Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Kyrstle Carrington's Crib in Bev Hills

SELLER: Linda Evans
LOCATION: Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $3,295,000
SIZE: 3,904 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen, ginger snaps, the celebrity real estate world is dry as toast right now. Sure, Jennifer Aniston is reported to be shopping for a New York City pied a terre and new reports indicate that Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick didn't buy Loews theater heiress Laurie Tisch's sprawling and awkwardly laid out doo-plex on the Upper West Side after all. But in general we got diddly-squat, or next to squat anyway.

Taking our current information impoverished circumstances into account, bear with Your Mama as we continue our ugly quest to scrape some of the hardened up wads of gum off the bottom of our desk. One of the older hunks of gum clinging to our desktop is the Beverly Hills, CA residence that former actress Linda Evans put on the market more than a month ago with an asking price of $3,295,000.

Miz Evans, of course, is best known for her role as the iconic, flaxen haired high society beehawtcha Krystle Carrington on the 1980s night time soap story Dynasty. Her time in the business of show, however, began long before she solidified her role in pop cultural history with Dynasty. Among many other roles, in the early 1960s she played on The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet, in the late sixties she shook her money maker opposite the legendary Barbara Stanwyck on The Big Valley and in the 1970s she appeared on Hunter as Marty Shaw, a U.S. government spy whose cover was, natch, as a model.

Along the way she married and went the court of dee-vorce twice, first with Beverly Hills Realtor Stan Herman and then with actor John Derek. She spent much of the 1980s in the company of mustachioed musician Yanni, an enormously successful New Age-y sort of fellow with a distinct musical aroma of cheese ball in the same vein as saxophonist Kenny G and singer Michael Bolton. At some point in the late 80s or early 1990s Miz Evans high tailed in out of Tinseltown for the rugged streets of Tacoma, WA. The move was, allegedly, embarked on so that Miz Evans could be nearer to her controversial (and some say crack pot) spiritual guide J.Z. Knight, a mystic-ladee who goes around telling people she channels some Lemurian warrior named Ramtha, whoever the devil that is.

Anyhoo, Miz Evans moved to Tacoma where she owned a chain of fitness centers and, until the early 2000s, lived at the Villa Madera (previously called Villa Carman), a 10,000+ square foot mansion built in 1919. The scenically situated lake front residence has 6 bedrooms, 6 fireplaces, a hotel lobby sized 1,400 square foot living room with 18-foot ceilings and a 1,200 square foot master bedroom with sitting area, fireplace and his and her poopers and dressing rooms. She sold the property, according to property records, in June of 2002 for $1,900,000.

All during her time in Tacoma, Miz Evans kept her home in Beverly Hills in her property portfolio. She probably occupied the house from time to time over the years she shacked up primarily in Tacoma but back in the fall of 2007 Your Mama heard from Our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills that Miz Evans put her house in the Bev Hills Post Office out for lease with an asking price of $14,500 per month. We're not sure whether Miz Evans managed to lease out the house and, if so, at what price. What is clear is that she no longer wishes to own the home, which is why, of course, it's on the market.

Property records show that Miz Evans has owned the house since October of 1981 when she paid $590,000 for the near half-acre mini-estate tucked up into a quiet cul-de-sac in the Post Office area of Beverly Hills. The "Post Office" designation means that it has a Bev Hills zip code but City of Los Angeles services, a distinction that anyone in the 90210 will tell you is of enormous import when it comes to publicly schooling children or calling the po-po to come deal with the crack head quasi-celebrity neighbor who has a tendency to roam around the neighborhood in his (or her) under garments pulling weeds up out of other people's yards.

Current listing information shows the single story brick ranch spreads out over 3,904 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms, 5.5 poopers and 3 fireplaces. The walled, hedged and electronically gated grounds include a large circular drive at the front of the house where the front door is discreetly set into a small paneled alcove flanked by a couple of potted citrus trees. The long wood floored entry hall stretches clear through the house from the front door to a pair of French doors in the family room that open to the brick terrace at the back of the house.

