Monday, June 16, 2008

Ryan Phillippe's Asian Inspired Freak Out

BUYER: Ryan Phillippe
LOCATION: Rising Glen Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $7,150,000
SIZE: 8,300 square feet (approx., as per listing), 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: One of a kind architectural oasis built by Buff & Hensman. Turn-key entertainers dream w/ soaring views. Gated & completely private. 5 bd, 7 ba. guest quarters w/ pvt exits, 2 master suites w/ office area in both, expansive living room & deck for large parties, media room, private office. Huge outdoor patio w/ chef's bbq, pool, spa, sauna/steam room & fire-pit. Asian-style gazebo overlooking pool. 2 story gym, master suite & media center with 14 ft ceilings & 60ft of head on jetliner city views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Several weeks ago Your Mama heard from a well placed and always well informed tipster that recently dee-vorced hottie actor Ryan Phillippe (Flags of Our Fathers, Crash, Gosford Park) coughed up some big bucks to purchase an ass-uglee house near the tippy top of Rising Glen Road in the hills above West Hollywood. However, transaction records had yet to be filed and before we were able to sort through our spider web of contacts for a second source, the increasingly intrepid Miz Ann Brenoff at the LA Times scooped Your Mama on the purchase. Now of course, just about every real estate chatterbox and gossip glossy that cares about the oft-shirtless father of two has discussed the purchase. Whether the children like it or not, Your Mama feels like weighing in none the less.

Property records (and a tipster we'll call Ernie Eatsalot) reveal to Your Mama that Mister Phillippe, who now publicly dates Abbie Cornish–the twenty-something broo-net rumored to have been at the the center of his dust up and bust up with a-list actress Reese Witherspoon, purchased his homage to insanely bad Asian inspired day-core for $7,150,000.

The five bedroom and 7 bathroom decorative disaster was originally designed by mid-century modernists Buff & Hensman and given a major (and not particularly sensitive) overhaul by the previous owner and seller, The Beastmaster and The Cotton Club executive producer Sylvio Tabet. Your Mama can barely see through all that shoji screen silliness and Buddha badness to figure out if this house retains any of its original mid-century features or qualities or if Mister Phillippe will need to hire a good architect and a nice gay decorator to undo the architectural carnage and dee-pressingly one-noted day-core. For better or worse, right or wrong, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are of the minds that if a person needs that much "zen" bullshit around them at all times, what they really need is a good therapist and some strong meds and not another meditation mat.

Not surprisingly dubbed Rising Zen by Mister Tabet, the wall, gated and low slung residence measures either 5,033 square feet according to property records or 8,300 (approx.) according to listing information. Either way it's a big damn house for one dude. There are large but low ceilinged living and dining rooms, an overhauled kitchen with top grade appliances and a skylight, a media room (natch), double master suites, and a guest suite that includes a separate entrance. Listing information indicates several offices are spread throughout the house including one with a fish tank built into the wall.

By far the most notable interior space is the two story home gymnasium which sports concrete walls, a shiny concrete floor, pleasantly high ceilings and a giant vase with bamboo sticks that could easily act as spear-like weapons if necessary. Listen children, Your Mama recognizes that many people, particularly rich and famous people, have a penchant for dragging all that gym equipment into their homes. But we just don't get it. We don't care to break a sweat vacuuming at home so we certainly aren't going to strap ourselves into some damn Pilates contraption in the basement that will bend and twist our limbs like a pretzel. Besides, having all that exercise equipment hovering around and glaring at us while we tuck into a giant bowl of chocolate ice cream would only make us feel fat. And who needs that kind of judgment from a damn leg press machine?

Anyhoo, the large flat back yard includes a pool long enough to swim laps, a gigantic deck where the former soap stud turned film star can entertain about as many people as he wants, a spa, sauna and a steam room, a chef's barbecue (whatever that is), fire pit, a gorgeous view down the canyon and over the glittery and glitzy city lights below, and (SURPRISE!) an Asian style gazebo adjacent to the swimming pool. It appears to Your Mama that the gymnasium and one of the bedrooms...perhaps it is the guest suite?...have been tucked into the hillside and under the deck, a clever way to gain both interior and exterior square footage while preserving the view.

Perhaps Mister Phillippe has a thing for not very good Asian inspired day-core, but if we're being honest–and we always are–it is Your Mama's humble and utterly meaningless opinion that for seven and some million clams Mister Phillippe should have been able to buy himself a house not making a desperate effort to be a Shinto shrine with suede sofas and bedrooms. Just a thought.

