Saturday, June 28, 2008

Amanda Beard Shedding Her Venice House

SELLER: Amanda Beard
LOCATION: Garfield Avenue, Venice, CA
PRICE: $1,045,000
SIZE: 981 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom
DESCRIPTION: Come relax, and live Venice style in this charming and contemporary home. This home has it all, with a beautiful enclosed courtyard fully landscaped with exotic/imported plants. This 3 Bdrm/1 Br home is open with fantastic natural light, the kitchen has been redone, with gorgeous counter-tops and combed grain walnut cabinetry, a spa bath, as well as a fabulous open grassy garden in the backyard, additional upgrades and a detached garage. In this home, have it all.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to a covert contact from Chatterbox Chad, Your Mama has learned that seven time Olympic medalist and boobalicious bikini babe Amanda Beard has listed her Venice, CA beach bungalow for sale with an asking price of $1,045,000. Some of the children who don't know much about Miss Beard's breast stroking accolades may be more familiar with her actual breasts which she gleefully showed to the world on the glossy pages the July 2007 issue of Playboy.

Property records show that Miss Beard purchased her lilliputian cottage in August of 2006 for $1,045,000, a number all the eagle eyed children will recognize as the very same number that Miss Beard is currently asking for the house. Your Mama does not even need to consult our bejeweled abacus to figure out that Miss Beard is likely to lose a little money on this real estate transaction, a distinct possibility about which Your Mama is 100% certain all you churlish real estate Chicken Littles will make of huge hay. But you know what? Your Mama does not want to hear it. Everyone who reads the papers or listens to the damn news programs already knows the real estate market in Los Angeles is in a slump. Nobody needs any of you naughty children beating that dead, dead, dead horse.

According to property records, Miss Beards three bedroom and one bathroom beach bungalow measures in at a sardine can sized 981 square feet. How anyone managed to squeeze 3 bedrooms and a living/dining/kitchen combination into a house that measures in at less 1000 square feet is well beyond Your Mama's space planning comprehension.

Located about a mile from the beach and walking distance to Marina del Rey, the fully hedged and private property looks to have had some recent landscaping and renovation work. The front yard has been done up like a cozy courtyard with large stones, slate patios and a fun ad fantastic orange outdoor fireplace from the 1970s. Lawhd children, Your Mama just swoons over just about anything that is orange and this fire place is no exception.

Inside it appears that Miss Beard visited Ikea for her depressingly ordinary living and dining room furniture. The kitchen has been fitted with perfectly reasonable wood cabinets and black granite counter tops and we do appreciate that she injected the room with a little color with the red dining room chairs. However, it is all a little tight, isn't it?

Miss Beard got a little gusty in the master bedroom with that ka-razy black and white duvet which we find acceptable if not our particular taste. But gurly-gurl should have high-tailed it right back to Ikea for a pair of inexpensive bedside tables so she could toss those ghastly grandma style ones in the garbage. Your Mama can appreciate that Miss Beard attempted to add a little lighting style with that $99.00 capiz shell chandelier from West Elm, but if she really wanted to make a statement she should have called our good friend Gwen Carlton who custom makes the most ravishing capiz shell creations that money can buy and make those things from West Elm look like chintzy and cheap knock-offs...which of course, they are.

Anyhoo, moving out into the back yard and we have a nice deck for sipping gin and tonics and a wee patch of grass for the pooches. The two-car garage has been turned into some sort of uglee office/surf board storage area. Clearly Miss Beard's strength are competitive swimming and posing in the nood and not doing up the day-core.

Your Mama wishes Miss Beard all the luck in the world unloading her teeny tiny American dream and we sincerely hope that when she get settled in her next nest she'll ring Your Mama so that we can give her a long list of nice gay decorators who can help her with the day-core.


so_chic_darling said...

I love a small cozy cottage and I love Venice but I think it may be wise to knock down a couple of walls here and have at least one less bedroom given the square footage involved.
Mama I'm also crazy for anything orange also!

ms_wonderland said...

My 3 bed, one bath house is smaller than that - less than 800 sq ft. But then it's in the UK. We have to squish up through lack of space. How you American size queens would suffer over here.

Ms Beard's place looks nice and homey and staged for a family.

Madam Pince said...

I agree with you, Mama -- those grandma nightstands have got to go. And that horrible loft bed with the sofa underneath -- if I had to sit there, I'd feel like the bed was about to collapse on my head.

She needs to knock out some walls, enlarge the master bedroom and add another bath. 2 BR 2 baths would be a lot more appealing, I'd think.

Did You Know? said...

so so clean. amazing rooms

Viva! said...

Oh boy do I hate it. Really really hate it. It's the landscaping that just kills it for me, it looks so arid, I want lush dammit, water bills be damned!

sandpiper said...

She's young and it's a flip. That's my guess. But what the heck? She didn't break even on the kitchen re-do? Yikes!

lil' gay boy said...

Neat, bijou, very tight fit for 3 BRs.

Sorry she won't break even, but . . .

A million damn dollars? For a rabbit hutch a mile from the beach?

No sir.

sandpiper said...

Little Buddy, it's SoCal, sweetie. Doesn't need to make sense. If a <1000 sf in Watts features lead attribute as 6' chain link yard and barred windows sells for >$200,000, my resolve: nutty values and it is what it is. This one's a steal.

lil' gay boy said...

It may be SoCal, but it's still a mile from the water - that's inland.

It might as well be in Ohio.

Too petite for this size queen.


sandpiper said...

Or Little Rock! :)

caveman said...

pics of that tall glass of milk on that bed would go a long way towards selling that little bungalow tho...jmho

Todd said...

981 sq feet and 3 bedrooms? Can I get a holyshit from the congregation? Where is the third bedroom, BTW? Pictures show two bedrooms. Yes, the garage is Tacky with a capital T. But I can mentally picture me and Amanda spending hours upon hours in that shower together. Mmmm....

Anonymous said...

With her looks, she should be able to hook up with someone who could buy her Sampras house.

Anonymous said...

If you go look at the actual listing there is a photo of the 3rd bedroom. Looks to be about the same size as the bunkbed bedroom.

The house is in a quieter part of Venice between Venice Bl and Washington.

It is west of Lincoln so locals wouldn't consider that "inland" (love you anyway LGB). "Inland" would be at minimum east of Lincoln but most would say east of the 405 or Sepulveda.

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Anonymous said...

So did she ever sell her home?? If I had that much money to burn I'd buy it.. its really cute. I think its funny how in the office area she has the really big chair and her boyfriend has the itty bitty tiny one.. lol.

Cute home Miss Beard. Hope you sold it!!

Anonymous said...

So did she ever sell her home?? If I had that much money to burn I'd buy it.. its really cute. I think its funny how in the office area she has the really big chair and her boyfriend has the itty bitty tiny one.. lol.

Cute home Miss Beard. Hope you sold it!!

Anonymous said...

I forgot to add.. on her website she has a video of a tour of her home and she has a room which she calls the disaster room and has all her junk as well as her boyfriends stuff in it.. it looks a mess.. I noticed that room isn't posted.. lol

I was kinda wondering why her home looks so bare... there isn't any art work on the walls or anything.. there's a book on the coffee table.. thats about it.. but as far as personal items.. there's nothing out.. except bottles of shampoo in the shower..

Dumb question.. but does this home come furnished??