Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Slade's Orange County Mess

SELLER: Slade Smiley
LOCATION: 14 Meadow Wood Drive, Coto De Caza, CA
PRICE: $1,725,000
SIZE: 4,800 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular elegant customized hoome with high ceiling, large rooms, travertine floors, custom light fixtures, new double ovens, microwaves, 4 dishwasher drawers, Cooks delight kitchen, with exotic granite Island, cozy breakfast nook, Large over sized family room, Large bedrooms and romantic master, circular driveway and premier cul de sac location make this a must see home. Recently remodeled and ready for your choice in new carpet.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh lawhd hunnies, when we first saw this posted on the excellent Curbed LA website we just about lost our minds. Every Tuesday Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter sit down to watch The Housewives of Orange County and every week we are left breathless at the confusing and upsetting lives of the citizens of Coto De Caza. Many a scene of this train wreck of a reality show were filmed in this house which of course was the home base for hunky and scruffy Slade and his dimwitted girlfriend Jo.

Before anyone gets up on a high horse and tries to tell Your Mama we're just jealous we don't have a big multi-million dollar McMansion in a gated community and a money tree in the backyard, let us tell you we would sooner slit our own throat than live down behind the Orange Curtain. We have been to the slums of Johannesburg babies, and believe Your Mama when we tell you, Soweto is a better place to live. Surely if the devil walks the face of the earth, he would choose to live down in Coto De Caza with all those crazy bitches with fake titties, fake tans, and fake teeth. Fake. Fake. FAKE. And the snotty children...don't even get Your Mama started on those ungrateful little brats who imagine they have enough money they don't need to be educated. Please.

If you missed the season finale, you might be wondering why the good looking but half-witted Slade would be selling his suburban house of horrors. Here's a recap. Jo, the "girlfriend," who shamefully and disturbingly acts and talks like a seven year old girl most of time, up and left Slade for a life of late nights and public vomiting in Hollywood. She was not ready to be a semi-retired housewife restricted to the confines of backyard barbecues and soccer mommies gossiping about plastic surgery victims. We can't really blame her for that, Your Mama would surely stroke out in that environment too. And, this is the best part, bitch went to Hollywood pursue her dream to be a pop star. Stop laughing now babies, she says she's serious about it and she's even met with a music producer with fingers full of bling and a klassy pimped out Bentley.

So off she goes, flying up the 405 in the Mercedes Slade paid for, declaring her independence all the way to the tacky two bedroom apartment she was planning on sharing with her slightly less retarded friend J.J.

Poor Slade. Left alone to ramble around in that big, ugly house all by himself. Well, turns out the ignoramus can't just move on and find a new high-maintenance hussy who wants to live behind the gates of Hell. For reasons Your Mama can not comprehend, he really loves Jo. So what does the little bugger do? He puts the house on the market and moves to Hollywood where he is going to be Jo's music manager. Yes children, you read that correctly. If he can't be the boyfriend, apparently he'll settle for being the manager.

Your Mama just thinks that's sad. No. More than sad. Utterly depressing. Your Mama suspects a reality show spin off is desperately being shopped around. Which is even more depressing.

Slade's house is being listed by none other than the real estate maven housewife Jeana Keough, for whom Your Mama has a soft spot. Poor thing has to raise up those nasty kids without any help from her surly huzband. Anyhoo, Your Mama suspects a house like this is a hot commodity in Coto, however, we are sorry to say we can't find one thing in this house we can say something positive about.

The unnerving spectacle of the house really speaks for itself, but we have to tell the children the three most pressing issues we have with the house.

First off we have the acres of white carpeting. Does anyone really think white wall to wall carpeting is a good idea? It's not. Ever. Even if you're Barbra Streisand.

Secondly, those recliners in the "media room" are so unbelievably horrid Your Mama doesn't even know where to begin. Thankfully those tacky excuses for chairs do not come with the house.

And one thing that is not visible in the photos is that this house does not have a swimming pool or a spa. Now, we don't know about any of you, but that seems criminal. Who in Coto would dare not to have such standard equipment? That alone could keep this house from selling.

If anyone cares, Slade purchased this house in February of 2002 for $822,000.

We're sure some leather skinned mommy will pull up in her Escalade and feel in her fake little heart that she's found the perfect house for her and her family. The only good that we see in all of this? Jeana gets a big fat commission check.

Source: Curbed LA, ReMax

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mama, this is my favorite post to date, not the house, but your comments!!! You nailed it with this one! I am riveted to see what you post next.

NY Realtor

Anonymous said...

Bargain! Bargain! Bargain! Where I live, almost 5,000 sq ft would mean around $3mm; and a pool, tops, would set you back $40 or $50k.

Miami Architect

Theresa said...