Other nearby residents include that kooky and Clueless ack-trees Britney Murphy who forked over $3,850,000 to purchase her house from formerly batty Britney Spears back in 2003. A couple of doors down from Miss Murphy and her greasy looking daddy-huzband Simon Monjack is celebrity hypnotist Paul McKenna who recently spent $6,600,000 for his Regency style compound that was once owned by gay gazillionaire David Geffen who sold it to song writing super star Diane Warren. The British hypnotist claims, among other feats, to be able to hypnotize the fat right off of people, a (dubious) skill and talent that ought to make him millions of dollars in LaLa Land, land of fat obsessed skinny bitches.

47 comments:

stpaulsnowman said...

Great post Mama.......piquant, informative and most importantly, hilarious. You have become the David Sedaris of real estate porn. The gym section made my day........thanks?
The "amerasian" excess in this cluttery showpiece is a mess. Someone has clearly been catalog shopping in Hong Kong's resin figure district. What about less is more, Asian restraint, simplicity, calm and the use of negative space?

Alessandra said...

For a home that sports some large windows and magnificent views, why do I find many of the interiors to be so dark and lifeless?

Perhaps it needs to be seen in context, but some of these photos are either not doing it justice or are hideously accurate.

Anonymous said...

It's so bad I don't even know where to start but I am going to focus on one particular thing that I have noticed time and again in LA interiors that I truly hate. That awful painted parchment hanging lamp thing over the dining table; first of all I think it's technically a Moroccan piece of dried and painted goat skin,although I've never been close enough to one to determine what it's made of. Why are they all over LA and why are "ethinc touches" so pervasive?
The souk or Bangkok's floating market,both are crime scenes that Angelenos love to visit over and over again. Please stop.

Anonymous said...

Above post was from So Chic Darling by the way.

Barren Karen said...

So Chic,

Darling that is a Fortuny chandelier and not some piece of goat. They are hung all over Park Avenue and East Coast climes like that. I'm surprised you don't know them because you're very knowledgeable about design-y things.

Have I told you I love you lately?

Anonymous said...

It is awful but he'll likely get someone in to change it - he has 2 young kids so perhaps a more kid-friendly interior is needed? He always seems quite understated the way he dresses, the car he drives, the girl he married, so I'm quite surprised he bought this place - though, he'll likely change it like i said - I think most people would.

sandpiper said...

Awful. Awful. Awful.

so_chic_darling said...

Thanks Barren Karen for clearing that up. I don't care what they are I just know I don't like them,maybe that's why I've never looked too closely into their provenance or origin,they look like they would smell of old ladies or patchouli though. Design-y things I like that,might have to register that name.

pch said...

Did this place list for some crazy amount of money? It looks familiar, but I recall thinking that the asking price was beyond insane.

I can only hope that Phillippe bought the house with plans for a complete remodel. As is, it looks like a bad Magnum PI location.

E.J. said...

A good thing is that there's not a single nice thing about this house so I don't have to worry that maybe I'm just "out of it" and don't know what's nice. It clearly sucks from every angle, and even with personal taste aside, it's laughable. Expensive chandelier or not. Looks like Britney Spears decorated it. And I am so excited waiting for her to implode again. Bring back the pink wig!

Anonymous said...

After looking at these photos, my stomach feels like I ate some bad food with way too much MSG.

Anonymous said...

Relax people. Why get all tied up in knots over taste in finishes, furnishings and accessories that aren't his? Phillippe will put his own stamp on the place, no doubt.

so_chic_darling said...

But it's so much fun to laugh at other peoples bad taste.

sandpiper said...

Why get tied up in knots?

Because that's what we like to do. We eat this stuff up. Can't get enough. :)

So_Chic, darlin' this is for you!

eddie from pdx said...

Sandpiper! Where did you find that link? It's AWESOME!

Alessandra said...

Sandpiper! Wow.

It's even more horrid than I had imagined and now I must give credit to the MLS photographer (it looks like Erik Grammer's work, maybe?) for making that hole of a house look so good.

Yeesh. A white hot Zen mess.

Anonymous said...

HaHa!

That link!!

At least we found someone who likes it -

"Sylvio’s home is absolutely gorgeous and very easy to get used to!"

Bridget said...

That link is a hot mess! Holy geeze...if I had seen that site prior to seeing the house there would be now way to get me to buy that house!

Anonymous said...

This house is so gross! It looks like we have a new all time worst to replace Lance Bass's hideous Beverly Hills Post Office home that is simply gorgeous compared to this nightmare.

so_chic_darling said...

Oh Sandpiper thanks for that. There are pear paintings and a lesbian gym teacher taking photos of them. This is great.

Anonymous said...

Check this out

http://www.1877risingglen.com/

Anonymous said...

This property is soo tacky. It almost appears in the link above that the reason the home feels so dark is that it that the gigantic mess has room upon room buried inside of each other with no windows anywhere to be seen.

The kitchen appears to me the least objectionable part of the home... but come on... over $7mm clams and it has cheap 3/4 inch stone countertops?

