Thursday, April 24, 2008

Dwayne Wade Lists Pinecrest Palace

SELLER: Dwayne Wade Jr.
LOCATION: SW 59th Place, Pinecrest, FL
PRICE: $4,999,000
SIZE: 9,035 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7 full and 1 half bath
DESCRIPTION: Once in a lifetime opportunity to purchase NBA All Star home, Dwayne Wade's home in Pinecrest. Totally furnished with personal memorabilia.

YOUR MAMAS NOTE: Just between us chickens, Your Mama has been bending over backwards, forwards and sideways trying to handle our personal and professional bizness and attend to the brutal needs of the celebrity real estate obsessed. However, we can't be all things to all people at all times so we'd appreciate it if those naughty and nasty few (who know who they are) would stop sending Your Mama emails just to let us know you think we're a "lazy bitch." Seriously people, do you think we got nuthin' else to do but sit around and write this shit? Please. So unless you want to start writing the checks to pay our mortgages, vet bills and BMW payments, we do not want to hear it.

Now then, with that off our heaving chest, let's move on down to a place called Pinecrest, Flaw-ri-duh where an NBA all star basketball player named Dwayne Wade has put his crib on the market with a $4,999,000 asking price. All the children surely know by now that Your Mama knows as much about professional basketball as the devil knows about doin' right. So after being informed by our research queen B.S. Beaverman about Mister Wade's listing, we quickly consulted both the internets and our ball crazy buddy Fiona Trambeau for some basic 411 on the six foot four shooting guard from the Miami Heat they call Flash.

The internets told Your Mama that Esquire magazine has twice included young Mister Wade Jr. on their list of best dressed dudes, that the baby faced b-baller is soon headed for the court of dee-vorce and also that there is also salacious scuttlebutt circulating that he's dating formerly fat (but still sorta scary) Star Jones who recently filed for a dee-vorce from her well groomed huzband Al Reynolds. Miz Trambeau, on the other hand, offered Your Mama one of her typically snide and sickly cynical nuggets about Mister Wade Jr. saying, "He's a good looking young Christian man who gives wads of money to his church and in my book anyone who gives that much money to God is hiding something besides all of his basketball equipment." Oh dear. That's what we get for asking Fiona Trambeau a question when she's severely hung over after a long, durrty night at The Transfer.

Anyhoo, property records reveal that Mister Wade Jr. and his soon to be ex-wife Siohvaughn (pronounced shi-vahn) purchased the .94 acre property in July of 2005 for $3,975,000. A report in the Wall Street Journal discusses a legal brouhaha in which the developer of the house sued Mister and Missus Wade claiming they had not coughed up an additional $150,000 in improvements to the spec built property. The Wade's subsequently filed a counterclaim. We don't know the outcome of the drama, and if we're being honest, we don't much care.

Listing information for the 9,035 square foot mansion labels it a "contemporary colonial," an architectural style that, quite frankly, Your Mama has never heard of before. Records show the house measures 10,409 square feet with 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms. However, listing information indicates 9,035 square feet with 7 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms. Your Mama does not know why the discrepancy, but it might (might, children, might) have to do with the detached guest house adjacent to the backyard swimming pool.

Guest are greeted in the grandiose and designed to impress entrance foyer that features a double circular stairway and a custom floor medallion with the letter "W," a decorating detail only a professional sports star could love and one that neither Your Mama nor any nice gay decorator we know would ever suggest, recommend or allow.

The rest of the rooms seen in the photos hardly looked lived in and the chenille throw laid across the white leather recliner in the home thee-ay-ter reveals the all too obvious hand of a property stager. What Your Mama would really like to know is who exactly is responsible for deciding on and disseminating the notion that a chenille throw casually strewn across any and every piece of furniture says "home" to a potential buyer?

Upstairs in the master suite, which includes a giant beige tiled bathroom, we are genuinely mortified to find a circular bed. This children, is an item of furniture that can actually work in honeymoon suites of cheesy motels in the Poconos and/or in glitzy high roller suites in Las Vegas. However, Your Mama knows deep in our snarky soul that circular beds should not be installed in private homes. Anywhere. Ever. None the less Your Mama expects and sorta hopes that somewhere in the headboard is a tiny slot where one can drop a quarter to start the bed vibrating and rotating.

Interlocking pavers surround the pleasingly rectangular swimming pool that unfortunately features Mister Wade Junior's nickname "Flash" spelled out in custom tile work on the bottom. This is another questionable decorating notion that will be bothersome and costly for the next owner to fix.

Listing information indicates that the sale of Mister Wade Jr.'s home includes selected personal memorabilia, a sales tactic that Your Mama seldom sees. We got nuthin' against young and rich Mister Wade Junior. However, if we were in the market for a giant house in Pinecrest, FL–which we can assure you we will never be–tossing in an elaborately framed jersey and a few signed basketballs* would not be much of an enticement to sign on the five million dollar dotted line. A better notion might actually be for Mister Wade to bite the financial bullet and have that meddlesome medallion and all that custom tile work on the bottom of the swimming pool removed so that the new owner is relieved of the burden and cost of fixing that crap after closing on the property.

