Friday, September 11, 2009

Tennis Ace Kim Clijsters Is A Jersey Girl

BUYER: Kim Clijsters and her huzband Brian Lynch
LOCATION: Baileys Corner Road, Wall Township, NJ
PRICE: $772,000
SIZE: 2,717 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Custom details embrace you around every corner. one floor living at its best with options for easy expansion to the second level for additional bedrooms. 3 bdrms & 2.5 ba on main floor. Owner's spared no expense when finishing off expansive basement with custom bar and built ins, not to mention two more "bedrooms" with their own 3/4 bath. Perfect for teenagers own space, live-in, or Au-Pair.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Since we're reaching the tail end of the U.S. Open in New York City we thought it might be fun to have a look-see at one of the top players new homes. Thanks to Vlad the Revealer we have the 411 on the New Jersey residence recently purchased by the always smiling Belgian ball buster Kim Clijsters and her retired professional basketball player huzband Bryan Lynch.

Young Miss Clijsters, considered by some to be a bit of an underachiever even though she once held the number one ranking for nearly 5 months, was injured in 2006, retired from tennis and got married in a secret ceremony in 2007, pushed out a baby in 2008 and earlier this year decided to come back and kick some serious ass at the U.S. Open. Back in 2005 Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter watched Miz Clijsters win the U.S. Open and today, in her impressive and unexpected march back to the top of the tennis heap, she's going head to head with the fearsome number 2 seeded Serena Williams in the semi-finals. Could be a real butt clencher. Miss Clijsters' huzband, Bryan Lynch, played basketball professionally on the European circuit but is American by birth. That's about all we know or need to know about him.

Property records reveal Kimmie and Bri-bri bought their decidedly modest house someplace in New Jersey with the unfortunate name of Wall Township in late July of 2009 when they forked over $772,000 for the 2,717 square foot single story house. A few minutes of research reveals that Wall Township, among other things, is the hometown of Ashley Alexandra Dupre, otherwise known as the high-class prostie that brought former New York governor Eliot Spitzer's political career to a humiliating end.

Listing information indicates the house has 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms, a ratio that would suggest that each bedroom includes a private pooper. Do we even need to discuss all the olfactory reasons why this bed/bath ratio is a good thing?

The shiny wood floored living room–or perhaps it's a family room–has a high ceiling, is warmed by fireplace and prominently features a trio of large, paned windows topped with fanlights. These windows, one of which is a French door that leads to a rear patio, are lovely in an of themselves. But children, please note that the trio of windows are placed painfully off center, an asymmetrical architectural mistake that would have Your Mama popping nerve pills 24/7. The decent sized dining room has wood floors, simple wainscoting and a four-armed "chandelier" that we can only hope Miss Clijster had removed immediately after signing the closing papers. An eat-in kitchen has been fitted with white cabinetry, biscuit colored tile floors, a lot of big windows and another perfectly ordinary "chandelier."

According to listing information the sellers spent big money finishing the basement. Your Mama lived on the east coast long enough to know that many people, particularly people with children, like these horrible finished basement places but there is little more residentially depressing to Your Mama than hanging out in a basement with a dropped ceiling and itty-bitty–and often inoperable–windows stuck up too high on the wall. Have mercy. Anyoo, according to listing information the Clijsters/Lynch finished basement includes two "bedrooms" and a three-quarter pooper for teenagers, an au-pair or a live-in. This is indeed a perfect set up for naughty teenagers who want to secretly smoke a little pot or for a slutty au-pair who sneaks the mens into her room at night. However, we're not sure about a live-in domestic. We don't know about the live-in staff of other people but we know as surely as we breathe that our tyrannical house gurl Svetlana would unceremoniously hogtie and skin Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter with a butter knife if we ever so much as suggested that she live in a basement "bedroom."

The back of the house opens up to a narrow covered portico held up by a couple of slim columns. An interesting set of steps leads from the portico down to a large deck. Truth be told, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's former weekend home on the East End of Long Island had nearly identical steps–done in a dark and dee-voon Ipe wood–leading up to both the front and back doors of our shingled farmhouse. They made a nice interplay of something more modern paired with something traditional. We're sure some of the children will have something snarky to say about that, but that's okay. We can dish it and we can take it. But if you're gonna bring it about the steps, you better bring it, okay?