Every last piece of ornamentation needs to be wripped off to reveal the bare bones of this home and perhaps it could be and interesting contemporary dwelling... but I think it's too far gone and would be best suited if a wildfire whipped it off the hillside and someone started from scratch.

The views are great. Front seems very unimpressive with the gross slanted driveway and sick brickwork.

Anonymous said...

for $7m I want to be able to walk around the pool in the nude not having the neighbours on Sunset plaza looking down on me.

But it is a typical pool area to make a low bufget porn flick.

Overall Rising Glen is a steep tacky road with heaps of dust bins on the street all the time.

There are constant dogs that bark at all hours of the day.

Polly said...

Sylvio Tabet & Bilo Zarif,where are we in Middle Earth?

StPaulSnowman said...

That house sitting site was fantastic..........like pouring vinegar on a paper cut. I thought Mama's photos illustrated that this place would gag a maggot, but the gift from Piper was over the top!

so_chic_darling said...

I'm still laughing!

Anonymous said...

Why does one person need so much space? He should spend Reece's $$ on something better.

Dr Qui said...

Greetings once again to the most honorable Mama and her may children from my 19th century imperial cinnabar lacquer day bed here in Hong Kong. At first I thought I might be flying in for the house contents sale but on closer inspection with my jade handled magnifying glass it seems that there are no actual Asian works of art in the house,not even one good piece of blue and white porcelain for my new money mainland customers. What a sad and confusing residence.

Anonymous said...

Does this house look like a ranch to anybody else? Does he get to keep the Budda? How is going to keep Deacon OUT of the pool?

StPaulSnowman said...

Dr. Qui you da bomb! Are you the guy peddling the jade-handled magnifying glass and mother of pearl abacus on Ebay?........if so .....what would the postage be to Minnesota? Thanks

StPaulSnowman said...

Dr. Qui drives a tardus.

Anonymous said...

Wow! I completely agree with Anon 12:31....

I never thought I'd see the day when we found a house that made Lance Bass's home look good.

But sure enough, we did. This one holds the all time worst honor, now... I'm almost excited to see how hideous the next All Time Worst Mama finds us, is.

Dr Qui said...

Christies Hong Kong and private sales. I do not drive I have a driver.

Anonymous said...

The decor makes me want to scream and run outside. This house has to be a teardown.
Deacon better not fall in that ugly a*s pool.

Anonymous said...

What a mess--it's nice we all agree--sometimes homes like this sell quick because you either hate them strongly or love them strongly--it just takes one fool with a checkbook--and Hollywood fools are the best--biggest dummys with ca$h so over indulgent and over the top--fast money and nobody tells them the truth. The bigger the house ego the better---look at how those Persian Mosuleum things ruin Beverly Hills. I would love for the owners of some of the homes we trash to see this board--that OC fake rust pile.

Playing Nice in WEHO, Mama's black sheep.

bentley said...

Well, I'll be damned. This place would make a Buddhist bump into walls and beat the shit out of people.

Am I totally pervy if I want to walk around nude by this pool for all of Sunset Plaza to enjoy? Please advise.

Gnarly, distressing home.

He seems almost pulseless as it is. What will this house do to the poor guy?

sandpiper said...

Apparently taste in homes is one more thing he and his benefactor .. strike that ... ex-wife couldn't come to terms on. Sounds like the divorce settlement was burning a hole in his pocket. I'd guess he bought it furnished. LOL.

Craptacular hot mess.

Chanda said...

Ryan is gorgeous! I love to watch him smoking. The house is cool.

lil' gay boy said...

My eyes! Oh God, my eyes!

Anonymous said...

"dust bins"???

Who are you, Mary F'in' Poppins?

StPaulSnowman said...

LGB.......before long you will be chowing down on a large order of fries with absolutely no worries. Hope you are not too sore!

Anonymous said...

To the person who said he bought it with Reese's money: IIRC, he didn't ask for any money from her in the divorce. Just joint custody of their kids.

Anonymous said...

Then why did he just jump on this hot sweaty mess within days, not even a week, of her settlement to him. Timing's a bitch, ain't it. I'll lite no candles for his integrity.

Anonymous said...

Ryan has a ton of his own money. And while he closed on the property within days of the settlement... anyone who knows anything about real estate knows its not like buying a car... he was under contract far before any settlement was reach or set.

Anonymous said...

Looks like somebody blew his economic stimulus check at Pier 1.

ryan.phllpp said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ryan.phllpp said...

Why is everybody here so mean? He just wanted an expensive house and so he bought it! It is so awesome from the inside. You don't have to be so so judgemental! His house is the best house in Hollywood by far, it's big with a great view and all that! Stop being so mean to him! And of course he bought it with his own money! Not Reese's. I don't know what else to say cause I'm very pissed right now!