We imagine, but have no knowledge, that the sale of this property has more to do with Mister Wade's impending dee-vorce and less to do with any shifting professional associations. Whatever the case, we sincerely wish Mister Wade Junior's real estate agent is able to locate a well to do fan who's willing to cough up considerable cash to live with all that ka-razy customization.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: We did not at first realize that the lovelies at Luxist had actually discussed Mister Wade's property last year when it first hit the market with a sky high asking price of $8,900,000. The children will note that Luxist posted additional photos of the Wade crib that show a circular shaped glass elevator, a Spiderman themed bathroom and a truly bizarro (and wrong wrong wrong) mural of a shirtless Mister Wade located in a small niche in off the entrance foyer. We know Mister Wade was just a child himself when he came into all his basketball money so perhaps he went a little nuts on the day-core because, well, that's what very young people with money do sometimes. But Jeezis, Mary and Joseph, where was his mother or his nice gay decorator to step on the brakes of reason?

*Your Mama has no knowledge or information about what items of personal memorabilia may are may not be included in the sale.


Ellen said...

Aw, Mama, come on!

Cut the boy some slack! The guy was 22, 23 tops when he bought the place. And newly flush with big bucks. Most teenagers would love a pool with their nickname (and jersey #) in it.

I love that circular bed! Mmmm hmmmm ;-)

But Starlet Jones? Good heavens, NO, Dwayne, NO!!!!! Isn't she like 20-25 years older than him?


Ellen said...

Scratch that, boy was 21 and a few months. Nuff said...

I bet is was real popular on MTV Cribs

pch said...

This isn't all that bad for an NBA player...almost restrained by the standards of his peers. And while I agree with Mama that circular beds, while fun in Vegas, shouldn't appear in private homes, there's something about it that makes me like these people.

Alessandra said...

Dear God in Heaven, the man has a "W" on the floor of the foyer. Is that in case a guest comes over and can't remember the host's name?

If I were to make an offer, I'd write a clause in the contract, having it removed and replaced with some suitable flooring. Also, I hate the tub in the master bath. Anything that requires steps to enter/exit is a major slip hazard, and I don't need to be breaking a hip at my age.

The circular bed must be a joke. He's in the NBA. How does he fit in that bed?

Parker said...

This whole thing made be laugh, both Mama's comments and the pictures. I'm so not flashy, so I really found the whole customization thing quite hilarious. And, the home includes memorabilia? What, the huge 'W' and 'FLASH' aren't enough of a souvenir? The theater and its decor are just too ugly. I'd feel like I was on a round spinning bed just from sitting in those white chairs with that red carpet and brown paint (is the color off on my computer, or are those color choices really as horrid together as they appear?)

On a positive note, I do agree that for an NBA player, it could've been much worse. I guess that's where Star Jones comes in.

StPaulSnowman said...

My wife and I often watch television in deepest winter with our two mini wirehaired dachshunds snuggled under two tatty chenille throws. Needless to say, I was a little hurt about Mama's associating these throws with property stagers. I have no real life experience with this breed of decorating expert, but based on the otheliteothespaceworkwithme types encountered on HGTV, the staging game is a hideous racket that should only be allowed in Vegas. So Mama, not all chenille throws are for appearance only.

Anonymous said...

You are all such elitists......this place would be absolutely perfect if it had a hugh Dale Chihouly turdlike fixture hanging in the foyer. Let's make an offer!

Anonymous said...

anon 4.24 ... uh, no it wouldn't.

bentley, still sexy and funny in the way that i like: a married dudes with a bunch of kids who's got sensibilities

as for stpaulswoman - word up: RACKET. gawd, minnesota is nice but i don't know how anyone *really* survives the winters there. but dang, get me a reservation at the Modern Cafe, the best place to eat in MN, bar none.

Anonymous said...

Some of those "fans" of his, in Florida would like the monogrammed (sic) pool--some people like to own sh*t from famous people to brag. Like I have a pair of mama's underwear she sent me from a flattering e-mail. Thank you again mama, they fit great--I ate the crotch out though. Your not a lazy bitch mama--youz just a bitch--a fun wun though. Get mama all lickered up and she can sure spin a yarn. That's why the good Dr. Cooter cutter plays sports, works hard, and generaly stays away--his own hobbies and life, mama can be a psychological workout--then they meet up at 11pm and work out all the problems in the bed. Physical therapy. Mama, stop acting like a lush. You know you take good care of yourself and are high functioning--you just pretend to be a tawdry 1970's, Vinton's girlfriend type off mama's family. Stop selling that image mama. your classy and fun, but like real people and real life. I bet my mama loved her some mama's family/Vicki Lawrence--you remind me of her. Anyway, best wishes mama, from you 33 year old straight son living in West Hollywood.

