Monday, December 13, 2010

LeBron James Goes Big in Miami

BUYER: LeBron James
PRICE: $9,000,000
SIZE: 12,178 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen buggaboos, the desktop of our trusty laptop computer is all cluttered up and disheveled with previously reported stories that for one reason or another Your Mama did not discuss. In the interest of historical record and in an attempt to clear out some of the cobwebs that linger on our desktop and in our ginned up brain we're going to discuss a few of them. We apologize if any of the children are all, "Been there and done that" about the whole thing but Your Mama tries like the dickens to do y'all good every damn day so we would appreciate a little patience while we clean some celebrity real estate house off our desk.

All of y'all know by now that Your Mama can't tell a football from a Christmas ball but even our normally sports-deaf ears can't escape receiving some of the hoopla that surrounds professional ball dribbler LeBron James. Not knowing who the man really is we spent the better part of the morning in a frustrating and futile effort to reach our ball crazy b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau in order to get the low-down on LeBron James. After a sufficient amount of time passed that we needed early morning nerve pill we finally got through to the bizzy beaver who appears to have spent the better part of a half day snuggled up in bed checking her damn Facebook and ignoring her mobile phone. After we asked her to tell us about Mister James she hissed and hollered about how rude it was for Your Mama bust into her day and not to know anything about, "a tall, dark, handsome and RICH glass of hot chocolate like LeBron James," which she actually pronounced "Lee-Bron Damn James."

We filed our toe nails while we waited patiently for Fiona who huffed and puffed like a silly hyena but eventually the ol' gurl pulled herself together told us the following (and we paraphrase): He was a bit of a basketball prodigy in high school who skipped college and headed direct to the pros; His momma made a lot of people all righteous with moral indignation back in 2003 when it was alleged she used her son's future earnings as a professional ball player to buy him an $80,000 Hummer with 3 tee-vees in the damn thing for his 18th birthday; He used to play for the Cleveland Cavaliers but he recently traded over to the Miami Heat where he earns upwards of $15,000,000 a year not counting his many lucrative endorsement deals; He recently laid out $9,00,000 for a colossal bay front contemporary near the Coconut Grove area of Miami, FL.

Thanks to Arman Inmiami–who generously forwarded Your Mama a copy of the listing, we know that Mister James–just 20-something year old and that baby daddy of two–snatched up a newly built 12,178 square feet mansion squeezed on to a 19,941 square foot parcel that includes a total of 6 bedrooms, 8 terliting and bathing facilities plus a powder pooper for guests.

The walled and gated three-floor house–that looks to Your Mama, architecturally speaking, like the sort of just-off-the-highway hotel-motel where one stays when driving cross-country or maybe when your boss is too cheap to spring for something more luxe–sits hard on the street with a front facing three car garage. The main living spaces are located on the second floor which has an impress the guess style entry with sweeping stair case and double height ceiling, formal living and dining rooms and a vast kitchen with marble counter tops, two work islands, and shimmery stainless steel tile back splash.

The master suite up on the waterside of the third floor has dual dressing rooms and poopers and a private covered terrace with a cantilevered spiral staircase that leads up to a roof terrace with 360 degree views. Three additional family bedrooms and a guest suite take up the remaining area of the third floor. Somewhere up in the huge house there is also a great room with wet bar, a professional-looking home theater, paneled library, wine cellar and a guest house that offers overnight visitors or staff private living room, bedroom and bathroom. Other amenities include an elevator for the lazy and/or infirm, a total of 3 wet bars that all the boozers like Your Mama will appreciate, generator in the event of a power loss and, natch, state of the art audio, security and lighting systems.

In addition to the several terraces and balconies, the property's outdoor space includes a slim walled courtyard-style front yard with Queen Anne palms and a small patch of grass, a waterside infinity edged swimming pool and spa, summer kitchen and a concrete dock equipped to handle not just one but two 60-foot long yachts. We don't know if Mister James has any 60-foot yachts but Your Mama would not be in the least bit surprised to read in the tabs that he's out boat shopping.


Brooke said...

I wish it were decorated. I indifferent on the property. Glad there is an elevator - someone might need to save their knees.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

No gigantic in-wall aquarium?

Ernesto said...

ditto for me..uninteresting, VERY!

Anonymous said...

nice house, lebron.

Anonymous said...

Momma he was never traded from anywhere, he left Cleveland