Monday, March 5, 2007

Travis Barker, Suburban Denizen

BUYER: Travis Barker
LOCATION: The Oaks development, Calabasas
PRICE: $9,500,000
SIZE: 10,198 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sited on 1.5 acres, this magnificent new, one story estate is a showcase of quality and craftsmanship...features include 7 en-suite bedrooms, 7.5 baths, guest house, home theatre, game room, outdoor entertaining pavilion, complete with barbecue center, adjoining mosaic pool, spa, rolling lawns and fountains. Amenities include inlaid stone floors, Venetian plaster walls, hand carved moldings, imported granite & marble counters, vaulted & barreled ceiling and refrigerated wine cellar, all behind guarded gates, on a quite cul-de-sac.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Good grief children, Your Mama is always surprised that anyone would want to live out in the boondocks of Calabasas, let alone a rich and famous rock star. But Your Mama may be an island on this one. Turns out super suburban Calabasas lays claims to some of Los Angeles' most expensive housing developments including The Estates at The Oaks where, as reported by Ruth Ryon in the LA Times Hot Properties column, Travis Barker, former Blink-182 drummer, has purchased a new home.

Calabasas, as the children may recall, is the same community where big blond dummy Jessica Simpson and her cheesy huzband Nick Lachey lived and filmed their hugely successful, but exceedingly embarrassing reality program. Of course, they're dee-vorced now and that house was sold to the teenage real estate tycoon and Malcom in the Middle actor Justin Berfield.

Anyhoo, the heavily tattooed Travis first became famous banging the drums for the quasi-punk gone mainstream band Blink-182. He made mountains of cash, married Beauty Queen Shanna Moakler, bought a big house in Bel Air, and started making babies.

This was back when everyone who wasn't really anyone in Los Angeles wanted a reality show like Nick and Jessica's to catapult them to fame and fat bank accounts. This couple was able to convince MTV to bring their cameras over to their big house in Bel Air where they filmed Meet the Barkers, a reasonably successful reality show about their deeply uninteresting lives.

Poor Travis. He really seems like a nice fellow. But, this Pageant Queen Shanna Moakler really gets Your Mama's hackles up. She is nothing but trouble with a capital "T." Whenever we tuned into their show all Your Mama could think was, gurl, get a damn job. And not one where you parade around in a bikini and a tiara. Or one where you get nekkid and let some pervert take pictures of you.

In 1995, Moakler, a small town girl with big boobies and a pretty face, became Miss USA by default after the original winner won the Miss Universe pageant. Moakler went on to lay up with and get engaged to boxer Oscar de la Hoya. They had a baby. But don't you know they didn't get married and she filed a $62 million palimony suit. $62 million dollars! Next she took all her clothes off for Playboy and attracted the attention of tattooed Travis, who we're sure initially just wanted to pork her. Somehow romance bloomed and the two were married, pushed out a couple kiddies, and made more domestic hysteria than can be seen on Your Mama's favorite daytime soap Passions.

After less than two years, these two split and Travis filed for dee-vorce. A very, very public battle ensued. Travis and the Pageant Queen waged a juvenile and jaw dropping war of words through their MySpace pages. Now, children, what could be more disturbing and humiliating than multi-millionaires taking pot shots at each other on MySpace? Seriously, they should be ashamed of themselves. Shanna then threw herself a big dee-vorce party in Las Vegas which she made sure was covered by all the tabloids by featuring a pink cake with a blonde bride on top and a decapitated groom lying in a pool of blood at the bottom. This is one classy bitch, right children?

Things got even uglier when it was rumored that tattooed Travis was fooling around with air-brained Paris the Heiress. When Shanna heard about this development, she jumped up in her big Range Rover and tore down to Hollywood hot spot Hyde where she and Hilton had a screaming match, slapped each other silly, and subsequently filed police reports about the incident. Shanna was not about to give up this fight and went on to make even more catty remarks about Paris. When Shanna was asked what she had to say to Paris, she said, "She should take her Valtrex." Mee-ow!

Word on the gossip street is that tattooed Travis and the Pageant Queen are in the throws of reconciliation. Figures. They've been spotted making out in public places but continue to deny the rekindling of their "love." Do we smell more publicity stunting?

Normally we like to discuss the real estate, but clearly, the hysterics of these two are far more interesting than the big and boring suburban house Travis just purchased. So we're going to leave it at that and all the children can decide for themselves what they think of this house.

What Your Mama wants to know is when does Shanna move in so the games can begin again?

Sources: LA Times, X17, Perez Hilton, Luxe Life with Robin Leach


Anonymous said...

Mama, I'd rather live as Le Mervellieux's houseboy in candy-striped Carmel-by-the-Sea than spend one evening in this "deeply uninteresting" hideous and supersized McMansion.

Anonymous said...

Shanna Moakler gives Sheridan Crane a run for her $$$$!!!!

Anonymous said...

I don't care about Shanna Moakler, I'd take a room at Travis Barker's house any day.

Anonymous said...

hey mama, once your favorite soap gets cancelled I say you get those blink boys to have their lives recorded…the lead singer (who looks a bit like ethan winthrop on passions) is rumored to be cheating on his wife (via perezhilton) travis and shanna are in a love triangle with the “town party slut” (as shanna calls paris hilton ) and the other guy said he was bigger than God!!

Anonymous said...

Rumor has it now, That Travis is seeing Shanna a bit, and there's a picture of her and him, and she's looking either fat, Or pregnant. Try to find out how many pies that woman has eaten since the breakup.
..and as we all know...Paris will fuck anything that has a pulse, she loves the attention, and I guess one day, The STIs. Can't wait for that one.

Mark Hoppus ( to the anonymous at the bottom) Is the other guy, and he isn't cheating on his wife. It's bull crap. Trust me.

Tom Delonge was the guy who said his band would be bigger than Christ himself....And now, everyone has realized just how shit AVA (his band) are. Christ mustn't have been that big to Tom Delonge then,right?