another friendly informant rang Your Mama's bat phone and hooked us over the listing for Sam Ronson's residential sloppy seconds which is currently up for lease at $4,395 per month. Actually and despite the bad lesbian drama ju-ju that surely lurks in the dark corners of the house, it's not a sloppy house at all. In fact, it's rather charming and inviting in that in that way too few decorator done houses feel.

Property records show the house measures 1,776 square feet was built in 1927 and includes 3 bedrooms and 2 poopers. Listing information indicates that the interior has been renovated with designer products including Waterworks brand bathrooms and an imported Italian kitchen.

The front of the house is hedged and gated, but honestly butter beans, iffin we were Lindsay Lohan or Sam Ronson–and we thank our lucky stars we are not–we'd have invested in some taller and thicker hedges to better shield them from the omnipresent paps that loiter out front fo this house 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Some new hedges would have only cost a couple grand–max–and we're pretty sure that the owner of the home would not have objected as long as the two of them paid for the plants and labor.

The arched wood front door opens to a small entry and up a few steps to the left is the living room with a high, barrel vaulted ceilings, clean, white walls, a wood burning gas fireplace with a minimal and contemporary surround, and a row of French doors that open to a small terrace at the front of the house. Opposite the living room and down a few steps from the entry is the dining room with tile floors, a pair of pretty arched leaded glass French doors and a surprisingly small chandelier hangs over the round dining room table. The children will note that étagère/bookshelf like thing piled with Hermès boxes. Listen chickens, Your Mama's favorite color is orange and we love an Hermès anything just like everyone else, but having a bunch of those unmistakably Hermès boxes on display in the damn dining is a little like grabbing guest by the shoulders and screaming, "Look how much money I spend on trinkets and doo-dads." If you can not stop yourself from displaying your Hermès boxes, we recommend that you place them in a less public space like, say, a home office where they can be used to store paper clips and staples. But we digress...The dining room is open to a small breakfast area at the front of the house with travertine tile floors and a vaulted beamed ceiling. Although we can only see a sliver of it, the kitchen appears to be located at the back of the house behind the breakfast nook.

Upstairs, in the eight sided turret is what looks to be the wonderfully white walled master bedroom with honey colored wood floors and a wonderfully peaked ceiling that follows the roof line of the turret. Iffin we were Lindsay and Sam–which we happily are not–and despite the wonderful shape and sensational ceiling of this bedroom, we would most assuredly have chosen to make one of the bedrooms that does not face the pap-lined street the master and left this one as an office or guest room. The wee pooper pictured in the listing photographs shows a single pedestal sink, a couple of windows and a bathtub/shower combination tiled in gleaming white subway tiles.

The bit of the backyard we can see in the listing photographs looks just large enough for Miss Lohan to stand around post-argument with tired eyes, tussled hair, a her hand on her hip and a cigarette between her smeared lipstick. There also appears to be some sort of interior courtyard space that can be seen through the window in the living room. We're not sure what this space is or what it is used for. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

It's unclear to Your Mama if the day-core shown in the listing photos belongs to Miss Ronson or if the home owners have cleaned it up and stuffed it full of their own things. Either way, it's actually quite nice. The contemporary furniture and art mixes well with the pared back traditional architecture and layout of the house. We find the furniture appropriately scaled to the rooms and it all feels updated and upgraded without looking like it's trying too hard to be a decorator show room. Except for those pretentious Hermès boxes piled up in the dining room, of course.

Your Mama always likes this look of clean lined upholstered pieces mixed with chunky rough-hewn wood tables and benches with a smattering of mid-century modern tossed in for good measures. If we're being honest, and we always are, the day-core here has a similar feel to that in Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's little house in the Hollywood Hills, except for those Hermès boxes in the dining room because we would never stack up our Hermès boxes for everyone to see, make note of and comment on. Can y'all tell Your Mama is obsessed with the vulgar pretentiousness of displaying one's Hermès boxes in the dining room?

It's our understanding from very, very reliable sources that Miss Lohan vacated the Beachwood Canyon residence she was leasing from approximately $10,000 per month (and allegedly stiffed the landlord for a few months rent), took up residence at the Sunset Marquis Hotel for a few weeks and, according to her own tweet or twitter thing, has recently moved into new digs with a nice view.


Madam Pince said...

In the LR, what is that depression in the wall to the right of the fireplace? With the bench under it? My interest is piqued.

Anonymous said...

I would guess it is an unused aquarium.

Anonymous said...

Is it me or are those twin windows in the bathroom a peepers wet dream?

Anonymous said...

Mama, you are very up on things Hollywood, etc., so please tell us, briefly, of course, what these two ladies have ever done to deserve all the attention paid to them. Are they fine actors? Too beautiful to bear? Fascinating conversationalists? Precisely what, I would like to know.

Anonymous said...

I really like this house, but if I were to rent it or buy it, first I'd have to burn about 10 lbs. of sage sticks to get rid of all the bad joo joo vibes...maybe even have to call in a priest or shaman.

Anonymous said...

Ronson bought a Condo in the Empire West building on Alta Loma

stolidog said...

This is definitely one of those houses where you could come up with a couple of lines of coke just by beating on the carpet.

Chris said...

Samanthas House After Being Painted

Anonymous said...

Never, not in a million years would I go anywhere near this house. You just never know, Lindsay might show up out of her mind and forgetting Sam isn't there and then you'd have to deal with that mess.

Anonymous said...

Lindsay is renting a house in EMPIRE WEST TOO!