Thursday, February 12, 2009

Ashton Kutcher Sells Bev Hills Bachelor Pad

SELLER: Ashton Kutcher
LOCATION: Suffolk Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $3,700,000
SIZE: 4,860 square feet, 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Private tennis court estate on a peaceful cul-de-sac in prime BHPO. Exquisite custom renovation in 2008, featuring a 2-story foyer and LR w/ FP, gourmet Thermador center island kitchen w/ banquette leading to huge FR with full bar and wine storage. Master suite with double limestone baths, double closets, vaulted ceiling and fireplace. Incredible grounds with pool, spa, tennis court, and putting green. Three car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Hush up babies, we know we are unfashionably late to the party on this celeb owned property which has already been discussed by both the L.A. Times and Mister Big Time. We're gonna weigh in anyway because we sorta like this cougar luvin' Ashton Kutcher fella who recently listed his Beverly Hills Post Office bachelor pad for $3,700,000

Before there was Demi and before he was clowning around making famous folks look like a bunch of damn fools on Punk'd, and way before he became a prolific and wildly rich reality tee-vee producer, Ashton Kutcher portrayed a high-lariously stupid and sexed up teenager on the boob-toob pot fest That 70s Show. Property records show that in May of 2001, during his long stint on That 70s Show, the one-time male model dumped $1,690,000 on a 4,860 square foot sorta-Tudar style house on sleepy Suffolk Drive in the Benedict Canyon area of the Beverly Hills Post Office.

His reality tee-vee credits include Miss Guided, Beauty and the Geek and that wretched True Beauty program where vain and allegedly "pretty" people compete to be the most beautiful of the sorry bunch. Young Mister Kutcher has also appeared in a number of goofy romantic comedies including What Happens in Vegas, My Boss's Daughter and the bone chillingly heinous cinematic gem Dude Where's My Car. Plus, he's a politically informed, active and articulate guy, which, quite frankly, is pretty damn hot.

Listing information reveals the gated and recently rehabbed residence sits at the tail end of a quiet cul-de-sac and includes 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms. That's lot of terlits for a single guy. The floor and stair treads in the double height entrance hall have been laid with brick-like brown tiles and for some reason a silly suit of armor has been tucked into the curve of the curving stair case. Someone please tell Your Mama that Mister Kutcher did not call this metal piece of poo Jeeves or some other stoopid and stereotypical butler-ish name.

The double height ceilings continue into the living room which features a herringbone patterned wood floor, a giant half-wagon wheel like window over a bank of French doors and a corner fireplace with what unfortunately appears to be a massive mirror that stretches from the raw timber mantle all the way up to the ceiling, a decorative detail that is far too Bob Evans for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooters rather delicate sensibilities.

The large gore-may kitchen is all did up and done over in about 49 shades of beige and brown with a beige faux suede paint treatment and the same brown brick-like tiles on the floor as in the entrance hall. A large work island with granite counter tops is surrounded by eveb more granite counter tops and a full suite of Thermador brand appliances. A built in banquet anchors one corner of the room which opens to what listing information calls a "huge family room with full bar and wine storage," features that surely pleased any potential buyers with a penchant for the booze.

Another room, let's call it the "man's room," has a lot of built in mill work cabinetry, a bronze (and pressed tin looking) ceiling and a poker table and four bucket chair things that all looks like it's trying to be something out of a turn of the century gentleman's club. Although we would never devote an entire room to playing poker, if Your Mama's memory serves correct–and it very well may not–Mister Kutcher and several of the other cast members from That 70s Show were major card players back in the early 2000s when poker was all the rage among the Tinseltown set.

The commodious master suite includes high beamed ceiling, a second wood burning fireplace and a private balcony overlooking the back yard. Listing information also shows there are two dressing rooms and two limestone bathrooms, a deluxe convenience that ensures the mistress and master of the house need never shower, dress or evacuate in each others presence.

