Friday, November 7, 2008

Another Orange County Housewife House Goes on the Block

SELLER: Simon and Tamra Barney
LOCATION: Pointe Circle, Ladera Ranch, CA
PRICE: $1,599,000
SIZE: 4,300 (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Tuscan Beauty! This very desirable plan 3 sits on a pie shaped lot at the end of a long cul-de-sac with only 4 houses on the street. 5 bedrooms all with full bathrooms. down stairs office with built in bookcase.loft, master bedroom retreat, hardwood floors with custom stone inlay. Large kitchen with granite center island. rustic wood beams, crown molding, Iron staircase. Entertainers DREAM yard. Wrap around yard has everything. Saltwater pool and spa w/ waterfalls, fireplace, fire pit, built in grill with prep area, 2 refrigerators, built in covered bar, lush landscaping and so much more.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Since the fourth season of the terrifically trashy tee-vee train wreck that is The Real Housewives of Orange County is soon to spill into our family rooms and liquefy the intellectual framework of our already gin and tonic sotted brains, Your Mama thought the children might like a little real estate scuttlebutt about one of the stupidly stereotypical southern California ladees that make up the publicity craving cast of the program.

Thanks to covert communiques from several of Your Mama's tipsters from down behind the Orange Curtain, we recently learned that 40-year old real estate agent Tamra Barney and her uptight Mercedes-Benz salesman huzband Simon have put their Ladera Ranch tract house on the market with an asking price of $1,599,000. Do y'all recall which one she is? She's the deeply shallow and looks obsessed blond gal with four children and perky plastic boobs who was utterly wrecked about turning the big four-0 and who seemed to think she was clever and cute when she was drunk but was really quite annoying and embarrassing. Remember her? She isn't as troubling as the colossally cleavaged Christian cougar Quinn Fry, but she's a close second.

Anyhoo, property records show that Mister Mercedes and his reluctantly slipping over the hill wifey scooped up their tract house in August of 2005 when they forked over $1,320,500 for their approximately 4,300 square foot so-called "Tuscan Beauty." Wedged into an 8,937 square foot pie-shaped lot, the 5 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom residence is located in the gated community of Covenant Hills which, rather surprisingly, is the only gated community in Ladera Ranch.

Listing information indicates that each of the five bedrooms includes a private pooper and another half bathroom services the downstairs where guests are greeted in a narrow, double height entrance hall with a slightly curved staircase. The oppresively beige living room is focused on a fireplace and has been painted beige, filled with a boat load of beige furniture and topped off with a breathtakingly absurd chandelier. Somewhere there is a formal dining room, but if it looks anything like the living room, we do not care to see it. Listing information also indicates the downstairs includes an office with built in bookcases where we like to imagine Mrs. Barney works her real estate empire and schedules her Botox appointments.

The reasonably sized and well appointed kitchen is not to our taste, but we do think with a few minor tweaks–say, replacing those nasty hanging lights over the work island–this could be a very functional and family friendly food preparation room. The adjacent family room features an unfortunately off-center fireplace, more banal beige furniture (not to mention a truckload of beige floor tiles), and a built-in entertainment center where the ever so humble Mrs. Barney made sure her image was on the big screen tee-vee when the photo was taken. Now that, children, is klassy with a "k" if we ever saw it.

Upstairs, a saloon-like sitting area is flanked by four of the five bedrooms including the master retreat with a day-core so perplexing and horrendous that Your Mama can not stop looking at it. Could that be one of Suzanne Somers' ridiculously obscene ThighMasters stashed under the bench at the foot of the bed? If not, she might want to consider ordering one of those exercise contraptions. Your Mama sincerely recommends Mrs. Barney keep her thighs tight, tight, TIGHT in order to stave off the threat of Mister Mercedes turning her in for a newer and younger model.

The Barney backyard has been did up and worked over in an extravagant manner like most of the other Housewives houses. A greenery surrounded barbecue center has plenty of counter space for ripping the skin of chicken breasts, a built in gas grill, not just one, but two mini-fridges, and an outdoor fireplace flanked by a couple of padded benches. Somewhere, according to listing information, there is also a built in fire pit, which just seems like gilding the lily, don't it? Naturally, since the Barney babe and Mister Mercedes have a few shorties running around the tract house, the saltwater swimming pool and spa have been surrounded by a protective barrier to keep the kiddies from drowning while all the grown-ups get crocked at the semi-circular wet bar that occupies a covered patio.

