Thursday, February 14, 2008

Roma Downey: Touched by a Real Estate Angel

OWNER: Roma Downey
LOCATION: Malibu Colony Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $100,000 per month (Summer 2008)
SIZE: 3,829 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The charm of this beach front Malibu Colony home pulls at your heartstrings. The casual yet elegant decor of this fully furnished five-bedroom home provides for beach living at its best. Pamper yourself in the spacious master suite with two sitting areas and a large master bath. Your family or guests can enjoy the privacy of the separate bedrooms and baths and adjoining sitting areas for conversations, games or TV. Spend cozy evening in front of the fireplace in the living room or master bedroom. Invite friends to spend the weekend an you can all enjoy the pool, built-in barbecue and wide sandy beach.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It may only be mid-February, but according to Mister Braden Keil in his recent Gimme Shelter column in the NY Post, well to do New Yorkers are already getting into bidding wars and cat fights over prime summer rental properties in the Hamptons. So, whether you live on the East Coast or the Left Coast, now is clearly the time to ring your ritzy real estate agent, pull out your checkbook, and jump in your Mercedes E-class with the heated seats and head to the Hamptons or the shores of Malee-boo to lock up your summer rental before you get axed out by some cash carrying 26 year old hedge fund honcho or before Mary Kate and Ashley beat you to the lease on that cute cottage on Carbon or Las Costa.

We know some of you rich people have bizzy schedules jetting here and there, so today Your Mama would like to help out with a lovely and expensive summer rental option in Malee-boo. If you are both a summer renter and a star fucker, then Your Mama thinks this ocean front summeer rental in the guard gated celebrity enclave of the Malibu Colony just might be the perfect choice. Not only will you be body surfing and sunbathing next to folks like Jim Carrey, Ted Dansen, Brian Grazer, billionaire Jerrold Perenchio, and that rough looking Pam Anderson ladee–whom Your Mama frets about considerably–you'll be writing out your rent checks to actress Roma Downey, who most of you will recall as the white ladee from the thankfully canceled namby-pamby Touched By An Angel program on the boob tube. Although this program clearly made Miz Downey bucket loads of money and her co-star, the indomitable Della Reese, was as campy as a drag queen in a krazy wig, Your Mama is just not down with that sort of religious dogma disguised a television show. So no offense and all due respect to Missus Downey and Reese, but Your Mama does not want to be touched by any television angels so we're quite happy that show no longer clutters up our channels.

Anyhoo, Miz Downey is currently married to her fourth huzband, the screamingly successful and filthy rich reality television producer Mark Burnett (Survivor, Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, The Apprentice and more), and when they're in Malee-boo they shack up in a commodious ocean front estate Mister Burnett purchased in 2005 from big wig producer and serial house flipper Sandy Gallin for more than $25,000,000. So, obviously Miz Downey has no use for her 3,829 square foot beach digs in the uber-exclusive Malibu Colony. So it might as well make some money for her, right? Thanks to an informant we'll call Mister Malibu, Your Mama has learned that Miz Downey has put her Colony digs out for lease at $100,000 per month for the summer season ($60,000 per month winter short term and $45,000 month year round).

Property records show that Miz Downey purchased the 5 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom quasi-Mediterranean house back in October 1997 when she was still earning the big bucks on Touched By An Angel and was married to her third husband, producer/director David Anspaugh. Listing information for the property indicates that in addition to the white sofa stuffed living room, the galley kitchen and the four family/guest bedrooms, the three story getaway features a mammoth ocean view master bedroom with two sitting areas, a fireplace, a large bathroom, a sleeping area and a private balcony overlooking the roiling surf.

Miz Downey's property happens to be one of the few ocean side houses in the Colony with a swimming pool, a super dee-luxe amenity in any house that sits on the sand just a few feet from the Pacific Ocean. While it would certainly not be required that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have a heated pool in our ocean front rental, it's a nice feature if you can afford it because the Pacific Ocean can be shockingly cold even on the hottest of summer days. Listen here puppies, We do not want to hear any lip from you people who desire to claim the Pacific ain't freezing cold...Your Mama grew up on the beach in California and we know exactly what happens to the ladees' and the mens' naughty bits during a dip in the bracing waters of the Pacific Ocean.

The interior day-core of Miz Downey's former digs are far too Shabby Chic for our personal preference and the kitchen is a wee too plain and 1980s for our taste, but the property none the less does look like the cozy kind of place one could comfortably pad around in nothing but a pair of sunglasses moving from one slip covered sofa to the next with a book by David Foster Wallace or an unauthorized biography of the ever so fascinating Elizabeth Taylor.

