Monday, June 22, 2009

Tater Salad Selling in Suwanee

SELLER: Ron White
LOCATION: Whitestone Way, Suwanee, GA
PRICE: $3,495,000
SIZE: 6,395 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exquisite estate home with the finest attention to detail throughout. Overlooking 4th green, home features marble inlayed foyer, liv. rm/office w/ fp, opulent, great.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The children have prolific informant and friend Aerial Dave to thank for bringing Your Mama's oft distracted attentions to a big ol' over-processed mansion-house in suburban Atlanta, GA owned by scotch swilling, cigar puffing and pot smoking comedian Ron White that was listed for sale in December of 2008 with an asking price of $3,495,000. It's also listed for $2,995,000. We don't know why it's listed at two different prices, but we're guessing that the higher price includes all the flummoxing furnishings.

Mister White rose to the peak of the stand up comedy heap starting back in 2000 when he participated in the obscenely lucrative Blue Collar Comedy Tour with friends and fellow funny men Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable guy who is, of course, the wildly rich redneck responsible for coining that ubiquitously moronic phrase "Git 'er done" that just about everyone but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter thinks is high-lariously funny. Back in 2006, the two time Grammy nominated Mister White lit out on his own with a money-making tour cleverly called Ron White: You Can't Fix Stupid. Say what you will about Mister White and his particular brand of base and low brow observational comedy, but the man is right. You just can't fix stupid. You really can't.

Property records show that in February of 2005 Mister White–who goes by the unfortunate but funny and entirely unflattering nickname Tater Salad–and his wifey Barbara spent $2,697,300 of their funny man money on an uber-traditional house on the 4th green in a gated golf course community in Suwanee, GA called The River Club. Listing information and property records reveal the White house weighs in at 6,397 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms and 8 terlits spread across 6 full and 2 half bathrooms.

The White house on Whitestone Way was built in a kind of a mullet style with an over-articulated but unassuming 1.5 story front facade that becomes a full three floors of architectural extravaganza at the back. A paver stone circular drive leads to a wide set of stone steps that rise to the front porch. The front doors open to a meant to impress the guests style double height entrance hall with a couple of columns and wrought iron balconies, an inlaid marble floor, a truck load of oppressively heavy mouldings and, rather bizarrely, a couple Blackamoors with chandeliers for hats, an old-timey but questionable decorative choice at best.

According to listing information the home's main rooms include a formal living room/office/study with a fireplace, a dining room where for some unknown reason the curtain material matches the material on the dining room chairs, a "great room" with a forest's worth of carved paneling that spills into a paneled breakfast room which in turn opens to a commodious kitchen punished with all manner of carved corbels, unnecessary chingaderos and decorative wood treatments that all together make Your Mama dizzy with fright. We do, however, approve of the mac-daddy range that is bigger than a damn Mercedes. The master bedroom includes a church worthy ceiling, a massive chandelier, a big fireplace, bordello worthy drapery, a marble and carved wood bathroom, and a gigantic walk-in closet/dressing room with built in cabinetry.

The stone floored "terrace level," according to listing information, includes a media room/thee-ay-ter, a sitting room, a second sitting room with a built in bar and more leather wing back chairs than out to be in one room at one time, a third sitting room with a massive stone fireplace and French doors opening to the rear terraces, and a billiard room with carved paneling, another honeycomb style coiffured ceiling, and yet another fireplace. Because this is Mister White's house, there is at least one behemoth built in cigar humidor for all his see-gars. Listen kids, we think people should be allowed to smoke whatever they want to smoke even if it is a big stinky cigar. However, does anyone besides Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter see anything homoerotically suggestive about a man wrapping his lips around a fat cigar and, uh, sucking?

But we digress from the real estate matter at hand, Your Mama understands the exuberant day-core of the White house will be the height of taste and elegance for any number of people who aspire to living in a suburban mansion in a ritzy golf course community. However, all the heavy molding and carved paneling and elaborate fireplace screens and swagged drapery just makes Your Mama feel claustrophobic and like we need a damn nerve pill to settle our vibrating eye balls.

The grounds of the White house include a motor court with a three car attached garage, several covered outdoor living and dining areas including one with a built in bbq center and outdoor fireplace, a free-form lagoon style pool and spa with a rock waterfall and stone terracing. All that separates the back yard from the golf course is an iron fence that is not enough to keep the prying eyes of men in plaid pants who chase little white balls around manicured lawns from being able to peep in the windows of the White house and/or watch Mrs. White sunbathe nood by the pool.

Property records show that Mister and Missus White also own a handful of properties in Tennesee, a 2,180 square foot house in a gated development in San Antonio, TX that they bought in Sept. of 2004 and another multi-million dollar property high in the hills above swanky Santa Barbara, CA which spreads across 3.25 acres and that they bought in May of 2006 for $3,750,000 and which is also currently on the market with an asking price of $3,595,000.

31 comments:

Avg Joe Momma :-[| said...

"You can't fix stupid"

He stole that from me. I've been saying it ever since my baby was born.

Syd said...