To the right of the entry is the cozy formal dining room and to the right a partly wood paneled living room with vaulted wood-paneled ceiling, hardwood floors and a brick built corner fireplace. Beyond the dining room, an awful awful awful cornflower blue kountry kitchen has a large butler's pantry, sunny breakfast nook that overlooks the front yard, blue and white floral wallpaper and an exhaust hood over the island range that looks large enough to suck up every molecule of the smog in Los Angeles. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter once had an old farmhouse on the east coast that came to use with a eyeball punishing cornflower blue kountry kitchen. We ripped that sucker out as soon as we had the dough-re-me to do so. But we digress...

A long multi-level family room that runs along the back of the house has hardwood floors, a raised eating area, built-in barbecue and booze bar, and a wall of floor to ceiling glass panels that look out on the small backyard and the steep hillside that rises directly behind the house. The family room looks like it got hit by the decorating stick of some nice, gay decorator whose decorative schtick is Mario Buatta goes to the French-ish countryside in 1982. There's a chintz roll-armed sofa, striped arm chairs, antique looking southwestern style rugs and the most upsetting balloon valance Your Mama has had the misfortune of laying eyes on for a long time. The track lighting and angular all glass coffee table are merely the icing on the démodé decorative cake. But in all fairness we're not sure if this day-core reflects the outdated and gurly taste of Miz Evans or that of a recent tenant...remember, she leased the house out before putting it on the market.

Anyhoo, back in the bedroom wing the master suite features a wood-paneled and barrel vaulted ceiling, sitting area in front of on imported fireplace, walk-in closets and oatmeal colored wall to wall carpeting. Your Mama regrets to inform the children that the oatmeal wall to wall goes right on into at least one of the two master poopers where there is also a sauna and a dangerous looking sunken soaking tub. A detached structure with private pooper can be used an a home office, fitness room, guest unit or sex dungeon, whatever your needs or pleasures may be.

Most of the usable outdoor space is actually in the front of the house and there's just a slim courtyard style back yard runs along the back of the house. A couple of brick terraces sit at opposite ends of the petite swimming pool that sits so damn close to the house that it gives Your Mama the vertigo just to think of the inner fortitude it would take to navigate that narrow strip of brick between the pool and the house after a long afternoon nipping at the bottle. You know what we're saying, you know you do. A low brick wall divides the shaded terrace from the steeply sloping hillside where scads of birds of paradise plants arch over the swimming pool like praying mantis looking to snatch up a puppy or a small child.

listing photos: Prudential California Realty–Beverly Hills


Anonymous said...

The well-done photography provides this house its best chance for gaining buyer interest. And then for any interested buyer will be the trip to the cul-de-sac when a wild and wooly curb appearance hits ya in the face for a first impression (not in Mama's pics). I would make the full cul-de-sac loop after only seeing the street vision, and head right on back down the road. Unless Miss Linda has recently cleaned up and "enhanced" the curb for some "appeal", this house shall continue to be on the market for a looooong while I suspect. Designed to Sell needs to pay this house a visit!

Too funny, Mama, about that range hood. Well said, as usual!

Anonymous said...

Mama, I don't want to be impertinent or nuthin' but would it be too much trouble to ask someone to proof read your articles before you publish them?
Sometimes it gets confusing trying to make sense of the sentences.
And that's with no gin at all. Maybe that's where I've gone wrong but I think gin is bad juju.
The Aussie

Housey said...

WOW what a fugly house! Does a Smurf live in that kitchen? That place needs a TON of work. I'm not sure if it's bad lighting, but the white paint in the dining room appears to have black marks on it. The kitchen needs to be repainted and totally updated. Not sure what's going on with the master tub, but it looks dirty. And of course the front yard needs some landscaping.

Marge Colby said...

Love the kitchen color from the House of Simpson Collection at Lowe's.

Jeannified said...

I actually like the place, with all of it's quirky style. I ESPECIALLY like that kitchen, if you can believe that. Maybe, though, it's because I was born in a small town in South carolina, where you would find a kitch like this in one of the "high class" houses! ;-)

Madam Pince said...

