Monday, February 25, 2008

Another High Priced Summer Rental in Malee-boo

OWNER: Mark Burnett
LOCATION: Malibu Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $80,000/month (summer season)
SIZE: 3,375 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A feast of extraordinary craftsmanship and taste on prestigious Malibu Road. This beautifully furnishes home features hand chiseled beams and cabinetry, old world wood flooring, walls of stone, bi-fold doors opening to the ocean, large media room, state of the art electronic, water walls, custom fixtures and lighting, courtyard living room with fireplace, romantic master suite with fireplace, private patio, sitting room and stunning master bathroom, spa and sauna.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A few weeks ago Your Mama recommended all you people who rent high priced summer homes in Malee-boo hurry up and hop in your hoopdies and head on up the PCH to secure your summer digs before all the folks with more money and time on their hands snap up all the good properties leaving you with only the moldy, barnacle encrusted shitty shacks sitting on a pile of rocks with no beach.

Have no fear all you filthy rich and procrastinating Angelenos itching to stand on the back deck and scope out ol' Paris Hilton as she prances in a pair of size 11 flip flops or watch that Heidi Montag gurl make a bikini-clad fool of herself on the beach, high priced rentals continue to pop up on the market and several are yet to be rented. The fine folks at The Malibu Real Estate Blog recently posted an article which indicated that there are at least five available properties in the $80-100,000+/month price range in the guard gated Malibu Colony and along the sandy stretch of beach on Malibu Road alone, grab your fat checkbooks and GO! because Your Mama will not accept any invitations to some cheap ass rental you had to take because you were too damn lazy too git out to Malee-boo in February to locate a good house.

Property records reveal that one of the ocean front properties currently available to lease in that sky-high price range is owned by Emmy winning reality television super producer Mark Burnett (Survivor, The Apprentice, Are Your Smarter Than a 5th Grader?). If the children use their noodles, they may recall that Mister Burnett is betrothed to Touched By An Angel ack-tress Roma Downey, who has put up an ocean front home she owns in the Malibu Colony celebrity enclave up for lease at $100,000/month for the summer season.

As it turns out, these two real estate rich Hollywood types are able to lease out two prime ocean front properties rather than use the houses themselves because they are lucky and rich enough to live in yet another ocean front estate on the cliffs hovering over posh Paradise Cove that Mister Burnett bought fully furnished in April of 2005 from hoity toity house flipper Sandy Gallin for more than $25,000,000. We hear from the always snappy Kenny Kissentell that the house sits so high on the bluff that these two drive a golf cart down a grassy path to the beach.

Anyhoo, property records reveal that Mister Burnett purchased this house on desirable Malibu Road in April of 2004. It is unclear to Your Mama if the Tinseltown titan ever used the house himself or if it was simply an investment. Listing information and property records show the house measures in at a modest but decent 3,375 square feet and has 3 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms, a bed-to-bath ratio that gives the Dr. Cooter goosebumps of joy but causes our house gurl Svetlana to quiver with anger calculating just how much time she'll have to spend on her hands and knees with her head in a terlit rather than sunbathing on the back deck.

The three story "contemporary" residence features a courtyard entrance with a fireplace, which could be nice for those nipply evenings when the wind kicks up off the ocean, and many of the rooms lead to ocean side decks or, like the family room on the lower level, small terraces tucked away from the eyesight of the beach combers and paparazzi that have taken to roaming the sands of Malee-boo hoping to catch a glimpse of one of the Duff sisters sunbathing topless or smoking a fattie with the behemoth balled musician Cisco.

If we're being honest kids, and we always try to be, we do not like this house with it's angular and funky roof lines unhappily married to that turret thing at the front of the house, and while we know almost nothing about ancient Chinese secrets, there just can't be anything harmonious about the Feng Shui of the ocean side elevation. Although we do love a white slip covered sofa almost as much as we love our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, we don't love half a dozen or more all shoved into one room, and we're certainly not keen on the overall Shabby Chic invites the Dalai Lama to dinner day-core.

The good news is that Malibu Road is less trafficked and thus less noisy than the PCH, the views are undeniably lovely, there are flat screen TVs mounted on the walls in ev-er-ee room (which is a real bonus for reality TV junkies like Your Mama), and unlike some other stretches of ocean front homes in Malee-boo, the neighbors on this section of Malibu Road are less likely to have 24-hour armed security who will question your guests and insist they move their Range Rover back four inches so the bumper won't hang over the property line of their high profile employer.

Your Mama already knows that a good number of you are gonna whine about the ridiculousness of spending so much money for so little space (blah blah blah), and most of you interior design know it alls will not like this house any more than we do. So the question is not what's wrong with the house, but rather, who do you think should cough up the big bucks to rent the place? We're going to say Jaime Pressly, who loves Buddha day-core, but might not have the extra money to lease a beach house until she manages to unload that place of hers in Tarzana.


Alessandra said...

I'd rent it, but I agree about all the white furniture. For $80k a month, I'd at least demand different slipcovers on the dining chairs and maybe some of those Pier One throws over all the damn white sofas.

The kitchen looks functional, though. And the views are spectacular. I also like the courtyard with the fireplace. Very romantic.

Anonymous said...

Who should rent it?

Why Joe Babajian during his last days of freedom before the long arm of the law throws his ass in jail.

Mama, I agree the tower is out of place, but I have to admit I love the rest of the facade, especially the stonework, particularly in the fireplace courtyard. It's just a pity that the rear facade seems to belong to a different house completely, with the very small exception of that pair of stone piers.

There are a little too many beams for my taste, and those funeral home chairs in the dining area have to go, but overall it looks like a lovely rental in a nice, kick back sort of way, and just needs Staging Lady in her Toyota Prius' dash of color . . .

