Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Jesse Metcalfe Desperate to Unload House in the Hills

SELLER: Jesse Metcalfe
LOCATION: Rodgerton Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,495,000
SIZE: 3,919 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This HIP Celebrity Owned Mediterranean is the Perfect Party Pad, Big Family Home or Large Hm Office, w/almost 4000 sq ft + bonus space. This Villa features fully updated kitchen, 5 Bds (2 w/own entrances + prvt. Apt.) 5 baths, 2 FP's, Dark hardwood floors and stone throughout. Huge Party/Rec Floor w/kitchen and own entrance. Media Rm w/Projector, Spacious LR, Dining. Gym. Large garage. Great Hollywood Sign View! An Amazing Value and Very Done.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Most of the children know the almost 30 year old ack-tur Jesse Metcalfe, his seriously manicured eyebrows, and his bulging baby butt smooth chest from his stint as the horned up cougar-luvvin' teenage gardener on Desperate Housewives. Never mind that he was in his mid to late twenties when he worked that gig. However, Your Mama remembers this slab of Hollywood beefcake from his days as Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald on the high-larious and phantasmagorical daytime story Passions, which is unfortunately no longer on the air. Oh lawhd children, that program was so damn gewd back when Charity was possessed by the devil and the teenagers were getting preggers right and left.

Nowadays the recently rehabbed and somewhat career challenged actor is more likely to be discussed in the tabs and glossies for his on and off again relationship (and possible engagement) with that Girls Aloud gurl Nadine Coyle and the constant speculation that he might actually like boys instead of gurls. For the record, Your Mama does not know or even care which way the porn bodied party boy swings.

What we do know and what we do care a little something about is the Beachwood Canyon residence that the slim hipped and chisel chested ack-tur recently put on the market for $1,495,000.

Property records show Mister Metcalfe purchased the 3,919 square foot Mediterranean-ish style house on twisty-turny Rodgerton Drive in September of 2004 just about the time as he was leaving Harmony for Wisteria Lane. Records show the ack-tur paid $1,075,000 for the house overlooking Beachwood Canyon. Although property records show the house has 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, listing information for the house indicates the house includes five bedrooms and five bathrooms. There must be some sort of funky lay out because listing information proudly declares that two of the bedrooms have separate entrances and an additional private apartment which appears to have been turned into some sort of pool hall nightclub.

Clearly muscular Mister Metcalfe fancied the notion of living up in a house done up like some kind of club or lounge. Your Mama does not know what kind of screw needs to be loose that possesses these young and moneyed television stars to spend arm loads of money to transform their homes into looking like Hyde or Villa or whatever other red velvet roped clubs they like to go to. Don't they spend enough time laying around in these places? Do people really want to live in houses done up like nightclubs? Anyone? Ugh. Not Your Mama, that's for sure.

We've got mood lighting up the wazoo, chandeliers hung too high, unfinished looking spaces, banquets pushed up against the wall, a bed-like lounging area in the media room (wonder what goes on there?), and a library table suspended by chain that looks like something that might have been done by the Design on a Dime folks. Don't get Your Mama wrong, we love the Design on a Dime folks, but presumably Mister Metcalfe was decorating with more than a dime so it's disconcerting and upsetting to see this abomination swinging in his house.

Here's what we do like: We love fireplaces and there appear to be at least three here. We love that looking at every window you see tree tops which gives the place a nice tree house sort of effect. We love the view of the Hollywood sign. But other than that, hmm. well. Although we are not down with hunting and killing animals (just our point of view, not a political statement, so all your animal killers, back off), we do kinda dig that kooky wart hog head hanging over the fireplace in the living room even though it would surely scare the bejeezis out of us after a few fireside gin and tonics.

Our humble recommendation to Mister Metcalfe would have been to keep the decor less club like and instead of spending his funds on custom banquettes and carved wood pool tables to put his money into changing the uglee tile around the fireplaces, trading in the tile floor in the dining room, and renovating the kitchens and bathrooms. All this decor is simply shucking and jiving that makes it very difficult to see the house or imagine living there without a resident dj.

Sadly, there is no backyard to speak of, which makes the property perfect for anyone who does not want to green thumb it in the garden or fool with a team of landscapers roving over the property and interrupting their beauty sleep several times a week. However, Your Mama needs somewhere to run our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly so no backyard is a problem.

