SELLER: Amanda Beard
LOCATION: Garfield Avenue, Venice, CA
SIZE: 981 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom
DESCRIPTION: Come relax, and live Venice style in this charming and contemporary home. This home has it all, with a beautiful enclosed courtyard fully landscaped with exotic/imported plants. This 3 Bdrm/1 Br home is open with fantastic natural light, the kitchen has been redone, with gorgeous counter-tops and combed grain walnut cabinetry, a spa bath, as well as a fabulous open grassy garden in the backyard, additional upgrades and a detached garage. In this home, have it all.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to a covert contact from Chatterbox Chad, Your Mama has learned that seven time Olympic medalist and boobalicious bikini babe Amanda Beard has listed her Venice, CA beach bungalow for sale with an asking price of $1,045,000. Some of the children who don't know much about Miss Beard's breast stroking accolades may be more familiar with her actual breasts which she gleefully showed to the world on the glossy pages the July 2007 issue of Playboy.
Property records show that Miss Beard purchased her lilliputian cottage in August of 2006 for $1,045,000, a number all the eagle eyed children will recognize as the very same number that Miss Beard is currently asking for the house. Your Mama does not even need to consult our bejeweled abacus to figure out that Miss Beard is likely to lose a little money on this real estate transaction, a distinct possibility about which Your Mama is 100% certain all you churlish real estate Chicken Littles will make of huge hay. But you know what? Your Mama does not want to hear it. Everyone who reads the papers or listens to the damn news programs already knows the real estate market in Los Angeles is in a slump. Nobody needs any of you naughty children beating that dead, dead, dead horse.
According to property records, Miss Beards three bedroom and one bathroom beach bungalow measures in at a sardine can sized 981 square feet. How anyone managed to squeeze 3 bedrooms and a living/dining/kitchen combination into a house that measures in at less 1000 square feet is well beyond Your Mama's space planning comprehension.
Located about a mile from the beach and walking distance to Marina del Rey, the fully hedged and private property looks to have had some recent landscaping and renovation work. The front yard has been done up like a cozy courtyard with large stones, slate patios and a fun ad fantastic orange outdoor fireplace from the 1970s. Lawhd children, Your Mama just swoons over just about anything that is orange and this fire place is no exception.
Inside it appears that Miss Beard visited Ikea for her depressingly ordinary living and dining room furniture. The kitchen has been fitted with perfectly reasonable wood cabinets and black granite counter tops and we do appreciate that she injected the room with a little color with the red dining room chairs. However, it is all a little tight, isn't it?
Miss Beard got a little gusty in the master bedroom with that ka-razy black and white duvet which we find acceptable if not our particular taste. But gurly-gurl should have high-tailed it right back to Ikea for a pair of inexpensive bedside tables so she could toss those ghastly grandma style ones in the garbage. Your Mama can appreciate that Miss Beard attempted to add a little lighting style with that $99.00 capiz shell chandelier from West Elm, but if she really wanted to make a statement she should have called our good friend Gwen Carlton who custom makes the most ravishing capiz shell creations that money can buy and make those things from West Elm look like chintzy and cheap knock-offs...which of course, they are.
Anyhoo, moving out into the back yard and we have a nice deck for sipping gin and tonics and a wee patch of grass for the pooches. The two-car garage has been turned into some sort of uglee office/surf board storage area. Clearly Miss Beard's strength are competitive swimming and posing in the nood and not doing up the day-core.
Your Mama wishes Miss Beard all the luck in the world unloading her teeny tiny American dream and we sincerely hope that when she get settled in her next nest she'll ring Your Mama so that we can give her a long list of nice gay decorators who can help her with the day-core.