Listen puppies, these Orange Country tract homes are about as far from Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's Barbie Dream House as a home can get. But clearly there are many folks who feel just the opposite. For all we know, and we truely don't know a thing about anything, this is an exquisite and desirable residential example of a finely feathered Orange Country nest that easily justifies the $1,599,000 asking price. You be the judge.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

The fire pit can be seen in the 4th picture in the right column. Keep up the GREAT WORK!

Anonymous said...

OMG - just checked out the listing website...you gotta check it out. This woman is so obsessed with herself! The shot of the family room has the TV on and has a picture of her and "her family" - the next shot is the front of her house...and then a picture of her kitchen shows a paper towel holder that is down to the cardboard holder!!! Haha - what a superficial hoochie... A nice house though - not too gaudy.

Anonymous said...

http://www.socalmls.com/Listing/ListingDetail.aspx?Listing=35181261

Anonymous said...

The place looks haunted. $800,000 tops. For that kind of money they are asking i'd rather blow the money on high class whores in Moscow.

JB in Silver Lake said...

Oh Mama, it's a good thing you didn't take a look at that dining room. It's worse than you thought. I felt an immediate need to hurl just a little in my mouth when I saw it. And that thing she's calling a firepit, rather looks like she was going for a greek tragedy kind of feel. Jeebus on the cross, I feel a little violated.

joe in T.O. blog said...

T A C K Y

My father was right...money doesn't care who it belongs to. Don't eat the nouveau riche, they'll give you indigestion.

Anonymous said...

Doesn't add up -selling a home in this market means something - bad...?

Anonymous said...

I don't know what they get paid for being on the show.....however, if she sells real estate and he sells cars....what do you think has happened to their incomes recently?......

Anonymous said...

I can't believe people haven't commented on the large mirror 'strategically' placed right next to the bed! Ack! The horrors that poor mirror must see...

Natalie said...

I've got the same bar stools...from Pier 1...I like'm better in my kitchen, haha!

I'm guessing times are tough...she came off kinda douchey - okay, a lot douchey - so might not be getting a lot of business as a result.

House looks like a model decorated on the cheap. I think he pic on the tv is TACKY.

Anonymous said...

November 7, 2008 1:12 PM

OMG... You are so right. But, I hear they get paid a very nice sum of money.

Anonymous said...

November 7, 2008 2:40 PM

According to the show, Simon sells cars based on their sex life. So, she gives it to him every night. Maybe the mirrors are there for entertainment purposes.

Anonymous said...

I lived in this area for several years. My humble opinion; it's pleasant but boring, and if you don't want to be part of the gossip circles and block parties life can be challenging. You'll do hard time around those fire pits and back yard barbecues, clutching your beer, wishing you were anywhere else while your neighbors whisper intimate details about their husbands you'd rather not know. Just my experience; I'm sure others find this area to be wonderful place. For this price, I'd consider Huntington Beach, Seal Beach, San Clemente...better weather, more diverse neighbors, closer to more places of interest, more activities to enjoy. Also, if you like this style of house and topography, check out Temecula or DeLuz...for this price point, you can find beautiful estates with acres of land, only about an hour away.

Viva! said...

Not a bad house...Tamra Barney, for all her insanity, is so unintentionally hilarious I can't help but love her. So much more tolerable than that Christian Cougar Quinn with her sand bag breasts. I wonder if the Barney's are moving up...or down.

lil' gay boy said...

"Now that, children, is klassy with a "k" if we ever saw it."

Mama, you are too, too kind; as my Nana used to say, "It practically SCREAMS good taste."

And can anyone tell me from the aerial just where the "…long cul-de-sac with only 4 houses on the street…" might be? I have never understood the charm of this type of SoCal neighborhood; with its broad swathes of AstroTurf® colored grass blanketing the sun-scortched and wind-blasted landscape ––– where the fuck are the trees? This is not a brand new development, is it?