Additionally and sadly, builder of this house didn't even see fit to include decks or terraces on the backside of the house that are big enough to do anything but stand around smoke a doobie or watch the sun rise. Both nice things, but frankly, Your Mama prefers to sit when we get stoned and there's hardly room to put a chair on the decks of this house let alone a nice quiet and sunny spot for our pussy cat Sugar to sun bathe.

The listing for the property screams, "PRICED TO SELL NOW," which makes Your Mama wonder why Mister Metcalfe is in such a hurry to unload his house. Could he be cash poor due to his molasses career? Could it be that it's too tempting to booze it up when you're den looks like a bar? Is he moving in with Miss Coyle, as has been widely rumored, or does he actually have much more money that Your Mama imagines and trading up to something more glammy and celebrity style?


Anonymous said...

Ugh! The boy must be straight; no self-respecting gay man would use that shade of puke/pea soup green even if he were doing an homage to Linda Blair . . .

The "sin bin" bed set up in the media room is also a dead giveaway; looks like a straight man's idea of "hottie heaven."

What little we can see of the kitchen looks like it hasn't been used since the 80s, and the curtains, tiles and pillows have got to go. Not to mention that, frankly, there isn't an architecturally distinctive detail in the entire place.

Oh Staging Lady, where in the world are you and your Toyota? You need to help this poor boy, and I mean NOW!

Anonymous said...

Well, if he's moving in with Nadine then she lives in North London so quite a commute back to L.A for work ... He's constantly pictured in London so I doubt he really needs a house in L.A - I'm sure an apartment would suffice.

Anonymous said...

The chandelier is too high and I don't like that silly bed thing, but I am not opposed to this house. I kinda like the green on the walls and the furnishings don't really scream club to me.

Anonymous said...

Looking to the North you will see that there is a large pop out of earth where the city had failed to create proper drainage. They had to rebuild the road just north of the subject with casons and steel i beams. result was a landslide to the west in to the backyards of homes on Beachwood in the 2900 block.

I might be concerned about the stability of the foundation on this one. Whoaaaa Nelly!!

Anonymous said...

I remember when this house was listed previously, I'd imagine before Metcalfe bought it, and those are the exact same pix they used. I specifically remember the boar's head and the projection on the screen.
This house was listed as a celebrity's home then. Anyone remember who?

Anonymous said...

They missed the mark in a very early 90s way, but at least the architect tried to get the Whitley Heights vibe in the street facade.

Anonymous said...

His Wiki profile says that he and Nadine were seen house hunting in LA back in September so maybe they finally found a house.

Father Dowling said...

It seems like and actually reasonable price. I wonder if the warthog is included?

Is Passions really off the air? I used to LOVE that show!

Anonymous said...

So funny that you got a "design on a dime" vibe from the hanging table. It was actually ABC Family's "Knock First" that did that room. They did a series of Celeb installments, and this was the result!

Anonymous said...

The poster naming itself Jackie O:

Very gently, there was only one to have that name. Please, for me, select another, and please do keep posting.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I just can't get past "Jesse Metcalfe Desperate to Unload".

Right here. Anytime.

Anonymous said...

It's ugly in a Cher does Pottery Barn gothic kind of way.

Anonymous said...

I did a little snooping on and found he bought from an entertainment exec. I definitely remember this house being listed about 2 years ago so this must be a 2nd go around for Jesse.

tickle said...

Mama, well jackie o is right. Tickle drove up to Rodgerton Drive today (and by the by Mama is also right as she almost always is! lol)Holy Jeezus IS that street ever so twisty and turny and narrow! Tickle was forever honking (his horn) and praying on each blind curve. Anyhoo,just beyond Chez Metcalfe there is all this noisy construction going on, even on a Saturday. They seem to be trying to shore up the hill beyond there, as jackie o noted, so tickle turned around and had to re-trace the twisty turny narrow way back. BUT tickle WAS tempted to stop by Chez Metcalfe since the front door was slightly ajar and a motorcycle was in the driveway. AND since tickle recalls seeing a "bonus" in the rented "John Tucker Must Die" dvd, it seems Mr. Metcalfe fancies motorcycles so it seems he still lives there at least for now. Maybe they were "staging" it for an open house? But there is no sign on the property yet.

tickle said...

Oh forget to mention Mr. Metcalfe is definitely in town- there are pics posted of him getting a haircut this week at Rudy's at using search word "metcalfe"

Anonymous said...

Anon 9:33;

Great minds think alike . . .