Wednesday, March 7, 2012

UPDATE: Kim Kardashian

Listen, chickens, Your Mama knows some of y'all would rather run rusty razors up under your toenails than read a damn thing about Paris Hilton's former frenemy turned amateur porn star turned (arguably over-exposed) reality show denizen turned kleig light-luvin' showbiz super-mogul Kim Kardashian. And we feel you. We really do.

None-the-less, pickins are a bit slim today and difficult as it may be for some to believe, for each of the children who could kare less about K.K.'s real estate-related activities, there are 12 more butter beans ringing our virtual bell. The more that bell ring-a-ling-a-lings the more money drops in to Your Mama coin purse. Don't hate because a person has to do what they got to do. Just because Your Mama's wagon is hitched to a BMW-driving doctor doesn't mean we get a free ride and don't have bills to pay like every body else. Not interested in K.K.? Then scoot yourself right along and we'll have something else for you to gnash your celebrity real estate teeth on soon enough.

Last week all us celebrity property gossips went 49 kinds of hog wild about a nearly 7,000 square foot mock-Med meets Asian-infused Craftsman-style mansion in the star-studded and guard-gated Mulholland Estates community near Sherman Oaks, CA that was—y'all will recall—widely and—as it turns out—incorrectly reported to have been leased by the recently married and quickly divorced K.K. for somewhere in the neighborhood of forty grand a month.

It wasn't long after our (embarrassingly bloated) discussion of the Mulholland Estates mansion before we received a covert communique from a chatty tattletale—let's call her Wanda Dishsomedirt—who whispered in Your Mama's ear that K.K. recently twice toured an 8,000-plus square foot mansion privately situated behind the elaborate gates of a small and swank enclave high in the rugged mountains above Beverly Hills.

Everybody with a damn brain understands that just because K.K. (allegedly) took a couple of spins through the posh property priced at almost eight-point-five million bucks doesn't mean she'll actually proceed with a purchase contract or lease agreement. All of this is just some silly celebrity real estate rumor and gossip at this point. 

Should the house huntress decide to lease or acquire the mini-estate in question, however, listing information indicates she'd lay claim to a red tile-roofed, 10-year old mock-Med mansion replete with a grand two-story foyer, formal living and dining rooms plus a great room with projection system and high-def movie screen, 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms, and a 150-bottle wine cellar.

Listing information goes on to show the walled, gated and landscaped acre-plus grounds include a long, gated driveway at the front that leads to a tiled motor court with 3-car garage and at the rear a deep, bougainvillea-draped patio that overlooks the swimming pool, party-sized 12-person spa, and  soccer pitch-sized lawn. Beyond all that is an expansive view of the surrounding canyon and mountains.

K.K. kurrently owns a nearly 4,000 square foot faux-Tuscan villa in the Beverly Hills Post Office area purchased, according to property records, in February 2010 for $3,400,000. It was here at the front gate of K.K.'s 5 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom mansion where some creepy "fan" showed up with his luggage and attempted to persuade the K.K.'s private security detail he was meant to move in to the mansion during the taping of whatever reality program K.K. was scheduled to begin taping. It was this intruder alert ridiculousness that had has led K.K.—so the scuttlebutt goes—to seek out a new krib that offers a higher level of security and a greater degree of privacy.

Were K.K. to ask Your Mama's advice—and we'd bet both our long-bodied bitches Linda and Beverly she won't—we'd suggest she hightail her Alaska-sized backside right on back to the hot as Hades far western suburbs of Los Angeles from whence she came where she can currently choose from two mansions previously leased by pop music megastar Britney Spears.

Several years ago Miz Spears rented the so-called Chateau Suenos, a nearly 10,000 square foot faux-French "chateau" set on 1.2 landscaped acres in a double-gated enclave in Calabasas. The 6 bedroom and 7 bathroom beast of a house, which Your Mama heard but can not confirm was twice toured by Justin Beiber, has been on and off the market for—literally—years and is currently listed at $5,999,000.

Perhaps a better or at least more grandiose option for K.K. might be the upscale but guard-gated, low-key, and celebrity-friendly Hidden Hills community—long the locale of the Kardashian-Jenner family seat—where she might want to konsider the massive, 19,107 square foot Tudor-style mansion recently vacated by Miz Spears and now available to pre-qualified buyers only with an asking price of $9,995,000. Some of the children may recall the owner of the three-plus acre high-maintenance estate—that would be construction tycoon Ron Tutor—unsuccessfully attempted to sell the 10 bedroom and 13 bathroom estate with a much higher $18,900,000 price tag.


nursedeb said...

does the 150 bottles of wine come with it?

Anonymous said...

Kim needs to find a community where she'd be appreciated and, really, Hidden Hills would make the most sense as the people there like a good horse's ass.

Anonymous said...

Mama, I still love you and I respect that you unlike other bloggers are whoring yourself out by posting the Kardashians for money.

Desert Donna said...

I have yet to skip over any post Mama, but this one I must. This is saying alot, after you Beiber update yesterday... that I still read top to bottom. Enough already!! (said respectfully)

Anonymous said...

@3:16. At the risk of sounding like I'm kissing Mama's ass, I read all of her posts b/c I like Mama's writing; I laugh even if I'm not interested in the topic. We greedy children expect Mama to whip up at least one post a day for our consumption and, frankly, there aren't always items out there. When that happens you reach for the low fruit. People like Kim exist because their fruit is always low and they maintain an orchard on every damned corner.

Anonymous said...

LMAO Doug.

I guess we should thank our lucky stars there are no Jersey Shore posts. Oh god, what have I done?

Anonymous said...

Doug, I agree with what you're saying, and I'm wondering if you're a low hung fruit? Just curious. :-)

Anonymous said...

Doug, and I'm wondering if you're a low hung fruit? Just curious. :-)

LOL! No, I'm an ugly old Jew. Any fruit I had either fermented or turned to raisins YEARS ago! But, thanks for asking.

midTN said...

I agree with Doug...Mama's writing on ANY subject is worth the read. I'm not here to educate myself about anyone really, least of all that Kardashian mob.

How anyone could be a "fan" of that tribe is beyond me....and don't preach to me about how "successful" they have been in business. Any slick talking madam and her loyal whores can easily do a good business with the right exposure.


Anonymous said...

OK, you have to tell me, point by point, what is Asian and Craftsman about that other house!

lil' gay boy said...

Mama, I'm all out of rusty razor blades --- will some old barbed wire do as a substitute?

No wonder Eddy Monsoon refers to the Kardashians as a "new disease", with Patsy confirming they're spreading like head lice...

Anonymous said...

Kim should buy the Brittany Spears home in the Summit above Beverly Hills. The guards that work there are already trained to deal with Paparrazi, and the neighbors are used to the fuss that goes with having a media press hound in the hood. $3 mill is a good price and it would make for a great story on E and for all the movie mags.