And the decor is a white hot mess; with a master bedroom straight out of Barnabas Collins' crypt (can't you just picture Victoria Winters, aka Alexandra Moltke Ilses, vapidly gazing into it, wondering why she can't see him?), to the light fixtures from Whores R Us, and what I'd bet my left nut is a plethora of artificial plants (she does have a plastic thumb), the bad taste is astonishing.

BTW, a friend worked with Simon for a number of years and assures me that the stick up his ass is indeed large, stainless steel, & permanent.

lil' gay boy said...

…vapidly gazing into it…

The infamous mirror ––– my bad.

;-)

Sandpiper said...

Mama, could you please pass me the pencil? This place is all wrong on sooo many levels, leading with core bad taste in every way -- inside and out. It's all so down hill. Can't even fathom that mirror deal in the tacky bedroom. Enough said.

P.S. Hi, Joe in T.O. So sorry about Ella. Also, The Shipping News? I've read it. Slow moving but a part of life to be appreciated.

Anonymous said...

WHAT THE FUCK????????? This is one of the worst houses I've ever seen, inside and out!!!! And a "celebrity" lives here?

That bedroom? Seriously? No words can express. The living room?????????

That Embassy Suites balcony/ terrace thing? This house might sell for $799,000, plus a meeting with Tamra.

P.S. Cannot WAIT for season 4. I love Lauri!

Anonymous said...

Word on the street is that Mr. B is hurting big time what with Alimony payments and that the Mrs has not scored a commision check in sometime. As you can see by what they paid for and what they are asking they will net next to nothing, not much for the down payment on I dare say a Condo!
Times are tough and when is high end sales these are the first people to go. Should be interesting to see what the new season brings.

Anonymous said...

Ok - will confess upfront that I'm from the UK and am addicted to Mama's site - bloody fantastic. What I don't understand is why USA kitchens are, by and large, so ugly! You'd think with all the money most of the buyers and sellers have that they could afford a nice, European, gay kitchen designer.

Anonymous said...

yeah the kitchens in America seem to have too much wood! why is this?

are all kitchens made by the same maker or the mafia have a control over this?

Anonymous said...

Tammy has only 3 sales in her total career. One for 1.29,
One for 1 million and one for 690K

All were 2.5% commisions which she probably split at least 70/50 with her broker, leaves her with a grand total of about 50K. Not bad, but not rich OC Housewife Material. Tough times behind gates.

Billy said...

With that sales history, no wonder the furniture looks like it is from Ashley. And I would swear that that is the same floor plan I looked at in the mid 80’s up off the MV reservoir, oh I mean “lake”, but then they had Cape Cod and Cottage facades and a car load of faux used brick. I had to go to Capistrano Beach just to get the “Valley Girl” soundtrack out of my head.

lisa said...

The outside living area is nice, especially the bar area!
Love your blog!!!
xoxo from las vegas

Anonymous said...

cheap and 80's

Cuddles Kovinsky said...

This house is just like Architectural Digest.

Sandpiper said...

LGB, taking a peek at the new comments. I was writing when you posted, and missed it. Great observations, including the large stick. That guy makes me very uneasy.

Three lots? Huh? LOL. I find that very hard to believe.

ALPHA said...

They won't get the asking price.She's basically doing working for free because if she had to hire an agent-the commission and closing costs would eat at the difference.Matters not.NO ONE is gonna meet her asking price.

Anonymous said...

THis woman thinks she is the classiest shit ever and lives one step above a trailer. Love the furniture!!!! 80s is a great era in design.

Anonymous said...

ummmm, did you notice the screen shot on the tv is of her?

sonorossa said...

I wonder what this economy has done to their Mystic Tan budget. I like my Orange County housewives orange.

Anonymous said...

I bet this means curtains for her son. Step-Daddy never took to him anyway. I have a feling declining Benz sales and a s-l-o-w real estate market are the reasons this tract home is for sale. I hope this woman does not offer to include one of pics in the sale. I like the earlier comment that money does not care who it belongs to...this money needs to be ashamed anyway.

Griffey and Charlie said...

Any time I see a listing that describes the property as "Tuscan" I know it's time to run!