Lawd, Mama, Miss Krystle's house is dated. The cabinets in the kitchen and bath are from a thankfully bygone era, not to mention that hideous blue paint which Marge Colby so accurately pegs as a product of the House of Simpson Collection at Lowe's. I won't even try to address anything in that hideous family room. But having owned it for nearly 30 years, Miss Krystal is gonna make a bundle no matter what she gets.

JC said...

Dear Linda,

The house is like the face of its owner: a disaster that even the greatest of renovations won't be able to salvage. An utter tear down.


Joan Collins

Anonymous said...

Oh, Mama! The praying mantis line had me howling!

Anonymous said...

Too funny JC

Pebble Beach said...

This place is a prime candidate for a complete gut job. 1981 called and it's hideous.

Anonymous said...

i would guestimate that 2.3m is probably a realistic sale price, no? don't know the neighborhood, but is it a realistic tear down situation, numbers-wise? you would need a street that can support a 5.5 to 6m house to make it work for a builder, but you could update for under a million.
i am almost 100 percent certain that this decor is all linda, and that if these are current pictures and not an archived set from the time that paige rense photographed it for another much anticipated hollywood edition of architectural digest, then no one ever leased it for any significant period of time. for anyone who saw her appearance this year on oprah (older actresses feeling pressured to keep looking "young"), when she was shown at home in wherever she is, then you will know that linda, as lovely as she seems to be, has absolutely awful taste.

Mike in Brentwood said...

More pics here:


Jumpin' Jejosephat in LA said...

I come at Mamma with nothing but respect and humility, prostrate in broken glass, with one small correction to your otherwise 'have me laughing with tears' observation of this property. The plants that are behind the pool are actually Giant Bird of Paradise and not bananas. The only reason I even felt the need to point this out is the fact that if they were indeed bananas, depending on the species and appropriate care, one would have the possibility of a delicious harvest of the fruit. However, with the Bird of Paradise,especially the giant variety, one has nothing to look forward to but providing quite suitable nesting material for the unavoidable rat population in the area. Again, all due respect to you Mamma, and you continue to brighten my days in anticipation of your next commentary. I salute you and the thankless entertainment you provide to the unwashed masses such as myself.

Mama'sBoy said...

Positively ghastly!

Anonymous said...

OMG that vent hood looks like the lid to King Tut's sarcophagus. Were there Smurfs in ancient Egypt? And - black - black! - track lights on a - white! - ceiling!!?? Was Home Depot all out of white ones that day?

Anonymous said...

Mama, Great post as always. For any of Mama's children who have any interest, here's the link from April 2009 when Huntington Hartford's former house on Paradise Island was last for sale for $19-million--obviously not by him or his estate, but by the then current owners. There are quite a few pictures of the estate and the house at the bottom of the article.

Anonymous said...

OOPS, sorry Mama--I meant to post the article on Huntington Hartford's estate on Paradise Island under your article on River House--NOT on your article on Linda Evan's house--SORRY!

LastDiva said...

Perusing the link so kindly provided by Mike in Brentwood, I noticed something amusing aside from the distressing and well-commented-upon day-core: the photographer moved that damn vase of hideous bright yellow flowers into multiple shots: kitchen table, kitchen counter, TWO DAMN BATHROOMS, a bedroom, the entry drive, the backyard terrace, AND on the pizza-oven "soda" bar! The vase of stargazer lilies are in almost as many shots. And I despise those black-eyed susan yellow flowers almost as much as Our Mama hates orchids.

Also? All that pattern has upset ME to the point that I need a nerve pill of my own. I could use an ocular palate cleanser!

Anonymous said...

Actually. I use to own a house in B.H.P.O and my ex WAS a crack head. The two times I had to call the Police to the house because of said mentioned crack head. Three Police cars were at the door within minutes both times. As for sending your kids to public schools..Your buying a $40 million dollar home and your still sending the kids to Public school???? Maybe South of Sunset.