So, while Your Mama would never allow our nice gay decorator to do up our beach house in the High Pottery Barn style, let's be honest children, it's a rental that the tenants are prolly going to tear the place up. And, due to it's extreme exclusivity, many decorating crimes can be forgiven in an ocean front rental in the Malibu Colony. If you can afford it, you just do like Project Runway's Tim Gunn says and, "Make it work" until you can afford an ocean front getaway of your own to renovate and decorate as you see fit.

It appears that both Miz Downey and Mister Burnett were touched by real estate angels because in addition to this property in the Colony and the above mentioned estate the couple share on the cliffs above Paradise Cove, property records indicate that Mister Burnett owns another ocean front house on Malibu Road. We should all be so lucky as to own $50,000,000 in prime ocean front Malee-boo real estate, right?


Anonymous said...

High Potter Barn style - that is funny.

A sleeping area, in the master bedroom suite? Dubious use of space.

Galley kitchens shouldn't exist in a homes as large and costly as this one. Period.

I can't quite figure out the pool. Is there a raised plexi-glass seating area over one half of it, or do you get to swim wedged between the house and the plastic ocean view patio? Please advise.

The driftwood-colored beams are refreshing. Beaming ususally adds an austerity to rooms, but these are nice and light.

Anonymous said...

Before everyone starts shouting about the $100K / month rent please note that good summer rentals on the beach in Malibu usually are $75K - $100K+ ... it's fact!

The house is o.k but the colony literally has zero sand when the tides in ... unless you live at Stings end. I'm all for being in the center of Malibu but if I'm forking out $300K for the summer I want some sand between my toes ... So, I would endure PCH for another 10 miles or so & rent on Broad Beach ... Proper wide beach without the PCH noise that you get on Carbon ...

Anonymous said...


I think the raised deck is mirrored along the pool then you have the glass railing on top to keep you from falling back into the pool while lounging on the deck.

Anonymous said...

Hey Bentley,
I looked twice at that plexi pool divider, too. Then noticed there's a second wall of it by outer deck. Guessing it blocks wind yet preserves view. Sometimes the sand can really kick up, too.

Anonymous said...


That pool is a mystery to me too; at first it looked like some elevated Trex decking over the end of the pool, but then where are those reflections in the water coming from? My best guess? Like Anon 8:45 says, that just might be a mirror at the end of the pool, and what appears to be water under the raised deck is actually a reflection off the surface of the pool. Check the angles of the shadows in the reflections.

I'm stumped.

The lightly pickled wood beams and posts are fine except in the bedroom; something about their arrangement is bowling alley-like, even taking into account the angle of the photo.

The blah decor is perfect for a rental property, although I personally would go for darker shades to hide the stains from what will undoubtedly be a multitude of "fluids" spilled over the summer. Still keep the tones light enough to create that "airy" impression, but dark enough to hide where Spot lifted his leg (or someone got a leg over, etc.)

The galley kitchen is forgivable only because it's a rental, and other than grabbing another G&T, beer or fetching the steaks for the BBQ (although I don't spot one), how much time will you really spend in there? But you're right Bentley, at this price point it should be more substantial (I don't see either a Viking or a SubZero, just a cheap cooktop and undercounter microwave.)

Not much to the outside of the house, which surprises me; if your're going to be outdoors most of the time, you should have some interesting architecture to look at when you turn your gaze away from the ocean and its micro beach.

Anonymous said...

mama, mark did not produce american idol

Anonymous said...

I like the house. But then I'm a whore to any beach house...the pool appears to have a mirror at the end of it with a raised plexiglass divider at the top so that the people lounging don't get splashed on. That's my guess.

Anonymous said...

Oh LGB, You just don't get it. Ever. You just can't help yourself.

The kitchen is a def. not very inspired, but there is indeed a subzero AND a built in barbecue beside the pool.

Yes, there is a mirror behind the pool, which is odd. don't know why it's there really. Behind that, towards the beach is a raised sunbathing deck that is wrapped in glass (front and back) to help with the wind and preserve the view as someone above said.

I agree that a wider beach would be nice, but I prefer the behind the gates security here over carbon, broad or la costa any day. Not dogging those beaches out, just like a secured street is all.

Your Mama said...

Dear 9 Beaches,

Thank you dear for that correction. It was a rough night and an early morning. We've fixed our error.


Anonymous said...

Hey Bentley,

I knew I was right with my answer; just didn't want to appear arrogant or showy. Check it out!.

It's really something special!

Anonymous said...

