Friday, June 26, 2009

Hunky Jason Statham Lists Sexy Hollywood Condo

SELLER: Jason Statham
LOCATION: N. Vine Street, Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $1,395,000
SIZE: 2,140 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Simply the BEST & largest unit in one of the most architecturally significant buildings on W. coast. This *CELEBRITY OWNED* Uber chic loft featrs exquisite upgrades inc. Viking applncs & island, dsgnr bthrms, hrdwd floor, hand carpentered closet & pantry. ONLY the 8th floor features over sized windows to gaze directly at the sparkling lights at Sunset beneath the Hollywood sign nestled behind the iconic Capital records building from your living room, a loft and home that defines sophistication.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday, just before receiving word that Michael "The White Lady" Jackson passed to the other side, Your Mama heard from Mr. Smiley who directed our nosey eyeballs towards a "celebrity owned" condominium in at The Broadway Hollywood building listed for $1,395,000.

Not to toot our own horn or anything but it took Your Mama all of 47 seconds to figure out that the 8th floor loft-condo is owned by British born action flick actor Jason Statham who property records reveal bought the 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom unit in June of 2008 for $1,543,515 which means if our bejeweled abacus is correct, even if Mister Statham gets full price (and that is quite unlikely in today's market) he's take a loss of nearly $150,000.

Mister Statham, a former Olympic springboard diver and moe-dell, has appeared in a long list of films starting with ex-Mister Madonna's Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, the suggestively named Snatch and Revolver. He went on to make a slew of other cinematic gemstones that Your Mama confesses we've never seen nor heard of and, as per his IMDB reh-zoo-may, he is currently a hot property in Tinseltown with three films in production, another announced and two more in development. No wonder he's selling his starter condo...he's probably moving on up to something more worthy of his shooting star.

Let's leave alone the listing agent's loud declaration that the apartment is "CELBRITY OWNED" and move beyond the listing's high-larious hyperbole ("one of the most architecturally significant buildings on the W coast?" Really? It's a nice building, but really? On the entire wes coast?) and try to see the 2,140 square foot apartment for what it is.

The lofty corner unit centers around a large living room area with a wall of tall windows that looks down on gritty Hollywood Boulevard where if you look hard enough you can still find a street walker or two, over the cylindrical Capital Records buildings–which might actually be of the most architecturally significant buildings on the W coast–and towards the famed Hollywood sign. The living room is defined and anchored by colossal snow white sectional sofa wraps around a low, white coffee table both of which sit on a white shag rug. It all looks very "sexy" and lounge-like but, much as we can appreciate a white sofa, this is not a set up that would work well in Your Mama's house because we know deep in our snarky soul that our sassy house gurl Svetlana would rather light that shit on fire than try to keep it clean.

The kitchen has all the right appliances and a large (stainless steel?) island for slicing, dicing, chopping and mixing, but the dramatic mood lighting is really quite silly. Yes chickens, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have indirect lighting in our cookery too, but this kitchen looks like it's trying way to hard to be some sort of velvet rope nightclub rather than a place to boil up some pasta and make a damn tuna sandwich.

At least one of the two "bedrooms" is nothing but a doorless cubby off the living room which means that every passed gas, deep breath or rustle of the sheets can be heard by any and everyone else in the apartment. This is fine if you live alone and bring a plastic titted bimbo or two home every now and then from the too trendy Philippe Starck designed sushi joint Katsuya on the ground floor, but what happens when your damn mother comes for a visit? Larhd have mercy it gives Your Mama the chills up and down our fat back just to think of that.

The master bathroom, a black and white and mirrored cliché of pooper glamour, includes two sinks, shiny black counter tops, a separate tub and shower and acts as passage to a fully customized and fitted walk in closet/dressing room. Custom kitted walk-in closets are always a nice feature but Your Mama is concerned that there is not a window in the bathroom because no matter how powerful that electric vent in the cieling is, the crap smell will still creep into the closet and attach itself to clothes and shooz. Not pretty.

While living up in a condo in the heart of Hollywood is not appealing to many Angelenos any more than that shacking up above Times Square is the residential dream of many New Yorkers, the 10 story Broadway Hollywood building, built in 1927 and used originally as the B.. Dyas Specialty Emporium, is a designated Los Angeles Historic-Cultural Monument (#664) and does offer residents original architectural details and (for better or worse) Kelly Wearstler designed common areas as well as a number of desirable amenities such as valet parking, a fitness center and a swimming pool, spa, sun deck, outdoor fireplace and lounging cabanas up on the roof. It's unclear if the building has a 24/7 doorman, but it should if it don't, okay?

