Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Chris Tucker's Not Very Funny House

SELLER: Chris Tucker
LOCATION: Winford Drive, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $3,800,000
SIZE: 6,549 square feet, 5 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This dramatic and elegant view estate, a previous model, offered "fully furnished" will take your breath away. A property with exceptional scale and volume, extraordinary detailing that creates an architectural sophistication, exquisite landscape and impeccable hardscape combine to define this home as Mulholland Park Estates Rare Premier Properties. Over 6,500 sqft. of luxury living on almost 32,000 sqft. lot, 5 bed, library, home theatre, upstairs game room, 8 bth with spectacular city lights views are some of the highlights of this most distinctive home. An elegant sweeping wrought iron circular staircase floats into the most sumptuous master suite that is warm and inviting. No expense was spare on the spacious gourmet kitchen that exemplifies style and function. Pristine entertainers grounds w/ pool, spa, water features.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If real estate commissions were earned by writing florid and flattering descriptions of properties, the lady in charge of this high end celebrity owned Tarzana tract house would be rich enough to reach into her Birkin bag and buy this piece of "architectural sophistication" where she could "float" up to the "warm and inviting" master suite of this "Rare Premier" property that is being offered for sale "fully furnished" for $3,800,000. Egads.

Thanks to the Tarzana Tattletale, Your Mama has learned that this former model home in the guard gated Mulholland Park Estates community is owned and being offered for sale by stand up comedian and Michael Jackson defender Chris Tucker, a man who appears to have earned much of his moo-lah working opposite Jackie Chan as Detective James Carter in the Rush Hour film franchise. Some reports say Mister Tucker earned as much as 20,000,000 damn dollars for Rush Hour 2, an action film that Your Mama is not ashamed to say we never seen nor even heard of. We got nuthin' against Mister Tucker or Mister Chan, but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter just aren't action film types.

Anyhoo, property records reveal that the motor mouth comedian purchased this big house on Winford Drive in June of 2001 for $2,400,000, which was right about the time he was getting that titantic $20,000,000 paycheck. According to the tax man, the house measures in at 6,549 square feet and listing information indicates there are 5 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms in this house of vaguely Georgian but ultimately indeterminate architectural style that sits cheek by jowl next to all the other steroidal tract homes that make up the Mulholland Park Estates community. Other features of this "dramatic" and "most distinctive home" are an expensive and circular brick driveway leading to a 4 car garage, a cruise ship lobby like foyer with a double circular stair case, a double height living room stuffed with shiny champagne colored furniture and giant urns filled with sticks that look like they could blind a boozed up party guest.

There's also a game room on the second floor with bamboo furniture (not pictured), a home thee-ay-ter, and a gore-may kitchen with dark cabinets, black appliances and beige everything else. A fireplaced family room with a wall of French doors leads to the backyard where the swimming pool and spa is lorded over by that cockamamie pergola situation. As if the pergola thing is not disturbing enough all by itself, someone had the not very pleasing idea to add a few statues of toga wearing ladees. Not nice.

Upstairs in the "sumptuous" master suite we have more beige things and some disco lighting which is so perplexing and upsetting to Your Mama that we have already started in on the gin and it's not even noon yet. In the master bathroom we find more eye popping disco lighting and a spa tub large enough to fit a good number of plastic boobed Hollywood hussies.

Because we always try to find something nice to say about all the properties we discuss, we'll allow that Mister Tucker's gardeners are doing an awesome job keeping the front yard's carpet of lawn green and weed free, and trust Your Mama on this one children, that's an expensive and not so easy feat considering the blazing sun that beats down on San Fernando Valley. We can also get behind the sheer camp and decadence of the twin crystal chandeliers hanging over the dining room table, but we'd really have preferred to see those fixtures in a nearly minimalist setting or in room done up like some crazy overstuffed Mario Buatta extravaganza. We'll also grant that the view over the Valley is nice, although we're certain some of you Bev Hills types would rather slit your wrists than spend your days looking out over Reseda. The kitchen is large, which is nice for Chef, and Your Mama could probably sit in that family room for one night watching the amazingly embarrassing Housewives of New York City without feeling like we need to poke our eyes out. For one night only though.

