Saturday, October 13, 2007

Nicole Richie Slept Here

SELLER: Nicole Richie
LOCATION: "Empire West," 1100 Alta Loma Road, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $2,300,000
SIZE: 2,246 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fabulous south city views. 2BD/2.5BA with den. All rooms have balconies. Distressed cherry wood floors throughout. Coved ceilings. Recessed lights. Master bath with carrara marble, separate tub and shower. 2nd bathroom in limestone. Empire West full service w/valet rooftop pool and tennis Court.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It was bound to happen sooner or later, and it appears that famous for being the sake of being famous Nicole Richie has put her West Hollywood high-rise condominium on the market. As all the children already know, Miz Richie became a household name as a result of her tabloid dominating association with the ex-convict/scandal queen Paris Hilton, her stick figure body, and for being stopped by the po-po loaded on Valium and the wacky tabacky while driving the wrong damn way on a bizzy highway in Los Angeles. Having lived all that down, no doubt with the help of an overworked publicist, Miz Richie, the ever evolving tabloid mistress, now dominates the gossip glossies because she's unwed and preggers with the spawn of Good Charlotte front man Joel Madden.

Property records reveal that Miz Richie purchased her 10th floor unit at Empire West in March of 2005 for $1,180,000. Measuring 2,246 square feet, the unit faces South with views of the the urban and suburban sprawl of Los Angeles. This is the very same apartment where Miz Richie's cat amazingly survived a fall off her 10th floor balcony. The two bedroom and 2.5 bathroom unit has balconies all around and sits on top of an apartment that is owned by the intriguing actress Dyan Cannon.

Richie and her baby daddy Joel Madden have been making the rounds among celebrity real estate gossips for quite some time. There has been speculation about their shacking up since at least February of 2007 and in late August, the National Enquirer broke a story about Miz Richie's ridiculously rich daddy Lionel purchasing the newly pregnant young couple a 2,274 square foot townhouse in Century City as some sort of a surprise gift. That purchase was later written about by Mister Big Time who revealed that the unit had been purchased from actor Dennis Franz for $1,200,000.

The young, rich and heavily tattooed Madden already owns a freshly renovated house in suburban Glendale, and that the also heavily tattooed Richie already owns a 2,200+ square foot apartment in West Hollywood, so Your Mama found it perplexing that Big Daddy Richie would buy the young couple yet another place to shack up and live in sin. Then we remembered that Big Daddy Richie recently moved into a monstrous new mansion on Copley Place adjacent to the Los Angeles Country Club, which happens to be just north of Century City and just a few minutes drive from the newly purchased condo. The close proximity will make it easier for the aging crooner to babysit his illegitimate grandchild, should the couple actually move there.

However, there have also been recent reports that the tattooed twosome are on the hunt for a family style house in a suburban, family style location. Your Mama recently read, but for the life of our long bodied bitches we can't recall where we read it, that the once all about town duo are searching far flung suburban locales such as Calabasas and the Agoura Hills for the house of their family dreams. Which might further explain why Miz Richie's daddy bought them and in town they would have someplace to stay when they drop the kid off at his house so they can attend the opening of a Pinkberry or need to stop by The Ivy to have their picture taken by all the paparazzi who regularly camp out front.

Your Mama was about as surprised as we could be by the interior decor of Miz Richie's West Hollywood high rise habitat. We expected to find a light filled aerie with smoothly contemporary furniture and knick knacks that were bought all up and down Robertson and Beverly Boulevards by her coterie of nice gay decorators. But instead it would appear that Miz Richie had the place worked over in a style more suited to a middle aged dee-vorcee than a wild child party princess with an indulgent daddy and an overflowing Marc Jacobs handbag. Your Mama thinks the place looks like her mommy and daddy Richie sent over all their left over furniture from Bel Air and then sent over their accomplished, but not very forward thinking decorator to pull the mostly traditional hodge podge together. Not a good idea.

Honestly Nicole, what is up with your formal living room? That room has far more in common with a pinched and pulled Bev Hills doyenne than it does with a young power player among the Hollywood it gurl scene. Your Mama is mortified by that big beige sectional, and we are about to fall over from flabbergast over those upsetting floral ottomans. Unless you are over 60 and/or a WASP, just say no to floral ottomans like this. Trust Your Mama on that one, children.

The den, with it's lush wood paneled walls and big view, is only marginally better. However, please note the Victorian settee on the far wall. Is this some sort of family heirloom or did Miz Richie and her team of decorators have simultaneous brain aneurysms that caused them to think that purchase was a wise idea? It was not. At least not for this space.

