Monday, October 22, 2007

Allen Iverson Has Real Estate Woes

SELLER: Allen and Tawana Iverson
LOCATION: Chateau Lane, Villanova, PA
PRICE: $6,300,000
SIZE: 3.5 acres, 14,000 square foot (approx) 5 bedrooms, 7 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This masterpiece of craftsmanship encompasses 14,000 sq. ft. of award winning design. Nestled amongst 4.0 of meticulously designed landscaping, pool house, stream and cascading waterfalls, this modern Chateau is a haven of tranquility. Four complete levels of lavish appointments beginning in the Foyer and Great Room with flr to ceiling Palladian windows, custom rail work and breathtaking molding, 5 fps, 9 custom baths, French doors and soaring ceilings offer drama and grace throughout the Estate.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Although professional basketballer Allen Iverson and his wife Tawana have recently run screaming their newly built home in Alpharetta, Georgia amid concerns that the place is splitting, sagging and coming apart at the seams, the family of six will be far from homeless. They can always, at least temporarily, shack up in the big Villanova manse they lived before "The Answer" was traded from the Philadelphia 76ers to the Denver Nuggets late in 2006.

Late last night, Your Mama received a tip from The Pennsylvania Patty Cake, who forwarded information about the Iverson's Villanova villa currently on the market for $6,300,000. Located on 4.0 acres of exclusive Main Line property, the 4 level main house sprawls across a whopping 14,000 (approx.) square feet and according to listing information includes five bedrooms, nine terlits, five fireplaces, guest quarters with it's own sitting room and kitchenette, an entertainment level with movie theater, billiard room, and a bar/lounge complete with 200+ bottle wine cooler. But perhaps the most appealing and impressive feature lies behind the double doors to the palatial master suite that features dual baths and a custom closet accommodating 500 pairs of shoes. No babies, that is not a typo.

Although the wooded and landscaped property sits too painfully close to the "Blue Route," also knows as highway 476, for Your Mama's comfort and frazzled nerves, it is surrounded by other monster blue blood estates which should help to ensure its appraisal value. According to property records, the Iversons purchased this Villanova estate in November of 2002 for an even $5,000,000.

From the outside, and the couple of photos of the interior, Mister and Missus Iverson's "masterpiece of craftsmanship" is decidedly not the sort of residence Your Mama would purchase with six and some million clams. None the less, this type of suburban excess seems to be very popular with the sorts of Philadelphia folks who do in fact have the finances for a home in this price range.

The landscaping is extensive and Your Mama imagines Mister Iverson is spending a small fortune to maintain this property while it languishes on the market. We shudder to think of his landscaping bills, not to mention that the mammoth house must be kept dust free and the terlits scrubbed of any mold or leftover residue from filthy rich potential buyers who think it's appropriate to set on the damn terlit and do the dirty bizness when looking at a multi-million dollar mansion. And if you the children don't believe Your Mama when we tell you this happens more than you would ever imagine, just dial up a few high end real estate agents for their horror stories of the upsetting and jaw dropping behavior of some of their obscenely rich and entitled clients.

Although Your Mama often shudders and shakes when dealing with over-built suburban behemoths, we do confess that the double height living room of the Iverson's former home has a certain appeal. We're certain our positive mood towards this room is due greatly to it's having been cleared of any furniture that might cause Your Mama to need a nerve pill, and we're not seeing some of the decorating abominations we might expect to see like funeral home style curtains draped all up down and around the Palladian windows. The tall mirror above the fireplace can go out with yesterday's trash, but we are digging the big chandelier, which gives the place a grand train station waiting room vibe which is not at all unappealing to Your Mama in this case.

We can not say, of course, the same thing of the home thee-ay-ter which is so puzzling and perplexing that it has Your Mama laid out flat on the ground with wonder. And not the good kind of wonder. Children, let this media room be a lesson for everyone in how NOT to decorate a private theater in one's basement. First off, let's always remember that teal and mauve is never a good color combination. Ever. That particular color combo is disruptive to the psyche, and it's been scientifically proven that it induces spontaneous vomiting in at least 14% of the population.

Secondly, let's discuss the seating. These old-school teal colored contraptions will have the sciatica acting up within minutes and have everyone's backsides going numb long before the credits roll. Listen puppies, if you're going to go through the bother and considerable expense to install a theater in your home or basement, spend the extra money for seating that will not cripple or kill you. It just makes sense.

Given all the house drama the Iversons are currently dealing with in Alpharetta, Your Mama sincerely hopes some Main Line matron and her trust fund huzband quickly step up and make a reasonable offer on the old Iverson homestead in Villanova.


Anonymous said...

(he's a basketballer, Mama)

Your Mama said...

LOL> how many time have we said we don't know shit about sports? thanks for that correction doll.

Anonymous said...

Anyone have an example of when black marble is not hideous?

Anonymous said...

I am about to put a high end property on the market. Are you saying that I need to tape the toilet seats shut??

OMG, the thought would never have occurred to me.

Anonymous said...

"We can not say, of course, the same thing of the home thee-ay-ter which is so puzzling and perplexing that it has Your Mama laid out flat on the ground with wonder."

LOL! Mama, you are perfection!

Anonymous said...

The house actually sits well above the Blue Route (at least a hundred feet up a sheer rock wall) and is not as close as satellite photos may make it appear, you definitely cannot see the estate from 476...also, this house sat on the market for years until Iverson bought it, $5-million+ properties do not move quickly in metro Philly...

. said...

Mama, I must confess I do know who Allen Iverson is since I live in a household with sports enthusiasts and have watched more sporting events than should be allowed under the law. But my comment goes to the behavior of prospective buyers touring the abode. I am shocked! Really, I'm not exaggerating. I've lived a sheltered life, I guess, but I was raised in a different manner. I was taught to never use the "facilities" of another's home unless a medical emergency was imminent. I know this is sooooooooooo not modern, but that's how it was. But to deliberately foul another's home, I give up.

agenora beoranje said...

who cares about allen iverson's house i would sit in his theater and not throw up just to impress him HE"S GORGEOUS....