Anyhoo, since the listing photos depict the day-core of the non-celebrity sellers and not that of Miss Clijsters and Mister Lynch, we're not even going to mention that sad, lonely bit of greenery on top of the kitchen cabinet, the gigantic football helmet thing on the wall in the basement or that slim sign sitting on top of the big screen tee-vee that reads, "We believe in Santa Claus." Oh, puke. That sign would be, at best, mawkish if it were Christmastime but since the photo does not appear to have been taken during the holidays it can only be seen as a deeply disturbing descent into a distressful decorative dementia. Okay, we discussed the sign. We couldn't help it. Some things are simply too ornamentally grisly to turn a blind eye.

Thankfully the furniture and other comestibles have been removed and we can only hope that Miss Clijsters uses some of her prize money from the U.S. Open to hire a nice, gay decorator to make what is essentially a very ordinary house in an historic and upscale part of New Jersey into a home worthy of a highly likable tennis titan and a retired professional basketballer.

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is a very nice house. The ceilings are devine, the bones are very good, and with nice decor, it will be an excellent place to live.

Venice4504 said...

It's kinda ugly. Reminds me of all the tract homes in Louisiana for some reason. Ordinary to say the least.

Anonymous said...

Do people not have finished basements elsewhere?

Anonymous said...

Yes, I immediately thought this looked like it should be in a Virginia rather than a New Jersey subdivision. Something Southern. It's the Palladian symmetry thing that is sort of going on. Generally, they don't do that in NJ. Having grown up there, and having many occasions to return, I am all too familiar with the sins of "upscale" subdivisions in that state.
On the other hand, the Garden Conservancy Open Day tomorrow in the Garden State features a garden by the amazing Spanish landscape architect Fernando Caruncho as well as several other quite impressive gardens in the really fancy estate country around Far Hills, one of which is on the very same lane that Jackie O used to spend her weekends on. That is a very different New Jersey,

StPaulSnowman said...

Kim is sensational but I am hoping for a Serena vs. Caroline final. These women are awesome players and it will be a great match........if it ever stops raining. I am sure Rafa is loving the delay!

Anonymous said...

lol...Kim better stop pumping her husband and start pumping some weights...she's getting heavy...

Pam Shriver said...

Anon 4:22 = Richard Williams.

Madam Pince said...

But children, please note that the trio of windows are placed painfully off center, an asymmetrical architectural mistake that would have Your Mama popping nerve pills 24/7.

Me too, Mama. And I'd have to wash them down with a bourbon & coke.

NewYorkQueer said...

Some one was paid to create, and the term is used loosely, this building, derivitive at best and those windows would make my eyes hurt every damn day, chalk on a blackboard Mama. Perhaps if your eye is only on the ball you could live in this house. I could barely tolerate a visit, Santa Claus indeed, what about the tooth fairy, the easter bunny and universal health care.

Anonymous said...

This is back country Spring Lake. Spring Lake used to be known as the the summer playground of rich Irish Catholics. Now, I have no idea. The Jersey shore is a string of side by side towns some with very distinct ethnic identities. Next to Spring Lake is Deal, which is where all the rich Syrian Jews who live in certain Brooklyn neighborhoods spend their summers.

Anonymous said...

Damn the houses in Deal are INSANE. Mega mansions & all the syrians driving around in their S classes, which double as their chauffered vehicles in Brooklyn.

I went to one house in Deal with 4 plasma screens surroundng an Olympic sized pool.

Ed said...

Where are all the mega-mansions in Deal? I know there's a lot of money there...but I doesn't look anywhere as nice or lavish as a lot of other places in Dallas, outsite Detroit, Beverly Hills, Palm Beach. It looks ordinary rich with ordinary big houses.

Babe Parish said...

here's how i would have "weirded" it up:

take that helmet and decoupage it onto a canvas with a nice giclee vibe...i'd then put it in the living room because if you're gonna be a sports fan, you should embrace it and not relegate tacky team art to the basement!

take that silly "santa" sign and plop it right in the center of the kitchen island in a defiant "i dare you to question it" stance!

take that fake green shrub and stick it in the cubby to the right of the stereo components. yeah, i know that's not weird, but the hole above the dvd player throws all that mish mash out of balance.

xo
Babe

Anonymous said...