Not being amongst Miz Richie's confidants, we don't know which of the two bedrooms in the photos she sleeps, but what does it matter? One of the bedrooms looks like that of an old woman and the other looks like a masculine themed bedroom that came straight out of a decorator's show house. Your Mama can't imagine poor Miz Richie or her rock star baby daddy being able to get a good night's rest in either of these abominations masquerading as bedrooms. It's not that the rooms are complete and utter crimes against interior design, it's that they are not appropriate for young gun Hollywood types in their mid twenties.

The master bathroom, well appointed with carrara marble counter tops, a separate tub and shower, and a well lit make up counter, is perfectly suited for getting oneself together for a premiere...if you're 65 damn years old. Nicole, hunny, you are too young to be living up in an old lady's residence like this.

Your Mama can only hope that when Miz Richie and her baby daddy buy a suburban spread for their growing family that they have the smarts to hire a decorator who will give them a house befitting of a couple of young parents with lots of tattoos and glamorous lifestyles. If either of you need a reference to a nice gay decorator who an help with that, please let Your Mama know, because we'd L.O.V.E. to help you out with this.

Your Mama would like to thank a snitch we call Leonard Loudmouth for letting this cat out of the bag, which is certainly better than letting the cat fall off the balcony.


so_chic_darling said...

Wow Mama I'm shopping this script around,it would make a fab farce.I'll leave casting,as usual,to Hippie Canyon associates.Set decoration would be a collaboration between nice gay decorator and Aunt Mary.I'll do wardrobe.

so_chic_darling said...

I'm so glad that you mentioned a Marc Jocobs hadbag in this story because it gives me a chance to tell the children about my theory of where he got his original design prototype from.Anyway many of you will be familiar with the genius John Waters early masterpiece "Female Trouble",and some of you may remember the scene early in the movie when Dawn Davenport,played by the legendary Divine,throws a fit and beats up here parents on Christmas morning after not receiving a pair of "cha cha heels" as a gift.As she runns away from home to a cheezy soundtrack of Jingle Bells she is carrying a black plastic handbag with big chrome buckles and things.Look very closely at this bag children and you will see the parent of all Marc Jacobs bags!

so_chic_darling said...

Oh yes children I do know how to spell handbag!Let's not have any rows over spelling anymore please.

. said...

so_chic_darling, can I put cabbage rose chintz on the tufted, skirted, betasseled ottomans and chaises?

so_chic_darling said...

No Aunt Mary you can't!

H7 said...

it looks like it was staged. i hope so.

Anonymous said...

Staged by who,Leonard Ross?

. said...

so_chic_darling, thanks for the film history lesson. I might have to try netflix to see this film. Sounds fun. As far as hadbags, hagbags, or even handbags go, I've carried Coach pocketbooks since before the Civil War. Boring, boring, boring I know, but I don't experiment with pocketbooks. After twenty or thirty years, they develop such a nice patina that you can never throw them out. ;}

Anonymous said...

Don't be making fun of cabbage roses...they have their place.

But not, one would hope, on a round, tufted ottoman.

Agoura Hills? Really? My Malibu sibling tells me that there are much better suburban communities around there than Agoura Hills. Can't imagine what Miss Ritchie is thinking...but then again, not sure if I want to...

Boring apartment, btw.

. said...

Lucy, honey, I don't jest about such things. I LOVE me a cabbage rose. If only in the boudoir.;}

Anonymous said...

Horrors! Gold framed giant mirrors? Round side tables covered by sheets topped with glass? Jalousie windows in the small bathroom? Jalousie? Papi, get me a daiquiri. An-de-lay.

Anonymous said...

Sweetie,that's the furniture I had my staff put out on the street two years ago.So happy to know it found a home,a rather tacky one by the way.

Anonymous said...

"The close proximity will make it easier for the aging crooner to babysit his illegitimate grandchild, should the couple actually move there."

No such thing as an illegitimate grandchild. A grandchild is a granchild is a grandchild. Same with children. A child may be born out of wedlock, but there are no illegimate children. What did the child ever do to you? Very backward expression, you chose. Distracted me from the real estate porn.

Anonymous said...

Joan Sweetie,

I'm sure you carried it out to curb on your back, just like you carried it off the set of Dynasty when the show ended. I'm surprised you would give them up. A few of those pieces make you look young by comparison.

Anonymous said...

Joan Darling, I made good money from those tea ads. Enough to keep me in fabulous Marc Jacobs bags, unlike that pap shot I saw of you carrying a bag that looks like it was made from the excess skin from your last lift. Kisses. Lets do lunch at the Ivy.