Although not particularly large, the back yard features a lighted and wind screen wrapped tennis court that also doubles as an outdoor basketball court for pick up games with famous friends. A simple rectangular swimming pool–heated we presume–includes a spa tucked into one corner and is surrounded by what may or may not be blue stone terracing. Although we appreciate the structure that sits between the pool and the tennis court for providing some shade from the scorching southern California sunshine, we're rather disappointed with the execution. Lattice? Really?

As noted by Mister Big Time, this is the very house where back in 2001, a much younger and pre-Demi Mister Kutcher claims he caught those naughty Bush gurls Jenna and Whatshername smoking the wacky tabacky with one of his friends. The White House refused comment, natch, and Mister Kutcher has stuck to his story. Perhaps they didn't inhale?

Information we received from Madam Butterfly shows the house went into escrow just 5 days after being listed on the MLS. However, we suspect (but can not confirm) that the house was quietly shopped around off market for some period of time and was stuck up on the MLS once it looked like a hot buyer had walked through the door.

Previous to living up in the Bev Hills P.O., property records show Mister Kutcher owned a much more modest four bedroom house on N. Vista Street in Hollywood. Or maybe that's West Hollywood. Whatever the case, just down the hill from Runyan Canyon. Now, of course, the Kabbalah devotee shacks up in a gorgeous contemporary crib on celebrity lined Oak Pass Road in the Beverly Hills Post Office with his much older ladee friend Demi Moore and her trio of wanna be famous children Rumor, Tallulah and Scout. Okay. Your Mama doesn't really know if they all want to be famous, but that Rumor one sure does and she is working her nepotistic shit six ways from sideways. For better or worse, it seems to be working.

47 comments:

Anonymous said...

That Rumer Willis can try all she wants, but she's never going to be famous for being anything but hideously, disturbingly ugly...she got the worst of Demi's & Bruce's faces mashed together into a mug that noone wants to see supersized on a movie screen (or big screen TV for that matter)...it's not her fault, genetics can be cruel, but it nauseates me the way the Hollywood press tries to ignore this sad truth and pretend she's beautiful...she may be beautriful on the inside, but since when has that ever mattered in the world of celebrity, espescially the last 20 years or so?

Anonymous said...

the brick floors are giving me a headache

The Preppy Pauper said...

Talk about that 1970s show! I can't believe this house was renovated last year. Except for the flat screen in the living room, it looks like it hasn't been touched since the 1970s. My eyes are burning. Sorry, I think it's a Tudor turd.

Grrrowler said...

Those "brick" floors make me very dizzy just looking at them (OK, dizzier than normal). Having them wind up the staircase only makes it worse, then add in the "fence" holding up the banister and it's rather nausea inducing. Too much of a good thing can easily turn bad, and too much of a bad thing is, well, those floors.

This place just screams middle-America McMansion to me. It's clearly lacking in charm or style. Blech.

Anonymous said...

11:19, I hear you. Not feelin' the brown brick floors, front hall staircase handrailings or color, nuttin'. Preppy Pauper, agree with you to an extent also. The kitchen appliances, light fixtures, and bathroom look updated, the rest not at all. Mixed into a faux Tudor theme, it's what you said.

Anonymous said...

ICK!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Guess he got tired of paying the property taxes......

Anonymous said...

now that's a HOT MESS, huh Mama?

Anonymous said...

Y'all might hate it, but someone loved it enough to pay millions for it.

Mostly not my thing, but I don't think it's not as bad as some of you are saying.

I like the tile floors.

brooklawn dr said...

Are you kidding? Those brick floors and stairs are terrific.

You can hose the whole house down in minutes after a big beer and bong party and be ready for the next event. Very classy indeed.

Anonymous said...

white trash with money....america's worst nightmare!

Anonymous said...

Wow, that is really bad. Let's give him a pass on this one since he probably bought it when he was like 22 or so.

And I'm sorry, I'll admit it - I loved That '70s Show.