The first comment is the architectural equivalent of the famous generic summary from American Bandstand, "it's got a great beat and you can dance to it!"

Anonymous said...

Nutty looking house.

The front windows are almost bigger than those out of place pillars.

And odd looking roof lines.

NewYorkQueer said...

So Chic Darling spins languidly in his grave, not quite past this mortal coil and happy to find he is approprieatly dressed in a custom tailored silk D&G suit with one of his own Saville Row shirts, a perfect vintage Hermes tie that once graced the neck of a beautiful but clueless London rent boy and was had for just a few pounds,(so was the boy). Shoes custom fitted in Rome, socks cashmer, belt, croc with a RLM vermier belt buckel from the days when he mattered. Even his gold and lapis cuflinks, a gift from Jackie O. as a reminder of the evening they shattered a few tiles in the lapis bathroom aboard the yacht, hiding form an outraged Callas storming in unannounced but dazzeling in all those emeralds. No it had not been a wasted life thought Mr. Darling but still too short. Perhaps as he was still here in a way there might still be an oppotunity to drop in on a few old friends....

sirvan said...

Wow! how romantic and decent place. Hope to have that house.

Anonymous said...

Anyone see the ridiculous outburst by Serena Williams in the semi-finals during her match against Kim Clijsters? Priceless! When will athletes learn they aren't above the rules??? If you haven't seen it, click on you-tube--offensive language to say the least.

Anonymous said...

Deal is not ordinary at all those houses along the beach are absolutely massive.. some hideous.. but massive.. and they are on massive beachfront properties.

Deal does not neighbor Spring Lake, they have Belmar, Avon, Bradley Beach, and Long Branch between them and Spring Lake is now a very wealthy snobbish area but unlike Deal there is no gaudiness.

I live in Wall and it touches pretty much all the beach towns that surround it and it is not back country anymore but Baileys Corner road is a really nice country-like road, especially where this house is located.. is winds around and has a creek right there and it is actually really nice..

Anonymous said...

You all need to get a life and leave people like Kim Clijsters and others in the spotlight alone. Where she lives is a beautiful area and it should be kept private.

Anonymous said...

I am from Belgium and now she has her second grand slam titel.congrats.
She also has a roughly 5000 sqft house in her hometown Bree.

Anonymous said...

Serena Williams told Kim that she would shove this f-ing house right down Kim's f-ing throat. Such a senseless outburst....

Anonymous said...

I'd love to see Serena William's house. Do you have any pictures, Mama?

Anonymous said...

RE: Serena's house--I can only imagine it's probably tacky, tacky, tacky AND classless--just like she is!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh come on. Serena may be a bit uncouth and her actions the other day were indefensible. But it's not like other people, sports figures, politicians, actors, me, you haven't made complete asses of them and ourselves at one time or another.

Besides, she's a kick ass tennis player.

so is clijsters...a-mazing. She' totally rocked the open this year.

average house, but it's not wretched even though i'd never want to live in that area.

Anonymous said...

anonymous 7:20, serena did not tell "kim" that she was gonna shove the effing ball down her effing throat, she told the linesperson who'd called her on a foot fault, thus costing her a point and putting her only one point away from defeat.

serena was outplayed and had a melt down because of it. she and kim are very friendly and speak highly of each other.

it's important to have the facts straight.

Anonymous said...

Hey Anonymos at 9:21 p.m. you didn't read that right. It was a joke. Anonymous on Sept. 14 at 7:20 a.m. said "house", not "ball".

Anonymous said...

Kim WON the US Open ! Who had to pump weights you said????

StPaulSnowman said...

Is New York Queer channeling Dominick Dunne in the above post?

Anonymous said...

at September 15, 2009 4:23 PM

wait till Justine Henin made her come back :-)

Anonymous said...

That adorable munchkin is going to be a super hero when she grows up. We love you Kim. Brian, you should have gone to RU.

Kristine said...

Love the Kimster. So glad she is back playing tennis and putting her winnings down into real estate boosting the economy.

Serena tripped out but she apologized and considering the kinda stuff that's happened to her, like Henin's lie, I can cut her a brake.

SteveGTennis said...

Wow, check out Kim's home! What do you all thing about her second retirement? Do you think she'll stay out of the game forever now or will she be back again for a third time?