The Broadway Hollywood building opened its doors amid a thunderstorm hype and hoopla at the tail end of the real estate run up in Los Angeles and the frenzy (and some say marketing ploy) brought a lot of big name buyers to the building including Victoria Secret model Emma Henning, the nice gay decorator with the over-processed hair Kenneth Brown (who had been tyring to sell or lease his unit), Charlize Theron, Jack Osbourne, designer Sami Hayek (that would be Salma's brother), Danny Masterson and and that seemingly washed up ladees man Wilmer Valderama. It's unclear to Your Mama is any of these people actually occupy these apartments or if they were "purchased" as investments.

Property records show young Mister Statham also owns a house up on Rising Glen Road in Los Angeles that he bought in June of 2005 for $2,400,000 as well as on ocean front crib in the super celeb friendly and guard gated Malibu Colony that was purchased just a few days ago (in June of 2009) and which we'll discuss at greater length when we have a few minutes.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jason lives in a mid centry house on Rising Glen, so I don't think he ever occupied this place.... was just "purchased" as an investment.

Anonymous said...

I've never believed any of these celebs actually lived in these Ho'wood condo conversions--they just lend their names to the developers. Oh, maybe they stash their assistants in them. I know a brave attempt has been made to tidy up the Boulevard, but come on-- who needs a 1970s Manhattan experience in 2009 L.A.? If, as our Mama suggests, these apts were bought as investments--I'd suggest that these celebs fire their investment managers. Before I sign off-- while I have no interest whatsoever in seeing his movies... gimmme gimmme gimme some o' dat Statham... and his Rising Glen.

The Preppy Pauper said...

Oh Mama, we love how you go into great detail about bodily functions and their impact on residential real estate!

angeleyes said...

Nice loft style condo, although I'm not a fan of exposed overhead ductwork for esthetic and miles of dust catching reasons. Calling the cubby a 2nd bedroom is a huge stretch, but anything to advance a sale in the current enviornment I suppose. I'm guessing nothing can be done to add a window to the bathroom, so a quick 1st flush in tandem with despoits would be manditory. (Can't believe I just said that, lol). I'd sure miss having natural light in there during the day though. The roomy expanses of space, tall ceilings, and walls of windows are a trio of very desirable positives. All in all, if the price is realistic, I think this place stands a decent chance of selling within a reasonable amount of time.

Very informative and chuckle inducing article Mama, many thanks :)

Anonymous said...

architechtural detail-- on the outside maybe! Unless exposed plumbing qualifies as architectural detail-- it was a department store, not orig an apt bldg. Give me the Rossmore or the Revenswood or of those --

Anonymous said...

Mama,

I respectfully request that you stop referring to Michael Jackson as "The White Lady." It was funny was he was alive but now it is truly in bad taste. Celebrity or not, what happened to him was tragic and he does not deserve to be made fun of at this time. I hope you actually consider my proposition. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

It is a large apartment, so I don't understand why they have not done two real bedrooms, hopefully, in opposite sides of the apartment for more privacy. I like the tall ceilings.

Anonymous said...

floorplan - #806

Anonymous said...

Oh come on. Jackson was a great entertainer, and while his death may be "tragic," it does not cancel out the sad circus he (and others) made of his life including how he made himself out to look like an aging white woman.

As for this place...it looks like the sort of place Statham might have brought back women he was hooking up with so he didn't have to bring them to his real house.

Anonymous said...

10:57, White Lady is a physically accurate, descriptive nickname Mama gave to Michael long ago. Clearly he strove to remake his appearance over in both a white and feminine manner. Mocking reference to any of his alleged less savory characteristics would have been in bad taste. Mama knows the difference, however I understand your sensitivity concerning an untimely and tragic occurrence by anyone's measure.

lil' gay boy said...

Untimely, tragic, whatever; no one actually dies on their own schedule except by their own hand...

The White Lady is an affectionate moniker for someone who was, in his personal life, an odd character. Living or dead, it suits him; it is sure to bring a smile to most faces.

As for the hunky Jason Statham, now just what kind of moniker can we devise for this typecast, smoldering, strong-but-silent, steel-butted "thespian?"

With more than a baker's dozen action flicks under his enviable belt, some double entendre must be suitable for a man who's foisting what looks, essentially, to be a fuckpad on the LA market.

Chase'em Jason is too obvious, and Jace the Face is just inaccurate & crass...

Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?

Bueller said...

I like "My Personal Fk Toy"

Anonymous said...

This "Investment" smells like a LOSS......

Madam Pince said...

Since Mama mentioned Kenneth Brown, I'd love to see his new daughter's nursery. If anybody could get it for us, it would be you, Mama.

outsmoker said...

I bet he didn't live here because there is no smoking balcony. How cool is it that an olympic diver is such a hot smoker!

