Friday, June 6, 2008

UPDATE: Kimora Lee Simmons

The photos of Miz Kimora Lee Simmons' flip property on guard gated Lime Orchard road that recently hit the market with a $7,750,000 asking price have at last been revealed.

Some will say what Madam Baby Phat has done is a marked improvement over how the house looked when she bought in August of 2007, and everyone–including Your Mama know with every fiber of their being that his is insanely better than that upsetting and over done mansion she called home in Saddle River, New Jersey. However, Your Mama still thinks this is an uglee-ass brick faced half timbered quasi-Tudor tragedy with strangely mis-matched dining room chairs and too many beige chesterfields. We freely admit the house is not without its interior charms–the entrance hall is pretty great, the leaded glass windows are cool, we like the newly dark-stained floors and she's got a nice Basquiat or two–but overall it's kind of a mess. Eight million clams to have your swimming pool surrounded by concrete. Oh, hell no. And what are all those red vases from Pier One doing in the living room? Is that decorating or staging? Miss Phat, we know you and your nice gay decorator can do better than that.

Your Mama is also not fond of what's been done to the kitchen. Yes, it's better than the faux farmhouse fantasy of the previous owners, but despite 50 or 60 thousand smackers in refrigerators, this looks like the kitchen of any big ol' generic tract house in suburban Rancho Palos Verdes or Calabasas...fancy, expensive and well appointed, but or-dih-naree.

We can see now that Miz Simmons did indeed have the tennis court removed and replaced with a long stretch of sod. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter love little more than a backyard tennis court but we also recognize that the previous court was wedged on to this property like a Japanese bizness man on a bullet train. Besides, not only do Miz Simmons' pampered princesses Ming and Aoki need a place to run around in their little dee-ziner outfits and high heeled sneakers, but Your Mama imagines that our favorite blinged out beehawtcha doesn't care to work up a sweat running around on a damn tennis court anyway.

Even though the children are less certain, Your Mama still thinks Miss Phat will manage to unload this place at a profit...Like we said before, there's just something about these places on Lime Orchard Road that make them appealing to the rich and famous. We hear Jennifer Aniston's latest squeezebox John Mayer is hunting around for new digs...have you seen this John Boy?

Now my little chickadees, the real question of the day is where will Madam Baby Phat and her paramour Mister Hon-soo go next? Anyone?

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ugh! Those living room sofas and ottoman have an uncanny resemblance to Restoration Hardware's faux wicker outdoor product line. Not cute in an $8MM house.

I'll secomd Mama's commentary on the cement pool deck. And what's with the brick coping from the 70s? The stucco facade looming over the pool creates an ambience that one might encounter at an apartment building in Tarzana.

pch said...

Nothing new to add, except that keeping the lights for a "phantom tennis court" effect looks like an unintentional art installation. Funny.

Anonymous said...

Please tell me that is NOT the main staircase in an $8-million house????????????

luke220 said...

Do you think it is worth a million more than Ed McMahon 's place? I think I'd rather be in the Summit. Interested in others' thoughts on the comparison.

grosse pointe brat said...

Momma you are so funny, loved the comment about the Japanese bizness man on a bullet train, LMAO...this tacky mess could be in anytown USA...UGLEE, but when you consider the source, Kimoraleeee, yikes!!! Pass the jug Maw, but don't let Pepaw near it...he'll fall and crack his head open on all that ceement by the pond...and Svetlana has toilets to scrub not bloody stains...

Anonymous said...

This house is so much nicer than it was when she bought it. I love the decorations and the kitchen is really nice but I don’t think it fits in with this house. I think 8 million is a fair price for a home in Beverly Hills.
I don’t think Kimora should have covered the tennis court. She could have listed is for a higher price.
And luke220 why would u want to live in the Summit with that psycho Brittney Spears?

Anonymous said...

What is the Homeowners Association fee for Lime Orchard Road. Anybody know?

lil' gay boy said...

Chez Yikes.

Looks like an apartment complex in Babylon; no charm, no authentic detail, no cohesion of the parts, just yards and yards of "Garden State Brickface" faux half-timbering.

Didn't like it before, and even less now. She shouldn't have stopped with the tennis court; it's an $8M teardown to me.

sandpiper said...

STAGED or not (?) ... can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

Sorry Kimora, love ya like a sist'a ... but this place IS NOT fabulous.

Anonymous said...

Glad you posted these photos Mama. I'm the one who called the home's exterior 'charming' in the original Kimora article you posted. Now that I see it up close and from the gound, I take that back. It sucks.

Anonymous said...

The only way I'd buy this place is with the intention of tearing the existing house structure down, and and building something else in it's place, which for $8 Million, isn't going to happen.

luke220 said...

Anonymous 12:25.

Lime Orchard is not Beverly Hills, only BHPO, and there are nicer houses available for under $8 million.

And I would not not buy a place based upon who the neighbors are, because that is tough to control outside of a coop.

My reservation about the Summit is backing up to Mulholland, Lime Orchard is quieter.

Anonymous said...

That living room is too short for a ladder. I'm tired of seeing ladders in every magazine. It's my new game: Spot The Useless Ladder.

The kitchen cabinets are Menards - I scored five base cabinets in painted maple for under 2k. I'd like to think an $8mm + house would feature better cabinetry than that found my suburban cottage.

Who the fuck placed a rug on top of wall - to - wall carpet? They need to be stabbed in the eye. I'll do it, too!

Chris said...

What is that weird painting hung in the entrance hall so far up, thank God, that it can hardly been seen? Why hang it up at all? And fake Tudor is so 30s Hollywood when the place was full of English transplants pursing the then mighty dollar and S. California sun. Now it's just icky.

Parker said...

Hideous, hideous, hideous. Honestly, I'm speechless. The pool area and the cheap-ass looking exterior of the house? Just awful!! I agree that it's hard to imagine that that staircase is the main staircase. This is just ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

As a friend use to observe "you can take them out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of them"

Anonymous said...

That saying has been updated for the internet age. Add "but let them find an internet blog and they're from a *planned community of prefabricated housing*"