Your Mama would not be surprised to learn that there are many multi-millionaires who crave and are willing to fork over big bucks to live live in a big beige house behind the fancy gates of the Mulholland Park Estates. Just not any of the multi-millionaires we know.

Property records show that Mister Tucker also owns the house immediately next door which has a Briarfield Way address. That 6,399 square foot house with 5 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms was purchased in November of 1996 for $1,113,500. At this point and time Your Mama isn't sure which house Mister Tucker actually occupies, but we hope it's the house on Briarfield Way and that the house for sale is just some sort of crazy investment property that has been painfully staged with a truckload of beige furniture.

Whatever the case, we wish Mister Tucker well and hope he'll call Your Mama to get a short list of names of talented and nice gay decorators who could give him some much needed help with his too beige interior day-core.

54 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nice house!! Being that Chris is from Atlanta it's very southern like......and what a stand up guy for coming to the defense of his friend Micheal Jackson.Great guy!!

Alessandra said...

Chris, Chris, Chris...let's talk. You are completely without a sense of humor with this house or else the joke's on you. The exterior architecture is really indefensible. It's like a Georgian on steroids, designed by someone who has never actually seen a Georgian home.

As for the interior, it looks like the showroom of a furniture store in well, Tarzana. I shudder to think what may have happened in that gargantuan jacuzzi tub.

The pool area looks like he's trying to mimic San Simeon and I definitely do not approve. All in all, a waste of lumber, bricks and drywall. I vote for demolition.

Anonymous said...

He also owns the home next door at 19133 BRIARFIELD WAY, correct?

Anonymous said...

was this development by toll brothers? It looks like millions of houses they churn out around the country like this one:

http://www.tollbrothers.com/homesearch/servlet/HomeSearch?app=model_description&plan_id=31763&elevation=43609

David said...

And what of that pool. It is a total rip-off of William Randolph Hearst's Neptune pool at Hearst Castle.

pch said...

I'm no longer surprised by anything on that side of the Sepulveda Pass. It's funny to me that the only difference between bad faux Georgian and bad faux Château is brick trim and and peaked dormers. Seriously. Plaster this joint with limestone, et voilà, you've got the Biarritz model. One-size-fits-all architecture for the well-heeled masses. It's obnoxious enough that a chorus of Nam Myoho Renge Kyo might be in order.

The columns by the pool might be an hommage to San Simeon...or someone might have swiped them from the Beverly Hillbillies set.

Anonymous said...

The pool reminds me of the "cee-ment pond" in The Beverly Hillbillies. Classy - NOT.

average joe said...

zillow says it is worth 3.5MM so I am sure it will sell pretty fast.

for those of you who do not know, Tarzana is like the BH, Bel Air of the Valley

Anonymous said...

Say it ain't so Joe.

You couldn't be the real Average Joe. There is no way he would quote a Zillow price, lol.

I always thought Encino was the BH of the Valley?

sandpiper said...

The verbage used to shore up this listing kills me, too.
An elegant sweeping wrought iron circular staircase... ?
What about the matching one on the other side? It's all sooo Bishops Avenue. Chris's judgements have me confused and feeling woozy.

A couple properties in this enclave are listed at $3.59M; just as big and far more refined -- inside and out. That is, if anything in this sub can be called refined. Less offensive might be a better term.

So, I guess I won't be buying this one either. LOL

Anonymous said...

Why do builders insist on putting the garages and thus garage doors on the front of these houses? It's not like the house wasn't already ugly!!!! The 2 large chandaliers in a dining room that size is ridiculous. I wouldn't want it if someone gave it to me--well ok, that was a lie, but.... hahaha.

Anonymous said...

Tarzana is so not the BH of the valley. Kevin Federline lives there for gods sake. Encino and Sherman Oaks (south of Ventura) are the only places that could come close to being the BH of the valley.