Anonymous said...

It makes sense that this building was originally a department store. No apartment bldg would have rooms this big, and due to structural concerns you wouldn't be able to knock out enough walls to do this.

While a view of the Hollywood sign would be kind of cool, the immediate neighborhood looks pretty sketchy.

Anonymous said...

Jason Statham's place on Rising Glen is pretty nice. Done by Xorin Balbes...

I had a look at it pre-sale. Perfect size - not too big.

Anonymous said...

Yeah...

The restored Pantages & Palladium Theatres, the Sunset+Vine complex in the next block, the Arclight & Dome across from it.

The new W complex across the street and the Sunset Tower both nearing completion...

The 6200 project, the Pantages Tower, and the Argyle/Yucca project all breaking ground within two blocks...

Real sketchy neighborhood.

Anonymous said...

1157-- maybe not from where you live, ya know?

Anonymous said...

Who cares about the decorative details when the sexiest man in Hollywood lives there?

Anonymous said...

Hunky? This guy looks like a ferret!

Anonymous said...

I agree, using a nickname like "The White Lady" is truly distasteful and in poor form. Let's be realistic, it was clearly never meant to be an "affectionate" nickname, so let's not kid ourselves into thinking it's meant to be one now.

Quite frankly, it's distasteful and disrespectful to speak ill of the deceased at any time (especially before the individual has even been properly put to rest).

Anonymous said...

go read some where else if u want respect and nice touchy feeley--- this aint the damn place

mama tears all these celebs a new one and gives them all "funny" names...deal with it, if u cant dont read it

Anonymous said...

Why is it that when someone dies all anyone will talk about is how "good" the person was.

Isn't it far more honest and ultimately respectful to remember a person for the entire person they were and not just the good parts?

Jackson revolutionized music, but he was a weird and broken individual who radically altered the way he looks. You can't separate the two parts of him without being disingenuous and naive.

Anonymous said...

......make that, "looked".........although the manmade bits will last for decades.

Anonymous said...

That area is fucking sketchy.

Obviously those that try to defend it have never lived near Hollywood.

Just because some moron wants to build high end buildings in a ghetto doesn't make it any better.

It's a shithole and I'd rather live further south at the El Royale if I wanted to be back in that neighborhood.

Viva! said...

The condo looks like a fuckpad to me...unless it's been staged to hell I think the lack of detail is pretty intentional on Jason Statham's part. Nothing to identify who lives there, nothing for a woman to steal. Hell, nothing for anyone to steal!

Fuck 'em, boot 'em and then head home. That's the Statham way and I have to say he's kinda the man for pulling that act off.

Anonymous said...

Viva is obviously a caring, sensitive, feminist or wants Statham to have his way in her.

Anonymous said...

12:32 - You are an idiot.

"Build high end buildings"?? The Broadway Hollywood is almost a 100 years old.

Clearly you have no idea of the area or maybe passed through when you parents took you on vacation to LA 20 years ago when Hollywood was "sketchy".

Six Percenters Suck said...

11:10

No shit the broadway is an old building. The area is still a shithole.

Clearly you're an option ARM condo investing Realturd.

Or perhaps you're a dumb fucking cultist scientologist, hoping to sling those converted pieces of shit on the same ghetto intersection.

Anonymous said...

Maybe with the W and the Whole Foods and etc. that area will become an urban center where people want to live, but right now it's transitional at best. I think Mama used the right word...gritty. Not the scary place it used to be, but not exactly nice either. Just my two cents.

And P.S. a lot of those condos aren't selling anymore and a good number of them some as short sales.

Anonymous said...

Not all the celebrity "residents" were/are scams. Many do live in the building.

But, yes, Jason likes on Rising Glen (if you don't know the house, look for the latest and greatest Audi's out front on the street - not a joke, part of his deal with them).

And that's the basic way to tell - check out their other holdings. Examples: Uh, why would Danny Masterson live in the building when he owns the old Check Berry estate about 1 1/2 miles away. Dave Navarro? This is all he's got.

Anonymous said...

Six Percenters Suck = Moron Joe.

Just sayin.....

Anonymous said...

The evidence is pretty clear in my opinion that the "White Lady" molested little boys. Boys that will probably be scared for life because of it.

Of course he contributed alot of great music to society so people are a little conflicted over his death. I don't believe though that he deserves the utmost respect because he appeared to be a child predator.

I don't like Hollywood but this looks like an amazing condo. but the locations SUCKS.

Anonymous said...

They will probably also be scarred for life as well.

Anonymous said...

Yawn....go troll somewhere else. We're bored with you.

Anonymous said...

Gorgeous condo!!!