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't you guess that for lease price, slip covers are contracted into security agreement?

I'm with Allesandra. No complicated concerns. Would rent this in a hot second...(in my dreams).

An aside: when I rent a summer places, rearrange every stick of furniture and store stuff I don't care for until it's time to go.

Wonky lines...who cares(?)...not me.

Oh, how I wish...

Anonymous said...

Oh look, a real functioning kitchen! I'm not keen on firing up such a large oven during the summer months though, so maybe its not quite so functional from a summer rental point of view.
Is that a reflecting pool I see in the front courtyard? One drinky too many beside the fireplace and I could be leaning back in that chair just a little too far.
Mama, LGB, I'm with you over the ugly and incoherent beach facade. What a mess. This is a house that looks much better inside, but then won't matter to the renter, whoever it may be.

Anonymous said...

I would wager two stout pints and a towel to see you lose your footing.

Anonymous said...

If you are going to be three sheets to the wind, then a beach house is definitely the place to be, no?

Anonymous said...

Yes. You clearly get it.

What happens at the beach, stays at the beach, at least among those of us without pap merit, and I'll assume that would be the collective "us."

Let's all of us pool our money and lease this for the summer.

Parker said...

My issue is with those dining room chairs. As for the beachfront facade, it is ugly, but I wouldn't care because I'd be staring out at the ocean, not at the house. I like beach houses to be casual and comfortable, so I'm always relieved to see a place that's not overdone. If I had a few spare wads of cash in my pocket, I'd be quite thrilled to rent this place. And, I'd be happy for all the slipcovers so my kids' sand messes could be washed off without worry.

Anonymous said...

Why do West coast moneyed people always have dining chairs that look like they came out of a castle?

Anonymous said...


Because some of us are old money east coast still lugging around great aunt iris in a sterling silver jar and her furniture too. Can't put that shit in the penthouse in the Corridor so put it at the beach and throw some covers over it.

Anonymous said...


You're spooky on record.
Myself, I keep Auntie in a Starbucks tin on the shelf.

Anonymous said...

And I keep my Auntie in a nice comfy chair by the TV in the den; but then she hasn't quite "passed" yet . . .


Anonymous said...

aunt iris loves this blog. i set her next to the monitor while I drink martinis for the both of us. she gives me all my real estate advice. i used to put her in the mercedes and take her around to open houses but there was that unfortunate incident when i tripped on the white rug in an entry and aunt iris took quite a spill.

Anonymous said...

Damn, Damn, Damn......... if only I had slept with the right people, I could have had those listings........ I could have been a part of the "family" .... malibu life. surf, sand,and much sag,,,. The three marias.. oh, and the one has the happy hag wife... gotta love that keeping it in the family...but well, no, that tap on the shoulder in the middle of the night, .. someone, somthing, something non human, wanting passionate kisses .. no no no, i will just stay in my little bungalow... cannot sell my soul. maybe you have to be souless..........who knows

Anonymous said...

I think either Katherine Heigl or that McFever girl from American Idol should rent it for the summer. Heigl's new hubby's SUV just got broken into up in them Hollywood Hills, so a little privacy and non-hoodlum-like activities should keep their pink marital cloud from popping.

Katharine McPhee would look pretty lounging around that lovely patio with the stone walls. I can picture her puttin' on a li'l Carly Simon and relaxing with cucumber slices on her eyelids. Her new hubby can mix the cocktails...

Anonymous said...


As usual, you paint quite an enticing picture. Lovely.

Anon 8:35,

Don't beat yourself up; realtor=souless.
You made the right choice.

Anonymous said...

Hey LGB, realtor does not equal souless any more that I.T. equals social nerd.

For someone who claims to come from such wonderful "breeding," you sure don't mind painting with a large and insulting brush when it suits YOU.

Do you have any idea how many real estate people read this blog and how many people you just jumped into the camp that's always dogging you?

Anonymous said...

Not a realtor;

You're right, of course; I apologize to all the honest realtors out there - my reference was meant specifically for this Jan Horn, who seems universally hated for some reason.

Thanks for calling me out on this one; it was, indeed, in very poor taste. That's what makes this blog so great - I hope I didn't offend too much.

Sorry again to all you honest realtors out there. Fair is fair, so fire away; in this case, I deserve it.

And yes, I am an IT nerd - in that case, it's pretty much universal; more of an occupational hazard.

Thanks again, Not a Realtor, for not letting me get away with what was a crass remark.

Anonymous said...

Hey LGB,

I wouldn't say Jan Horn is "universally hated". I can't find anything anywhere online that indicates he is anything other than an established broker who likes architectural properties like many of us.

The board has what appears to be a single Jan Horn hater (you know how that feels) with an axe to grind. His/her mentions of Jan Horn over the past year have been almost identical in their wording.

Anonymous said...

Anon 9:15,

Thanks for the heads up; I've heard people mention a single person posting under different aliases but, not being a suspicious person by nature, I've never been able to spot it.

Anonymous said...

Do you think that dealing with the crazy general public is fun?
Try selling homes it will fry your nerves.

Anonymous said...

Real Estate Nerd,

I admire your fortitude, and once again apologize for the thoughtless slur.

Anonymous said...

Well, not naming names here, (you know who you are) but there are high percentages in the R.E. biz like the entertainment biz, especially at the upper ranks who learned their selling skills not exactly working the streets, but definetly working the sheets... and yes, that involves selling your soul........and it can be profitable..if you can do it.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

yawn!...... OH, I SEE ONE OF THOSE OLD MULES , I MEAN REAL ESTATE HAGS IS CHECKING IN AGAIN.. must be either jane hathaway from windemere or auntie b.s from soethebys

Anonymous said...

Isn't this the same house that Bristol Palin is living in while filming her reality show "Life's a Tripp!"??