Anonymous said...

11:11, those are some harsh words about Rumor. Somethings just don't need to be said.

Anonymous said...

This house looks like it came straight out of my SIMS game. Ugh.

outsmoker said...

Absolutely perfect! Hard glistening surfaces. A brown barrel ceiling in the game room...no drapes and high ceilings. This is the perfect house for the hot smoker Ashton is and always will be. It will sell fer sure.

Anonymous said...

You can get those 'tin' ceiling tiles at Home Creepo. They are made of plastic. What, no crown in the kitchen?

Mama, I hope you are being sarcastic when you claim he's an 'articulate guy". Did you see the video of his rant at his neighbors? He's a potty-mouthed, juvenile, petulant hottie!

Anonymous said...

Just name one better looking celebrity.I double dog dare you.

Anonymous said...

The house looks high end home depot to me.

Despite his rant about the neighbor, he's a smart guy. He's totally up on political stuff and has been on that Bill Maher show and I thought he sounded great.

Anonymous said...

that staircase is so ulgy!

Anonymous said...

LMAO at "Tudor Turd."

I totally agree.

Viva! said...

Ug-lee.

And to the very first poster, damn right! Rumer Willis is a nobody!

Anonymous said...

Is this the house where he went ballistic the other day?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 11:11, STFU you ignorant git.

Nice house inside and out..bit pricey though.

Anonymous said...

4:41 No.

Anonymous said...

Love everything about this house except for the flooring in the front foyer & kitchen, and the railing on the stairs

Anonymous said...

Grim :(

Anonymous said...

yuck. there's a skeevy quality to this place that i just can't put my finger on. however, i think i can almost smell the glade vanilla room 'fresheners', and the junk food being heated up in the microwave. also bedrooms done up by his mother with curtains and polyester duvets from linen's and things. . .

Anonymous said...

A total skanky whore house. Bad taste and over-priced. AND in a crummy part of BHPO.

The buyer was taken for a ride.

Anonymous said...

I think 8:38 pretty much summed it up.

who exactly would buy this? what kind of person would go looking for a house in beverly hills in the 3-4 million price range, and, given everything that's out there, decide on this? who?

unless of course they didn't pay anywhere near that asking price. . .

Anonymous said...

Nobody ever has to wonder if Ashton is "straight." One look at these interiors and it screams: H-E-T-E-R-O!!! These are some of the ugliest finishes I've seen in a long time.

Anonymous said...

Looks like his "70's Show" money bought him a 70's style house - and not a very good one. The brick-look tile floors are hideous (they even go up the staircase - ick) and look like something you'd find in a Burger King. And ye olde poker room is just stupid. This house has been recently updated?!? In what way exactly? Except for maybe a kitchen facelift and new appliances, I don't see it.

I do like the simplicity of the rectangular pool, however. Not the crap around it - just the pool itself. Actually, the pool surprises me for I don't think it goes with the rest of the house. Maybe he replaced or remodeled it?

Anonymous said...

He needs to take a picture of it with one of his free Nikons and label it "One Ugly House".

The brick floor and stair way are a geometric pattern NIGHTMARE! Follow the brown brick floor. Follow the brown brick floor. Follow, Follow, Follow....

The bathroom cabinets look like they are straight from the Home Depot display. Horrid!

The backyard is a total landscaping MESS run amuck. Tennis Court, basketball court, pool, lawn, patio. All that is missing is a shuffle board court and horse shoe pit!

Anonymous said...

I FOUND IT!!! After carefully re-reviewing Mama's pics, I think the mystery "recent upgrade" is the poor lonely pale purple phaelonopsis orchid on the dinette table.

What would be a (sorry Mama, I know you think they're overdone) nice touch in a white bathroom is damn near invisible in the midst of all that brown.

I'm still looking for the fraternity Greek letters pasted over some doorway. It' all like an I-Spy book - hard to see but I know they're there.

Anonymous said...