"...Your Mama feel claustrophobic and like we need a damn nerve pill to settle our vibrating eye balls" is way funnier than anything Ron White ever said.

Anonymous said...

Bordello is right. Awful and vulgar. Was there a sale on molding at Home Depot?

thevinylvillage said...

good lord. I love some molding as much as the next person, but this whole house looks like a damned wedding cake.

Anonymous said...

Zillow says he bought the house in Santa Barbara for $3.75M in May of 2006.

angeleyes said...

The heavy handed, highly stylized, interior flourishes are much too formally ostentatious for my taste, but I do enjoy the fact that while driving up to and parking in front of this home, a new visitor or guest would never guess at the opulence that awaits them on the other side of the doors. That twist is just kinda neat.

Superbly written article today Mama. When you trot it out, you don't mess around. Thanks! :)

The Preppy Pauper said...

I am a great fan of traditional interiors executed with understatement and taste. Sadly, this house displays neither attribute.

Anonymous said...

The exterior is not as horrible as expected. The interior...jesus tap-dancing christ.

Anonymous said...

Oh, my. I would not want to be responsible for Swiffering and dusting that interior.

Lilithcat said...

What a weird disconnect between the merely boring and mediocre exterior and the godawful monstrosity that is the interior.

Descada said...

I would loooove for all the paying good ole boy fans of the Blue Collar Comedy tours to see this place. I mean, there's such a disconnect between comics whose schtick is that of a Workin' Joe, often laced with class resentment, and they secretly come home to this. Little Lord Foofarall's Fiefdom of Fanciness. Ugh.

Weirdly, in the dining room pic, I thought the curtain in the foreground looked like a moulding made to look like a curtain. Rubbed my eyes, still not sure.

Anonymous said...

river club is almost in the category of mcmansions... I have friends that live in that "subdivision" and their home is far more elegant and understated... great story as usual; BTW his cohort Jeff foxworthy lives in a far more elegant area not too far from river club....

Anonymous said...

I think he paid for this house with all of his dope dealing that goes on there.

Anonymous said...

Good grief. Celebrity Address Aerial.com wants $10 a month now to view the site. While convenient to visit on occasion, there's little there a quick Google Search and Bing.com maps can't provide, as well as sites like Virtual Globetrotting, etc. What-evah.

Anonymous said...

oh dear oh dear--the only thing worse than the damage new Ho'wood-trash money can do to LA real estate (or Gotti money to houses on Long Island) is what its Southern equivalent can do in the South.

:{} avg joe said...

Avg Joe Momma :-[|

why did you have to call out my name I am here always and let me say this

TELL ME TO FUCK OFF YOU LOSER PIECE OF SHIT. YOU TURN SO MANY TRCIKS I DONT KNOW MY DADDY.

I AM A PSYCHIC DOUCHE BAG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE I THINK EVERY PERSON WHO DOESNT LIKE IS ONE PERSON !!!!!!!!!

IF I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY YOU WILL ALL KNOW IT IS ME !!!!!!!!

thank you

:{} avg joe

Anonymous said...

Joe, you made your point with equal emphasis the other day.

I regret to inform you that you bring it on yourself by continually living down to your reputation.

Think about it.

Grrrowler said...

Southern grandeur run amok. The outside is not too horrible, but the inside requires a Dramamine.

Anonymous said...

I think Ron White must not doing so good. Must be a bad money manager. His tacky looking jet is for sale too! I read that house in the Golden State is for sale too!. He must have been real stupid. As you can't fix it.

Anonymous said...

what did the lonely do before the internet?

Anonymous said...

Ouch! Whoever came up with 36 inch moldings should be shot... Something tells me, Mr. White is a little be up his own... fame, and that is hard to fix, too.

Madam Pince said...

I'm obviously the only Tater fan here, but even I can't say anything good about the decor of either mansion. Given that Barbara met Ron in her position as interior designer for the Foxworthys, it's a bit disturbing to see her work.

thevinylvillage said...

I didnt realize that Mrs. White was a designer...that makes the interiors of these two houses all the worse.

I was looking at whats for sale at the River Club, as its just a hop and a skip from me.

It looks like they have about two stock plans that they just recycle over and over.

Anyhoo, ole Ron has long joked that his inlaws are loaded. Does anyone know Babs White's pedigree?

Anonymous said...

The exterior's halfway pleasant in a "Low Country" sort of style but, my GOD, the interiors are wretchedly overdone. They're like being inside a wedding cake...blech.

Anonymous said...

This home does not hold a candle to that overdone, ugly, awful apartment Joan Rivers is selling.

Anonymous said...

OMG, I thought I was having a horrific nightmare when I looked at the interior pics!!!!! The interiors, the back of the house and the pool don't seem to go with the front of the house at all.

Anonymous said...

" Mullet Style " - mama, you slay me.

Anonymous said...

i don't think you can fix the FUGLY

Anonymous said...

Barbara White devalues the profession.

Anonymous said...

Ron White is an idiot. His comedy sucks I guess that is why he is selling all of his goods. Or it is his drug habit.

Andrea said...

what did the lonely do before the internet?