As for this house...pre-ten-shush.

Anonymous said...

encino tarzana hidden hills calabasas

they are BH, Bel air for half price

Anonymous said...

anon 1 35


I rented a floor in a HUGE estate (10,000 sqft) 2 acres up in the tarzana hills there are HUGE estates up there behind the gates.

and lets add studio city and sherman oaks to the list.

Anonymous said...

anon wrote

Kevin Federline lives there for gods sake.

yes but many A list stars live up there to.

Anonymous said...

Anon at 2:04: can you give examples?

Anon at 2:02: just because there are huge estates doesn't mean they are nice or BH/Bel Air comparable.

fairfield girl said...

I like it! It needs some color

Anonymous said...

kevin federline was renting in tarzana... and studio city is the bh of the valley. maybe encino actually, because its the persians that make bh what it is and they have since ruined encino too with the palaces and columns...but bh is bh and encino is encino. cant compare. you cant compare jade mills and carol wolf. I think joyce reys assistant does more business that carol and she thinks she is the queen.. and as for the tucker house.. its not the nicest one in the mulholland estates... but it is off reseda blvd which is gehhhtoh.. but that are has gone crazy.. down the street theres a house for sale over 4 million that belongs to an upside down lender that went from doing 400 loans a month to 2 loans and a refi.. and thats steps from taco bell and a shell gas station. I think ill take a small house off doheny for that...

InALittleMinute said...

This should be a sin for the eyes to see! Maybe it could look better without some of that horrific furniture and a revamp of the pool area! YUCK!

Anonymous said...

you can smell this place from BH.

Anonymous said...

I'll take it.
Who is the listing agent?

Anonymous said...

i am just verifying that everyone noticed the peacock inspired feather plants behind the couch? look closely, dont let their beauty go unnoticed

:)

Anonymous said...

Smiley,

I bet they collect a lot of DUST!!!

Maybe they pass out Claritn as you enter the ugly pos.

Anonymous said...

There's not enough bleach, hot water and elbow grease to scrub out what's been done in that bathroom spa.

Anonymous said...

I would share some of my dynamite to blast that spa but I think 2260 Sunset Plaza is going to take every stick.

John said...

I don't care what you have to say. I think the house is VERY funny.

Anonymous said...

Ugh!

Where did they get the pool design ...Beverly Hillbillies house? Look, it's the Cement pond!

Anonymous said...

RAYZIT1

StPaulSnowman said...

This house validates the stereotype of cheap, er expensive, pretentious California residential architecture. And you don't even have snow to mask its ugliness in winter. I say give it away on one of your reality shows.

dailycelebs.tv said...

It's a nice house, but one comment is so true...What has gone down in that Master Bathtub???

Nasty!

Bleach isn't going to get rid of that scum that has been in there...lol

so_chic_darling said...

I'm reminded of the house in Hancock Park with all the David statues in the driveway.Everytime my friend drives me by it I gasp.

Anonymous said...

So chic: the David house is horrifying but oh so amusing during the holidays when the David's have white twinkle lights all over them!!!

pch said...

Half of the shock with that house is that it's in staid, respectable Hancock Park. For those of y'all who don't know what we're talking about, someone thought it'd be a good idea to line their driveway with a phalanx of bad (and chalk white) copies of Michelangelo's David. This will give you a sense of it.

pch said...

Here's another angle. And dolled up for X-mas.

Alessandra said...

It isn't just the morning sickness. Those David statues make me want to retch.

lil' gay boy said...

Oy!

So much beige still can't hide the architectural crimes committed here.

Wretched, just wretched.

sandpiper said...

so_chic...What have you started? :)
And PCH, thanks for the Kodak moments. Too precious.

Here's the little jokester.

PS Alessandra, is there anything we need to know? An announcement perhaps? (morning sickness?)

Anonymous said...

Get educated, people. That columnination is not a rip off of San Simeon. It is rip off of a garden pool that dates back to the second century, not the 20th. The original is the endlessly imitated Canopus at the Villa Adriana in Tivoli. The North end, to be precise.