Suffolk Drive s/b renamed Tennis Court Dr. OMG

Anonymous said...

Those bricks remind me of the kitchen inside a fast food joint. Where are the floor drains?

Anonymous said...

Actually, this is totally what I would expect of young bachelor with his first big infusion of cash. Dumb and kind of tasteless.

As for naming one better-looking celebrity (re: Feb. 12 2:53 comment)? Oh my, where do I start? Rob Pattinson, Viggo Mortenson, Daniel Day Lewis, Jude Law...mmmm gotta run, go some stuff to--uh--do..

Babe Parish said...

-Looks like a high end UCLA frat house.
-Anon 8:38: love the word 'crummy' :)
-Picking on Rumer Willis is a bit boorish...

Hippie Canyon said...

Yes, Babe, as a Bruin I can attest to some similarities between ASShton's Deep Canyon manse and a frat house on Gayley. Now, I'll leave it to other creative types to link those wonderful words... Ass/Deep Canyon/Gayley/Frat, but frankly I'm too hung over this morning and too frustrated that my BF has yet to call and confirm our romantic din-din tomorrow night. So, Mama, hope you have an extra TV dinner for me. Anyways, this house is part & parcel of "Mr.Moore." It might as well be on Mars compared to Demi's fabulous pad seen last year in AD. This house hasn't been touched since Deep Canyon was created back in the 70s! This is very much the typical house of (a) young/straight Hollywood star recently transplanted from a mid-western state (b)the nice family of Dr.So-n-So, formerly of some shithole like Fresno/Lancaster/ etc.

Yak said...

A Tudor Turd for a Turd Vendor. All of his shows appeal to the lowest common denominator of society. They are white trash TV at its finest. There is no accounting for taste. Don't like him or his idiot shows and not sure what Demi sees in him. He is no Bruce Willis. Top it all off with poor taste in real estate. This Yak says Yuk!

Anonymous said...

Did he not attend the of U of Iowa and major in biotechnology, or something similar? I always presumed that he was a normal, bright but very pretty boy who was steered into modeling because of his good looks, and then went on to Hollywood, but his bio in Wikipedia says that he had quite an unhappy youth and much family trouble. Evidently he was "discovered" by a "scout" in a bar. Related to that, has he ever fathered any children, or is he only a step-father?

Anonymous said...

I hear Ashton is trying to set a relative up with a contractor business. Perhaps the "2008 renovations" are their work. Wonder who has been living in this house since Ashton & Demi have been in the other house for quite a while.

It has actually been two years since Demi & Ashton's house was featured in AD.

Anonymous said...

Yak - are you kidding me? assuming Demi wants to fuck I think the choice of Ashton over Bruce is a no-brainer.

lil' gay boy said...

Shit shack.

Anonymous said...

The house is fake 70's TV tudor--not 1920's.

But, this is a lot of sqft for the $$$ in Bev Hills. Yeah, it's a big load of crap and it has all the bells and whistles--that's why it sold. C'mon--3.something mil for tennis, pool, 6 beds---you can't even find that in Atlanta.

Every room makes me want to be depressed---I could never imagine taking people thru the inside and promoting my lovely house. Just a house for boys with no taste to smoke weed in and gamble.

Playing nice for now,
Mama's black sheep in WEHO

Anonymous said...

I hear Ashton is not happy with the monster house construction in the vacant lot next to Demi's pad.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/01/29/ashton-kutcher-rails-agai_n_162237.html

Maybe that is why he sold it. They could be moving to a more private location again. Needs the money for a downpayment.

It will be a good time to buy in the months ahead.

Anonymous said...

He should give it to Potato Head.

Anonymous said...

"Maybe that is why he sold it. They could be moving to a more private location again. Needs the money for a downpayment"

The house they live in at the moment is absolutely stunning & they carried out a very long renovation [by marmol radziner] i doubt they are moving, besides, the location is really private - it was just the 7am construction noise he was complaining about.