The house could be okay with some color and decent decor, but the lot size is pathetic for a house that large, which is normal in OC. I have a 2800 sf 2 story on a 8500 square foot lotin North OC, and i think my yards are tiny.

Anonymous said...

I have done a couple homes in covenant hills (am a designer). Her furniture is the cheapest shit! and her artwork is crap from homegoods. A big home should have custom drapery, not flimsy storebought. They seriously put the cheapest garbage in that home-but ladera ranch is like that. its disgusting.

Anonymous said...

Hey, heard the Quinnsters house is up as well. I guess they are all hitting the skids !

Anonymous said...

ha this girl is a joke and so is her hubby. That house looks straight out of riverside county. ew, i dont consider 4300sqft to be large either in Southern California, they are just average joes trying to keep up with the jones.

Anonymous said...

4300 sf is not very big for 5 br and 5.5 "poopers" Looks like a cracker box from the exterior, too. JMO

Anonymous said...

Okay, wtf is up with the coffee table in the LR? How in the heck is one supposed to use the thing. That cheap VG obviously knows nothing about design. Ewwwww. The furnishings are downright sad. Very sad house. Ugh.

Anonymous said...

These white trash pieces of garbage have hit the financial wall. Mercedes Benz in Germany got wind of Simon bringing the show into the dealership and is days became numbered. Then they saw he got Tamra's mildly retarded son a job in the parts department and that sealed Simon's fate. The party is over for these people, the house will be sold in a short share or forclosure, it will trade below $1million, these people are squatting there at the moment.

Speaking of squatting, I'd like to squeeze off a loaf in one of the bathrooms, and then form it like a piece of clay into a Rolex watch and leave it on the vanity as a gift.

Anonymous said...

Gomer Pyle's bunk house was far better looking than this pile of hammered shit. She put more money into the hair spray than she did the decor. Let's see, they have five and a half crappers and four kids. That leaves on dooty bowl for the two of them, one each for the kids and the half bath for the half assed retard who has more artwork on his geeky body than the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. To think this fagadocious goof ball even had a remote thought of being a California Highway Patrol Officer. He wouldn't have the honor of being a blackhead on a cops ass. Let's see, she's in real estate and Simon used to sell cars until he got drummed out of Fletcher with his shoebox full of belongings. They can't be making much. Maybe they'll end up doing a short sale and can move in with Slade Smiley in his rented digs in L.A. Love that empty cardboard roll in the kitchen. I'm sure the rolls in their shitters are empty too after realizing they are broke.

Anonymous said...

Tamra is a dark jealous woman, trying to hook her retarded son up with the druken Gretchen who was in a vulnerable place because of her dying fiance. These people will reap what they sow, they are bad disfuctional people, its not the editing. They are morally and financially bankrupt. It's sad, but wathcing them is a learning experience for others, no one will care how far they fall, they came from the bottom of the barrel and are headed back there. Good riddence to these pieces of white trash. Simon will realize what a mess he has made of his wife, hopefully he hooks up with Gretchen, which is what Tamra really fears, and will pleasure her properly. Gretchen was made a fool of by Tamra at the dinner party, but i predict she will have the last laugh (and orgasm)at Tamra's expense.

Anonymous said...

Mama, thats a nice house but based on Tamra's personality...I would have expected a trailer and some mangy dogs lying about. That woman is delirious walking about saying she is the hottest housewife, she is white trash, I hate to insult plastic bags that way. She got lucky and married Simon (should have been Bubba Joe)

mac mansion news said...

Tammy's right about one thing, Simon DEFINATELY has a trashy side. Mac trashy to a new level.

Tammy - Don't throw fake B(l)arney stones at glass houses.

Maybe try some Mac etiquette classes instead.

mac mansion news said...

Fake boobs, fake mansion, fake emotional outrage - poor Tammy was brutalized by Gretchen.
Gretchen didn't know people like T exist! Frankly I'm a little suprised. But I'm guessing a stater job as a stripper -come out looking a little like this in the end.Waala!
Fake Success!

Anonymous said...

Selling their house and losing money is great news. Tamra has been a judgemental witch and her husband always struck me as a neo-Nazi type. And let's don't forget that son she forgot to instil any redeeming value in.