Anon 9:41,

Can you help these old tired eyes out? I'm not spotting either the SubZero (is it that white fridge at the right edge of the photo? I'm used to seeing the stainless steel variety.)

I'm also not spotting any built in BBQ by the pool - where TF is it? I just don't see it. Are you looking at some additional photos of the place? Have you got a link you can share?

I agree with you that the mirror is odd; who wants to watch themselves being watched swimming by the folks on deck above?

Anonymous said...

mama, you're so right about the slip covered upholstery!
It all needs lipo immediately!

Anonymous said...

Thanks Sandpiper, for the link (which came after Anon's post)!


But is that white thing really a SubZero?

Oh, who cares at this point . . . ?

And who wants to play Marco Polo in a mirrored pool? Someone could get hurt.


Anonymous said...

IMHO, the mirror is to make the pool seem less claustrophobic. And if it wasn't many children would be whining about a 100k rental with a pool sitting in a hole? Thought so.

Anonymous said...

Sandpiper, Alessandra,

There's a BUDDHA in the garden!

Oh, my.

Anonymous said...

Yep, its a Sub Zero. The doors match the kitchen cabs. I love the open beams, location, etc. But I've never liked the "Hampton" vibe of this particular style. I have seen a few similar designs given the L.A. once-over, transforming Vanilla into Wild Berry. Okay, maybe its because I'm eating Wild Berry on me toast right now... but you get the idea. Great house, could be AbFab in short order with the right LGB.

Anonymous said...

Is there a full moon tonight or what?

Posing a legit question is admirable. It is what happens next that makes me want to squirt dishsoap in my eyes.

I am so glad the refrigerator brand is cleared up. I was about to start typing in caps. The pool mirror issue is still deeply disturbing and I fear unresolved. A few here are looking at pictures they don't understand of a property in a market they know nothing about, then they comment? So much for intellectual banter.

Anonymous said...

Cheers Sandpiper,
That is a great link, and what I thought was initially one of the poorer pool designs I've seen is actually very cool.
With the ocean so close it's more of a plunger than a floater. Surely a talking point at parties, too. Unique.

Father Dowling said...

Initally I liked it but after looking at the other pics, frankly I don't like it, I guess it would be nice and quiet there in the Colony, but frankly when I step into my (and when I say "My" I mean "my imaginary") 100k ocean front rental I want to see nothing but ocean, not some silly brick pool with mirror, then patio, then ocean.

Anonymous said...

"I agree that a wider beach would be nice, but I prefer the behind the gates security here over carbon, broad or la costa any day. Not dogging those beaches out, just like a secured street is all"

What? Oh Please ... Anyone can park at Surfrider or on Malibu Rd & walk onto the colony & access your home from the beach - this happened to Pamela Anderson ... the colony is far from secure. Besides, all the celebrities & billionaires that are lined up & down La Costa, Carbon, Malibu Rd & Broad Beach don't have any trouble so why you need a guarded street is beyond me!

Alessandra said...

This is the type of house you are thrilled to rent for a season, but that you would never buy. The kitchen is not usable with the range twenty feet away from the fridge. The pool feels jammed up against the house, so don't drink a whole pitcher of gin and then wander from the living room down to the beach.

Seriously, if I had $100k to spend on a Malibu rental, I'd take this one in heart beat, enjoy my stay and then be glad some one else was responsible for maintenance and taxes.

LGB...I'll take your word about the Buddha in the garden. Why does it not surprise me? Buddhas are becoming ubiquitous, much like macrame owls were popular in the mid-70s.

Anonymous said...

10:43-Even with the mirror, the pool feels like it is in a hole.

Anonymous said...

10L43, Respectfully, they made the hole so the water would stay in. Would you like this fantastic beach house better if it had an above ground pool? You could still do mirrors.

Anonymous said...

I'm with above (anon 2:44)...respectfully to 10:43...

Except for my super funny and trashtastic cousin Wanda in Pensacola, most of the swimming pools I'm familiar with are indeed holes in the ground with water in 'em.


They's some angry bitches with their claws out and scratchin' up in here today. (Yes, I'm talking to you anon 2:18pm). Now that's entertainment!

Anonymous said...

There's something suspicious about such a perfectly scaled galley kitchen. It's too functional for informal buffets or the big catered summer write off. The cocktail table has some paint chips and I would point that out so they don't deduct it from my security deposit. I would bring resin chairs and card tables for more outside seating by the mirrors.

Anonymous said...

Barren Karen, Bentley, Hippie, Sandpiper, Aunt Mary, Alessandra, some various anons and one or two I know I'm missing; and of course Mama - this one's in honor of you:

"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."
Eleanor Roosevelt

You're up there with the great minds in my book.