Jo and Slade's relationship perplexes me. He doesn't understand why she's not thrilled to be the stay-at-home stepmom, and she can't understand why he's annoyed by her bouts of drunkenness (and the occasional attempt to molest his parents' unsuspecting but suitably horrified dog).

Also his costume collection is freaky. I bet he's into clowns, too.

I lived in Aliso Viejo at the time Slade bought; there were and are some bargains to be found in Coto but when you're talking about a community of over ten thousand people, the "gates" hardly have meaning. Unless they can figure out a way to clang satisfyingly shut before screechy Vicki's face, giving her no choice but to mope dejectedly back to her "real" friends in...Lake Havasu.

I'm sorry. I've had a lot of off-brand Cheetos today.

Anonymous said...

Coto is just filled with peeps that cant afford homes in newport beach & laguna beach.

The Gilded Moose said...

You think he really owns it? I kinda thought they just hired some actor and rented the place for him... and oh god, some nights I think "why is she with him" but then she opens her mouth and I think, god why is he with her.

Existential crisis in the OC.

and Jeanna's Playboy spread is the best thing on earth.

girraffesack said...

such ruthless words for Orange County. we're not all like that.

and it's only a substitute for Laguna or Newport Beach if you are younger than 25.

Anonymous said...

wow, i really didn't think he owned the house either. it's tough to tell these days what's "real" and what's not. hhaa, mama, you nailed OC on the head with the comments, especially the children there. and as or bargain, where i live (Los Feliz), 5000 sq feet would be more like 4-5 million. If you ask me, ANY OC community is for L.A. rejects who couldn't afford/make it in the city.

Anonymous said...

Can't figure why he would move to LA. That's a step backwards for anyone who has achieved an amount of success that would afford them an Orange County lifestyle.
As for what the price of that property would be in other areas, consider that price as a reflection of the desirability of the wasteland that is Coto de Caza.

Anonymous said...

Slade's house is in foreclosure. Bravo has already filmed him moving out. The house has been rented to a mother of five. Jeana has taken it off the market.

Anonymous said...

mama.. I just found you today...for more on Slimey Slade, check out the "Real Housewives"forum on fansofrealitytv.com

You rock!!!!

Anonymous said...

Slade's house has been leased for $5400 per month. It is still in foreclosure

Anonymous said...

No doubt about it this guy doesn't "own" a thing. Credit, credit, and more credit please--that's the O.C. way. Then one day, they declare BK and everything's all right again. Slade will be no exception.

Anonymous said...

Lauri Waring's famous "cat poop" condo is for sale in Ladera Ranch. Asking $599,000.

Not listed with Housewife's Jeana Keough.

Anonymous said...

Just so you know .....you really shouldn't talk about people whom you don't even know....you are all wrong...I'm sorry to say. I am friends with both of them and you can't judge them by their show or what others say.
Unless you know them personally, you really shouldn't dis others like that...
Ignorance is bliss.............

Anonymous said...

because i am so frusterated with the previous comment, i must first offer this rebuttle: your use of 'ignorance is bliss' is not correct in the least. learn english and THEN you can have an opinion. forums such as this are used as a freedom of speech and thought, and people can say whatever they like. if you have a problem with things that are being said, then you need to grow up and realize that your "friends" made thier own decision to put themselves on national television (if they are indeed your friends, then i congratulate you on being able to communicate with a human being of a higher iq than yours..though not by much).

and stop being so high-strung. its just a fucking tv show.

Anonymous said...

lolol...OWNED

Anonymous said...

yes Slade is still in foreclosure at the coto house and his business is chap 11- such is life when you try to be somebody but you're really a dumb ass...

Anonymous said...

He moved to LA to be with his new girlfriend Cheri Wozniak.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh--this is pure hilarity! I KNEW his home wasn't over 6,000 sq. ft. as he famously declared when he broke up with the world's stupidest brunette on TV. Remember that, on the couch? When he said he was going to start dating himself? PRICELESS moment on the small screen. He is truly the low end home in Coto, no freakin' pool? Puhleeze!

Anonymous said...

He and Cheri are not together. His move to LA had nothing to do with her.

Anonymous said...

slade is in trouble with the countrywide mess too.

Anonymous said...

Slade is so screwed. Has to get a new career, new house, new ho...... he's probably got a good case of the crabs.

C said...

My favorite scene is when Slade's parents visit with their dog and they are all in the kitchen. Jo says "What a cute dog." Slade explains "My parents got him as a rescue dog." Then Jo looks puzzled, lays down on the kitchen floor and yells "Help me! Help me!" Slade and his parents glance at each other in disbelief and Slade has to explain "No, Jo, not that kind of rescue."

Anonymous said...

The house is listed again on Jeana's web site, but the price has dropped to $1,290,000. ouch.

BIGMOUSIES said...

complete with Jo's snail marks....so worth it- NOT!