Flora

caveman said...

funny pics of the little weenie dudes. there was a show called, the butler? where this butler had to clean those statues. the guy who owned the house was a d-list rap, r&b singer, i think, maybe, i dunno.
i could be wrong.

& tuckers house is funny, what a stooge.

Alessandra said...

Flora, I'd say most of us are aware of the Greco-Roman influences of the pool at San Simeon. The precise pool and location may be new (though I'll bet Villa Adriana was a rip off of something from Greece) information. However, we're talking about a California property that is about 200 miles south of the Hearst estate. It is a valid comparison, especially given the lack of architectural integrity shown in the facade of the home.

Sandpiper, 'tis true. We're expanding by one more. Two kids who will be two years apart and hopefully not have exactly the same birthday. Sadly, we can't catch up with Bentley and his wife. If only my husband and I had met in our mid-twenties (well, we did, but I was married to someone else and was not available/interested) and had married then, instead of our mid-thirties. In theory, I'd love more kids, but in practice, I think the total two we're going to have are going to kick our asses more than enough.

/personal update

sandpiper said...

RE: Little Jokester link.

Don't know why above link wouldn't work. Trying again...If still misfires, copy and paste into browser.

http://www.myspace.com/norwoodyoung

sandpiper said...

[Personal reply. Please skip over.]

Alessandra,
Congrats! That's awesome news. Two is plenty. They are little blessings.

Anonymous said...

Actually, for the money it's a nice big house--looks solid, actually it costs a lot to build a house like this and it's a good buy. The pool is very nice--like a CLASSY vegas resort or exotic destination. Rip down the wall paper--get rid of the 80's modern/golden girls look and go back to georgian antique traditional look and you have yourself a HELL of a home at a HELL of a good price. Lot's o' potential here!!!!!!

average joe said...

There are many fine dining resturants and highend shops 5 minutes away, 10 minutes tops, it is a great area to live in.

You are also 30 min from century city and 30 min from malibu if you know the shortcuts.

Anonymous said...

Average baffoon,
Or, if you can dial up google maps and plug in Tarzana and Malibu. You are so impressive I'm bedazzled. You're not even in the same hemesphere.

average joe said...

anon 2 40 did your mother drop you when you were a baby ? what is it with the harsh comments ?

You have not lived there I have, you take 101 to topanga or kanan rd and you will be in malibu in 30 min or less.

please save your comments unless you have lived the experience

I am not impressed with the area, I simply lived there, I have also lived in bel air and bh and I prefer bel air but it is now way to pricey so I moved.

Anonymous said...

Awful house.

Hes as straight as Mr. Seacrest said...

Hate to break it to you, but if you were in the know, you would know Mr. Tucker is a guy who likes guys, if you know what I mean. And therefore, he knows plenty of gay decorators.

Get a clue, Chris is not straight.

Anonymous said...

This whole area is horrible and tacky, especially west of the sepulveda pass. Sherman Oaks and Studio City are decent, but everything else is a Persian Palace.

I'll promise you all this: tomorrow, when I'm out playing # 16 on the west course (like I do every day), I'll hit my second shot at that gaudy eyesore instead of the green...

Sanjay said...

These are all nice house picture I liked this swimming.

Anonymous said...

Yes, the house is tacky. No, Chris is NOT gay. You WISH he was.

Anonymous said...

I would say this CHRIS STAND STILL AND KNOW HE IS GOD NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST YOU SHALL PROPSER AND 2 EVERYONE MAKING NEGATIVE COMMENTS PRAY THAT HE COMES OUT PRAY HIS STENGTH ALWAYS THINK WHAT IF THAT WAS ME GOING THREW IN ORDER 2 COME OUT YOU HAVE 2 THREW .

Anonymous said...

That may require you to get some high end custom homes. They usually are worth it after all. I highly suggest it.

Steve said...

Is this Chris Tucker the celebrity? Very nice home regardless!