Love, Todd

Anonymous said...

Ooohhh...Mama got out the spoon. It wasn't me Mama, I was over here doing my homework like you told me too.

Anonymous said...

When I saw the W I didn't think it stood for Wade... Being in Australia, I had never heard of him anyway!

Please be nice to Mama... if she gets sick of us and shuts up shop, where would we be then?

Anonymous said...

In Paradise

Anonymous said...

I just noticed two things that I like:

The piece hanging on the wall in the dining room is pretty cool.

The mirror over the headboard. Why the hell not? It tickles my dirty little mind. It also seems like there's some contraption above the bed. If it's a combo disco ball, Barry white and sultry lighting device, well who isn't just a wee bit titillated?

Aquaman, hey thanks.

Once again, too easily baited, but anon 4:39, piss off then.

Anonymous said...

The casually draped chenille throw -- seriously, do people really believe that's warm and inviting? I'd love to take a pic of the wadded up throw on my couch right now, one gym sock hanging out of it, the other on the floor because I was too lazy to put it away before turning in. Now that's real life. lol

This house? Nothing to add that hasn't been said, except ... nice landscape.

luke220 said...

When I first saw the picture, I thought the house was in Calabasas.

The house is big but I think tasteful and definitely staged. The price is probably too high, given the Florida real estate situation.

Regarding the throw, it's for times when the A/C is casting a chill.

Anonymous said...

arnage 5:54 AM

Once again, too easily baited, ever
heard of Sarcasm. Get a mojito and relax.

Anonymous said...

I bet its a bit more spacious then what most of us had at 21.....Stop all the spirit snyping.

lil' gay boy said...

Sometimes a white elephant truly is a white elephant . . .

"Contemporary Colonial" is a moniker often associated with the more vulgar McMansions one can find on the Eastern Seaboard; this one is a prime example.

Not only is the lot too small for this behemoth, but the lack of color only accentuates the lousy bones of this pile - even if you dipped it in the deep end of Sherwin Williams you could not hide the second-rate architecture.

It's just too many rooms, too much empty space, and too many geegaws and gimcracks for my liking - not to mention, WTF is Pinecrest, FL, anyway???

Anonymous said...

This place was listed at $8.9 million when it hit the market a year ago. Big discount now. The new listing leaves off some of the more striking details such as the Spiderman-themed bathroom

Anonymous said...

Who the hell is Todd? Isn't anyone else going to comment on his bizarre, creepy and rather upsetting posting? I certainly hope you don't know this person, mama. Because he's icky.

Anonymous said...

Baby girl, come here and sit with Mama-Mama. Let me give you a cookie and tell you a story.

Once upon a time, trolls lived under bridges and survived on fear and intimidation from the good children as they scared while the children skipped to school. Then Al Gore invented the internet and the trolls found themselves with as much time on their hands as those ogres from the Capital One commercials.

One day a troll was looking on the internet for the address of the nearest welfare office (or happy hour - I don't remember which) and discovered he could garner his much needed attention by posting nasty and irrelevant comments on internet message boards. He quickly spread the word to all his brethren and the troll race was saved from extinction.

Now mark my words, little girl. The best way to get rid of a troll is to pretend he isn't there. Trolls have a brain the size of a gnat so they forget very quickly and move on if they don't find attention.

Now wipe those crumbs off your pinafore before your mama sees and knows I gave you a cookie before dinner.

StPaulSnowman said... anonymous posting signed Todd.......needs his meds adjusted. Of course we all fantasize about what Mama gets up to behind translucent blinds with the longbodied bitches watching but, hey, most of us have too much class to get so graphic.

Anonymous said...

TO: stpaulsnowboy

Careful with use of "we all" and "most of us".

You are the exclusion to "most of us having too much class" because you definately lack it.

Your 9:36 comment is disrespectful.

I could have fluffed up my comment with clever allegory, but guy, I wouldn't want you to miss the my point. So, please pardon my need to be blunt.

StPaulSnowman said...

Sandpiper; I certainly respect your rank on this site. You are clearly someone special and I defer to your obvious superiority and role as the arbiter of taste and what is respectful. Thank you for not fluffing up your valuable comment since, lacking class, I probably would not have understood. Thanks for the discipline.

Anonymous said...

No superiority; simply respect for the owner of this board.

If we agree to disagree, so be it. We're probably here for different reasons. Enjoy.

Anonymous said...

That Sandpeeper is one bossy chick!

Anonymous said...

I have been reading here for a long time and I like what sandpiper says. The mean people are ignorant and we need to ignore them.

Anonymous said...

Mean people rule! These lame comments are just filler in between Mama's posts. Ever notice how some people have to comment every time something is poster?

Anonymous said...

Oh please don't ignore will ruin my self esteem. If you ignore me then you too are being mean.

Anonymous said...

what must Mama think about all this churlish banter? When are we going to hear more about the Hamptons?