Anonymous said...

".......oh who cares at this point?"

Anonymous said...

Is "personality disorder" an idea, a subject or a person?

Anonymous said...

Dear Psych,
Yes, hoo-rahhhaaa! There may be help after all.
Personality disorder is the topic of my (our) frustration. Help me (we) deal with it constructively.

Anonymous said...

Since we're offering quotes, I'll offer this one on The Narcissist.

Half the harm that is done in this world

Is due to people who want to feel important

They don't mean to do harm–

But the harm does not interest them

Or they do not see it, or they justify it

Because they are absorbed in the endless struggle

To think well of themselves.

––T.S. Eliot

Does this sound like anyone we know?

Anonymous said...

Oh dear, now we have someone talking as if they are two or more...

I like the house, love the bath and would rent in a heartbeat! I love a pool by the beach. I love to look at the beach and walk on the beach but I don't like to sit on it or swim in the ocean. And Mama's right, the Pacific is always cold!

Anonymous said...

Dear P,
Yes it does, I'm sad to agree.

Anonymous said...

Or how about this one:

Narcissist: A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.

Anonymous said...


I've been to CA a number of times, but in the Pacific only once; it truly is too cold. I'm a pool vs beach person too.

What's say you and I sit by the pool after we get our nails done and watch the natives freeze their asses off?

We'll fire up the laptop, cruise to, and see how many different languages we can find to say words like intolerant, petty, and my personal favorite, anhedonia.

Anonymous said...

I'm down with doing that LGB. I had to look up anhedonia. But yes, word lingo should do fine. I would add hateful, hurtful and just plain awful!

Anonymous said...


It's a date! But let's be kind - people often accuse others of what they don't like in themselves.


Go ahead, give them the good news; in rare cases, it can be fatal. Provided, of course, that the diagnosis is accurate.

Then perhaps they can sleep soundly tonight.

BTW, odd you should choose Eliot to quote: - "Eliot's fame has been shadowed by accusations of racism, misogynism, fascism, emotional coldness, and anti-Semitism."

A poster boy for narcissist if I ever saw one.

Anonymous said...

Somebody's nerves got touched.

LGB, Maybe you could just skip over all the comments from people who have politely, respectfully, angrily, nastily and pleadingly asked you to consider that the problem here may in fact not be them but you.

You don't find it at all strange or telling that you and only you are the focus of people's frustrations here? You don't find it odd at all? Is it simply not possible that people frustrations with you could be justified? Or is everyone that is upset about this just an angry, bitter and anhedonic (sp) asshole out to get you?

Something to think about, but of course, we all know you will not. You'll just keep on with the commenting every 20 minutes whether you need to or not.

Anonymous said...

uh I like the house and the hpb look.(sorry to disapoint you Mama) y'all need to quit fussin. You make Mama look bad. It's about the house not about one another. let it go.

Anonymous said...

hi there,

i admire your continued even tone. even tho, you, and many of us, are frustrated by the LGB near constant posting and posing.

but, like a true narcissist, he thrives on all the attention.

a conumdrum.

as for eliot, don' t forget, he also died of lung cancer due to SMOKING.

but you know what, he also wrote thing like this,

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee
With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,
And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten,
And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.

stop being such a NIMROD, LGB.

get it together, dude.

Anonymous said...

There's a reason why Mama calls all you fools the children you know.

Anonymous said...

hi. there's just tooo much stuff going on here. what with the crazy plexi pool and the beam-mania going on. it's a little frumpy for my taste. is it just me or is the bathroom in the slide show bigger than the kitchen? i'm not a fan of "Levitz" colored light wood. it's like a mish mash of tile, windows, plants and beams. it's one part santa barbara library one part chili's. my head hurts. this house kinda depressed me.

Anonymous said...

hi there - has it occurred to you that many of us (no LGB) are smart enough to see that you can write whatever name in the box and pretend to be multiple people?

Anonymous said...

Oh, now this is nice! Not the house, the poetry. Reading Eliot's lines felt like a cool hand on my brow. How about this: If you must say something nasty to someone, please follow it up with a soothing, balmy verse.

Anonymous said...

Aunt Mary,

How right you are!

Personally, I loved Eliot's work; just not his politics.

Anyone up for some e e cummings?

Anonymous said...

Pppppprrrrrrrrrr sorry, I just farted.

Anonymous said...

ya mama, diddy moved the new season of making the band into a fab house in miami. can you research it?

Anonymous said...
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